Painted heart. Realistically told.
Rhinestone and cubic zirconia
A forged value was shown.
Taken home, shown in treasured light
dusted, cared for, a treasured delight
A prize expensively purchased
The con's greatest trick
Truth hiding, a clock's waiting tick
Deception found: value lost
once a prize: garbage at great cost.
The owner bereaved in fooled beauty and truth
A house now empty, a reminder, a proof
echo of the past still creep in, yet hope for a new beauty to begin again.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Tempered Heart
tempered heart, forged through strain
beaten, melted, all the same.
Sharp and pointed, to me it feels
an iron clad, bound in steel.
shinning and strong, it points true
guiding me, protecting me, getting me through.
Hard, yet flexible. I forge on
working and watching a new day dawn.
beaten, melted, all the same.
Sharp and pointed, to me it feels
an iron clad, bound in steel.
shinning and strong, it points true
guiding me, protecting me, getting me through.
Hard, yet flexible. I forge on
working and watching a new day dawn.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
On my mind
So this post may seem a little like it is coming from left field, especially since it has been so long since I have posted, but I have been thinking about this for several days.
I once saw an article on Yahoo about how the longer a happy couple stays together, the more their physical features change resulting in the couple looking very similar, almost in some extents where they look like they are brother and sister. This was a fun article to read and one I suggest reading:
http://www.9jabook.com/profiles/blogs/why-couples-look-alike-after
the writer of the theory states that it is due to sharing the same emotions, and therefore having the same facial reactions and expressions that leads to this, but I theorize it is much deeper, especially when looked at in an eternal scale.
When you marry, you bind yourself legally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. As anyone knows the foundation for a successful marriage is sharing the same goals. you have to be headed in the same direction for a marriage to work. Plans alter, but the direction stays the same as you and your spouse work towards building your home around something. This partnership is invaluable in life, which is why despite the statistics and hoopla associated with a marriage, people still choose everyday to find their helpmate in life.
Also with marriage comes the personal closeness and connection found within the marital bands of intimacy with your partner. Never before have I ever felt as close emotionally with a person as I did with my spouse when we shared in those intimate moments. I bring this up as I believe this act of intimacy is much more than carnal and emotional needs being met. It is a true communication of souls as two people put themselves together to be one.
The prelude of all of this, leads here: when we are happily married and striving to maintain, strengthen and grow these relationships we are working on the art of selflessness in small degrees and aligning ourselves with one another.
All growing up I was taught to Choose The Right and follow Christ and his example as we are all trying to be as he was, love as he did that we may align ourselves with our Lord, making us more like him. And I may be completely off base, but come on, a good 9/10 I can point to a person by the way they act and by the way they look and know for a fact they are a Latter Day Saint. When we take upon ourselves the name and work of the Lord, his light shines through us, so why would it not also be similar on a smaller scale between husband and wife?
The soul is a powerful thing and sadly I feel we get so caught up in the carnal aspects of our bodies, we forget the magnitude and birthright of power endowed in each of us. Meaning this: I believe our souls take on the look of our lives.
For all my literary readers out there, you have seen this discussed in depth in the book The Picture of Dorian Gray. This man is painted in his innocent and youth, a beauty. Somehow the man painted remains forever in this youthful, innocent state while the portrait turn to a hideous old man as the character ventured into corruption, selfishness, and murder. The moral of the story being that our actions color who we are internally as well as externally and there is nothing we can do to hide from those marring scars and blotches. if we take filth into ourselves, why would it not be seen in our countenance?
