Deep within me

Deep within me lies a darkness
     only you can see.
Trials and tribulations you provide
     that I might with you clean.
Pull out said darkness, increase my love
     Grow. In stature and might.
Drag my feet, I'm guilty, although slowly
     I see, your light.
My potential I know not. What I know
     I sometimes forget.
You nurture, purify that I might know
     partake of your redemption. Repent!
Patient? Not always during this process
Patient. Always. With me you "forget"
     my sin, my failures, my darker side.
Rift with imperfections, your charity, grace sublime
     train my perspective to see the eternal side.
"Thank you" is insufficient. my tithes fall short
     the only think I can truly give, my will,
     which my spirit supports.
The only think that's truly mine,
     I work daily to give to you.
As its the only gift that I can with it say,
     "I love you."
I'm sorry for my darkness, my imperfections,
     the human side of me.
But help me as always, that through you
     I might be...
Like You.

Losing hope, yet keeping it all at the same time

                Being single is hard work. There is nothing easy about dating.  If you are single, it is because you have walked away from a relationship in the past that did not work out.  This puts the single folk in a position where they are carrying around memories and baggage (as we will always carry around mementos from our past) along with a list of needs or expectations having learned the hard way one or more times what does not work.  This is where I find myself. I turn thirty next month and I found myself once again single; the very think I thought I had done away with in my life when I was married at the age of twenty one.  Yet, here I am, young, but not young enough, with two kids, and with nine years of memories jaded with the image of my Ex.

                The last couple of years were very difficult with my Ex and I would even go as far as to say abusive, while not physically, still left me with marks  Things were so bad in the end I started to look forward to dating with excitement, wondering what it would be like to have a guy work to gain my attention.  To be with someone who wanted to be with me, not simply because they were trying to endure our matrimonial covenants. Despite this excitement, I was a wreck after my Ex left and spent most of the next year trying to heal myself of the emotional and spiritual wounds that had been inflicted on my through my Ex and through the poisonous relationship we both fostered. I then dated a couple of men who had been close friends, making dating seems anything but scary, but now after all of that is past, here I am starting off a new decade in a situation I realize I was right to fear prior to my marriage. 

Whoever told me dating was fun, was a bold faced liar.  Fun comes in after several dates, when you move past dating and into more of a relationship. Relationships are fun, but dating is not.  First dates are especially awful.  At first you are excited or even nonchalant about a person, but the closer you get to a date the more nervous and apprehensive you get because despite trying to be optimistic and hopeful,  you can’t help but remember every bad first date you have been on.  Then the fears flood you.  Fears of what the other person may or may not be like, fears of yourself and whether you are enough, which leads you to this weird state in which you put way too much pressure on yourself and getting ready as you have already come to the realization that a first date is nothing more than a show horse competition (excuse my analogy as I have been watching a lot of “Heartland” lately).  Basically you have a couple of hours where you will be judged. Usually on looks, career, hobbies, likes, dislikes and sometimes even political and religious opinions.  You are there to try and put your best foot forward; making the jumps your date throws at you and all the while trying to look pretty in the process, but if that weren’t complicated enough, you too are scoring and judging your date with your own set of criteria and needs, that come the end of the date, you don’t even know if you were even scoring one another on the same criteria, Heck, in the end, you don’t even know if you were even considered to be scored in the first place. Now you might argue that good communication could circumvent all of this.  Well, I disagree.  You can only be so honest and so direct before you come off as pushy, unapproachable, hard or too aggressive and if you are in fact earning points, you can’t afford to be labeled in such a way.  As I mentioned, you are doing judging of your own.  Where in a short period of time you essentially try and develop a connection to merit a second date, while not trying to get too attached so you aren’t hurt and disappointed if a second date doesn’t happen. 

So, once again dating is not fun, at least for me it is not.  You never know the person well enough to really feel comfortable and if you aren’t one hundred percent comfortable, how can you really be yourself? This is where I currently sit.  In the last two weeks I have had three first dates and no second dates and I can’t help but feel sad and lonely feeling like I’m not good enough; I must just be really bad at first impressions; or there just isn’t a guy out there for me, which brings me to my title. I have lost hope in finding a guy and remarrying.  Does this mean I am giving up? No. I will still go on dates if for no other reason than to maybe meet a new friend or two, but I no longer spend hours fantasizing and imagining what my next husband might be like.  I will not go out of my way to the point of incontinence to meet a new guy. I will not believe that I deserve a second chance in love and marriage.  Instead, I will focus on the hope that I do have.  I have hope in my temple covenants and of the covenants that I made when I was sealed.  I will hope in my Savior and in his timing knowing that even if I never have the experience here on earth, I will in fact have the opportunity to be bound to a noble and great man dependant on staying true to the promises I made with the Lord. So while I don’t hope for a new man in my life, I hope in the Lord and I have faith that if he chooses to bless me in such a way, then it will happen as long as I am doing all that I can.

I apologize if this comes off negative as that is not what is meant, rather, dating is difficult, which has led me to shift my perspective from a worldly one to an eternal one.

The American Flag

For Memorial Day my parents put up the American flag in on the flag pole that is attached to their house. My very curious four year old upon seeing it asked what that flag meant and why it was put on the house. I explained as simply that I could that Men and Women fought and still fight for us that we can have everything that we have.  I told him that the flag was to remind us that we live in a country where we have freedom. This satisfied his curiosity, yet the very next day he asked the same question.  I gave to him the same response.  Several days later he again asked the same question.  I was stressed out and in a hurry that I responded that he already knew the answer and that he should tell me what it meant.  I saw the thoughts in his head spinning as he had his thinking face on.  He then responded, “Oh, I remember! It is the Title of Liberty.” His answer surprised me greatly as obviously that wasn’t the definition I gave him yet I was very impressed as one of my favorite stories found in the Book of Mormon is that of Captain Moroni.  “Moroni, in response to dissensions within his own nation, rent his coat and wrote upon it, making of it a memorial to God, their religion, their freedoms, and their families, and then fastened it upon the end of a pole. ‘He went forth among the people, waving the rent part of his garment in the air, that all might see the writing which he had written upon the rent part, and crying with a loud voice saying: Behold, whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them’” (Alma 46:19-20)

