Modern Day Coliseum?

It surprises me how violent our media has become and how accepting of it we are; myself included.  The other night Josh and I were watching the popular TV drama Fringe and there was a part in the episode where a human was cut open, revealing all the gruesome insides that one only used to see in textbooks.  Later in the episode there was a scene where a lab rat dies, but it was implied as the rat ran under a white blanket and the red blood seeped through indicating its death.  Josh and I discussed how twisted it was that you can flip to almost any channel and see someone being shot, tortured, abused, dismantled, etc. but due to animal rights protection acts, you rarely find animal abuse advertised.  What does that say about us as a people when we are outraged at the death and mutilation of animals but we consider it entertainment when we mutilate and torture our own species?

This reminded me of another time Josh and I had talked when he asked if I thought a modern day coliseum could exist.  Sadly, I think it could.  I had brought up the Hunger Games book series and movies and reminded him how wildly popular they were when it was exactly that.  When we become okay with it in our minds, it is just another small step before we accept the actual practice, especially if we feel justified in it.  For example I could see it doing extremely well if it was set up so that those on death row, child molesters, etc were forced to fight to the death.  It becomes easier to justify their fight to the death and while I was arguing that a modern day coliseum could in fact exist, I was shocked.  Shocked with how everyday and complacent we have come to the violence that surrounds us and it is faulted on me and on you for letting it in our homes!

I can’t help but think of the outrage that was shown about the Boston bombing, as we should be outraged.  Yet, how many of those outraged individuals will see and enjoy seeing a movie this week that portrays bombing violence?  As you know I was in a serious car accident and even now it still bothers me watching car collisions on TV or in the movies as it brings back those horrible emotions and fear I have fought for so long. And I feel it numbs the public to what those experiences are really like, especially when we see such atrocities on a daily basis.  I guess the whole purpose of this post is just to express my surprise at how clever the advisory is at slowly snaking his way into our homes and our minds.  I do not feel violence should be entertainment and hope to take a firmer stand on what I let enter my home.

Thunderstorm

I don’t know what it is about a thunderstorm, but it seems to knock loose all the fears we store away as if the thundering booms awaken all our sleeping worries.  At least that is what happened to me in last night’s storm.  After comforting both of my children back to sleep with promises of safety I lie in my own bed wide awake hearing each new rumble and crash and fearing the worst in all aspects of my life.  I feared that the thunder was a return of the tornado warning we just had and imagined the horrific thought of what would happen should a cyclone choose to target our house.  I worried about my husband and the lies I was probably unaware of, fearing that now that I have decided not to give up and continue fighting, he would only disappoint me again leaving me to raise my two children on my own.  I feared that the friends I had were merely circumstantial and that in truth I was more alone than I accounted for.  I feared that the life I have had is easy compared to the life before me.  So I lie there in my bed fearing and feeling so alone, wishing that this life was finally over and that I could finally have peace that lasted longer than five minutes.  I wished that my heart would stop aching at all the hurt I feel and hurting for all the loss I have endured.  I wished for an end.  Then I felt a little silly.  Here I am 27 years old and cowering in a thunderstorm like my two year old.  I was disappointed in myself for letting Satan plant those fears and so I am fighting them or at least trying to as I write this out, but still my heart is heavy and I am sad, so sad. 

I fight my circumstances, I fight my temptations and depressions, I fight for my beliefs and I am sad that I have to fight so hard just to make it through a day.  I am sad that I never feel prepared to fight and that it scares me to do so, on a daily basis.  I am sad that many days I don’t feel strong enough to even wear the armor, let alone interact in battle. I am sad.

The thunder shakes the house and I startle again, but I stay as string as I can in case my two year old wakes up and needs comforting again.  I am sad, but I fight.

Never Enough Words

I was standing here folding laundry and I felt my mind slipping to the past, back when Josh and I were first married and I kept trying to put to words in my mind how that love used to feel and sadly, I kept coming short in trying to put words to the feelings and touches that once ignited so much emotion.  Can one even adequately put into words the rush of adrenaline and peace when your lover caresses your check with the back of his hand before he leans in to place his lips against yours?  Can one put into words the way your whole body responds to such a simple touch and how that one simple touch can keep you going all day, knowing you have the same thing to look forward to at night?  It just seemed that all my descriptions fall short of describing the safety, vulnerability, and intimacy of such emotions.  I guess you are wondering why it is so important to put words to this personal experience.  The answer is memory.  I need the words to adequately remember what love used to feel like, to remember what I once had, so as not to settle for anything less. 