Having said this, let me transition into my life experiences. I always felt very connected to my ex husband emotionally. although he did not return the channel of communication, I very much was linked to him emotionally. This became very difficult for me as the years leading to our divorce were filled with anger, sorrow, and other very dark emotions that I often felt dragged down and beaten. As you know, I have worked very hard on myself this last year as I have been trying to separate myself from the man I thought would be my forever. It has proven to be a very hard link to sever. When Josh walks into the house to be with the children, instantly I feel his anger that is still always present and it hurts to know I still feel it so deeply within myself just by the sheer fact of him walking through the door. This is the part I have especially been reflecting on as I wish I knew how to be done with all the emotional holds I ever had with him, but found peace in this, and I apologize in advance if this comes off callous, but these are my observations: I have been focusing on my relationship with God, my children and myself as I strive to be a better person to be able to serve my children better. In this last year I have remapped my emotions and my line of thinking as I separated myself from the toxic degeneration and negativity the relationship I was in only promoted. I have lost 40 pounds and look better than I have looked in years, I can't even tell you how many people have come up to me saying the same words of "you look like yourself again. It is so good to see you so happy." Although this has not been an easy year it has been a good year as I have overcome so much and am learning to put my trust and faith in things that are not of this world. I feel like who I am and how I look radiated the life I live.
In comparison, it has been interesting to see the slow change of the man that used to be my husband. He has lost lots of weight. his balding has increased and there is never a smile to be seen. His face is worn and taut and it seems very clear to me he is unhappy. I admit now the unhappy is a judgment on my part, but He has commented several times he is still suicidal, he is always angry and in his words he "isn't doing well" I am sure there are explanations like lack of sleep, lack of food, cigarettes, alcohol, etc, but the point remains: he too wears his lifestyle on his face.
So in a very verbose and long winded post, this is what I am saying: we look like what we put effort into.
I once saw an article on Yahoo about how the longer a happy couple stays together, the more their physical features change resulting in the couple looking very similar, almost in some extents where they look like they are brother and sister. This was a fun article to read and one I suggest reading:
http://www.9jabook.com/profiles/blogs/why-couples-look-alike-after
the writer of the theory states that it is due to sharing the same emotions, and therefore having the same facial reactions and expressions that leads to this, but I theorize it is much deeper, especially when looked at in an eternal scale.
When you marry, you bind yourself legally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. As anyone knows the foundation for a successful marriage is sharing the same goals. you have to be headed in the same direction for a marriage to work. Plans alter, but the direction stays the same as you and your spouse work towards building your home around something. This partnership is invaluable in life, which is why despite the statistics and hoopla associated with a marriage, people still choose everyday to find their helpmate in life.
Also with marriage comes the personal closeness and connection found within the marital bands of intimacy with your partner. Never before have I ever felt as close emotionally with a person as I did with my spouse when we shared in those intimate moments. I bring this up as I believe this act of intimacy is much more than carnal and emotional needs being met. It is a true communication of souls as two people put themselves together to be one.
The prelude of all of this, leads here: when we are happily married and striving to maintain, strengthen and grow these relationships we are working on the art of selflessness in small degrees and aligning ourselves with one another.
All growing up I was taught to Choose The Right and follow Christ and his example as we are all trying to be as he was, love as he did that we may align ourselves with our Lord, making us more like him. And I may be completely off base, but come on, a good 9/10 I can point to a person by the way they act and by the way they look and know for a fact they are a Latter Day Saint. When we take upon ourselves the name and work of the Lord, his light shines through us, so why would it not also be similar on a smaller scale between husband and wife?
The soul is a powerful thing and sadly I feel we get so caught up in the carnal aspects of our bodies, we forget the magnitude and birthright of power endowed in each of us. Meaning this: I believe our souls take on the look of our lives.
For all my literary readers out there, you have seen this discussed in depth in the book The Picture of Dorian Gray. This man is painted in his innocent and youth, a beauty. Somehow the man painted remains forever in this youthful, innocent state while the portrait turn to a hideous old man as the character ventured into corruption, selfishness, and murder. The moral of the story being that our actions color who we are internally as well as externally and there is nothing we can do to hide from those marring scars and blotches. if we take filth into ourselves, why would it not be seen in our countenance?
