"wrok"

As many of you know I have a son who is eighteen months old.  Like most boys his age he is a go getter and the only time there is any lack of movement is the short period s he is passed out in sleep.  I love watching him explore as I can tell already he seems to figure things out very differently.  Anytime he gets a new toy, he examines it for about an hour as he tries to figure out where the buttons are and what they do.  He finds where the sounds come from and will flip the toy on all sides to see how it works best.  And then if I am lucky, he might actually play with the toy.  Unfortunately, usually once my kid has figured it all out, he is no longer interested in the toy.  This is why if you follow me on Facebook you will notice we have activity time galore.  These activities help spark that creative process and it gives him the stimulation he needs without having to tear up my house.  Well having just entered my second trimester, I just got over the big hump of nausea so as you can imagine, planning and then following through on activity times became more difficult when I kept having to run to the bathroom to purge myself.  Simple solution: going out for walks. 

My little man LOVES the outdoors and it’s easy enough to follow him around as he explores for himself.  During the last two or three walks, he seemed to have this gravitation to rock.  He would pick one up look at it very intently, carry it around and maybe try and lick before he got the “no, no that’s icky!” and then he would eventually throw the rock and go searching for a new one.  My son is at the age where he is learning quickly, so if you repeat a word enough times he tends to pick it up.  Well it only took twice before he would go around pick up a stone and say, “wrok.”   I thought it was adorable, that is until he seemed to have some sort of emotional connection with one.  Usually when we get back to the town home we discard whatever my little man is still carrying around.  When I tried to make him release the small little pebble he was carrying in his hand, he had a complete meltdown!  I figured there was no harm in bending the rule this time and allowed him to bring it in the house thinking I could throw it outside at naptime.

He never relinquished his hold on the rock and when nap time finally came with much fighting I made him finally put the rock down.  After I had seen his unexplainable attachment to it, I didn’t have the heart to discard his new found enjoyment.  Instead I placed it on the table and forgot about it.  After nap time, it happened to be the first thing he saw and once again he carted around saying, “wrok” over and over.  This has now gone on for three days!  Did I mention this “rock” is indeed a little pebble?  The kid goes crazy when we have to search for this stupid little thing.  We ended up losing it once and had to take him out for another walk where he quickly found a suitable replacement.  To think all these months of activities and toys and apparently all my kid needed all along was a rock!

Give this crazy pregnant lady her cheese!

When I was pregnant with my first child I craved Mexican food all the time, which at the time I never even considered a craving because in general Mexican food has always been a favorite of mine.  Well, with this pregnancy I can’t seem to get enough cheese.  I prefer cheese fries the best, but I don’t care how I get it, whether over noodles or chips or smothered on a burger, this crazy lady needs cheese.  Well after the positive and uplifting ultra sound I wanted Steak N Shake’s cheese fries.  Well for those of you who have ever gotten the cheese fries to go, you will sympathize with me when I tell you that they give you a tiny plastic cup (if you can call it that) with cheese to dip your fries in.  I can’t even make the cheese last through half my fries!  I took this in stride though and ordered extra cheese (which of course you have to pay for).  Well I was craving cheese so bad I get a total of three little cups of cheese and my husband starts to pull out of the parking lot on his way home when I demand he turn back.  Out of these three containers I paid .50 each for they had only filled the cups half full.  Typically I would just complain about it, but this crazy pregnant lady needed her cheese and how dare they try and rip me off for what I paid for.  I sent my husband in with the inadequate cups and was feeling pretty smug when he walked out with the original two he took in as well as an additional two.  Needless to say, I had my cheese craving fix.  Moral of the story: if I ask you for cheese, please don’t be skimpy about it J

Emotional Vomit!