I have obviously shared this story with my son before but was astounded that my four year old could not only remember this story, but to also make the connection. I replied that he was very right and that the American flag is in fact a title of liberty. Astounded and impressed I shared this experience with my friend.  She admitted that she too was impressed but due to her experiences as an Army wife and with a distaste in her mouth from the current political situations she said she had a hard time seeing the American flag as such a title.  I very much agree with her statement in the fact that I too am not happy with the state of our country. I could write pages about all the corrupt aspects, how we have less and less freedom, and how people no longer challenge what they are told through experience or knowledge, but blindly accept politicians, regulations and other implementations.  I reminded her however that while the flag is a visual representation of our country, it is more so a representation of what we believe and the liberties we want and enjoy and that should our nation ever get to a state of dictatorship the flag would in no way represent that, rather it would still represent its original statutes of liberty. I then shared this: “Responding to Moroni’s challenge, many came forth ‘rending their garments in token, or as a covenant, that they would not forsake the Lord their God,’ and that they would not transgress his holy laws, nor would they be ashamed to take upon them the name of Christ, for should they do so, ‘the Lord should rend them even as they had rent their garments.’” (Alma 46:21-27)

Basically, the flag, our flag stands for the freedoms and beliefs each individual holds and has the freedom to enjoy and should those liberties be threatened we would respond in arms like Captain Moroni and his faithful countrymen to rid our country of such a threat. There is a lot of deep doctrine here that I don’t feel inspired or impressed to go into, but let me close in saying this: The most important law is God’s law, which we can reduce even in its simplest forms to the first two commandments. Let me paraphrase: 1. Love the Lord God with all your heart and 2. Love thy neighbor as yourself. If everyone alive loved their God (their standards beliefs etc) and treated every person the same way they treated their self then all violence, crime and every other disagreement would be completely irradiated.   Yet, should this right to worship as we believe, them like Moroni, we should arm ourselves for such rights. My belief in God is strong. I bear testimony that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, given to his prophets as is the Bible.  I am blessed and proud of my children who retain the stories I teach them and who then teach me.  Know your freedoms.  Know your beliefs and hold them dear.  Understand at what cost they were given to you and at what cost you would pay for them.

Why the selfie is more than just narcissism

For any popular “it thing” there is just as much back lash with vocal haters.  So too seems to be seen with the selfie.  More times than not you only hear why the selfie is an epidemic that needs to be done away with.  People who take selfies are labeled as vain, narcissistic, and classless. There seems to be so much judgment and hostility towards a way in which a picture is taken and the people taking those pictures. Like with anything, there are those that take things to more of an extreme, such as those individuals that use a selfie stick; however, I would like to give you the facts for why a selfie is not only appropriate, but healthy.

1.       Opportunity: I am a single mom.  Almost 98% of my day I am completely alone: me and my two toddlers.  Believe it or not, my young children are not very capable at taking a good photo.  I however think I take a decent photo.  What ended up happening that for two years, while I transitioned into singlehood after my divorce and transformed my body, attitude and life I had very few pictures of myself and my transformation.  If there was no way to take a selfie, I wouldn’t have any documentation of this big stage in my life.  Because of the selfie, I have the opportunity to be in photos I would in no other way be able to.

2.       No one is left out: While this is an addendum to the first point, it is still valid. How many times at Christmas, a social event, etc have wanted a picture of the entire group but are not in a place where someone is available to take your photo? I know I have experienced this and what ends up happening is one person volunteers to take the photo, being left out of the picture and after many years pass, tends to be left out from the memory as well.  Face it, without visual representation we forget things easily and quickly. Now while I am not an advocate for a selfie stick, here is my rebuttle against it: does it really matter if a picture is taken with a tripod or with a stick?

3.       Close proximity: When taking a selfie, you are typically taking a close up as you can only extend your camera the length of the reach of your arm.  Because of this when taking a picture with anyone else you are forced to huddle close to each other in order to fit in the frame.  Do I even need to argue why this is a good thing?  Especially in an age where we have become more and more disconnected with other people as anything anymore is more technological that it is social.  Even on social media, most things I find posted are recipies, memes and videos.  Even though it only takes a couple seconds to take a selfie, it is a couple seconds you are interacting closely with a human being you care enough about to take a picture with.

4.       How you view yourself: Now for me, this one is the most important point of all. While I feel this applies to everyone, obviously my life experiences has given me a perspective from a woman’s point of view.  Everywhere you turn women are becoming more sexualized that ever before.  Commercials for underwear show as much as soft porn used to.  As women, we are caught in a society run juxtaposition: you are a beautiful object that should be shown off and appreciated, yet also, are shamed for posting pictures of ourselves and quickly labeled vain when we show our face or bodies for anything other than sex. I know that is a very rough generalization, but the point I am trying to make is this: we are ALWAYS being judged.  Once again, I am sure this applies to male and female alike, but I can only speak from my experiences.  A woman posts a photo and she is labeled vain, seeking attention, or trying to get an interest’s attention.  However, that is WRONG, and while I am sure some women post selfies for one of those reasons I am willing to bet it isn’t the majority as it seems to be stated.  I post selfies of myself for ME and me alone.  Facebook is an amazing thing as are other social media sites, but I upload all photos to Facebook so that I have them safely saved to a place other that my phone or my computer.  I post selfies to facebook because I like the way I view myself, and come on, isn’t that something we all struggle with?  For years I have faught with low self esteem, especially when it came to my weight and my looks.  So when there is a day that even though I am not at my goal weight, haven’t had my hair profecionally done, etc and still feel beautiful, I celebrate that with myself.  I love myself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.  In fact, I believe most people don’t love themselves enough, so then why when we are trying to reclaim the love we need to have, would you label and trash us “selfie takers?”

Now do we need selfies of you in your gym bathroom all over Facebook? Who am I to judge? Maybe that is the motivation that person needs: to look at themselves to see what they accomplish; to then inspire them to do it again tomorrow. The selfie is a great way to find new ways of expressing ourselves and loving ourselves.  I guess I pose this question and welcome all comments: If you are a selfie hater, what is it that make you so against them?

 

Breakups are hard

I was planning on just relaxing on the couch and watching a show with my person time this evening, but felt impressed to write and share on my blog why I am once again single.  It has come to my attention that after being single for six weeks or so, most people are in fact unaware of this fact, which is fine, but tonight I feel I need to share my story.

                As you know, my divorce was devastating for me as the love of my life told me he no longer loved me and then to add insult to injure, had been unfaithful with an ex from high school whom he admitted he had always loved.  Despite things in our relationship being more than difficult, and even abusive, I stayed, hoping my love for him could change the situation.  Reality crushed me as I adapted to being a single mom to an infant and a toddler.  It wasn’t long after this that an old friend of mine reached out.  Feeling impressed, I began sharing with him what makes me, me: the gospel of my church.  I have to admit I was surprised when he agreed with and accepted my truths as his truths and in this very special sharing of myself I developed a stronger connection with this friend, Matt.