Having said this, let me transition into my life experiences. I always felt very connected to my ex husband emotionally. although he did not return the channel of communication, I very much was linked to him emotionally. This became very difficult for me as the years leading to our divorce were filled with anger, sorrow, and other very dark emotions that I often felt dragged down and beaten. As you know, I have worked very hard on myself this last year as I have been trying to separate myself from the man I thought would be my forever. It has proven to be a very hard link to sever. When Josh walks into the house to be with the children, instantly I feel his anger that is still always present and it hurts to know I still feel it so deeply within myself just by the sheer fact of him walking through the door. This is the part I have especially been reflecting on as I wish I knew how to be done with all the emotional holds I ever had with him, but found peace in this, and I apologize in advance if this comes off callous, but these are my observations: I have been focusing on my relationship with God, my children and myself as I strive to be a better person to be able to serve my children better. In this last year I have remapped my emotions and my line of thinking as I separated myself from the toxic degeneration and negativity the relationship I was in only promoted. I have lost 40 pounds and look better than I have looked in years, I can't even tell you how many people have come up to me saying the same words of "you look like yourself again. It is so good to see you so happy." Although this has not been an easy year it has been a good year as I have overcome so much and am learning to put my trust and faith in things that are not of this world. I feel like who I am and how I look radiated the life I live.
In comparison, it has been interesting to see the slow change of the man that used to be my husband. He has lost lots of weight. his balding has increased and there is never a smile to be seen. His face is worn and taut and it seems very clear to me he is unhappy. I admit now the unhappy is a judgment on my part, but He has commented several times he is still suicidal, he is always angry and in his words he "isn't doing well" I am sure there are explanations like lack of sleep, lack of food, cigarettes, alcohol, etc, but the point remains: he too wears his lifestyle on his face.
So in a very verbose and long winded post, this is what I am saying: we look like what we put effort into.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Comment
The other day I received a comment on one of my last posts where I lamented not knowing how Josh fell out of love with me. The comment was from a church friend and seemed so obvious, and yet somehow I had missed it all along. So thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me an answer that finally makes sense. Basically what she had to say was this: Josh was in love when he felt the giddy excitement of a new romance and over time that feeling and the "honeymoon phase" wear off. Rather than investing himself and sparking a lasting love as an adult would do; he allowed the giddy excitement to peter off and with it all feelings of love for me. It was selfish and it was childish. I always just assumed he loved me the same way I loved him and that is why I could never understand how you forget of "fall" out of love with someone. I think it was exactly this. Rather than committing himself to our love and our marriage he let it fade one the excitement wears off, and it does, so this finally makes sense to me. I then started thinking when the giddy fell away for me or when and why I developed a love and I feel it was when I made the choice to fight for him. I had never before stood in opposition of e my parents before Josh and when I realized the stance I was going to have to take, I thought it through. I actively fought to be with him and that is not something I would have done over giddy excitement. It is very obvious that I loved me and my only regret is giving it so willingly to someone who did not deserve or respect it. Even though this answer did not come from Josh and I may be jumping to conclusions (although I doubt I am) I feel I finally have an answer and explanation that fits our story and makes sense to me. Although this does not allow me to just erase it all from my memory and move on, I feel I finally got what I have been searching for and realizing his choices were his own and I shouldn't let his choices shadow my life with fear. I still have a lot of fears and insecurities that will need constant validation and attention from whomever I end up with, but that I wont allow these insecurities or fears to hold me back or jade my future experiences as I have the opportunity to date men who are honest and deserving of my trust.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
More together
