weekend

So as you all know, I just spent the last three days in TX visiting a friend who was getting baptized, as well as someone I would like to date.  I have to admit I looked forward to this trip with a lot of anticipation, counting down the days until I was divorced, so that I could finally start over. To give perspective and a time frame here it is: Josh and I began having problems when he retuned home from Afghanistan (3 1/2 years ago).  Just after the fire I found out about his leaving the church and his emotional affair with Tasha (just over 2 years ago) I found out about Josh's physilcal affair in September (8 months ago) so as you can see this was no quick process where I was just expected to cut all ties; it is something I have literally been trying to do for years now and thought I had accomplished slowly overtime as Cherish 2.0 has come to fruition.  Now I have no intention of jumping into anything serious, but had been hoping and dreaming for a long while of jumping in feet first into the single, dating life. (yes, I know all of this is just a long prequel to this:)
So upon arriving in TX Matt took me in a hug and greeted me with a peck and then a kiss. Talk about a shock.  I was not prepared for the thoughts and emotions I had.  Naively, I went out there thinking I could be a normal single woman without taking into account my past.  Because as soon as his lips were on mine, I realized it had been 10 years since I had kissed anyone except for Josh. So here I am with a start over kiss and in the back of my mind Josh is still there, reminding me how long it has been, giving me the only thing I have to compare all this newness to.  Because of the emotions, I am remiss to admit I did not enjoy the kiss and stewed over it all as we drove to the area he lived. I tried to put words to the feelings I was having, but as the hours past that we talked and held hands, the same feeling of wanting to pull away was present every time he tried to initiate anything more.  Quite simply, I wasn't comfortable.  However, at this point and time I had no idea why I was so uneasy, expecting only to start over and to finally move on.
the baptism was beautiful and the spirit was strong, there was no doubting the choice being made or why I needed to be there.  The bishop had prepared a talk directed specifically for Matt, but many of the words he spoke resonated within me as he declared there would be many new opportunities and changes ahead and they would cause fear and confusion, but these changes were only good, and to go with them as they were prepared to be put in our path.  I realized the fear I had been carrying with me, hidden deep beneath all the excitement, dating was scary and especially now.  For the last ten years I had always had the title of either wife or mother attached to me and for the first time in a decade, I didn't have any of those responsibilities to stabilize or anchor me and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I felt like I was floundering without a purpose or identity.  It surprised me as I have been working so hard on building myself up and learning to love myself and achieve goals, start over, etc, but when put in a real situation in which it was needed to rely upon, I felt like I was greatly lacking.
The next day after church and Matt receiving the Holy Ghost we went to a nearby lake where we sat and talked and I was finally able to put into words all the distance, stress, and confusion I had been feeling.  He was more than accepting and understand and made it clear that first and foremost he was my best friend. so I sat there with my best friend and rambled on for hours about my inner turmoil, memories of Josh, and the extreme sadness at not being with my children.  I felt like I was finally able to cleanse the fog in my head and was validated as to what I was saying. I also became painfully aware of all the strings I still have to cut before I am ready to the fierce, sexy, jump in with two feet single woman I so desperately want to be.  But I was loyal and committed to the very end and it was something I was in the mind set to do for eternity, so how do you just turn that off?  How, after fighting for something for 10 years, do you finally cut it all off and just let go? I shared these words and cried, apologizing for still being broken and was hugged and assured all this was natural, it would take time.
The next day was the day I left and after having talked I was well aware I need things little and slow.  Hand holding, pecks, little touches.  because I am still skittish.  How do I give a heart away to anyone when it still has holes in it?  This weekend was very much an eye opener as to where I was at and what I need.  It gave me the much needed break I so desperately needed as well as the need to separate myself more from the title of mom I carry so closely with me as a definer of who I am.  Don't get me wrong, I am a mother, but that isn't all I am and I need to find who I am more fully as I learn to cut the last strings tying me to the last ten years of hurt and disappointment. Although I am scared, I am still excited to date Matt and other men and hope to find fun, adventure, understanding, hope, love and genuine friendship. Although this weekend wasn't everything I thought it would be, it was exactly what I needed as I date again in finding who I am and as I interact with different people.