                Although I had known Matt for six years and had talked on and off for that period, there were still gaps in our lives that we did not know of each other.  We spent every night on the phone for hours and this friendship turned into something more, and to be very honest, into a sort of fantasy for me as I faced the reality of what being a single mom really was.  I kept many of my dreams to myself, but I dreamed that Matt would join the church, move to Colorado and then sweep me off my feet in a new romance that would end in marriage.  What a blessing it would be to come out of such a difficult marriage, to then fall into the arms of the one I was really supposed to be with. 

                Well surprisingly, many aspects of that dream came true.  Matt did join the church, he did move out here, and he did fall in love with me.  Yet, despite this being my dream, I was hesitant, afraid and still very broken.  When he kissed me, it wasn’t the familiar kiss of my ex husband that I had been receiving for the last nine years.  I quickly became aware of the difference in background we had as we were raised very differently and our life experiences has taken us in different places.  I wanted so bad to have my dream, but was a little scared to commit to it.  However scared or indecisive I was though, Matt was not.  He made it clear what it was he found attractive in me.  He was kind, patient, devoted, and loving.  He was not timid at all in making advances, and no matter how many times I pushed him away out of disbelief, fear or concern, he was always there.  There was not the same burning romance I had once experienced for my ex husband, which gave me doubts, but he was good to me and to the children and slowly I felt my heart begin to open.

                Having grown up in the west, having had exposure to many cultures and education I admit I found Matt to at times be very rough around the edges as for the most part he grew up with no religion in a small town in a rough area.  Although I knew this is where he came from, I hoped that his immersion into school, church and Colorado life would smooth out some of those edges.  Our relationship grew and just as my children became more attached, so did I. When he kissed me it was no longer awkward, or a comparison to kisses from my past; instead, I got the fluttering butterflies of excitement.  When he looked into my eyes I could see the desire.  I could see the love and I loved the way he loved me.  The way he held my face in his hand with the other arm wrapped round me, I was finally safe. 

                Matt and I began to have more and more spats and we quickly learned that our styles in communicating were very different as were our love languages, which led to a lot of these misunderstandings.  However, no matter how many quarrels we had, we always managed to work them out.  We always expressed our respect and love for one another and often times we felt stronger after such occurrences rather than weaker.  We even began talking of marriage and the plausibility of what life together would look like.  My dream was coming true and we dreamed our dreams together, actively trying to make it real.  Unfortunately, there was something in the back of my mind constantly nagging at me.  Although I loved Matt, I knew we were having to work really hard at maintain a relationship and while I didn’t mind working at love, as all relationships are work, I started going over our connection with a fine tooth comb.  The more I reviewed, the more I saw the same arguments and issues coming up again and again.  I began being fearful that these small fights were masks to a big issue that might just never change and I began to see the disappointment and unhappiness I had in fact been feeling and suppressing.  Yet the fact remained: I loved Matt. He would be a great husband and a great father, so couldn’t we make this work? Matt believed so and we split up to focus on ourselves with the intent of not relying on each other and furthering ourselves for ourselves. Sadly, this didn’t last very long as all that occupied my thoughts, heart, and mind was him. 

                We got back together knowing now where our weaknesses as a couple lie. We had now been together for so long and a lover that started out as a seed really had grown to be something that was beautiful and something I cherished, which meant it was worth fighting for.  Over the nine months we had been together I had been healed.  I no longer missed or longed for the love of my ex.  I no longer held to memories of the past when I had been loved. I no longer needed that as I had a great man right in front of me offering me just that.  I no longer heard the years of worth of critic nagging at my insides, telling me I wasn’t enough, or that there was something wrong with me. Matt, with his love, had picked me up off the floor of despair and negativity, holding me until I could stand on my own two feet, seeing that I was worth loving and I did in fact have a lot to offer.  Matt showed me that it was okay to be loved, to love and to be in love.  His patience and amazed me and many would have walked away after the  second or third time I would lose it, shut down and push away.  Matt, loving me, and knowing me and my defense mechanisms remained steadfast even after the hundredth time of such an occurrence.  Matt knew me.  He knew my kids and I wanted so badly to be a family.  I saw Matt and all the potential he has, knowing he can be everything I want and need in a husband, but the reality of the situation was this: he just wasn’t there yet.

                As some of you know, my mother got her masters in psychology; specifically child development and family relations. So soon after my divorce she had my compile a list of my three non-negotiables.  These are the three things I NEED in a relationship.  If someone can’t meet these three needs then I needed to move on. The predicament was this: Matt, coming from a situation so different, joining the church so recently, and being in a lifestyle that was completely new to him I knew would require time and adjustment.  As I stated, Matt had the potential and I believed with all my heart all he needed was time, especially as he seemed so perfect in so many ways.  I know I am not always easy to love.  I am strong willed, controlling, goal oriented and expectant.  Yet, despite these qualities that send most men running, it was something that Matt saw and loved and I needed his love. But, when th time kept on passing and situations didn’t change, my fears were no longer a quiet voice in the back of my mind; they were a loud cautionary siren.  Matt and I talked over and over about these fears and again and agin I laid out my three needs:

1.       A man who can financially provide for me and my children so that I can be the stay at home mother I love and need to be.

2.       I needed a man who loved me for who I was, yet who could and would always encourage me to be more; helping me reach goals to better myself

3.       Although last on the list, but most important: I needed a man who was a worthy priesthood holding, temple recommended man who was a spiritual equal to me. Meaning, someone who veraciously partook of the scriptures daily the way I do. Someone who magnifies their priesthood and their callings. Someone who attends the temple regularly and would take me there as well.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect.  I am looking for Mr. Perfect For Me and that means meeting the three things on this list. 

                One evening while watching TV with Matt something happened that caused me to get upset and a years worth of waiting in this list was recalled.  I truly felt as if my words were being guided as a realization fell over me.  While Matt has the potential to reach all of these things, the time was up.  I couldn’t put my life on hold anymore.  If I continued on in this relationship with Matt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away, but I had to walk away or how could I really be happy if he wasn’t capable of meeting one or more of these needs.  My heart broke as I shared those feelings with him because here I was breaking up with a man I loved.  Matt promises he could be that man.  That he would be that man.  I wanted to believe him and secretly hoped he could.  Maybe time apart is what we needed.  Maybe this was who and what he was and he was still growing, but after investing a year, I knew I needed to at least start looking around again.  Six weeks have passed.  I am lonely and I still love and miss him. All along though, I felt confident with my choice.  Last night I felt impressed to drop by randomly at Matt’s house and was disappointed to see that in six weeks the only change made was a step backward. I understand loneliness, and depression, but it was a validation that maybe we were two people just on different levels of life and while there is nothing wrong with that, it does in fact make us incompatible. It is really hard because after my husband, he is the only other person I have loved and now once again I am trying to get over the heart break of being without him. 