Life is slowly coming together for me. For so long every day has just been a day I need to survive. A day I need to get through for myself and for my children. Finally though, the struggle of each day is starting to ease. I am beginning to see things past the end of the day and hope for things beyond just tomorrow. For the last several months there have been tasks and emotions that have been so overwhelming and disheartening that the children and I would sit on the couch all day as I sat in my depression, doing all that I knew how to do. Don't get me wrong, that was not a daily thing, but it was very clear I had lost the mother, the part of myself that I had been before my marriage began to fall apart. I used to do an activity with my child everyday to inspire his wonder and expand his knowledge and that has sadly all fallen to the wayside. Outing easily overwhelmed me and they decreased drastically. However, I am working on picking these things up again. I am a little less self focused that I have more patience when my 3 year old son starts a new tirade and barrage of questions of why, why, how, why, when, who, why, why, why...you get the point. We have year passes to the zoo, the butterfly pavilion and the children's museum (thanks to Christmas gifts and friends) and we have been trying to go more regularly to create a space outside of the nest we and slothful habits we sometimes fall into at home. My cake business has exploded and I am staying busy with orders and new prospects in just a matter of months. I am 3/4 of the way through my self help program (The Last Year of Your Life) and while not as life altering and exciting as the first couple weeks, it is still a great program to help me achieve my goals and track my progress. Since July I have lost 40 lbs and have kept it all off which has radically transformed my life as I am sure you have seen. I still go to the gym and work hard, but keep my same standard of life. I eat what I want and do what I do and have hit a little it of a wall, but still plan on losing weight as I have the time and motivation to make it more of a priority, and right now the priority is health and emotional cleansing. I find myself smiling more and day by day I find myself thinking of him less and less. This has been a process and I know there is still a lot more to it, but it feels so good to finally be on the downhill side of things. I know this is a very short general overview that I am sure most of you are aware of anyway, but after the last couple post I want to stress that despite the hard days, I am happy. I love my Father in Heaven who blesses me daily and am so thankful for my parents who have been a very needed lifeline throughout all of this. I am excited and ready to SLOWLY transition into the dating world. After my shock in TX and all the muddled emotions of my heart and head, I feel I am more prepared to find the single woman I am. I love you all!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
A New Week: Emotional Cleanse
ok, so if you couldn't tell from my last post and then the couple days of absence, I have been a little emotional. Between my trip to TX, what I consider a lost friendship, and all the emotions of the divorce, I have been struggling a little. I have been very introspective for the last several days, but going to the temple and then conference, I feel like as soon as I get them out in the open, I can start the emotional cleanse. So, here we go.
I have become aware that recently I have been taking comments from several different people as judgmental and demeaning. Although some were in fact, very few were ever meant to be that way. As soon as I felt judged, I would feel my walls go up and a boil in my stomach, attempting to turn itself into anger. As of late, I feel I have really worked on my anger and not been quick to that emotion as I once was, so I was aware of how of how often I was feeling this way. I began pondering why I was feeling to abused and slowly I pieced my memories together to come up with this:
In my post about TX I indicated I still had emotions from the past with Josh that I had not been able to put behind me as I had thought and upon reflection found the question that was never answered and that still pulls at my heart. Why and how did Josh fall out of love with me? As you are very aware, Josh and I had been having a rough time of things for a long while. There were many nights I would cry wondering how I could be married to this person, how was it even possible to make this work and would seethe with emotions of anger at the wrongs he had done to me, but despite it all, I still loved him. I had never stopped loving him. Even now, after months of hard work at separating my heart from his and repairing all the damage, I still love the man I married eight years ago. To clarify, I do not love the man he is now, but those memories, that man, I love that even now. I still struggle with letting go of the love I had developed and held onto for so long. So then how is it possible for him to just stop loving me? to stop caring for me? I have asked him and am always answered with "I don't know." "It wasn't you." "It just happened." but none of those make sense to me and they certainly don't answer the question. I hate to admit this, but I could almost understand it more if it was because he loved her more, but that isn't even the case. He lost all emotion and love for me and he had admitted so many times. To him, I simply became the mother to his children, nothing more and yes those are direct words from his mouth. I just don't know how to make sense of it and being the human being that I am, I still wonder what I did wrong, what is wrong with me or why would it not happen again? See, how can I be seriously involved with anyone when I still struggle with this and fear this? How can I trust someone with my heart when I don't know how to trust a man with it? I gave him everything that I was and all of it was not only rejected, but completely devalued and discarded. This seems to be the knot in my heart that I don't know how to pick out and there are several different threads of emotion making the knot as big as it is. Self esteem, self worth, trust, love, respect, etc
