Monday, July 21, 2014
29
Today was one of the better birthdays I have had in a while. It was simple laid back, and spent with those I care about and love. I am blessed to have friends and family who reach out and show their love for me. I think what I want to really write about tonight though isn't about getting older, but viewing the progress of my life within the last year. Last year, around this time is when Josh started his physical affair with Tasha. I had just started my cake decorating classes and my journey to weight loss. I was depressed and disheartened, but determined to find myself as I started focusing on me. Only a couple months later did I learn about the adultery which really propelled me into a more determined state of mind. If you couldn't tell, I have eased up on the gym and the self talk of building myself up as now viewing myself a year later, I am very happy with where I am at. Of course there are still things about myself I want to work on and will continue to do so, but it is nice to see myself, like myself and no longer worry about how other people view me as I just don't care. I know who I am and am blessed to finally be moving on. I spent my day with Matt and the kids and the sweet dedication and acts of kindness shown to me is a constant reminder of how life can be and a blessing as I remember the hurt and depression of so long ago. 28 was a tough year. It was hell and it sucked. 29 is hopeful and already happy, so Happy Birthday!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Mush Alert
I know I have been awful about posting lately. but you see all my free time goes to my boyfriend. Yup, that is correct, for those of you who missed the Facebook announcement, Matt and I are now officially monogamous. I know, this is in fact a little contradictory to my earlier post and it wasn't planned either. You see, Matt has been asking me for months for me to be his girlfriend, but fears and working on letting go of my past kept me hesitant although we clearly had a relationship worth getting serious over. One day Matt was over, giving me a long, close hug when he repeated his request again, "be my girlfriend" and before I even registered what he was saying, I somehow had already said yes. My response scared me, but at the same time, it felt right too. We talked about whether or not I felt I was ready for this and although my response was very unplanned, I decided it was the right response and I don't regret it at all. I have not felt this way in such a long time. I feel valued, loved, respected, and so much more. I have a best friend who knows me, loves me and spends every chance he can with me and my kids. I have hope, adventure and most important: a smile.
If you are like me you are probably asking yourselves, that is great, but what does it all mean? It means this: I like Matt enough to commit myself to him and this relationship as I see potential in him to be both a husband and a father to my kids. Does this mean we contemplating marriage? Yes, but that is long term. Right now we are happy to watch our relationship evolve as we find how all our pieces fit together. To be honest, this last week was a bit of an off week for us as we had a lot of miscommunication and confusion, but I am thankful to have had such a week as we learn of each other and how our lives can fit together.
I am still very scared, but to be honest with myself and with you, there is very real potential here. I am still slow and cautious, but my heart and impressions are guiding me along with my mind and I feel happy as I feel I am finally moving on in all the best ways. My kids are doing well and for the first time in a long time, I am proud of the mom I am and used to be before my world crumpled around me. I have victoriously built Cherish 2.0 and am blessed to have a worthy man cheer me on as reach for the goals in my life that are most important.
Really, what it all comes down to is this: I am falling in love slowly, one day at a time and the love is real and earned and proved true on both sides. I feel good and I am happy.
If you are like me you are probably asking yourselves, that is great, but what does it all mean? It means this: I like Matt enough to commit myself to him and this relationship as I see potential in him to be both a husband and a father to my kids. Does this mean we contemplating marriage? Yes, but that is long term. Right now we are happy to watch our relationship evolve as we find how all our pieces fit together. To be honest, this last week was a bit of an off week for us as we had a lot of miscommunication and confusion, but I am thankful to have had such a week as we learn of each other and how our lives can fit together.
I am still very scared, but to be honest with myself and with you, there is very real potential here. I am still slow and cautious, but my heart and impressions are guiding me along with my mind and I feel happy as I feel I am finally moving on in all the best ways. My kids are doing well and for the first time in a long time, I am proud of the mom I am and used to be before my world crumpled around me. I have victoriously built Cherish 2.0 and am blessed to have a worthy man cheer me on as reach for the goals in my life that are most important.
Really, what it all comes down to is this: I am falling in love slowly, one day at a time and the love is real and earned and proved true on both sides. I feel good and I am happy.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
To the Boy Who Said He Loved Me
To the boy who said he loved me,
For years I have carried you around. Your name in my head; your voice in my ears; your words in my heart. your struggles were my struggles, ad struggle we did. I built my life around you. I trusted you, even when I had ever reason not to, because I loved you. The way I saw it, you and I, were living life together; as one. I am now aware of all the secrets, all the deception, and all the un-truths. You said you loved me and I foolishly believed the love you had for me matched the depths of what I felt for you. I was wrong; that was my mistake.
All of this has been voiced before and I only post the redundant as history. The purpose of this letter is to tell you the things you don't know.
1. The children are doing well. You and I never talk anymore and although you see them here and there, I feel two to three hours a week isn't enough to glean their state of mind, so know things are improving. Your son still wakes up in the middle of the night, but he has the tools and ability to now deal with his night terrors. Your daughter is stubborn and active and to be honest, I see more and more of myself in her each passing day. I want you to know that I never speak about you in any negative capacity in front of them. I answer their questions as best I can honestly (age appropriate for their understanding of course) as best I can, but please recognize that I have withdrawn myself from your relationship with them.