                I am not sure why I felt I needed to share this as it is very personal, but if there is something I can add it is this: when I married the first time, I did not know my worth.  I was so happy to just be loved by someone that I accepted the love that was given, not even thinking to hold off or weigh it against my needs.  In the end, I sold myself short.  We were both unhappy as I felt he held me back and he felt I expected too much.  I am not saying to judge and look down on people, but know your worth.  Know yourself and what it is you need, even at the cost of your heart as I promise in the end I know you will be happier.  I love Matt, but I love myself and my relationship with the Lord.  I am not going to tie myself to anything other than my equal that we may work side by side in this life together to then work side by side in the hereafter at a matched paced to our Celestial glory.  Love isn’t always enough. Make your own list and like me, search for that happiness and if you are doing al that is right, you will find it and will be blessed for it.

Keep me in your prayers and if you feel impressed to introduce me to someone let me know, lol as a single mom looking for someone who is LDS and single I am finding it pretty impossible to meet anyone.

 

Happy Mother's Day

Last Mother’s Day I know I came off a little bitter about the big hubbub people make about mothers, but only on one day.  Yet, almost every other day, society belittles the role of a mother, whether she stays at home or whether she works.  Constant criticism is found on how children are raised, what is right and how many are ”bad mothers” for allowing certain foods, electronics, and other trivial and personal choices.  With this criticism rampant and having been newly divorced, I was struggling to find what it meant for me to be a mother.  The year prior my then husband admitted I was less desirable once I became a mom; then having him leave me for another woman left me doubting all aspects of myself.  I wasn’t sure I could be both a mom and a dad, even com Mother’s Day when I had been doing it for a while.  I felt that while giving all I had, I was still falling short and the idea of failing my kids killed me inside. Then Mother’s Day rolled around and My children then one and three could not validate me as a mother or the fears I held deep within my heart.  Yet, all around me people congratulated mothers for being mothers and I felt inadequate and honestly out of place as I felt my situation was so different from the friends and families surrounding me.  Why could someone say Happy Mother’s Day or comment that I was a good mom, when for the last year I struggled to find my footing to be a single mom.  Where were those encouraging words when I needed them most and how trite their praises sounded when said only because of a day.  Needless to say, I was not in a good place and I was in fact bitter, although I hadn’t admitted that to myself yet.

This year however, I find myself in a very different place and am pleased to share that this year my heart is full and I see the joy of Mother’s Day. I could go into a lot of detail about the incidents in my life that influenced some of what changed of heart, but let me be terse by saying that my son offered a personal prayer, undirected, simply talking to his friend, his God he thanked the Lord for his mommy in a long four minute monologue that brought tears of joy to my eyes because my son recognized the deep love I had for him, and in return shared the love he had for me in his gratitude to the Lord.  Then, only a day later a friend sweetly brought me a corsage to celebrate my role as mother that I could wear it to church proudly knowing that when this friend thought of Mother’s Day, he thought of me.  While these things are important and very touching, this is not what has changed my heart.  What truly change my heart was recognizing my role as mother and understanding exactly what that was.

For me, I needed to go to the very basics: what as a mother am I expected to do? However, this was the wrong question to ask as I was quickly overwhelmed with the list that flooded my mind: doctor, cook, nurturer, therapist, nanny, playmate, discipliner, educator, accountant, and as you know the list goes on and on and on and on. Taking a step back, I asked a different question: What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? This question was the question I needed. Yes, we are expected to meet all the physical and emotional needs of our children, but most importantly, what am I doing to nourish their spirits? How can I go back to my Father and account for the precious souls he put in my care.  Having asked this question, I saw the areas I needed to improve upon.  I needed to be more diligent about reading scriptures with my children every night so that they know mom loves them and Jesus loves them.  By doing this, it gave my little family a reason to huddle together on the floor each and every night to partake in one another’s company as we read and learned together.  I also taught my children to have their own personal prayers rather that just saying a family prayer on my own before tucking them in bed.  In doing this I have taught my children their importance and individuality.  I have taught them how to recognize and ne grateful for things in order for them to share that with their Lord.  I also became more diligent about holding a Family Home Evening where I taught my children a story from the scriptures, while providing an activity to help them remember the lesson.  Once again this has given our family the opportunity to spend quality time with one another while teaching my children the importance of sitting and listening to a lesson and them learning for themselves they have the ability to speak up and contribute their thoughts and feeling as well.  While I was trying to meet their spiritual needs, their others needs were being met.  I have confidence in what I am doing as a mother, knowing I am preparing my children the best way I can.  I am teaching them to love, think and act. 

“You are a link in the chains of generations…It is a status, an office. Just as is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king.” (Bethge, Eberhard).  Being a mother is a calling from God.  We have been chosen and set apart to co-create and brink into this world life to care for, nourish, raise, and then let go of. What a sacred privilege.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and frankly,  put out with all the tasks we are expected and needed to perform, but I have found that when I go back to the question What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? I am confident in my role.  I can’t help but recall the story of the two thousand stripling warriors:

 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it (Alma 56:47-48).

They had been taught by their mothers that these youth, these teenage boys feared not for their lives, but were more concerned for the liberty and safety of their fathers, knowing in their heart that God would deliver them because their mothers had taught them so!

Two thousand stripling warriors, young men of power and might

Responded to the battle cry; O who will stand and fight?

Behold, our God is with us!  We serve at His command. 

They did not fear to give their lives but boldly took a stand.

 

This willing band of brothers were by their mothers taught

To trust in God continually, be true in deed and thought.

For God would then protect them; their faith He would reward.

They did not doubt their mothers knew; they trusted in the Lord (Murray, Bonnie).

These mothers prepared their sons.  Yes they fed and clothed them, meeting their physical needs, but more importantly they taught these boys how to be men by showing them and teaching them the Love of the Lord. What type of mother is that? Strong, valiant, intelligent, just to name a few, but we too can be all those things when we rely on the Lord to guide us as we magnify the calling of Mother.  We have been told time and time again that the last days are here:

But behold, in the last days, even now while the Lord is beginning to bring forth the word, and the blade is springing up and is yet tender—

Behold, verily I say unto you, the angels are crying unto the Lord day and night, who are ready and waiting to be sent forth to reap down the fields;

But the Lord saith unto them, pluck not up the tares while the blade is yet tender (for verily your faith is weak), lest you destroy the wheat also.

Therefore, let the wheat and the tares grow together until the harvest is fully ripe; then ye shall first gather out the wheat from among the tares, and after the gathering of the wheat, behold and lo, the tares are bound in bundles, and the field remaineth to be burned (D&C 86:4-7).