Wow, what an emotional day!  I had my third ultra-sound today.  I was more than just a little anxious as we waited for the doctor.  This last November I was fourteen weeks and four days along when I went in for a doctor’s appointment and found out my baby no longer had a heart beat.  Today’s appointment I went in fourteen weeks and five days along.  The past kept tormenting me as it played over and over in my mind as I tried desperately to hope for the best.  As soon as I heard the heart beat a flood of relief flooded through me.  My sweet doctor was supportive and encouraging taking as many ultra sound pictures as I wanted to finally give me peace of mind.  As I looked at the ultra sound a new sense of reality hit me as I had once before held a baby this age that it was so much more than just the picture because I knew how big this baby was outside my womb, I knew how much this baby weighed, but this time, the baby is still growing.  What a blessed feeling to be a mother to feel and get to know the spirit we carry inside of us.  The worry and the relief left me exhausted, but my day was far from done.  You see lately my husband and I have been having some pretty major problems within our marriage, but we are seeking help through a marital counselor in hopes of repairing what has been lost and broken.  For me it is validating to have the therapist ask the same questions I have been trying to address, but the answers and realizations are painful.  I have comfort in knowing that I have always given all I can and will continue to do so, sigh.  Life gets really hard.  I remember one time I called my mom in tears after dealing with so much.  I said that most people don’t seems to go through the same trials and I know we are given what we can handle, but to me it seems as if all of my trials are these huge trials.  I mean how many people can say they endured a car accident that required two surgeries and four pounds of metal to be forever placed inside their back? How many people can say they had to do a year of recovery? How many people have been told they can’t have kids and then had their husband deployed during the pregnancy and first six months of their miracles life?  How many can say their husband was critically wounded half a world away while they were at home on bed rest?  How many people can say they lost everything they owned in a fire and then six days later lose the baby they were carrying?  And now to have to deal with the actions of my husband as I struggle to fight for my marriage as I carry another child seems to me more like a soap opera than it does a life.  (I hope I didn’t lose anyone in that pity party, but stick with me, the point is coming).  My sweet mom seemed to know exactly what to say as she reminded me that we were aware of the challenges we would face on Earth before me came down.  We understood that this was the time to make the most progression and some of us decided to take on more than others in hopes of mastering what we could in the short time we had.  My mom then continued as she compared it to a college degree.  Some people are happy with just their Bachelor degree while others continue on to their Master and even their Doctorate.  She smiles and said and Cherish, you are one of those who does one of those advanced programs where you do the master and the doctorate at once.  So BIG sigh.  I guess my homework is just hard right now, but it’s worth it to  be getting my degree.  Back to work I go then!

My thoughts at 9:18 PM

I am feeling sorry for myself tonight.  I just don’t know how to get all this yuck out of my heart and out of my head.  I feel over-burdened and heavy with trials I feel I don’t know how to carry.  I am frustrated.  Life has its ups and down right, a good year, a bad year.  When I have had three very difficult years in a row and I am wondering when I will get my chance to breathe before I am plunged once again under this strong current of tribulation!  But I know this thinking isn’t healthy and no once certainly wants to read about it, so let’s change gears.  I vow to be the strongest woman I know how to be.  I vow to be the best mother I know how to be as I learn to let go of feelings so that they won’t taint my time with my son.  I vow to be in the best health I can for myself and for the baby I am carrying.  I will also vow to try and understand my husband and try to see him as my Father in Heaven does.  Big sigh…I feel slightly less heavy.  I guess change does start with yourself.  I wonder then why I feel the need to sometime hold on to the anger I am feeling when it would be so much easier to let it go.  I wish I knew how to turn the other cheek, I wish I knew how to forgive to get rid of some of the hurt.  I wish I was someone else right now.  Goodness, there I go again feeling sorry.  Such a vicious sneaky cycle!  I think I am headed to bed to get as much sleep as I can so I can face my very emotional day tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

step back or break through?

It amazing how even though we feel we are over something, the emotions can still seep into reality and crush us in an instant.  For me this instant was last night.  As many of you know I miscarried my last pregnancy.  When the baby died inside of me I was fourteen weeks and two days.  I found out two days later.  Well yesterday I was fourteen weeks and two days along in my current pregnancy.  Needless to say the fear was debilitating and the sorrow crushing at remembering what I had lost just a short period ago.  Instead of being fourteen weeks I should have been thirty seven weeks along.  As awful as it all is, I still believe it was better for the child to pass, but last night I sat in my closet sobbing on the floor as I looked at the one and only picture I have of the son I lost.  His due date was to be May 13^th and I fear that the same debilitating feelings will overwhelm me again.  I feel guilty that I am still mourning although I have already been blessed with a new blessing.  I know all of this is natural and that my feelings are slightly irrational, but the guilt is still there.  Guilt too that I haven’t thought of baby Borland in weeks and I feel as if because of my new pregnancy I am already forgetting the child I lost.  The memories of holding the two ounce child in my hand as I examined his little arm with fingers and his little legs with toes.  He was too small to hug, so I sat there awkwardly with him in my hands as I took in my son. 

My husband found me in the closet racked with tears.  He sat on the floor next to me and cried with me as we looked at the beautiful gift we had for such a short time.  I know in my heart he is in a better place and will not have to live a life with a disability, so now I need to look forward to this new pregnancy.  I have enough love to give to all my children that I know I shouldn’t feel shame in loving the new miracle in our lives.  I am so blessed to have an ultra sound on Friday and if everything still looks good, I plan on announcing on Facebook our sweet announcement along with pictures of all three ultra sounds.  I am so blessed to have an eternal family!

Dorian locks me out of the house!

