Never Enough Words

I was standing here folding laundry and I felt my mind slipping to the past, back when Josh and I were first married and I kept trying to put to words in my mind how that love used to feel and sadly, I kept coming short in trying to put words to the feelings and touches that once ignited so much emotion.  Can one even adequately put into words the rush of adrenaline and peace when your lover caresses your check with the back of his hand before he leans in to place his lips against yours?  Can one put into words the way your whole body responds to such a simple touch and how that one simple touch can keep you going all day, knowing you have the same thing to look forward to at night?  It just seemed that all my descriptions fall short of describing the safety, vulnerability, and intimacy of such emotions.  I guess you are wondering why it is so important to put words to this personal experience.  The answer is memory.  I need the words to adequately remember what love used to feel like, to remember what I once had, so as not to settle for anything less. 

My husband is making an effort, but it is one I must make to.  Now that he is finally trying to open up, wounds are fresh and it is painful all over again as we touch on sore subjects that has propelled us apart.  Due to this, I still feel emotions of anger, disgust, and rejection making his attempt to love me difficult at times as I struggle with these negative emotions conflicting in my head and I miss the love I used to have.  I miss the butterflies and excitements his touch ignited and I feel cold and deal inside when he now presses his lips against mine and I have to fight the feelings of revulsion and submission.  I feel bad that at times I feel this way, and I struggle everyday to feel and see the love we used to have.  I long for his touch and I long for his kisses and I am disappointed with myself when he pulls away and I feel just as empty as if the token he just gave me meant nothing.  Not to point finger, or place blame but due to his actions he did devalue the worth of some of these tokens, but I need to get over my hurt and pride in order to reestablish their worth.

Easier said than done.  As you know Josh was absent for a couple of weeks, which made me responsible for a lot more despite our respective roles and although I feel these are roles that should be met every day, I am now making a point to thank him for all the things I no longer have to do myself now that he has chosen to return to our relationship.  Small conscious decisions to try and put my feelings aside, and others needs first are what I hope will restore value.  As always, any input or advice is welcomed.