Sixty one years after this revelation was given, president Wilford Wodruff declared that the Lord has release those destroying angels and they were then upon the earth separating the tares from the wheat in preparation for the burning that would soon take place:

“God has held the angels of destruction for many years, lest they should reap down the wheat with the tares. But I want you to tell you now, that those angels have left the portals of heaven, and they stand over this people and this nation now, and are hovering over the earth waiting to pour out the judgments. And from this very day they shall be poured out. Calamities and troubles are increasing in the earth, and there is a meaning to these things. Remember this, and reflect upon these matters.”

So what does this have to do with motherhood? We are in a similar position as those mothers of the two thousand stripling warriors.  Just as they had to prepare their young children to be ready to go off and fight in a war, so do we. Morality, Integrity and other virtues that used to be a staple in our communities are not only disappearing, but mocked. Every day we face temptations we have to fight against and the world is getting scary.  We are sending our children out to be on the front lines to fight against Satan and prepare for the return of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This reality terrifies me.  How can I ever prepare my sweet little children to be ready to fight such a battle?  I know for a fact it is not something I can do on my own.  And even if I had a husband, I would still be incapable of preparing them properly.  While I am the instrument and intercessory, it is the Lord and his spirit and power that helps me prepare these children as I take care of them as he would.  This reality brings such divinity to my role as mother and I am ashamed for being so flustered and out of place last year when the simple truth of what I am and what a mother is lies in what my Lord would do.  How blessed I am to have the title of mother.  It is no easy job and I am eternally grateful to my mother who gave me such a good example of what a mother is supposed to be. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for trusting me to take care of his special, precious spirit children and I am grateful for his trust and belief in me, even when I fail to see it.  So this Mother’s Day I walk with confidence in knowing who I am and confidence in knowing that I am in fact doing all I can. So let me proudly say to you, to me, and to all Mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!

Integrity

Brother Howard, this is for you:)

When reading the bible story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, found in Daniel, I have to admit integrity was not the first value that came to my mind. Faith, trust, courage and love are a few that did come to mind.  Yet, the more I pondered on integrity, the more I realized I was lacking in my understanding.  So like any other person with a BA in English Literature, I first turned to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and was a little surprised to find that there were three different definitions for integrity.  I admit I was even more surprised when I found that all three definitions applied to the bible story I just referred to.  By simply looking up a definition my view on integrity increased as I have come to see that true integrity, to ourselves and to our God, encompass all three definitions: 1. Firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values. 2. An unimpaired condition. 3. The quality or state of being complete or undivided.

Firm adherence to a code of moral values is a dying practice in this day and age and I feel that in all eras of time there are plagues of selfishness, corruption, and greed.  This is seen at an extreme when King Nebuchadnezzar imposes a law requiring all to worship a golden idol, or be put to death by fire.  However, despite the promised punishment, three men chose to stick to their moral code which taught them to worship no one or nothing other than the Lord their God.  They made the right choice, as it was the right thing.  To them, it was not important what man commanded of them, even though they willingly obeyed, up until the point it threatened their loyalty to themselves and their God. Would it have served or increased anyone for them to worship with the hordes at the golden idol? No. So then why risk their integrity to such a spectacle, even if it meant laying down their lives.

“Bound in their inflammable clothes, they were consigned to the fiery death which no mere man could survive, but in the morning the king Nebuchadnezzar himself in astonishment and awe found four personages in the furnace as he said ‘Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt ; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God’ (Daniel 3:25). At the command of the king, they came forth unburned, unhurt, not even a hair of their heads singed and no smell of fire on their clothes. INTEGRITY! The promises of eternal life from God supersede all promises of men to greatness, comfort, immunities.  These men of courage and integrity were saying: ‘we do not have to live, but we must be true to ourselves and God’” (Spencer W. Kimball).

By continually holding to our moral code we know what we are to do and what we expect of ourselves, that when faced with temptations or trials, we firmly know which choice is the right choice.  This is taught often in the bible and put quite simply in Proverbs 11:3, “The integrity of the upright shall guide them: but the perverseness of transgressors shall destroy them.”While taught in the scripture, it was also taught by great men of our age in time when Abraham Lincoln once said, “I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true; I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light I have.” Simply meaning, It is not the outcome of what we accomplish that determines what we are, rather, we stand for and by the light that burns within us, that guides us, and that determines the outcome of who and what we are.  Although there is argumentation over what is moral and what is not, most people know for themselves what is right and what is wrong.  The more we fall prey to wrong choices, the more our morality is corrupted, leading to a numbness and justification of actions, but if we stand, firm in heart with what we know to be right, we are living with integrity. And when we stand firm like this, we can say as Shakespeare did, “There is no terror in your threats: for I am armed so strong in honesty that they pass by me as the idle wind, which I respect not” (Julius Caesar, Act 4, Scene 3).

Besides the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, the story of the 2,000 stripling warriors found in the Book of Mormon is one that exemplifies being true to a moral code.  The parents of these young boys made a pact with God to never again shed the blood of another again, regretting the wars and violent lusts from their days past.  Yet, when war was threatened upon them and their neighbors could no longer protect them, they began considering breaking the pact in order to defend their families and religion.  However, these astonishing youth instead volunteered to fight in place of their parents, knowing it was better to offer their lives than risk going back on their promise with themselves and with their God. This is how they are described by Helaman in Alma 53:20, “And they were all young men, and they were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold, this was not all—they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted.” And these young men were entrusted with a lot: their faith, honor, homes, safety, obedience and much more. Yet, living with and going forth with the Lord in their hearts they were in fact true, through and through with integrity.  And like Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, all 2,000 youth survived multiple battles despite the fact that the numbers of enemies faced alone, should have left them all dead. The more integrity we espouse, the more power we have.

                An unimpaired condition is the second definition of integrity.  For me, this definition always seemed to apply to say a ship after the storm: despite the tempest, the ship retained its integrity. Yet, when thinking again of our scripture story I hit upon the truth of this definition when applied to the human heart.  What does it mean to have an unimpaired heart when linked with our relationship to God?  When rolling this question over in my mind the imagery that hung over my eyes, was that of the Savior on the cross.  It is only through our Lord and Savior that we have the ability to be made perfect through his atoning sacrifice.   An unimpaired heart is one that seeks after the Lord.  One that espouses Christ-like love continually and when the mortal heart fails, as it always will, is yet turned continually to the Lord in repentance.  When we sin, we are in fact impaired as we no longer have His spirit and the Holy Ghost to abide with us as strongly as it was before we had sinned.  Even as something as mediocre as loosing ones temper and shouting in frustration we push the spirit of peace from ourselves, leaving us with an impairment.  Unimpaired implies perfection, yet we know as humans we can never be perfect.  Through the loving sacrifice of our Brother, we can in fact achieve this through his intercessory with the Father, that even in our imperfections, with a heart full of the Lord, we can in fact be unimpaired through repentance!                 

