The scared awkward girl within

We should be finding out the gender of the baby in three to five weeks and I am so very excited for this.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I instantly had an attachment to the little life growing inside of me, but as soon as you find out the gender it is even more than just a nameless life.  It becomes your little boy or your little girl.  I also think this gives the spouse a chance to bond with the child by helping picking out names and giving them an opportunity to connect with the fetus I already know so well.  As we get closer to finding out I have had more and more people ask whether I am hoping for a boy or a girl and people are always surprised with my answer.  First of all I would be thrilled to have either and I know either way that child was always meant to be with our family, but in all honesty, I am hoping for another boy. 

Most assume since I have boy I would hope for a girl, but to be very honest, having a girl scares me.  I know there is a learning curve and the unknown and I know it is something I could learn, but whenever I think about having to raise a girl, the scared awkward girl within me awakens to voice my insecurities.  You see growing up I hated the fact that I was a girl.  I always wanted to play with the boys and found even at even the age of five or six I was attached to stereotypes and expectations.  I wasn’t allowed to storm the castle and save the princess because I was supposed to be the princess.  I didn’t want to be chased by the boys at recess so instead I helped them chase the girls, but this put me in a limbo for I was never one of the guys, but I was also never considered a girl either.  This took a more uncomfortable turn for the worse when I started developing quite quickly.  Sports became painful as my developing bosom grew and I hated the stupid contraction I was now required to wear daily called a bra.  My guy friends were quick to notice my changing features and once again I felt more cast off than ever.  Then the horror of my monthly “gift”.  The cramping and difficulty of using tampons horrified me as I realized despite my best efforts, I was a girl.  I didn’t know how to be a girl and never felt like one before with my bulky frame, long ratty hair and my general lack of concern for my appearance. 

Over the years I tried to grow into the role of female and girl, but I always felt awkward and self conscious of who I was.  It wasn’t until I met my husband that I finally felt comfortable to be who I was.  Aggressive, stubborn, athletic and when the mood struck seductive.  However, with recent events all these securities are sadly back in the forefront of my mind.  So then how could I raise a girl myself?  All the pain and emotions I never knew how to deal with.  All the hate and self loathing I experienced I fear could be reflected in myself for my children to pick up and I hate the thought of that.  Once again I know that should we be blessed with a girl such things will be taken a day at a time and I would learn much.  Just my thoughts of the night.