Confession

After much talking and several therapy sessions my husband has decided that to move past everything he needs to own up to who he is and what he now believes while working on what was broken.  Today my husband came home very impressed with his colleagues as they expressed their concern for him when they heard of his counseling.  Although I am glad he has that support it really upset me because I feel we are in the situation we are due to his actions and told him as much and how I didn’t have a support group from my friends because I didn’t feel it was my right to disclose our dirty laundry.  I have to admit I was surprised when he suggested I share everything because I needed the support of others as well as allowing him to be accountable for his actions.  So this post is going to be a more in-depth description of what we are struggling with.  If you feel this is too personal then know you don’t need to read any further, but I am aware of who reads my blog and we both feel that this is the next step we need to take.  Having said all of this, if you feel in any way that you will either judge me or my husband, I advise you to stop reading.  I would love comments of support and love, but anything negative at this time will be deleted, the purpose is not to point blame, but to explain our situation as we try and repair our marriage and to gain the advice and support from those who might have gone through a similar situation.

It all started about two months ago when my husband and I were up late talking as is normal for us.  My husband stated that he was having an issue with some of the doctrine in our church.  I did not push the matter, but I thought long and hard on it.  I didn’t sleep well that night and was really concerned so I went over to a friend’s house to share with her some of my worry.  While telling her my fears I casually said that I believed my husband was behaving himself and so these questions he had must just simply be a test of his testimony.  For the couple of people who aren’t LDS, we believe in the word of wisdom which means we do not partake of any addictive or harmful substances.  This friend very kindly informed me that her husband had seen my husband at work several times smoking, which is something we have decided together we would not do.  This really worries me and made me wonder how long it had been going on.  This is something that although I don’t agree with I understand.  You see, my husband began smoking at the age of thirteen so giving it up was difficult, but I was always aware of the temptation that was there.  Plus I know he was more prone to give in to those temptations when he was depressed or stressed, seeing as he was both this bit of news didn’t surprise me greatly.  The very upsetting part was that I am aware of this temptation for him and for the last year since he got home from deployment have been asking how he was doing with it and if he had smoked.  Every single time he had told me no he had not smoked.  I recalled several days he smelled and even tasted of smoke and confronted him about it, but he always had an explanation and I felt ridiculous for having believed him despite the obvious conclusions.   I confronted my husband about it that night and although it took much prodding, I learned that he had begun smoking again while deployed and really hadn’t stopped since he had been home.  This meant that for the last year and a half my husband had been lying about choices.  He said it was because he didn’t want me to worry about him and because he knew I wouldn’t approve so it was easier to lie to me than to face my disappointment. 

Although this certainly didn’t help our relationship, I never wavered in my feeling or love for my husband.  After all within the last year my husband had been injured while deployed, we lost all of our belongings in a house fire and we suffered a miscarriage.  Although I did not agree with how he dealt with things and I certainly did not appreciate the lying I could still see how he had gotten himself into the situation he was in.  The next several nights we talked about what he wanted and we even went out and bought him an ecig. To help him quit seeing as it is an unhealthy habit and nothing we want to raise our son up around.

And then just a couple of days after this recent discovery the big blow to our marriage hit.  I am the frugal miser of the family so I have always been in charge of the budget and the bills.  So I was very startled when I saw our phone bill was $300 more than it should have been.  I began checking our call logs to see how we could have gone so far over our minutes when I noticed a number that kept reappearing on my husband’s phone line.  I asked him who the number belonged to and was surprised to find out it was an old girlfriend from high school.  I let him know was not okay with this and that I needed him to stop talking to her.  Obviously, if he was spending that much time on the phone with her there were huge gaps in our communication.  He agreed that he would stop talking to her and I was relieved and frustrated as I paid the very large bill.  Only a week later I was up at night unable to sleep and felt the need to look through my husband’s phone which we had talked about years before and agreed we were both free and open to check in on each other.  I was going through his text messages when I came across a picture message of his old girlfriend.  It was nothing inappropriate, but there is no reason a single woman should be sending a picture of herself to a married man.  I began checking his call log and saw once again that the phone conversations between them had not stopped or even slowed since he agreed he wouldn’t talk to her.  I was heartbroken.  What did this mean?  Once again I confronted my husband about it and asked if he had feelings for this girl.  He admitted that he did.  I asked him if he loved her.  He admitted that he did.  I asked if it had ever gotten sexual.  Knowing she lived in CO I knew nothing physical had happened but that didn’t mean it hadn’t gotten sexual.  He said that it had never gotten to that point.  He said he had not meant for feelings to develop but he would never take it any further than it had already gotten.  I let him know that seeing as he loved her I really did not want him talking to her again and that although nothing physical had happened this was still considered cheating and if I found out he had talked to her again then I would leave because I deserved better and he needed to choose between her and me.  He once again promised that he would never talk to her.  I asked how this had happened and why he was talking to her instead of me.  It was at this time that he confessed that he was more than just questioning the church; he no longer believed in it and he had started talking to this woman about it since he knew I would not agree with his decision.  Within a matter of a week and a half I felt as if I no longer knew my spouse anymore.

I was devastated how all this was happening, especially now that we are bringing another child into the world.  We both decided marriage counseling would be beneficial.  So far it has been a very slow process and what our homework was this week was for my husband to be honest and straight forward about what he wants and who he is because until that happens, we can’t solve anything.  Hence this very long blog.  Of course there is a lot more to all of this that I don’t want to get into yet as well as things that are sensitive so I would love and be open to all encouragement and solutions.  At this time I am trying to decide if I should see a counselor myself to help me work through my feelings and emotions, but I am unsure if this is necessary.  If you read this all the way through I love you all and appreciate your concern in our situation.  Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to work through this.