As we continue our understanding of integrity, we look to the third and last definition: The quality or state of being complete or undivided. Although separate from the second definition, I fell it expounds upon it.  I don’t know about you, but I sometimes struggle with being undivided. True integrity suggests this is what it takes: “to be of one heart and one mind” (D&C 45: 65) or as recorded in the bible, “One heart and one soul” (Acts 4:32).  While we emulate our Lord and Savior out of reverence, it is done for a greater purpose: to learn how to be Christ-like. Christ is one with God and if we are to also be like our Father in Heaven, we do so by emulating his perfect Son as best we can.  When our mind and heart are one with God we can experience true joy, peace, and love.  When our wills are in alignment with what the Lord asks of us, then we know we are in the right and cannot be in the wrong. “Integrity in man should bring inner peace, sureness of purpose, and security in action.  Lack of integrity brings disunity, fear, sorrow, unsureness” (Spencer W, Kimball).  It takes the first two definitions of integrity to them get to and perfect this aspect of it, but what blessings to have inner peace, sureness of purpose, and security in action.  This is what true integrity gives us. All the examples from scripture given before demonstrate that, but let me give you one more: “And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause” (Job 2:3). Job, bereaved of family, home, health and friends exhibited true integrity as he never once blamed or denied his God.  He stood firm with who he was and the choices he has made despite the goading of his so-called friends and set an example of what true integrity is, despite the cost it takes to sometime prove or develop such a characteristic.  As in everything the Lord does, we are rewarded for such integrity. I feel blessed to have so many examples to expound upon such an important attribute.    

I am aware that we are all along different paths in our integrity, and like faith, is something that needs to be continually worked upon, otherwise, as stated earlier, it corrupts and slowly deteriorates.  I know I don’t face every day with a sureness of purpose.  And I certainly do not always achieve inner peace.  All it means is I have work left to do. So let us look toward these examples as found in the scriptures, taking a deeper look inside ourselves, asking: Do I stick to my morals? Am I repentant? And am I undivided?

LDS Garments

The other day I was sitting, talking with a friend in the McDonalds play place watching our kids play when a young girl glided through the doors in her Elsa dress.  This little girl was not merely dresses as Elsa from Frozen, she was Elsa. Here is the interesting thing. almost instantly, the other kids surrounded her.  Because this girl knew she was Elsa, all the other kids knew she was Elsa as well.  This little girl was a queen.  Then I had an ah-ha moment.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon).  When we are ready we go to the temple where we make sacred covenants with our Father in Heaven.  In one of these ceremonies we receive the garment which we are asked to wear.  The garment is rich in symbolic meanings and reminders.  One can't help but think on this as they dress.  You see at Baptism we are asked to take upon up the name of Christ. This is something we are to do daily as we strive to be his instrument and ambassador in our Heavenly Father's hands.  One ternate of our religion that often separates us from the other Christian sects is that we believe our spirits lived with God before we came to Earth and after they die and after the resurrection we are assigned to a degree of Glory, the highest being the Celestial Kingdom.  We believe that in the Celestial Kingdom we have the privilege to become like our Father. Having triumphed over our physical inclinations and limitations ad having grown through trial and sorrow we believe we will be given the opportunity to become Gods and Goddesses. That means that while we are here on this earth our goal is to come as close to perfection as we possibly can by constantly aligning our will with the Lord's as we strive to always be like him.  We believe earth to be our probationary state in which we have the birthright to Celestial glory if it is earned by our valiance to our covenants and standards. So if my Father in Heaven is my King, then I am a princess I training with the birthright of becoming a queen. So, backtracking to Elsa, the little girl at McDonalds, I remembered and saw clearly in a new way that just as the little girl clothed herself in the raiment of Elsa to become a queen, so do I every morning, robe myself in white garments to be a Queen as well.  I am a Child of God and a queen and I know it.

a more concise definition or garments: A representation of sacred covenants, it fosters modesty and becomes a shield and protection to the wearer. 

Nuggets: For A Friend

I had a great conversation this last week with a dear friend and most of our two hour conversation was on church doctrine and the scriptures.  I love uplifting conversations and friends, but she asked that I gave my own scriptural glossary/break down. I have also included a couple other small thoughts that struck me this week while I was studying the scriptures.

Old Testament: I have found that the old testament is important in teaching the laws of the gospel, meaning the truths that God has taught yesterday, today and forever.  It is in the Old Testament that we learn a love for the prophets and the divine power they hold.  We learn of temples and priesthood power and the importance and power in covenant making.  Although there are not many accounts, there are also several accounts of women and their importance in history and in the gospel giving the reader, male and female alike attributes and mentors to look up to. It also importantly outlines the tribes of Israel and their calling, giving us the information we need, along with one's patriarchal blessing, to find the gifts and calling associated with our tribe.

Isaiah: I give Isaiah his own segment as his book truly stands out for many important reason.  Even the Lord himself quoted Isaiah in order to teach that Isaiah's prophecy of a Savior had indeed been fulfilled.  Isaiah is deep as it contains so much information, making it a doctrinal gold mine.  but to be very limiting in a description, Isaiah could best be classified as holding the plain and simple truths of Christ's doctrine as well as a very vivid and detail description of what to expect in the last days.  It outlines our role as saints in this dispensation, ushering in the millennium .

New Testament: is obvious in its design to teach of Christ's life, ministry and love.  My God is a loving God and that is easily found and seen in the New Testament.  Also, it teaches of disciples and what it takes to take upon us the name of Christ.

Revelations: I also give revelations its own spot in my breakdown as I think the information contained is very pertinent to us this day in age.  We are certainly within the time of the hastening and truly believe Christ's return will come very shortly.  Revelations gives us signs and ways in which to prepare ourselves, that like the ten virgins, we are the ones with oil in our lamps: ready to meet our bridegroom.

Book of Mormon:  Also teaches of a loving God.  The Book of Mormon, like the New Testament, teaches of Christ and of his doctrine and love.  Despite all the war and carnage historically depicted, the lessons taught are of love, forgiveness and redemption making it a very uplifting and feel good read.

Doctrine and Covenants: This is a historical and accurate account of the set up of the church and their functions and how it is to be run and function.  The Doctrine and Covenants goes into deeper aspects of the gospel.  It also deals and talks a great deal about the second coming and millennium as well, correlating an awful lot with Isaiah and the Isaiah chapters found in 2 Nephi.

Pearl of Great Price: The name depicts the truths found in this book.  On the surface it seems very simplistic and correlates closely to Genesis, but when asked how to best prepare for the temple, I always direct people to the Pearl of Great Price.

