another stormy night

I wish I had some profound revelation, or inspirational insight about how we are what we survive, yadda yadda yadda, but tonight the fight is dead.  Once again I am sad and lonely.  I feel as if I am in a lose, lose situation.  I can finally just drop the emotions and people that are pulling me under, but by doing that I, according to some family members, sacrificing the happiness of my children by all the unforeseen obstacles and effects of divorce.  So either I stay in a loveless marriage as a martyr or be the villain that splits my family apart.  My direction is shaky at best; no clear strong answer or direction and I feel I am muddling around in the depression of my loneliness while I struggle to make it through each and every day.  There have been a few friends to reach out with words of encouragement, which I appreciate, but even with their love and support there is nothing for anyone to do and I am just lost. 

unfocused

My fingers effortlessly pluck away at the keys; my hands flowing over the letters faster than my mind can process or focus on.  Or rather, my hands move in distraction to avoid the thoughts that swim around in the current of my mind.  Like a camera lens coming into focus, I quickly focus again on the blur, so that the sharp edges cannot cut me again and again.  However, once a focus begins, it is no different than opening a dark room to the light, a pouring in of truth and clarity hit the bruises of my heart.

Did he ever really love me; know me?

Why am I not worth fighting for, changing for?

Will I ever be loved by a man the way I love?

How will all of this affect my children?

When is it time to cut him out of my life?

How can I start over?

Who am I without him?

Was the eight and a half years we were together worth it?

Why was I so blind?

Sadly, this list could cover pages and I know many, if not all will probably never have answers.  How do you live with that?  How do you move on when you have a gaping hole in your life with a shamble of a patch made of faith, hope and sheer determination to cover it?  How do you not take things personally when it is a very personal rejection?  How do I move on when I am scared to?  The whole point of a divorce is to distance myself and the children from the habits and anger that needs to be dealt with as well as to give me a chance to find a love that uplifts me, strengthens me and hopefully will live with me, but what if that never comes to fruition?  It is hard leaving the only thing I have ever known for a possibility of a batter life, when I already know it will be just as hard and challenging.  I curse my weaknesses for the doubt, or for the temptation to stay and take a loveless marriage.  I curse myself for finding myself in this situation in the first place.  So many overwhelming thoughts that spin me around and around until I am sick on my feet, stumbling and dizzy.  There is no way to quiet this torrent.  Only to ignore the brutal truths until I am able to deal with them.  Until I have a job, until the divorce is finalized, until I finally stop doubting.

?

Can you hear my quiet thoughts?

Can you feel my presence, when I think of you, even when I am not there by your side?

Can you see my image in your mind?

Do you feel my smile, and tingle with my laughter?

Do you feel the burden of the tears I cry?

My beating heart, does it beat within you, keeping time to the dance of life?

Do my hopes mean just as much to you, fueling us together in unison?

Do you think of me with a smile of fondness and a prick of the heart?

Do you miss me constantly, even if I am only out of view?

Do you love me, simply because I need someone to?

A Near Life Experience

I had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with a dear friend the other night and we were talking about near death experiences and the way they changed a person for the negative/positive.  My friend commented that he had heard example after example of these people who had a near death experience become more compassionate and selfless, but ironically would often cease frequenting their church or place of worship.  I then talked of my near death experience with the car accident and for me it was the exact opposite.  While we were in this mode of thought my friend jokingly said that he has near life experiences, but little did he know, he had just coined a new phrase.  The more I thought about the constructs of what a near life experience would be, the more I fell in love with it, so let me break down my thought process:

Near death experience                                                         

*One faces the possibility of death                             

*One contemplates a life after death                         

*Most times a person looks back on this with remorse, as all they want to do now is live.     

                                                                                           
Near life experience

*One faces the possibility of life

*One contemplates a death after life

* A person looks at the experience and is so involved in the experience they would like to die to be done with it, or die in happiness. (or put more beautifully by someone else, a brilliant moment of clarity that shines amongst the darkness of our life)

I know this is incredibly simplified, so let’s see if I can explain this plainly without losing the epiphany I had.   Death causes us mortals to question and come to terms with our mortality, but as my friend reminded me, “we are not creature of decay.”  We are meant to be healthy and live rich full lives, but I feel we get stuck on things that keep us in a box and focused only on our demise.  As many of you know, I have been going through some hard trials lately.  Obviously they are trials, meaning they are in no way easy to deal with, but they are near life experiences.  These trials force me live my life fully and in a way that hurts while I stretch to fit the experience.  It makes me be present in what I am going through as well as encourages me to think on living in a way that I would be proud of my choices in death.   There are many a day I would love to just roll over and die (excuse the depressive theatrics), but remembering my choice to live, and live proudly, I face my near life experience.  After all aren’t these things that we are even here on this earth to experience!  Like a near death experience, a near life experience should change our lives as we have a new focus and a broader scope of what we are and what we are doing. 

I am not trying to make this post about my personal struggles as that is not what this post is about, but rather trying to explain what I have learned through my experiences. I would love your feedback and if you feel you can explain what I am trying to get across more acutely, then please post a comment with your thoughts!

Ah, another lonely night with a head full of tears I refuse to release.  Another disappointment.  Another long day.  Another worn apology.  My heart and head are so full that despite the exhaustion, I cannot sleep.  Yet, I am alright because that is what I tell people when they ask. 

It is always going to be difficult with him and to be honest I dread the long road ahead because with our children, my life will always be intertwined with his and it still hurts so bad at the stark coldness of all that is lost.  I hate this life I have found myself in.