My husband is making an effort, but it is one I must make to.  Now that he is finally trying to open up, wounds are fresh and it is painful all over again as we touch on sore subjects that has propelled us apart.  Due to this, I still feel emotions of anger, disgust, and rejection making his attempt to love me difficult at times as I struggle with these negative emotions conflicting in my head and I miss the love I used to have.  I miss the butterflies and excitements his touch ignited and I feel cold and deal inside when he now presses his lips against mine and I have to fight the feelings of revulsion and submission.  I feel bad that at times I feel this way, and I struggle everyday to feel and see the love we used to have.  I long for his touch and I long for his kisses and I am disappointed with myself when he pulls away and I feel just as empty as if the token he just gave me meant nothing.  Not to point finger, or place blame but due to his actions he did devalue the worth of some of these tokens, but I need to get over my hurt and pride in order to reestablish their worth.

Easier said than done.  As you know Josh was absent for a couple of weeks, which made me responsible for a lot more despite our respective roles and although I feel these are roles that should be met every day, I am now making a point to thank him for all the things I no longer have to do myself now that he has chosen to return to our relationship.  Small conscious decisions to try and put my feelings aside, and others needs first are what I hope will restore value.  As always, any input or advice is welcomed.

Coming to a head

The other night, after a very long day of watching my very rebellious kids by myself, Josh called.  He has now been out of the house over a week and went on describing how difficult this choice way.  This angered me as really the choice comes down to being what is best for me and the family or being what is best for himself.  Making this decision was difficult?  NO difficult is managing the entire house, bills, food, and kids all by myself, all the while waiting to see if my husband wanted to be a husband and a father.  I regret to inform I yelled.  For a good thirty minutes I yelled at him over the phone trying to highlight all the selfishness that has made my life so difficult.  And then I snapped.  I was tired of waiting around for his choice when time and time again it came to this.  If he couldn’t make a choice I would and I said as much.  I let him know that although he hadn’t told me his choice he had shown it to me as every single action he was making led towards divorce. I wanted a divorce.  I have done everything imaginable to try and save something he wasn’t willing to commit to, so I was done.  He solemnly replied that, that was not what he wanted and he would pray like hell for me to change my mind and that he would call me the next day when I was less upset.

I tried calling my father for counsel, but could not get hold of him.  I sank on my bed and cried to my Father in Heaven asking why I could not see my husband the way I used to because that is what I needed in order to keep fighting.  I asked him why, I hadn’t felt inclined one way or another to stay or leave because this is a choice I needed his guidance and help in making.  I cried that I felt so alone and needed his comfort.  I heaved as I sobbed and in my mind I felt the arms of my great grandmother around me telling me to try.  Stay and try again.

The next day Josh had still not made up his mind and despite my answer I was upset he still could not commit to me, so I persisted in the choice to leave him.  I told him as much and that I would start looking for someone to aid me in getting a divorce.  When I got off the phone though, my heart was softened and I recognized that even if I was unhappy in my marriage, my children needed the unit of the family.  I need to build my strength and continue my reliance in the Lord.  I read something along the lines of this: there are three people in my marriage, me, my husband and the Lord, so even if my husband isn’t trying, me and the Lord can hold the family together.  I thought about this long and hard as that’s exactly what I have been doing, but still felt I was falling short.  I still felt miserable and weak and alone.  However, once again I got the soft impression that this commitment and sacrifice is what my kids needed of me as they needed their father.  Especially as I looked at my son’s rebellious, stubborn, limit pushing personality I too felt the need that my kids needed the stability of both parents at home as well as the firm hand of a father to teach him.  Despite my problems with Josh, he is a great dad and even if he wasn’t sure if he should choose them, I knew my kids would choose him and that might just be part of what he needs to get outside of himself.

Josh came home that night and explained for the first time that the only reason he was having a hard time committing to us was because although he wanted to be that person he didn’t believe there was any hope of being that person as he had no hope and he didn’t want to give me empty promises, but he would do anything he could to keep me and the kids.  We then talked about starting where he is at and what we require and how we don’t expect things to be perfect at one.  I just need proof that he is trying.  Josh is now home, but sleeping on the couch and technically we still view it as being separated as he needs to show me that this time there are actions behind all the words.  I just feel like we have been in this spot so many times, but I am still fighting despite wanting to give up.  I just home Josh is finally fighting now too, but I need time to prove that one.  I guess there is still hope and that is where we are at.