As I mentioned earlier I feel that all scripture is important to read, but if you are seeking your purpose and calling in life.  I suggest studying the last days and what your role as a disciple of Christ is by reading Isaiah, Revelations and the Doctrine and Covenants!

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While I was reading Isaiah 61:3 the phrase "Trees or righteousness" stuck out to me, causing me to stop and ponder the imagery created within my mind.  I imagine a tall full tree, with boughs and limbs full of leaves, stretching ever upward toward the sky. And the though of the roots spreading out, digging deep and holding fast.
I remember the parable of the seeds thrown by the wayside that the Savior taught, and then explained later to apostles about how the plant that was thrown ion the rocks never to grow was the unbeliever. The seed that feel into the soil, but had no light, would grow, but not hold fast, like a person who joined the church, but did not dig their roots or their testimony in Christ and how the seed that feel into the soil and light was like a faithful disciple who would flourish and grow.
A tree of righteousness: holding fat to our nutrition, stabilizing ourselves as we stretch upward toward our Lord.
Also it is another reference or imagery of us being a part of the Lord's vineyard.

*

Isaiah 64:1-3

1 Oh that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence,

 2 As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!

 3 When thou didst terrible things which we looked not for, thou camest down, the mountains flowed down at thy presence.

The imagery of fire and burning that describes the Second Coming could actually be caused by the glory of Christ's person.
Elder Charles W. Penrose wrote, "He comes! With all the hosts of the righteous glorified.  The breath of his lips strikes death to the wicked.  His glory is a consuming fire.  The proud and the rebellious are as the stubble, they are burned and left neither root nor branch."
I had to stop and think about this and while I am not saying this is doctrine or this will be the case, it also makes sense as we are taught that sin and righteousness cannot abide in the same place and that sin cannot be allowed in the presence of our God. So since, Jesus having completed his mission on Earth, ascended to Heaven and Glory, it makes sense that his glory alone could be the fire that destroys the wicked.

Chapter 29: Colorado

Day after day, I started to build this false reality around me just so I could survive.  There really was hope.  Josh really did love me and getting out of the Army and moving back to Colorado would be just the think we needed.  Although Tasha lived in Colorado, I completely ignored that fact, hoping that once we were with my family again and had the additional support and new job my dad had lined up for Josh, then we could focus on our marriage and right everything.  I had a dear friend who asked me over and over again if it was time to leave, time to be done, but then she would always ask: what do you feel is right?  What is your inspiration, your guidance? And the answer for me was stay.  Try.  So I did.

Christmas came and went.  It was sweet as Dorian was old enough to open his presents by himself and like every two year old, was overjoyed at each and every toy.  The day was mostly a day for Dorian and he lived it to the fullest, passing out exhausted that night.  I can’t say I had a lot of holiday spirit so the coming and going of the holiday season meant very little to me.  With the New Year came more confidence of raising both children.   It even got to the point where I could go grocery shopping with both of the children! I was successfully accomplishing little mile stones that kept me going.  As I felt I was moving up, Josh seemed to be spiraling downward.

The closer Josh’s discharge date came, the more disturbed he seemed to get.  He started taking large amounts of money out of our account, refusing to give me explanations on what he was blowing our meager income on.  He started coming home later.  His temper was even shorter where not only was he yelling at me, he was now yelling at his son.  He would even get frustrated with the baby and even holding her seemed to be too much for him as even that simple act overwhelmed him.  I began feeling like a single mom as I was the one solely caring for the children.  I was scared to leave him at home with the children as I didn’t know what sort of monster I would return home to after just a short hour or two because once he was overwhelmed he was mean and he was angry.  There was absolutely no communication between the two of us and I could feel this anger he held all the time.  He yelled, he screamed. He cursed at every little thing and once again I couldn’t recognize the man I was married to.  This man used to make me feel like I was the most special and important girl in the world, but, now he made me feel like a fat, disgusting, judgmental piece of crap.  And sadly, I began to believe him.  I felt like everything I did wasn’t good enough.  I knew I was overweight, especially with all the baby weight; maybe that’s why he dreamed of her instead of me; maybe that’s why he exhausted his resources on porn rather than attempting to touch me.  I had been struggling with adjusting to two kids, maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom; maybe I was a failure.  I was destitute and unable to understand his lack of faith so maybe I was a horrible person; maybe it was my fault he didn’t feel accepted.

Josh also made other comments that disturbed me greatly, to the point I even contacted his commanding officer with my concerns.  True and very believable concerns based on statements Josh had made to me several times and on several different occasions.  While I was addressing my concerns with his commander I felt there was concern shown.  Yet, even just later that night I quickly saw how it was brushed off.  The officer contacted Josh, asked him a question and contented with Josh’s answer, it was quickly dropped and forgotten.  Once again I was enraged with the institution of the Army, realizing the care and concern for the soldier and the family they profess was once again nothing but an empty promise.  I was lost.  I seemed to be failing as a wife, as a mom and as a person.

Life was hard, and it just seemed to get harder every day.  Every single day I would wait and hope for his return home, which seemed to get later and later.  And instead of him giving me relief with the kids when he was home, an opportunity to fill my cup, or even an understanding of what I was trying to accomplish during my day I felt beaten and destroyed by his instant criticism which started killing the hope.  I began to dread Josh’s return from work, until one day it came to crux.  Dorian, just barely two had done something any two year would have done, but it had been enough to set Josh off.  Yelling and anger that was reserved usually for me, was spewed out to my precious little boy and something inside of me snapped.  I jumped in, sending Dorian to his room and yelling back at Josh that what he was doing was unacceptable.  I was aware he was coming home completely wasted, putting his life in danger while he drove in such a state and them putting a fear inside of me and now the children with his anger and I couldn’t live with it any longer.  I couldn’t live with his temper and his sharply worded assaults any longer and I just couldn’t live with him any longer.  I let him know it was time for him to leave.  It was obvious he didn’t want to be here, a part of our family and no one wanted him here being in the state he always seemed to be at when he came home.

Josh packed a bag and left.

We were separated.  Josh went and bunked with a fellow soldier just a month and a half before our move to Colorado.  My marriage was over.  My husband didn’t want me.  The porn, the drinking, the smoking were all more important than I was.  Yet again, a new sense of reality hit me.  After six years of marriage, and eight years of loving him, he willingly walked away.  Amellia was only six months old; still breast feeding, still needing so  much, while Dorian was my hyperactive two year old who idealized his dad and just didn’t understand why dad wasn’t coming home.  I tried to arrange times with Josh for him to come over and see the kids, but many times he was hours late or simply just didn’t show.

