Coming to a head

The other night, after a very long day of watching my very rebellious kids by myself, Josh called.  He has now been out of the house over a week and went on describing how difficult this choice way.  This angered me as really the choice comes down to being what is best for me and the family or being what is best for himself.  Making this decision was difficult?  NO difficult is managing the entire house, bills, food, and kids all by myself, all the while waiting to see if my husband wanted to be a husband and a father.  I regret to inform I yelled.  For a good thirty minutes I yelled at him over the phone trying to highlight all the selfishness that has made my life so difficult.  And then I snapped.  I was tired of waiting around for his choice when time and time again it came to this.  If he couldn’t make a choice I would and I said as much.  I let him know that although he hadn’t told me his choice he had shown it to me as every single action he was making led towards divorce. I wanted a divorce.  I have done everything imaginable to try and save something he wasn’t willing to commit to, so I was done.  He solemnly replied that, that was not what he wanted and he would pray like hell for me to change my mind and that he would call me the next day when I was less upset.

I tried calling my father for counsel, but could not get hold of him.  I sank on my bed and cried to my Father in Heaven asking why I could not see my husband the way I used to because that is what I needed in order to keep fighting.  I asked him why, I hadn’t felt inclined one way or another to stay or leave because this is a choice I needed his guidance and help in making.  I cried that I felt so alone and needed his comfort.  I heaved as I sobbed and in my mind I felt the arms of my great grandmother around me telling me to try.  Stay and try again.

The next day Josh had still not made up his mind and despite my answer I was upset he still could not commit to me, so I persisted in the choice to leave him.  I told him as much and that I would start looking for someone to aid me in getting a divorce.  When I got off the phone though, my heart was softened and I recognized that even if I was unhappy in my marriage, my children needed the unit of the family.  I need to build my strength and continue my reliance in the Lord.  I read something along the lines of this: there are three people in my marriage, me, my husband and the Lord, so even if my husband isn’t trying, me and the Lord can hold the family together.  I thought about this long and hard as that’s exactly what I have been doing, but still felt I was falling short.  I still felt miserable and weak and alone.  However, once again I got the soft impression that this commitment and sacrifice is what my kids needed of me as they needed their father.  Especially as I looked at my son’s rebellious, stubborn, limit pushing personality I too felt the need that my kids needed the stability of both parents at home as well as the firm hand of a father to teach him.  Despite my problems with Josh, he is a great dad and even if he wasn’t sure if he should choose them, I knew my kids would choose him and that might just be part of what he needs to get outside of himself.

Josh came home that night and explained for the first time that the only reason he was having a hard time committing to us was because although he wanted to be that person he didn’t believe there was any hope of being that person as he had no hope and he didn’t want to give me empty promises, but he would do anything he could to keep me and the kids.  We then talked about starting where he is at and what we require and how we don’t expect things to be perfect at one.  I just need proof that he is trying.  Josh is now home, but sleeping on the couch and technically we still view it as being separated as he needs to show me that this time there are actions behind all the words.  I just feel like we have been in this spot so many times, but I am still fighting despite wanting to give up.  I just home Josh is finally fighting now too, but I need time to prove that one.  I guess there is still hope and that is where we are at.