Yesterday my good friend asked me to babysit.  This was a big deal because her son is only seven months old and her being a first time mom she was, like me, very timid about people outside her family watching her child.  I was so honored that she felt comfortable having me watch him and it is always so fun for my son to have another little person around that I gladly jumped at the opportunity.  The boys played very well with one another and there was only a pause in play when my son had a poopie diaper and needed a change.  I live in an older complex that although things are pretty up to date it still has a stale smell in the air that accompanies all older building.  The smell is not bad at all but I prefer not to add poopie diaper to the already stale air.  We are blessed to have a dumper literally right outside the door, probably only 4-5 yard away at the most.  So I had just gotten in the habit of taking diapers straight out to the dumpster.  I put the child I was babysitting on the floor with a toy to occupy him for the 15-30 second I would be gone and ran out the door.  Right next to the door is a large window that goes from floor to ceiling.  My son LOVES this window and it common for him to watch me through the window, so when I was walking back to the door I thought nothing of the fact that my son was looking through the window at me.  That is until I tried to open the door and the handle would not turn.  You see my son has finally reached the height where he can get his hand around the door knob and although he is not capable of turning it he still likes to try.  Well I guess that while trying to open the door he ended up locking me out of the town home.  I pounded on the door hoping my son would somehow know how to unlock the door, but for him it was a new game and he pounded back on the door smiling the whole time.  Needless to say, my heart started beating a mile a minute.  I could see both kids perfectly well.  The child I was babysitting was lying on his tummy playing with toys while mine watched me.  I was stunned.  I was gone from the house for literally seconds.  I worried that my son might decide to try and ride the baby again while I was not there to stop him, or what if the small child somehow found something that he could choke on.  Fear flooded through me as I felt I would never be fit to babysit again.  Of course this worry flashed through me in only a matter of moments before I realized the office to my town homes had spare keys and it was just a minute away at a run.  So run I did, rushing into the office panting begging them for my spare key.  I rush back to the house just hoping both kids were in the same spots they were in when I left them.  Luckily they were.  I gave a sigh of relief as I fiddled with the door and unlocked it.  My son looks up and me smiling and says “hiiiiiiiiieee” I smile as best I can as I pick up the baby, grab my keys and bolt out the door to return the keys.  At this point I am just working of adrenaline.  I return the keys and run home, all the while my child is just watching me through the window in amusement.  I walk inside and collapse panting.  All energy leaves my body as I started thinking what would have happened if I might have had to wait for a locksmith or fire department.  So moral of the story: no matter how young your child is (because mine is only 18 months) if you step outside even for a second, take your keys with you!!!!!!!!

Fantasy atempt

              How had he missed her when he walked into the inn?  He never let his guard down so how come it was only now as she swept the floor behind his bench that that he was able to sense her power. 

              “More ale?” she asked as she leaned over the bench, pulling out a dirty worn cloth from the belt on her skirt and wiping the spot next to him.

              “No” he grunted a reply and watched through the corner of his eyes as she moved about the room trying to tidy the dump known as Morrow’s Inn.  Now that he was sure he could feel the power pulsing from her, it was if every other feeling in the room had disappeared.  He no longer felt the draft coming in through the uneven planking on the walls, or the hard wooden bench that had only just recently replaced his horse’s saddle.  He didn’t feel the rumble in his stomach from his sparse diet or the fresh cut on his arm from his last encounter.  All he could feel was the tingle of electricity in his mind as he felt her with his thoughts.  He wasn’t sure how practiced her powers were.  All who have the gift feel the force of it within them and eventually develop their skills, but it was a process and there was no way of knowing the extent to her potential.  He felt her eyes rise from her cleaning and meet his as if she heard his thoughts.  He grunted and turned away but he could still feel her smile on the back of his head.  The real question now was could she be a hindrance of a help?

              Toman stood with a plan.  He strode over to the Innkeeper.  He really didn’t enjoy using his powers of persuasion on the common rabble, but he needed to recruit and right now she was his only option.

              “I’ll pay a gold coin for the company of that lady in my bedroom this evening” Toman said with a slur, hoping it would hide his desperation for compliance.

              “Sorry sir, the lass is almost one of my own. Her Da died and asked I take her in.  I might be able to find you another wench for your pleasure though.”

              Toman had hoped the Inn keeper would just comply, but this at least showed him the girl hadn’t been bedded and mistreated before. He calmed his mind and opened himself up as he spoke again.  “I understand, but she is getting to be an adult by the looks of it, you saddled with her for life? I will give you three gold coins and I will take her from you.”  Toman could see the temptation the offer was for the shopkeeper, with his power he could convince a father to sell his own blood that he knew he would have his way as he continued, “Let me have her for the night and I promise you in the morning she will follow me willingly.  You will be all the richer and a promise fulfilled.”

