The End

Every time Josh and I have gotten to the point where divorce was suggested, I always felt like there was still hope left, that there was still something to be tried.  This time however, is different because this time, I feel relief.  All these months I have been waiting and waiting for Josh to make a choice and last night sort of clinched it all together.  He made his choice through the actions he repeatedly takes and it is very clear we are on two separate paths.  He has tried to change, but since his heart is not in it, his actions have fallen short.  Beyond this even, is his admittance that he does not know how to be honest with me.  Although there is love, there is nothing for it to stand on.  I called my dad in tears seeking his guidance on what I should do.  His answer was simple and exactly right: “you know what to do.  You have been doing all that you can.  Only you know what the Lord and you have decided what is best for you and the kids.” And in that instance I knew.  Josh and I talked and talked and both agreed that this wasn’t going to work the way it was.  Josh was unwilling to change and I too was unwilling to sacrifice parts of me that I feel are integral to my very being.  I suggested divorce, and Josh agreed.  Unlike all the other times where I hoped there would be change or that it was not really over left my mind and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  I have tried for a year and a half to hold together and mend a relationship that didn’t really exist in the first place.  I hate that divorce is the answer for us, but I know in my heart it is the right answer.  I am still very scared of being a single mom and I feel the need to mourn for all that is lost, but I will move on.  I gave everything I have had into this and I wish the same had been reciprocated, but because of all my effort I at least walk away knowing I tried EVERYTHING.  I truly hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for because obviously me and the kids were not the satisfaction he needed.  I am blessed to have my children and hope to make known to them just what a blessing they are.  I am sad and heavy with my loss, but at the same time I am determined and at peace.