So retreating back to the anger and defensiveness when I feel judged all goes back to this. This constant reminder that it is possible to fall out of love with me and the very hard memories of how for three years I was not loved, but pretended to be and how for three years I was blamed and belittled and accused and to be very honest abused. Please, let me be clear. Josh never raised a hand to either me or the children, but to be led on for three years and take many of the things that were thrown at me verbally and emotionally were very abusive. I was actually reading a book on abuse and was surprised when I saw how many commonalities and characteristics I shared with the victim. I held this thought in my head, but rarely voiced it or even made it real until just a couple weeks ago a woman from a battered woman's shelter came to educate the relief society on forms of abuse and how to recognize it. My heart ached as once again I realized how for so long I allowed myself to be victimized and yet still remain oblivious to it. I have been distraught and disgusted with myself, and sad knowing that even if I could go back in time, I don't think there is anything I would change, How did I end up here? I have always thought myself strong, fierce, stubborn and yet I took what I did for years thinking it was good enough and I didn't want to lose what I did have. Then there was fear. fear of raising my kids alone. Fear of providing for my kids financially. It took Josh degrading me and disrespecting me in the worst way possible, by cheating on me, for me to finally stand up for myself and stupidly even then for weeks I wanted him to crawl back apologizing so I could work on forgiving him and have back the life I knew. not sure if it was love, fear or just stupidity, but it was really hard acknowledging a separation that could and would never be repaired.
It is because of things said to me and the way I was treated for so long that I now seem to by hyper-sensitive to the judgments of others. I have worked so hard on myself these last eight months, building up a woman who can carry the load on her back, but when I feel people are pointing out my flaws or mistakes it is my Achilles heel that brings me down to the sad, self hating, fearful victim I had become.
Everyday I am still working on building myself up; trying to focus more on the positive than the negative and gaining confidence in who I am and what I can do. I have to remind myself frequently and some days easily forget the progress I have made, but still I work on it. I love you all and apologize for my rant. I love you all and honestly that post was not even for any of you who read my blog, just words I felt I needed to say. I love the support and advice you offer me and want you to know I always love and welcome it! However, if you have a comment that will not help in any way, keep it to yourself :)
I have become aware that recently I have been taking comments from several different people as judgmental and demeaning. Although some were in fact, very few were ever meant to be that way. As soon as I felt judged, I would feel my walls go up and a boil in my stomach, attempting to turn itself into anger. As of late, I feel I have really worked on my anger and not been quick to that emotion as I once was, so I was aware of how of how often I was feeling this way. I began pondering why I was feeling to abused and slowly I pieced my memories together to come up with this:
In my post about TX I indicated I still had emotions from the past with Josh that I had not been able to put behind me as I had thought and upon reflection found the question that was never answered and that still pulls at my heart. Why and how did Josh fall out of love with me? As you are very aware, Josh and I had been having a rough time of things for a long while. There were many nights I would cry wondering how I could be married to this person, how was it even possible to make this work and would seethe with emotions of anger at the wrongs he had done to me, but despite it all, I still loved him. I had never stopped loving him. Even now, after months of hard work at separating my heart from his and repairing all the damage, I still love the man I married eight years ago. To clarify, I do not love the man he is now, but those memories, that man, I love that even now. I still struggle with letting go of the love I had developed and held onto for so long. So then how is it possible for him to just stop loving me? to stop caring for me? I have asked him and am always answered with "I don't know." "It wasn't you." "It just happened." but none of those make sense to me and they certainly don't answer the question. I hate to admit this, but I could almost understand it more if it was because he loved her more, but that isn't even the case. He lost all emotion