              The Inn keeper nodded his agreement slowly.  “Aye, I will send her to your room soon with beverage.  You may do as you please then.”

              Toman turned on his heel and headed for his room feeling her tingle in his head as he passed by her on the way.  She might prove to be profitable yet, he thought.

***************

              “You’re to take this ale to the northeast room”

“I’ve never before taken ale to a room. Is he a special guest?” Bryella asked with a hope of excitement.

“Something of the sort.   Just treat him well and do as he asks.” He answered as he leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek.

Bryella took the mug and flashed him a smile.  As she started across the room she wondered what was so special about the guest she was taking drink to.  He had seemed common enough in his leather trousers and rough wool spun shirt.  She couldn’t help but notice his brooding eyes behind his long dark hair that covered half his face. She had though him fetching, but that hardly made him important; so what was different about him that she had missed?  His tall lean figure suggested he was used to a harder life, much like her, but once again that was more common than not anymore.  She couldn’t help but feel a flutter of excitement in her stomach as she approached his door.   Even though he still could not pinpoint it, she knew he was different.  She felt as if her heart reached out to him in recognition, a passing thought she has buried due to the silliness of the notion.  Yet, now that she stood at his door she felt apprehensive and vulnerable.  She raised her hand to know, but hesitated.  Not that it mattered as the door swung open to reveal the guest standing in front of her, taking up the space where the door had been.  Her eyes traveled over his body taking note of the dusty boots, worn clothing, muscular arms, and the sword strapped to his belt. It was his face However, what pulled her gaze as she stared into his eyes.  She shivered feeling as if he had looked right through her.  Before she could offer the drink in her hand she felt his grip on her wrist as he pulled her into his room and shut the door quickly behind him.  She felt like she was supposed to scream, but instead she was stunned into silence and watched as he paced the room.  Now that she was closer to him she was surprised to see how young he was.  He couldn’t be much older than she was, 18 maybe 19.  She had thought him to be a middle aged man at first by his rough, worn exterior.  He pulled out a pipe and stuffed it with tobacco puffing as he continued to pace.

“Your ale sir” she said hesitantly as she lifted the mug to him

“Put it on the table” he mumbled.

Bryella looked around the small alcove, called a room.  Besides a small dirty bed all the furniture present was a crate in the corner.  She strode over to it and placed the mug down.  She could feel his eyes on her back and it sent a tingle up her back.  She had never been alone in a bedroom with a man before.  As she felt his eyes on her she felt nervous and oddly elevated.

“Do you feel me?” Toman asked interrupting her thoughts.

“Sir?”

“When we were in the dining area could you feel my presence there?”

Bryella blushed at his reference.  She wasn’t sure what he was getting at, but it was hard to ignore the dark figure who kept casting his eyes at her.  Even now, how was she supposed to answer as he searched her face for a reaction and his eyes seemed to burn into hers?  He seemed to note her hesitance and continued.

“I felt you.  When you get close to me my mind starts buzzing.  Do you feel that?” He prodded.

“I feel you, but not in those words.”  How could she tell him her heart recognized him.  The idea sounded ridiculous to even her.

“I thought as much.” He replied as he sat down heavily on the bed. He drew in a long puff on his pipe and slowly exhaled, watching her through the smoke. “You have the power.”

“Power?” she questioned as she looked around the room for a place to sit.  Not finding any she leaned against the corner, which backed her into a wall but kept him in view in front of her.

“Yes.  Very few have it anymore.  Many suffocate it to death before it takes root with their upbringing while many others just weren’t blessed with the gift.  You however, seemed to have found it within yourself.  So what is your power?”

Bryella almost slid to the floor at the preposterous talk of powers like magic.  How had he confused her for a witch?  Stories of long ago talked of such powers raging throughout the land, but those were fantastical stories to entertain children, were they not?  These magical creatures were feared in the stories as others feared them for the potential imbalance in society.  What or who could stop those with powers from taking advantage of their situation?  In the stories the magic somehow was no longer passed down through birth lines and it dies out.  So even if the stories were more than just simple tales, surely it was not possible now.

“Nay, I have no powers”

“Ah, but you do.” He replied waving his hand as if to wave away her answer.  “You even use them or I would not have felt you.  Can you think of nothing that sets you apart from others?”

Bryella thought for a moment and she knew in her heart what he was replying to.  People called her intuitive because she was able to hear whispers of thoughts, but what he was talking about was simply impossible.  Yes, she was sensitive to other people’s emotions but that was hardly a power.