On a very different note, I am beginning to plan for a life of financial independence and stability and although I have a degree (in English) there is not a whole lot out there I feel will suit what I am looking for.  Therefore, I have decided to enroll in cake decorating classes (a recent hobby I have enjoyed) to see if I can somehow do something with that and if it turns out not to be a reliable source of income, then I have at least furthered a talent.  Classes start the 11^th.

"My life is a gift, my life has a plan"

I have been in my children’s room for the last hour trying to get their restless bodies to sleep.  Usually I grow frustrated and to be honest, annoyed at the length of time that seems to be required some nights to get my two rambunctious little balls of energy to sleep.  Tonight however, I figured I would try singing church music to them as usually I didn’t because there was no point when it wouldn’t be heard over the screaming, my two year old would tell me to stop and other various circumstances. 

It began with me singing the first couple of songs that came to mind, but after several minutes I was quickly shuffling through the songs I knew by heart.  And heart, is exactly what this music was.  Although both children were awake, they were quiet, respectful participants as they listened to the words about Jesus and our Heavenly Father.  I would often times have to pause and I tried to recall a lyric or melody and I would hear the soft whisper of my two year old encourage with, “more?”

My seven month old daughter held my hand as I sand song after song and I was so touched with the peace that filled their small, toy crowded room and I felt sure there were angels among us, ministering to my babies and watching the praise we gave our Lord.  I felt an overwhelming sense of blessing and I knew it were moments like these that made me a mom.  It was for these special lessons that I was blessed with children, despite the odds. 

What a powerful medium music can be.

Mt. Evans

Today I had the pleasure of going to the mountains.  We drove up Mt. Evans and I was reminded of all the passages in the scriptures that spoke of prophets going up to the mountains as they were a temple to the Lord.  The Earth has a spirit and has been sanctified by God.  Mountains are often traversed less than other ground and remain more untouched by the ills and needs of the human populace that leaves destruction in their waste.  It makes sense then, why this is an acceptable place of sacredness to converse with the Lord and receive revelation.  I also couldn’t help but see the metaphor: when one makes the effort to struggle (emotional, physical, mental, etc) to the top one has a clear, unobstructed view of the area around the mountain.  So it is in our development to draw unto the Lord.  The more we struggle, push and climb, the more of a view is afforded us. 

Another really interesting thing that stood out to me on our drive was the bristlecone, a tree that grows twisted for a stronger foundation against extreme winds.  These pines are the oldest single living organism on earth, capable of living for thousands of years.  Although I have not lived for thousands of years, I felt very much like these trees.  Due to the sharp, harsh environment I live in and due to the trials that surround me, I have had to twist and turn my understandings, desires and hopes in order to survive the torment my body endures.  These trees are slightly dwarfed (yes that was a short joke) and not exactly beautiful to look at, but yet your eyes are drawn to them and you have a sort of respect in your heart for their survival ability.

Duh!

I feel silly for not recognizing this myself, but talking with my mom she pointed out that only within the last week have I stopped breast feeding, so this depression is likely due to the huge hormone change my body is going through.  I feel a little less like a crazy person when there is an explanation for feeling as crappy as I do.  So with that new knowledge, I know an end is in fact in sight and I am not doing anything wrong.  My carnal body is just blocking my faith, insight, hope, love etc.  Hopefully brighter posts are to come.

6/6/13

Another hard night tonight.  I am fighting some depression and more than ever I am just tempted to give in and give up.  Yet, this will never happen as I have two beautiful children who count on me daily, which means no matter how much I am splitting at the seams, I need to hold it together.  I just want to feel alive; to feel like I am not just surviving, but living.  I am at the point where I have no idea how to fill my cup or recover from all that I feel is lost. 

Morning

The light touches my eyes and I remember the heavy hurt of the night before.  My heart still rages in anger as the memories try to hold me to my bed.  I hear my children screaming, meaning there is no time to lounge awake slowly.  The sun warms my face as I stretch my stiff arms, and arch my sore back.  It is another day.  Another day to try and forget. 

I stumble onto my awkward, dry feet, thinking of the lotion I desire to put on them if only I had the time, but the piercing wail of my daughter shoots me into action on my course to motherhood for another day.  I peek my head into her room as I finish pulling a shirt on over my own head and can relate to the miserable face and cry she issues forth.  I pick my chubby, bright blue eyed doll from her crib and rock her in my arms, wishing I too had someone to rock and comfort me.  I let the thought go as quickly as it came because now that the babies are up, the work must commence.  Mouths to feed and hand s to fight away.  Bottles to clean, pure childlike white skin to clothe, beds to make and games to be had.  My needs don’t matter at the moment. I only hope that tonight when the loneliness encircles me with its taunting arms again, I am able to at least brandish a little hope to make a restful sleep possible. 

My children rub their eyes with their little fisted hands and I find my fingers rubbing the tired from my eyes as well.  Fresh demands are given to me from my expectant son and vocal whining daughter.  I force a potty time and pull the rat nest of hair on my head into a bun as much as I can before trekking downstairs to begin the fight of mealtime.  I am tired.  I am always tired.  I love them so much though.  They are all I have left in this life, so once again, I put myself away and I be what they need as best I can. 

Tonight is sadness.  I feel like I have been doing pretty well, holding things together during the day to then sort through the quagmire of emotions I have within me at night.  Tonight though, there is only one emotion and its heaviness is surprising.  This is my life.  27 and this is where I stand.  For those of you who ever read my story, you know there was another option besides Josh while I was dating.  Tonight I have indulged in the what if game and while choosing that other person would not at all have been an easier life, it would be one where I know I would at least still be loved by this individual.  Tonight the mortal side of me yearns to be held and loved.  No, no regrets about my choices and my past, but what if tonight I didn’t have to be alone.  What if tonight I could be someone’s special someone.