and love for me and he had admitted so many times. To him, I simply became the mother to his children, nothing more and yes those are direct words from his mouth. I just don't know how to make sense of it and being the human being that I am, I still wonder what I did wrong, what is wrong with me or why would it not happen again? See, how can I be seriously involved with anyone when I still struggle with this and fear this? How can I trust someone with my heart when I don't know how to trust a man with it? I gave him everything that I was and all of it was not only rejected, but completely devalued and discarded. This seems to be the knot in my heart that I don't know how to pick out and there are several different threads of emotion making the knot as big as it is. Self esteem, self worth, trust, love, respect, etc
So retreating back to the anger and defensiveness when I feel judged all goes back to this. This constant reminder that it is possible to fall out of love with me and the very hard memories of how for three years I was not loved, but pretended to be and how for three years I was blamed and belittled and accused and to be very honest abused. Please, let me be clear. Josh never raised a hand to either me or the children, but to be led on for three years and take many of the things that were thrown at me verbally and emotionally were very abusive. I was actually reading a book on abuse and was surprised when I saw how many commonalities and characteristics I shared with the victim. I held this thought in my head, but rarely voiced it or even made it real until just a couple weeks ago a woman from a battered woman's shelter came to educate the relief society on forms of abuse and how to recognize it. My heart ached as once again I realized how for so long I allowed myself to be victimized and yet still remain oblivious to it. I have been distraught and disgusted with myself, and sad knowing that even if I could go back in time, I don't think there is anything I would change, How did I end up here? I have always thought myself strong, fierce, stubborn and yet I took what I did for years thinking it was good enough and I didn't want to lose what I did have. Then there was fear. fear of raising my kids alone. Fear of providing for my kids financially. It took Josh degrading me and disrespecting me in the worst way possible, by cheating on me, for me to finally stand up for myself and stupidly even then for weeks I wanted him to crawl back apologizing so I could work on forgiving him and have back the life I knew. not sure if it was love, fear or just stupidity, but it was really hard acknowledging a separation that could and would never be repaired.
It is because of things said to me and the way I was treated for so long that I now seem to by hyper-sensitive to the judgments of others. I have worked so hard on myself these last eight months, building up a woman who can carry the load on her back, but when I feel people are pointing out my flaws or mistakes it is my Achilles heel that brings me down to the sad, self hating, fearful victim I had become.
Everyday I am still working on building myself up; trying to focus more on the positive than the negative and gaining confidence in who I am and what I can do. I have to remind myself frequently and some days easily forget the progress I have made, but still I work on it. I love you all and apologize for my rant. I love you all and honestly that post was not even for any of you who read my blog, just words I felt I needed to say. I love the support and advice you offer me and want you to know I always love and welcome it! However, if you have a comment that will not help in any way, keep it to yourself :)
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Have a Little Faith
Okay, here it is straight out. I guess a lot of people had a lot of thoughts on my developing relationship with Matt as well as my trip for his baptism. I thought I had expressed myself last night, but let me state it clearly again:
I AM NOT GOING TO JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP OR DATE ANYONE SERIOUSLY AS RIGHT NOW MY FOCUS IS STILL MYSELF.
this includes, but is not limited to:
my relationship with God
my time with family
my time with friends
my experiences
my exercise routine
my diet
my goals
my, my, my, my, my, my, ect, ect, ect, ect!
Please don't get me wrong, I appreciate people's concern and comments, but there has been a lot of judgment about what people think I should do or whom I should be gravitating to and the bottom line is this: I am following the spirit as I rely on it to guide me in all aspects of my life, so please have a little faith in me and the choices I make.
To be very blunt and straight forward there are two men I plan on dating and am open to dating whomever asks me, but at this point the list includes:
Matt
Brad
I want only casual as I finish repairing everything I broke and Josh broke.
I will no longer apologize for myself or who I am!
The end!
I AM NOT GOING TO JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP OR DATE ANYONE SERIOUSLY AS RIGHT NOW MY FOCUS IS STILL MYSELF.
this includes, but is not limited to:
my relationship with God
my time with family
my time with friends
my experiences
my exercise routine
my diet
my goals
my, my, my, my, my, my, ect, ect, ect, ect!