“No.  I can think of nothing.” She replied before continuing, “What is your power then if you could pick me out as you say you did.”

“You may know in time.”

Bryella did not appreciate the cryptic answer and the chores she had left to do before bedtime seemed more important than this conversation. 

“Well then goodnight to you sir.” She said as she began making her way for the door.  She hardly saw the movement out of the corner of her eye before she realized he was blocking her exit.

“No.  You see, I always get what I want and right now I want you.”

Bryella’s heart began pacing as she thought of what he could possibly want with her. She watched in silence as he took a step closer.  She felt the heat in his eyes as he gazed down on her and she could feel his want for her.  Oddly, the fear left her and she was filled with the same desire.  She wanted him to want her.

“Tell me” he whispered as he brushed her cheek lightly with his hand, “what do you feel when I touch you?”

Her heart just about jumped in her throat at his touch and she felt a weakness in her legs she couldn’t explain.

“You can’t tell me you don’t feel anything” he whispered as he lowered his face to hers, “I can see recognition in your eyes.”

The intensity of the emotions that flooded through her was staggering.  Lust, desire, anger, and inadequacy coursed through her.  Were these her feelings or his?  He once again stood to his full height and returned to his perch on the bed.  He sat and patted the spot next to him indicating what he required her to do.  The stubborn streak in her burned and she refused to be told what to do.  He was not her master.

“I will stand.” She said crossly as she folder her arms over her chest.  She watched as an amused smile crept over his face.  She watched him close his eyes for a moment before he stared intently at her.  They glared in each other’s eyes for a while when she noticed the amusement turned to astonishment. He refilled his pipe hastily and began filling the room with his smoke.

“Answer me” he seemed to plead “what did you feel?”

“I felt my heart beat loudly” she said quietly embarrassed.

“Your heart?” he asked surprised. “I can’t hardly hear my own thoughts my head buzzes so loudly.  The longer I am with you, the louder the buzz gets.  I can’t block you from my thoughts.”

Bryella blushed again at his comment for she took it as a compliment to her company.  Her feet ached and her point had been made that she sat down as far from him as she could on the bed.

“The best way for me to know the extent of your power requires touch, a sort of communications of powers.  Allow me to kiss you.” He seemed to command as he began leaning in. 

Bryella had once had a sweetheart, but his love had been shallow and he cared only for the appearance of being with her until something better came his way.  So although she had been kissed before her lips burned with regret, yet the appeal of the contact rooted her to her spot.  Her head spun in confusion until his lips brush lightly against her.  Her heart seemed to explode in her chest. She gasped for air, but only seemed to take in more of his kiss.  Her entire body seemed to come to life and she throbbed inside at his touch.  The feeling was intoxicating and even after he pulled away they both sat on the bed panting for breath.  It took a while for the throbbing inside her to quiet before she could even begin to process thoughts.  What she just felt could be nothing but magical.

“You surprised even me.” Toman said as he shook his head “Your potential is great.  Travel with me.  Let me teach you.”

“Follow you?  I don’t even know your name.  Plus I have obligations to keep here.  Although I must say your offer is tempting after that experience.”

“My name is Toman and if you come with me you will learn more about me, but right now my privacy is my protection.  I will keep you safe.  As for your obligations here, the inn keeper has already given me his blessing at your going with me; why else would he send you to a man’s room?”

Bryella processed all he said.  She did desire to learn anything that had to go along with what she just felt, but she felt heartbroken that her custody had been given over so easily.  Maybe the Inn wasn’t her spot in life after all.  Maybe she was meant for these great powers and promises Toman promised.  Maybe all along she had been meant for him.

********************

“Come.” Toman directed as he led her by her hand to the stables in the dark of night.

“I still don’t understand why we can’t sleep and leave in the morning” Bryella said as she allowed him to direct her along.

“Let’s just say the dark is kinder to us.”

Once again his cryptic answers were wearing on her need to make sense of things.  It certainly didn’t help reassure her of her choice to pick up and leave in the middle of the night with a man she hardly knew.  She had never done anything as impractical and spontaneous as this before and although the thrill allured her into the action her mind raced in warnings.  Yet the restless spirit that lay deep in her heart yearned for answers; answers she knew only Toman could give her.  Never before in her life had she felt as alive as she had as when their lips connected and that wasn’t something she was willing to readily turn from.

“Do you have a horse?” he asked as they approached the sable doors.

“No.  What need does a female and a waitress need with a horse?”  The question surprised her.  She knew how to ride, but it had been years since she had.  She had ridden her dad’s horse as sport as a child and suddenly the emotions of childhood flooded her as she remembered the wind in her hair and the feel of the horse’s muscled body beneath her bare legs, riding scandalously as she did in her dress.  The freedom of childhood washed over her and she realized that this adventure with Toman would give back that freedom she had lost to responsibility and heartache. 

