Emotional Vomit!

Wow, what an emotional day!  I had my third ultra-sound today.  I was more than just a little anxious as we waited for the doctor.  This last November I was fourteen weeks and four days along when I went in for a doctor’s appointment and found out my baby no longer had a heart beat.  Today’s appointment I went in fourteen weeks and five days along.  The past kept tormenting me as it played over and over in my mind as I tried desperately to hope for the best.  As soon as I heard the heart beat a flood of relief flooded through me.  My sweet doctor was supportive and encouraging taking as many ultra sound pictures as I wanted to finally give me peace of mind.  As I looked at the ultra sound a new sense of reality hit me as I had once before held a baby this age that it was so much more than just the picture because I knew how big this baby was outside my womb, I knew how much this baby weighed, but this time, the baby is still growing.  What a blessed feeling to be a mother to feel and get to know the spirit we carry inside of us.  The worry and the relief left me exhausted, but my day was far from done.  You see lately my husband and I have been having some pretty major problems within our marriage, but we are seeking help through a marital counselor in hopes of repairing what has been lost and broken.  For me it is validating to have the therapist ask the same questions I have been trying to address, but the answers and realizations are painful.  I have comfort in knowing that I have always given all I can and will continue to do so, sigh.  Life gets really hard.  I remember one time I called my mom in tears after dealing with so much.  I said that most people don’t seems to go through the same trials and I know we are given what we can handle, but to me it seems as if all of my trials are these huge trials.  I mean how many people can say they endured a car accident that required two surgeries and four pounds of metal to be forever placed inside their back? How many people can say they had to do a year of recovery? How many people have been told they can’t have kids and then had their husband deployed during the pregnancy and first six months of their miracles life?  How many can say their husband was critically wounded half a world away while they were at home on bed rest?  How many people can say they lost everything they owned in a fire and then six days later lose the baby they were carrying?  And now to have to deal with the actions of my husband as I struggle to fight for my marriage as I carry another child seems to me more like a soap opera than it does a life.  (I hope I didn’t lose anyone in that pity party, but stick with me, the point is coming).  My sweet mom seemed to know exactly what to say as she reminded me that we were aware of the challenges we would face on Earth before me came down.  We understood that this was the time to make the most progression and some of us decided to take on more than others in hopes of mastering what we could in the short time we had.  My mom then continued as she compared it to a college degree.  Some people are happy with just their Bachelor degree while others continue on to their Master and even their Doctorate.  She smiles and said and Cherish, you are one of those who does one of those advanced programs where you do the master and the doctorate at once.  So BIG sigh.  I guess my homework is just hard right now, but it’s worth it to  be getting my degree.  Back to work I go then!