Please don't get me wrong, I appreciate people's concern and comments, but there has been a lot of judgment about what people think I should do or whom I should be gravitating to and the bottom line is this: I am following the spirit as I rely on it to guide me in all aspects of my life, so please have a little faith in me and the choices I make.
To be very blunt and straight forward there are two men I plan on dating and am open to dating whomever asks me, but at this point the list includes:
Matt
Brad
I want only casual as I finish repairing everything I broke and Josh broke.
I will no longer apologize for myself or who I am!
The end!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
weekend
So as you all know, I just spent the last three days in TX visiting a friend who was getting baptized, as well as someone I would like to date. I have to admit I looked forward to this trip with a lot of anticipation, counting down the days until I was divorced, so that I could finally start over. To give perspective and a time frame here it is: Josh and I began having problems when he retuned home from Afghanistan (3 1/2 years ago). Just after the fire I found out about his leaving the church and his emotional affair with Tasha (just over 2 years ago) I found out about Josh's physilcal affair in September (8 months ago) so as you can see this was no quick process where I was just expected to cut all ties; it is something I have literally been trying to do for years now and thought I had accomplished slowly overtime as Cherish 2.0 has come to fruition. Now I have no intention of jumping into anything serious, but had been hoping and dreaming for a long while of jumping in feet first into the single, dating life. (yes, I know all of this is just a long prequel to this:)
So upon arriving in TX Matt took me in a hug and greeted me with a peck and then a kiss. Talk about a shock. I was not prepared for the thoughts and emotions I had. Naively, I went out there thinking I could be a normal single woman without taking into account my past. Because as soon as his lips were on mine, I realized it had been 10 years since I had kissed anyone except for Josh. So here I am with a start over kiss and in the back of my mind Josh is still there, reminding me how long it has been, giving me the only thing I have to compare all this newness to. Because of the emotions, I am remiss to admit I did not enjoy the kiss and stewed over it all as we drove to the area he lived. I tried to put words to the feelings I was having, but as the hours past that we talked and held hands, the same feeling of wanting to pull away was present every time he tried to initiate anything more. Quite simply, I wasn't comfortable. However, at this point and time I had no idea why I was so uneasy, expecting only to start over and to finally move on.
the baptism was beautiful and the spirit was strong, there was no doubting the choice being made or why I needed to be there. The bishop had prepared a talk directed specifically for Matt, but many of the words he spoke resonated within me as he declared there would be many new opportunities and changes ahead and they would cause fear and confusion, but these changes were only good, and to go with them as they were prepared to be put in our path. I realized the fear I had been carrying with me, hidden deep beneath all the excitement, dating was scary and especially now. For the last ten years I had always had the title of either wife or mother attached to me and for the first time in a decade, I didn't have any of those responsibilities to stabilize or anchor me and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I was floundering without a purpose or identity. It surprised me as I have been working so hard on building myself up and learning to love myself and achieve goals, start over, etc, but when put in a real situation in which it was needed to rely upon, I felt like I was greatly lacking.
The next day after church and Matt receiving the Holy Ghost we went to a nearby lake where we sat and talked and I was finally able to put into words all the distance, stress, and confusion I had been feeling. He was more than accepting and understand and made it clear that first and foremost he was my best friend. so I sat there with my best friend and rambled on for hours about my inner turmoil, memories of Josh, and the extreme sadness at not being with my children. I felt like I was finally able to cleanse the fog in my head and was validated as to what I was saying. I also became painfully aware of all the strings I still have to cut before I am ready to the fierce, sexy, jump in with two feet single woman I so desperately want to be. But I was loyal and committed to the very end and it was something I was in the mind set to do for eternity, so how do you just turn that off? How, after fighting for something for 10 years, do you finally cut it all off and just let go? I shared these words and cried, apologizing for still being broken and was hugged and assured all this was natural, it would take time.
