Comment

The other day I received a comment on one of my last posts where I lamented not knowing how Josh fell out of love with me.  The comment was from a church friend and seemed so obvious, and yet somehow I had missed it all along.  So thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me an answer that finally makes sense.  Basically what she had to say was this: Josh was in love when he felt the giddy excitement of a new romance and over time that feeling and the "honeymoon phase" wear off.  Rather than investing himself and sparking a lasting love as an adult would do; he allowed the giddy excitement to peter off and with it all feelings of love for me.  It was selfish and it was childish.  I always just assumed he loved me the same way I loved him and that is why I could never understand how you forget of "fall" out of love with someone.  I think it was exactly this.  Rather than committing himself to our love and our marriage he let it fade one the excitement wears off, and it does, so this finally makes sense to me.  I then started thinking when the giddy fell away for me or when and why I developed a love and I feel it was when I made the choice to fight for him.  I had never before stood in opposition of e my parents before Josh and when I realized the stance I was going to have to take, I thought it through.  I actively fought to be with him and that is not something I would have done over giddy excitement. It is very obvious that I loved me and my only regret is giving it so willingly to someone who did not deserve or respect it. Even though this answer did not come from Josh and I may be jumping to conclusions (although I doubt I am) I feel I finally have an answer and explanation that fits our story and makes sense to me.  Although this does not allow me to just erase it all from my memory and move on, I feel I finally got what I have been searching for and realizing his choices were his own and I shouldn't let his choices shadow my life with fear.   I still have a lot of fears and insecurities that will need constant validation and attention from whomever I end up with, but that I wont allow these insecurities or fears to hold me back or jade my future experiences as I have the opportunity to date men who are honest and deserving of my trust.