Bryella watched as the stable boy and Toman talked in hushed voices and before she realized what was going on Toman was leading two horses out of the stable.  The flutter in Bryella’s chest began anew at the chance to ride again.  Toman had no idea how indebted to him she felt at the moment. As he helped her mount she could smell the hay and flesh of the horse and once again the happy emotions of her childhood seemed to take her over.  Her heart laughed in merriment and was only brought down to reality when she saw Toman’s serious gaze on her. 

“I don’t like my emotions being played with.” He commented as he saddled up and reared his horse close to hers.  “We won’t travel too far tonight to adjust you to riding a horse, but keep as close to me as you can.”  And with that he set his horse at a quick pace out of the stable and onto the road. 

Bryella’s excitement was replaced with resentment and sorrow.  The feelings were so overwhelming she understood enough that they were not her emotions, but instead she was feeling Toman.  It broke her heart to feel what he was carrying in his heart.  She wanted to know what made him feel so strongly.  What made him hurt so fully? She spurred the horse into movement and followed as close as she could, all the while trying to catch his motions as the slide around him like an aura.  However, the late hour and her being out of practice on a horse meant she had to focus on what was most important at the moment.  The mystery of Toman would just have to wait.

******************

Did she really not realize what she did?  She was more powerful than he had given her credit for, even after their shocking contact.  Never before had he felt so much force behind one person and to imagine she was lost out here in some forgotten town.  He shook his head letting the wind brush over him as he rode forward.  He could still feel her in his head every once in a while.  It took something strong to get inside his guards.  It irritated him at how easily it came to her, and without any sort of consequence either.  How was she able to imprint emotions on a person and not know she was doing so?  He would consider her a master of deception if it wasn’t for the innocence that spoke louder than any other attribute she possessed.  Innocence couldn’t be manipulated or faked.  She could certainly grow to be a great asset to him.  That was of course if he could control her.  The memory of her defiance to sit on the bed next to him stung deeply for he had used some of his persuasion to get his way as he always did, but for some reason it had not worked.  Was it a fluke or was she somehow immune to him?  That couldn’t possibly be it, could it?  Because she obviously had power over him although unlike others he was aware of her ability on and in him.  The way she muddled his mind and pulled memories to the surface he thought long buried concerned him.  What was she capable of?  Could her power be as adept as his own?

He noticed her slowed speed and the bobbing of her head.  He had hoped to have gotten further, but at the moment there was no need to push her past her body’s exhausted state.  He began looking for a comfortable place to camp and found a nice alcove of trees on higher ground not too far from the road they were traveling.  He pulled off and once they reached the tree line, he dismounted, stretching his legs.  Bryella stayed on her horse as he led both animals to a good grazing area.  He withdrew his saddlebags before he realized Bryella needed help dismounting.  He couldn’t help but grin at her inexperience and offered his arms for her to slide down into.  He felt her weight in his arms, but once again his head lit on fire with a hum as he helped her find her footing now that she was back on solid ground.  He couldn’t help but notice the way her legs sag and how she tenderly touched her bottom with her hands.  He let out a chuckle as he unsaddled the horses and tied them to a tree.  He could feel her eyes on him.  Was she trying to size him up or was she just mildly curious about the man who convinced her to leave what she called home?  He hoped that while they camped he would be able to ascertain more answers.  He planned on probing her further in hopes of seeing what sort of handle she had on her abilities and just exactly what that meant. 

He hurried through the set up of their little camp, almost excited to see what this girl possessed.  He watched as she walked over to the horses and allowed them to nuzzle her hand.  The smile on her face was compelling and he couldn’t help but think that she was just a child although she was in fact close in age to him, although it was obvious they lived two very separate and very different lives.  The smile that came to easily to her lips was something he lost long ago.  Now that he had her out here he felt slightly guilty.  There was no way she could continue on with him without losing that beauty herself.  But it was easy to let such dark thoughts go as he watched her small figure move about in exploration.  The long gold hair that fell to her waist was loose and coming out her braid, trying to hug her body as it escaped the restraints of the twists of her hair.  Her completion was fairer than most, most likely due to long hours inside the dirty inn.  He knew her muscled had to be screaming in exhaustion so it surprised him that she moved about as she did.  He could tell she had strength within her she wasn’t aware of.  It seemed there was a lot within her yet to be unlocked.  A sense of pride enveloped him as he thought of all the ways he could reveal her to herself.  Bryella looked up at him, making him uncomfortable as he realized she had caught him staring at her again.  He busied himself with a bed roll as she walked towards him.