2. Although I go through my own lows and times of reverie, and although I am still hurt at how you treated me, I do not hate you. I would like to think I have even gotten to the point where I can say I have forgiven you of the things that have been done to me by you. I have no need to hold onto the past, or the hurt. Despite the fact that I never received an apology (where you are truly sorrowful for what was done), I no longer require or hope for one. You were my husband; you aren't anymore; end of story.
3. I am moving on. For a long time I was angry, and struggled greatly with the fact that you moved on while we were still married, but that is gone. Not that you care, or need my permission, but move on. Try and be happy as that is exactly what I am doing. When we met and befriended Matt in GA, I never have foretold what is unfolding now. He was a friend to both of us, and for me it has developed into so much more. I am in no way trying to rub my relationship in your face, but rather reminding you to remember the good, honest person that he was and still is. Have faith in me (as I feel you have no reason to question that) that even in my personal relationships I still put the needs of my children first and foremost as they are my purpose and gift in this life, but I will find someone to take a place beside me to help me as I move on in raising our children to be hard working, thought provoking, intelligent, leaders.
I loved you with all of my heart and had given it all to you, but that responsibility for you is gone and I hope what remains between us can be our mutual love, respect, and desire for the best in regards to the children. So, to the boy who said he loved me, I loved you too, but we never really loved the same, or together. We were blind in the desire of having our needs met.
I sincerely wish you all the best,
Me
For years I have carried you around. Your name in my head; your voice in my ears; your words in my heart. your struggles were my struggles, ad struggle we did. I built my life around you. I trusted you, even when I had ever reason not to, because I loved you. The way I saw it, you and I, were living life together; as one. I am now aware of all the secrets, all the deception, and all the un-truths. You said you loved me and I foolishly believed the love you had for me matched the depths of what I felt for you. I was wrong; that was my mistake.
All of this has been voiced before and I only post the redundant as history. The purpose of this letter is to tell you the things you don't know.
1. The children are doing well. You and I never talk anymore and although you see them here and there, I feel two to three hours a week isn't enough to glean their state of mind, so know things are improving. Your son still wakes up in the middle of the night, but he has the tools and ability to now deal with his night terrors. Your daughter is stubborn and active and to be honest, I see more and more of myself in her each passing day. I want you to know that I never speak about you in any negative capacity in front of them. I answer their questions as best I can honestly (age appropriate for their understanding of course) as best I can, but please recognize that I have withdrawn myself from your relationship with them.
2. Although I go through my own lows and times of reverie, and although I am still hurt at how you treated me, I do not hate you. I would like to think I have even gotten to the point where I can say I have forgiven you of the things that have been done to me by you. I have no need to hold onto the past, or the hurt. Despite the fact that I never received an apology (where you are truly sorrowful for what was done), I no longer require or hope for one. You were my husband; you aren't anymore; end of story.
3. I am moving on. For a long time I was angry, and struggled greatly with the fact that you moved on while we were still married, but that is gone. Not that you care, or need my permission, but move on. Try and be happy as that is exactly what I am doing. When we met and befriended Matt in GA, I never have foretold what is unfolding now. He was a friend to both of us, and for me it has developed into so much more. I am in no way trying to rub my relationship in your face, but rather reminding you to remember the good, honest person that he was and still is. Have faith in me (as I feel you have no reason to question that) that even in my personal relationships I still put the needs of my children first and foremost as they are my purpose and gift in this life, but I will find someone to take a place beside me to help me as I move on in raising our children to be hard working, thought provoking, intelligent, leaders.
I loved you with all of my heart and had given it all to you, but that responsibility for you is gone and I hope what remains between us can be our mutual love, respect, and desire for the best in regards to the children. So, to the boy who said he loved me, I loved you too, but we never really loved the same, or together. We were blind in the desire of having our needs met.
I sincerely wish you all the best,
Me
Thursday, July 3, 2014
coming clean
I realize it has been a while since I have posted about me and where I am at as I date again. I know last time I updated I informed everyone that I was dating both Brad and Matt and open to dating others as I adjusted to being single. I have officially been divorced for almost four months and have learned a lot about what I want, what my fears are and what I need to work on as to not involve my last relationship with that of a new one. I am no longer dating Brad as he is happily involved with someone else and have been spending copious amounts of time with Matt that while we have not entered the category of relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) we have become very close and I am not looking to date anyone else. The only reasons I am slow in accepting a relationship is recognizing where I am in my healing process. I have realized just how much faith and trust I have lost in all people due to the way I was treated in my marriage. I automatically find myself disbelieving what I am being told and expect people to constantly prove themselves to me with their actions, taking their words as very little. I know this is not fair and not a habit I want to enter a new relationship with. It has helped as Matt has been very understanding and open to lengthy discussions until we get to a point where we are both understood and both feel safe. I am very aware that I am scared to love again and while I know there will always be a part of me that is scared, I feel there is more I can work on to overcome the weaknesses before I enter into something I want to be strong. Am I putting off commitment because I am scared? Maybe. But at this point I am moving at the pace I am comfortable and have a great guy to be patient with me and support me in that so I am happy to say that Matt (lovingly referred to as my almost boyfriend) has great potential and I like where we are at and where we are heading.
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