 I cried all the time.  I cried for all the lies and deceit I realized my marriage had been comprised of.  Josh admitted he loved me in the beginning, but that he had always been striving to be what he thought I wanted, and now, six years later, the truth of it was that he never felt like this person he had been for me, was who he really was.  He resented me for his double identity, blaming me for his unhappiness.  He admitted to smoking, drinking, and other lifestyle choices throughout all the years of our marriage, that I had been blind and unaware of.  He brought up instances that took place in our first year of marriage that had hurt him, saving them and bottling them up, never telling me until six years later, after he had already emotionally checked out.  He made me very aware, after the fact, of all the mistakes I had ever made over the years within our marriage.   He said that he stayed with me since he returned home from deployment out of expectation and obligation, but not because of love.  He said he tried to be a dutiful husband despite not loving me, but in the end, it was just too much.  Me, the children, the life, were just all too much for him to handle.  I cried.  I never stopped crying.  I cried for my children.  It just didn’t seem fair to fight so hard for these miracles, to then have to have them grow up in a broken home.  I cried as Dorian would wail at night because I wasn’t dad tucking him in and I cried to see the truth of a future that Amellia would never remember or know what it would be like to have her mom and her dad live with one another and it ripped new holes in my heart and added to the devastation I was sinking in.  It wasn’t fair.  None of this was fair and so I cried as my head tried to understand what my heart just couldn’t seem to understand as despite how awful the last two years had been and despite how awful he had been treating me and despite how awful this pain felt, my heart still longed for him; still loved him and still missed him. Because while my husband had fallen out of love with me over a span of several years, I never had and I just didn’t know how I was supposed to survive this.

I cried to my friends; I cried to my sisters; I cried to my mom, finally admitting to myself and to my loved ones the true reality of what was going on.  I couldn’t even think about the future as I was barely surviving day to day as the thought of supporting myself and my children, being a single mom, terrified and overwhelmed me.  I doubted my ability to do what seemed to lie ahead and still prayed everyday for a miracle that Josh would wake up and miss me.  Wake up and love me again.  Wake up and come home.  Wake up and be the man I willingly gave my heart to all those years ago. Yet, a day passed; a week passed and before I knew it, we were only a couple weeks away from our move.  Josh and I talked every once in a while to arrange our move to Colorado.  He made it clear he would move to Colorado with us as he always wanted to be near his children, promising to still be an active and involved father as he had always been.  For conveniences sake and to save money, Josh moved back in, sleeping again on the couch for the last two weeks of our stay in Tennessee.  When Josh and I did talk it was about who would get what.  Josh and I closed and separated our finances, took names off of credit cards and cancelled accounts, further separating our lives.  I sill prayed for a miracle, but was finally forced to face reality. 

Movers came and began packing up our life.  We labeled boxes not only with their contents, but also with “His” and “Hers” so that when we got to Colorado and had everything dropped off into storage, it would be an easy process to divvy it up and be done with the items that used to make up our home.  It is always sad to see your things packed up, even when you have a new and exciting adventure in front of you as it is a representation of a closure, but this time the impact was even more profound.  Most everything we were packing was new, a replacement of all the items we had lost in the fire.  Things we had agreed on and bought together as a new beginning and now, just a little over a year later it was being packed up as a very physical and emotional ending. 

Although I hated the idea of having to rely on my parent’s, I was looking forward to moving home and into their house once again as I felt I surely could not do this single mom thing on my own.  I was thankful and relieved to know that no matter what, my parents would be there for me and my children and since Josh didn’t want that job of provider anymore, it was nice to know I still had people who did.  For so long I felt I had been the one holding everything together.  I am the one reaching to meet every persons need, working past the point of exhaustion and depletion just to keep it all together, that I relished the idea of moving in with my parent and being taken care of, even if just a little bit because I was at my breaking point physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I knew with every fiber of my being that this move home was exactly where I was being led and it was exactly what I needed.  I kept asking Josh what living situation he had in place once we reached Colorado but every time I asked, he would always answer that he didn’t have one yet.  Although I tried not to care, it concerned me.  However, this situation was due to his choices, so let the consequences follow.

Moving day arrived.  My car was loaded with two weeks worth of clothing and necessities for me and the children.  I had Amellia behind the passenger seat where I had my bird safely buckled up and Dorian strapped in his car seat behind my seat.  My purse and a generously large bag of snacks were on the passenger side floor and I was ready to go.  I was leaving a home, but I was going home. As a new fearful and smaller family, I mumbled a quick prayer of safety while we travel, asking the Lord to please help me make this 1200 mile road trip survivable with a nursing infant and a rambunctious little boy.  Josh followed in his car, with the cat we had originally bought for Dorian to grow up with, but that plan wasn’t going to come to fruition anymore either.  My parents had a no pet rule and to be honest, I didn’t want the cat as I already had my hands full with my two little babies, so that’s how our family was split.  Me and the kids, and Josh and the cat.

Our drive took almost three days as I had to stop often to breast feed, potty breaks for Dorian as well as a need to stop to get the bugs out of Dorian’s little body.  Needless to say it was a long and exhausting drive with lots of crying, Lots of questions and lots of time to reflect, as if I had not been doing enough self wallowing, thinking and reflecting.  However, there is something about the open road that does shine clarity on a muddled mind and for me it was a simple, sweet reminder of a truth I already knew: I had two beautiful babies who needed a lot and they were entrusted to me for a reason.  I was blessed and no matter what the future held, The three of us would always be together and I would always do my all to give them all they need and deserve, so if ever there was something for me to focus on, it needed to be them.

During our trip home my mom called with a proposition.  She said that she understood why Josh and I had separated, but with the move to Colorado and this transition, the kids would need some sort of stability and she, knowing Dorian’s super hero complex for his father, suggested I offer a place to Josh in their basement.  She said me and the children would be upstairs, putting two floors between Josh and I, but that it would give the children the opportunity to see their dad everyday which she felt they needed.  I was opposed to the idea at first as I have always been one to quickly tear the band-aid off once I knew for certain it needed to come off, but she made a compelling argument and I knew my thought process and point of view were short sided and clouded with all the emotions.  I trusted her judgment and as always, wanted what was best for my children.  I passed the offer onto Josh which he quickly turned down, but after showing him my points of concern for the kids, the money he would be able to save and the logic in it, he agreed.  Mom said that she still had hope.  She really felt that if when we got to Colorado we could find Josh a good counselor to help see if Josh was bi-polar and to verify he had PTSD, we could get him the help he needed which she believed could still turn it all around.  She admitted it would be a lot of work, on him and on us, but encouraged me to hope.  Being as fearful as I was of being a single mom and being unwanted, I chose to hope with her as I wasn’t ready to just stop loving him because simply, I just didn’t know how.  I had always fought for Josh, I didn’t want to ever have any regrets, so I wasn’t going to stop just yet.