Crazy Emotional

I hate when I don't feel in control and sadly, that has been most of my married life.  I have been working really hard to establish control over myself and my life by taking charge and mapping out just what and who I want to be, but there are still those days that these crazy emotions take over and I lose control all over to the blubbering, boiling mess I become.
I have been very uncomfortable as I am again having an allergic reaction to the tape used in my incisions.  I would just take the tape off, but there are no staples or stitches, just the tape holding me together.  Oh and did I mention no one has been in the office the last two days?  I have an appointment tomorrow, but the itching is a constant and it is red and swelling in irritation and is more sore now than it was after the procedure, meaning I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere and still have to take medication, which lets be honest, just does not make me a good mom as I am lethargic and tired all the time. My three year old and one year just don't understand and I am at the end of my rope as they both scream and cry for me or continually knock me where I am still so sore and irritated. Don't get me wrong, it is worth all of this, but it is so hard to not feel down and sorry for myself as this is not the life I worked so hard for. This is not what I was promised.  I would not have had two kids if I knew I had to raise them on my own.  Now I wouldn't trade either of them for anything, but I was promised an eternal spouse.  I was promised they would have a father so that when I did decide to take care of myself, I wouldn't have to doubt and triple calculate just to make sure I can take care of their needs as well as my own.  It hurts so much and makes me so mad that while I am here recovering from surgery and trying to take care of two kids under the age of three, the person who promised me so many things is now miles away living with another woman, doing whatever it is he wants to do, with no thought as to how his actions affect those around him. I know his judgment will come and he will answer for his actions, but it just doesn't seem fair that everyday is such a fight for me due to his choices. He was a great husband. A great dad and he is gone.  Now? Now I am to the point I dream of marrying someone new who will adopt my children and be a dad to them that no longer exists in their lives.
I understand that it is necessary to deal with these emotions and cry the way I do, but I hate that I even have tears left to cry for or because of him.  He doesn't deserve my tears, but obviously, I still do so cry, cry, cry.