unfocused

My fingers effortlessly pluck away at the keys; my hands flowing over the letters faster than my mind can process or focus on.  Or rather, my hands move in distraction to avoid the thoughts that swim around in the current of my mind.  Like a camera lens coming into focus, I quickly focus again on the blur, so that the sharp edges cannot cut me again and again.  However, once a focus begins, it is no different than opening a dark room to the light, a pouring in of truth and clarity hit the bruises of my heart.

Did he ever really love me; know me?

Why am I not worth fighting for, changing for?

Will I ever be loved by a man the way I love?

How will all of this affect my children?

When is it time to cut him out of my life?

How can I start over?

Who am I without him?

Was the eight and a half years we were together worth it?

Why was I so blind?

Sadly, this list could cover pages and I know many, if not all will probably never have answers.  How do you live with that?  How do you move on when you have a gaping hole in your life with a shamble of a patch made of faith, hope and sheer determination to cover it?  How do you not take things personally when it is a very personal rejection?  How do I move on when I am scared to?  The whole point of a divorce is to distance myself and the children from the habits and anger that needs to be dealt with as well as to give me a chance to find a love that uplifts me, strengthens me and hopefully will live with me, but what if that never comes to fruition?  It is hard leaving the only thing I have ever known for a possibility of a batter life, when I already know it will be just as hard and challenging.  I curse my weaknesses for the doubt, or for the temptation to stay and take a loveless marriage.  I curse myself for finding myself in this situation in the first place.  So many overwhelming thoughts that spin me around and around until I am sick on my feet, stumbling and dizzy.  There is no way to quiet this torrent.  Only to ignore the brutal truths until I am able to deal with them.  Until I have a job, until the divorce is finalized, until I finally stop doubting.