“Here, eat this” he commanded as he gave her a fairly meager helping of dried meat and bread.  Bryella readily took the food and finished off quickly.

“Aren’t you going to eat too?” she asked as she realized he was instead stuffing his pipe with tobacco.

“No.  I don’t need much food.  You get used to a certain lifestyle and this one happens to be mine.” He replied as he leaned against a warm rock and took a long pull on his pipe.  The warm breeze blew his hair about his face carrying with it the scent of undisturbed foliage.  He took another long pull on his pipe adding a woody smell to the mix already in the air and he felt contented.  He felt comfortable out in the woods with no wondering eyes.  Out in the open where the wind and animals sang their repose.  He watched the effect it had on Bryella and he could sense that she was no far from sleep.  He hated to keep her up, but there was still much to find out.

“Come sit here next to me.” Toman admonished as he moved over a little that they might both use the large rock as a back rest.  He half expected an argument but she complied and sat down at his side.   “What were you thinking about back in the stables?”

“My childhood” Bryella answered curtly as she leaned her head back against the rock, exposing her face to the sun as it beat down in its glory at midday. 

“Think of those thoughts again.”  It took a moment, but it wasn’t too long before he had a feeling of happiness and giddiness creeping into his thoughts. “Enough”

Bryella blinked up at the sun before she rolled her head to the side to look at him.  She gazed intently at him, so he returned the stare.  What was she looking for?  He felt his own emotions fall back into place where they belonged.  Happiness was something he sought for, but it was a weakness and right now he could not be weak.  He could be happy when he was dead, knowing he had lived the life he did.  He felt the burdens of his solemn nature and was comfortable with what he knew.  He once again accounted it to what he had already been through as well as his purpose in completing his goal, but he couldn’t help question his resolve a little as she stared at him with her periwinkle sky eyes.

“You don’t have to hurt” she whispered as she leaned forward.  “Let me help.” He watched as she raised her hand and he thought about stopping her, but this is what he wanted to see wasn’t it?  He wanted to know the extent of her abilities.  He tried his best to place the magical guards in his mind that he had learned long ago to cast, but as soon as she stroked his forehead it was as if his slate has been wiped clean.  The hurt, the anger, the sorrow and even the retribution all seemed to fade into the background of his thoughts.  He felt light as she moved her fingers up and down his forehead as if trying to wash away the filth that lay inside. “Shhhhh” she cooed “just feel me.”  Feel her he did.  The humming seemed to be in the background with all his worry, all he could think, all he could see was her image right in front of him, glorious, and shamefully reminding him that despite everything he was still in fact a man.  It had been a while since he had any sort of pull at such desires and here she sat, willingly caressing his face.  Her eyes blinked open and he saw a blush rise to her cheeks as she lowered her hand, intertwining her fingers together in her lap and looking down at them like a child in trouble.

Toman tried to clear his mind, but everything but Bryella seemed to be foggy.  She had the power to clear minds.  This wasn’t anything Toman had ever encountered or expected.  What else was the minx capable of?  He watched her guilty look as her eyes slid up his body to meet his.  Her blush deepened but she kept her eyes locked on his.  Out of the fog in his mind came thought: kiss me. 

Mother

This last week has been very difficult with my kid being so sick, but I tell you there is nothing more fulfilling than being a mom.  Although the crying and clinging drains you emotionally there is nothing better than when they are better and they can refill you with the love you shared with them.  My son is finally feeling much better today and his happy smiles, hugs and kisses are more payment than I could have hoped for, seeing as mothers we never expect anything in return.  What a gift to be able to show children compassion to only have it returned when we are in need of it the most.  It makes me regret the times I was probably too quick tempered or frustrated rather than understanding.  Nothing on this Earth has taught me compassion more than my child has and I am so thankful for all that he has to teach me.  I am finding out that there is a lot I need to change or improve, but I love doing so knowing I am doing it with and for him.  How fast time flies with them, a cliché, but one for a reason.  I am so ecstatic to be adding to our family and to allow Dorian a new opportunity at growth as he becomes an older brother.  Come Monday I will officially be in my second trimester and although I still fear a miscarriage so far the pregnancy is going very well.  There are no signs of Down syndrome, which was the result of our last miscarriage so we are trying to remain positive that things will continue to progress and grow.  I would be so lost without my children.  I grew up always wanting to be a stay at home mom, but I never understood the blessings and the magnitude of the role until I have been called to fulfill my role as Mother.   So to all you other proud mommies out there, way to go!  I think you are all amazing and we are charged with bringing up these precious souls; how blessed are we!