As you know my husband and I have separated; however, I have hope that despite all the evidence, our marriage can still be repaired if only he were willing to work for it.  This means that besides family and the few of you who read my blog, no one is aware of what I am going through.  This was a difficult burden to keep to myself on Sunday in particular, and this is the reason I think explain it.  While walking the halls with my baby, or while sitting in the lounge, there were several people who while walking by themselves would offer the similar small talk which usually resulted in hey, how are you doing? Before they move on to a quick follow up on themselves.  Of course I never revealed my secret, but I feel a large part of the reason why, is because the people who asked about me asked only out of obligation and not out of concern or care. Don’t get me wrong, I still care for these people, even the ones I barley know and appreciate their efforts, but it made me reflect on my own life.  How many times have I asked about someone in a terse fashion in order to quickly make contact and move on?  I felt a little disappointed in myself as if I am making the effort to ask the question, I should make the same effort to really feel concern and wonder, I should give the same effort to connecting with the person and listening to what that person has to say.  As a society, we are taught to always be busy and we fill up our lives with appointments, entertainment and other seemingly necessary tasks.  I feel that because of this we make our social interactions less of a priority so as we can continue on, and in the end without realizing it, we alienate our fellow brothers and sisters.  Once again I was so ashamed to face that this is exactly what I do and yet I long for and appreciate the people who look me in the eye and show me the concern I fail to give others.   So in short, the next time you casually ask how a person is doing, I urge you to take just a little more time and be present when you ask and listen to the ansewer a=instead of making it a petty greeting in passing.

Update

Josh and I have been living apart since Wednesday.  Josh was kind enough to agree to stay somewhere else so that the kids and I could remain in the town home so that the kids could maintain their comfort and schedule.  Josh came over Saturday and Sunday to spend time with the kids and we have been talking, but it basically boils down to this.  There are needs I have that are non-negotiable.  If he cannot meet these needs then he needs to decide now so we can both move on.  The needs are as follow:

1.       You will not lie to me about ANYTHING. 

2.       You are required to spend 30 minutes every day in discussion with me. 

3.       One family prayer a day. 

4.       Date night every Friday night. 

5.       As always, smoking or drinking is not allowed in or around our home.   

6.       You will continue to go to church with me.   I am not asking you to believe, but to attend and help me with the kids and to set an example as you promised when we were married.  Sleeping in church is not permitted as it is disrespectful and rude. 

7.       You will make continue therapy

We then discussed how he felt he was giving up parts of himself to meet these needs.  However, he knew my needs before we were married.  I asked him when he proposed if this is what he wanted and who he was.  Never have I asked him to change for me. I am not even asking that of him now, I just need to know if he can or cannot.  He is now thinking on this and trying to make a choice.  He is also trying to come up with the things he needs and what makes him happy as he says at the moment he does not know. 

I hate that this is what our marriage has come to, but the separation I feel has been good for both of us.  Josh is experiencing a small portion of what life is like without coming home to a family and having the alone tome to himself in the evening to meditate and reflect.  It has been good for me in the sense that I no longer feel like I am living a lie.  The anger and hurt is lessoning and I feel a greater peace in my home as my focus is %100 on my children.  It is also good should things take a turn for the worst case scenario and we divorce, then I have this transition time where I am practicing being a single mom.

Next Step

Josh has known I have been planning in leaving and yet nothing has changed.  He still ignores me, saying very little and we go about our business only to do the same thing the next day.  He keeps promising change and keeps avoiding all work and feelings.  I laid out a couple of things that were necessary for my marriage that were non-negotiable and he hasn’t been able to meet these needs.  Therefore, I will not settle for less than what I deserve or what my values require.  Therefore after all the talk and chances, I have decided to leave with my two children.  I guess this means my husband and I are now separated and the ball as always is in his court.  He can either take action and make the change he has been promising or he can give up, but either way I will have the answer I have been waiting for, for all these long months.  I still love him, believe it or not, but I do not love the relationship or life we are living.  I am still hoping for some sort if miracle and radical turn around, but I am starting to prepare for the opposite.  I have tried it all, but there is no way to preserve a relationship that has no trust, equality, respect, or love.  No matter how much of these items I pour into the relationship, it matters not, unless he contributing as well then it is lost.  I can only hope that my marriage doesn’t have to end after only 6 ½ years, but I have nothing else to offer.  Prayers for strength and clarity would be appreciated.  I have appointments until the 19^th of this month, so I will be only an hour away at my uncles house to be able to meet these appointment and wait for my mom who offered to help me move back home.

Everything I own is in a suitcase and waiting next to the door.  The ONLY reason I am not gone is because I felt the spirit’s inclination to stay.  However, I am not that strong.  Today is the last chance (I know something I have said over and over again).  So much for hope of love once had; it seems pretty clear to me that any effort in loving me in merely fleeting.  There is no trust.  There is no respect.  There is no loyalty. At this point there isn’t even friendship.  This is not a relationship, let alone a functioning marriage.  I have no idea why I was prompted to stay when it is clear he has no desire to change.  Maybe it is my fear of raising two kids on my own that keeps me tethered.  Maybe it was a prompt to stay purely based on harm I would encounter last night.  So every day I pray, asking if today I can leave and if the answer is stay, I beg for strength and purpose over and over as I cannot face this rejection every day on my own! So pray for me; pray with me because I have all my belongings packed and next to the door ready to leave.