Hardware

The last couple of days I have been struggling a lot with my decision to divorce Josh.  I feel that this is mostly due to the fact that now that I have had a little bit of rest and reprieve, I have strength left to fight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean this is something I should fight for as very little has changed.  It just hurts so much and is so hard to separate yourself from someone you still love very much, despite all the hurt they have caused. 

Nine years ago I had severe back surgery where four pounds of hardware were placed inside and alongside my spine to help support it, so that I could live life to the fullest, by the offered stability and motion it offered me while my body healed over time.  Now, nine years later, I still have all of that hardware although it has already done its function.  Technically it is no longer needed, but it will not be removed as the recovery from such an extraction is a long, hard process that would require recovery and physical therapy all over again.  Josh is the hardware.  For so long I relied on him to keep me up in life.  He supported me through collage and in my goals, but as I grew and progressed the needs he met, no longer applied.  Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say Josh is dead weight and offers me nothing, but at this point he has decided that his job with me is done and there is an extraction in process.  It hurts so deeply and I fear the recovery.  How am I supposed to live without something that for so long seemed to be such a part of me?

I continue to pray and search for strength and guidance as to which way the Lord wants me to go, but sometimes I doubt my thoughts and fear I am making a mistake I cannot fix.  Why can’t this answer be easy?  Why can’t I hate him and move on, or why can’t I feel hope that somehow it will all turn around?  So I pray and read the scriptures and pray some more that my mind and heart will be softened to the prompting of the spirit and that I may feel peace in the answers and thoughts that come to my mind.