Prayers for our Family

You never think it will happen to you; the car accident, the fire, the miscarriage, and now my marriage.  Like it all before I fight for what I know is true and I fight for what will make me better; stronger. My husband and I have decided to start seeing a marriage counselor.  I hope it will help clear those paths I didn’t realize were blocked.  I have also learned over and over again that for things to get better, they have to get hard first.  We have been through a lot so it makes since that we have both grown through it, I just hope we can now grow together.  I would love any positive feedback from anyone who has tried counseling.  As of right now I feel as if there isn’t anything for me to learn, I feel I have always been an open book and communicated both my needs and my feeling clearly.  However, I am also aware that I am far from perfect and probably could learn a thing or two despite my background with a psychologist mother.  I just felt like we were always headed in the same direction and I believe we can get to that point again, it has just been difficult.   I am trying to stay positive and I am continually fighting for my family because that is something worth more than anything else on this world.  I hope too that seeing a counselor will inspire my husband to finally seek the help he needs with the depression he faces.  I am no therapist, but I fear and even feel pretty certain that he is suffering from PTSD and it is this that started out separate growths.  Please pray for us because prayer is what touches the heart and calms the mind.  Love you all!

Last night was a rough night for me.   You see my husband and I are soul mates.  I really don’t believe there is anyone else for me or will there ever be.  Few people know how to love me the way I feel I require.  Yet, lately we have never been more at odds with one another and I feel so torn and broken.   I know every marriage goes through trials, but I feel so lost in all of this. Enough of this though, no one want to hear me gripe, but the lack of posts is due to my high emotional state that I want to make sure I have a clear state of mind before I go posting things to the internet. So instead let totally switch the subject to what matters most in my life: the Lord and my family.  With Easter being tomorrow it really brings to my attention the blessings of both in my life and how our Savior’s atonement made that all possible.  Don’t worry, I am not getting all preachy, just sharing where I am at to anyone who wants to know.

live like a Phoenix?

Today it hit me how old I am.  26, I know many would scoff and say that’s still young, but I was going through the files on my computer and came across my school work from collage and I had this longing to be back in college again, to write papers and reflect on who and what I am and who and what I am in relation to the world.  Then it hit me…I graduated college four years ago.  Four years doesn’t seem like that long ago until all the events that have reshaped me are taken into account.  In four years I have bought a house, moved across country for my husband’s job, moved back across country to sell the house, be told I couldn’t have children, join the Army, suffered a year without my husband due to training, get pregnant, suffered a year without my husband because of deployment, bed rest during pregnancy, husband injured while deployed, birth of my beautiful son making me a mother, dealing with PTSD, Losing everything we own in a fire, then the miscarriage of our second son.  I know, a long and maybe unnecessary list, but these are the things that have hardened, reshaped and refined me.  Why then this sense of nostalgia? I wouldn’t trade any of it to go back in time.  Maybe after the refiners fire I have been through I am needed to reassess my life to be content with who I am?  I have always had problems with self worth and for the first time in over a decade I know my role and my purpose and I am truly happy with whom I am.  Of course there are things to improve…patience, weight, time spent on the computer, etc. However, I am a wife and a mother and there is nothing more beautiful in my eyes.  There is a theory in gerontology call the live review process that tries to explain why the elderly seem to think commonly on their earlier years before they pass.  The theory is that this process is a means of coming to terms with the choices they have made to be at peace with themselves before they pass out of this world.  Now for the goofy part: I like to live my life like a phoenix.  I feel as if all these trials literally burn me out, but from the ash is born the new me.  I know, I know, this is getting cheesy, but stick with it a little while.  You see there have been major life altering events that basically are the point of no return.  After my car accident and after I had broken my back there was no way to return to the life I had previously known, not with all the changes and limitations, so instead I died and began anew.  After having just gotten over the fire and the miscarriage I feel as if my “new birth” is complete and I am gaining my footing trying to look over what I have become.  What colors in me have changed, what dreams remain, what scars are visible.  I know this is getting verbose and I feel as if I m only talking in circles, so I might as well end this, but I would love some feedback even if you are asserting that I am a crazy person!  You all are crazy yourselves for reading this!

Irrational?

Do you ever feel as if you are on the cusp of something great, but instead of moving forward you are stuck in the monotony of your life? I do sometimes.  I think the change of seasons inspire a restlessness in me.  When I smell the wetness in the air and the budding foliage I feel as if like in childhood, I should be running through the woods half clothed in my exploration for something new to me.  I have these flashbacks of emotions from childhood that grip my heart and encourage a reckless love for everything my adult self has squashed.  My routines seem more difficult when this nagging voice is requiring me to forget my responsibilities and find a river to dip my feet it.  Mind you the kiddy pool works as a substitute and I love my life, but does anyone else have that itch for something…irrational?