The next day was the day I left and after having talked I was well aware I need things little and slow. Hand holding, pecks, little touches. because I am still skittish. How do I give a heart away to anyone when it still has holes in it? This weekend was very much an eye opener as to where I was at and what I need. It gave me the much needed break I so desperately needed as well as the need to separate myself more from the title of mom I carry so closely with me as a definer of who I am. Don't get me wrong, I am a mother, but that isn't all I am and I need to find who I am more fully as I learn to cut the last strings tying me to the last ten years of hurt and disappointment. Although I am scared, I am still excited to date Matt and other men and hope to find fun, adventure, understanding, hope, love and genuine friendship. Although this weekend wasn't everything I thought it would be, it was exactly what I needed as I date again in finding who I am and as I interact with different people.
So upon arriving in TX Matt took me in a hug and greeted me with a peck and then a kiss. Talk about a shock. I was not prepared for the thoughts and emotions I had. Naively, I went out there thinking I could be a normal single woman without taking into account my past. Because as soon as his lips were on mine, I realized it had been 10 years since I had kissed anyone except for Josh. So here I am with a start over kiss and in the back of my mind Josh is still there, reminding me how long it has been, giving me the only thing I have to compare all this newness to. Because of the emotions, I am remiss to admit I did not enjoy the kiss and stewed over it all as we drove to the area he lived. I tried to put words to the feelings I was having, but as the hours past that we talked and held hands, the same feeling of wanting to pull away was present every time he tried to initiate anything more. Quite simply, I wasn't comfortable. However, at this point and time I had no idea why I was so uneasy, expecting only to start over and to finally move on.
the baptism was beautiful and the spirit was strong, there was no doubting the choice being made or why I needed to be there. The bishop had prepared a talk directed specifically for Matt, but many of the words he spoke resonated within me as he declared there would be many new opportunities and changes ahead and they would cause fear and confusion, but these changes were only good, and to go with them as they were prepared to be put in our path. I realized the fear I had been carrying with me, hidden deep beneath all the excitement, dating was scary and especially now. For the last ten years I had always had the title of either wife or mother attached to me and for the first time in a decade, I didn't have any of those responsibilities to stabilize or anchor me and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I was floundering without a purpose or identity. It surprised me as I have been working so hard on building myself up and learning to love myself and achieve goals, start over, etc, but when put in a real situation in which it was needed to rely upon, I felt like I was greatly lacking.
The next day after church and Matt receiving the Holy Ghost we went to a nearby lake where we sat and talked and I was finally able to put into words all the distance, stress, and confusion I had been feeling. He was more than accepting and understand and made it clear that first and foremost he was my best friend. so I sat there with my best friend and rambled on for hours about my inner turmoil, memories of Josh, and the extreme sadness at not being with my children. I felt like I was finally able to cleanse the fog in my head and was validated as to what I was saying. I also became painfully aware of all the strings I still have to cut before I am ready to the fierce, sexy, jump in with two feet single woman I so desperately want to be. But I was loyal and committed to the very end and it was something I was in the mind set to do for eternity, so how do you just turn that off? How, after fighting for something for 10 years, do you finally cut it all off and just let go? I shared these words and cried, apologizing for still being broken and was hugged and assured all this was natural, it would take time.
The next day was the day I left and after having talked I was well aware I need things little and slow. Hand holding, pecks, little touches. because I am still skittish. How do I give a heart away to anyone when it still has holes in it? This weekend was very much an eye opener as to where I was at and what I need. It gave me the much needed break I so desperately needed as well as the need to separate myself more from the title of mom I carry so closely with me as a definer of who I am. Don't get me wrong, I am a mother, but that isn't all I am and I need to find who I am more fully as I learn to cut the last strings tying me to the last ten years of hurt and disappointment. Although I am scared, I am still excited to date Matt and other men and hope to find fun, adventure, understanding, hope, love and genuine friendship. Although this weekend wasn't everything I thought it would be, it was exactly what I needed as I date again in finding who I am and as I interact with different people.
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