Back to the beginning

I don’t know how it happened, but it seems Josh and I am right back where we started.  All the sudden he feels he has to revisit the choice of the Army or his family and once again I feel like I am not good enough for him.  He says with either way he will be giving up something and will be unhappy.  Why would I want him to stay and be a part of the family if he is going to be unhappy?    I am so sick of all the justifications and contradictions as he tries to navigate who he is and what he wants because he is a father and a husband so that selfish crap shouldn’t be an issue; his responsibilities should be what guides him to who and what he should want to have and become.  In his mind though, it just isn’t that simple.  I am so sick and exhausted of fighting for something he isn’t even sure he wants.  How long am I supposed to stay and put up with this when it seems like every month or so we are starting all over again?!  I just want to be loved.  I want my kids to be provided for and I don’t want to have to always be questioning if this is real or just another illusion.  I love my husband, but when he gets this way, I don’t want to be married to him.  I don’t deserve the way he treats me or makes me feel and I don’t deserve to be taken advantage of.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this crap when I am twenty six weeks pregnant with our second child!

When we got married he promised me so much.  He promised he would always love and care for me and would always strive to be the best person he could be.  He promised he would be a god fearing person who would keep peace and harmony in our home and I feel so stupid for believing this would be the case and I feel so betrayed because now I don’t have any of that.  I hate him for splitting up our family and I hate him for only thinking of him.  I guess divorce is still very much a possibility, but as always I have to wait and see what he wants. 

Romance Novels and the Societal View on Feminine Sexuality

Ok, this might be me getting on my feminist soap box, but read this through and hear me out.  It is a well known fact that men look at porn.  In fact, I would say there are only a rare few who have never viewed the filth.  I know it is a problem in many homes and to be honest and open it has been a problem in my home at one point in time.  There are always a myriad of excuses as to why a man feels justified in his dirty obsession.  Many friend I have talked with who have dealt with this issue always feel like they are the ones responsible for the husband’s betrayal.  Often times the women feel that if she would have been more willing to meet her husband’s needs as often as he required, the problem wouldn’t exist.  In today’s society woman are sexualized in almost every deed making us objects who entice sex but who are then portrayed as shrewd vixens who lock up our “goods” as if sex were abhorrent to us.  Sitcom after sitcom we see the female making excuses to get out of sex while the male tries to seduce, manipulate and entice.  I have never agreed with these stereotypical roles mostly because my relationship with my husband in this area is reversed and I assumed I was just different from the mainstream because stereotypes are often set off a precedent right?  However, with the new popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey I was curious what the hype was about and began reading the books. 

I was not aware these were romance novels and it intrigued me and made me think.  Romance novels are wide spread and highly popular among women of all ages and stages of life.  If women are meant to dislike and dissuade sex, then why are we buying so much of it written on the page?  Is society wrong about women’s sexual habits?  Is it because women’s needs aren’t being met sexually that they desire to get that fulfillment somewhere else?  Or is it because women wished they were the sexual sirens portrayed in these books?  If women are so tight minded and recluse about sex, why read about it?  Why make it the new social fad to not only read a book about sex, but a book about S and M sex?  I think the popularity of such books illustrates that society had painted our sexuality in the wrong light because obviously women enjoy sex and they enjoy reading and talking about it.  I feel that women feel they have to hide their enjoyment; otherwise they are labeled as a slut or a whore, whereas a male’s sexual exploits seem to propel him into adulthood and popularity.

I have to admit that I am not a big fan of the trilogy and to be honest I feel it is similar to what porn is for makes (replacing the other partner with a fantasy) but I hope its popularity will at least shed some light on the misconceptions plaguing women.

Boisterous bosoms

Again, let me emphasize my uncomfortable feeling of being a girl.  Don’t get me wrong, I now take great pride in my femininity and my role in motherhood, but as a young adolescent I hated that I was discriminated against when picked for sports because I was a girl, as if the word itself was derogatory.  However, I never let my gender restrict my goals or ambitions and if I wanted to be the best on the soccer field, etc, then gosh darn it that’s what I was going to do.

Then at the age of twelve I started my monthly “gift” and sports all the sudden were more difficult as I had to run through cramps and wear the horrible enforced contraption of bras and sports bras, yet still feeling the painful pull of each bounce as I ran.  I was what you would call an early bloomer and quite endowed compared to others my age.  My sister was envious, but I was furious.  For me it was just one more thing to set me apart as a girl. 

As you can see, my resentment for my large bosoms started off at an early age.  As a freshman in high school I was a C cup, as a senior I was already a D/DD.  However, the real hate for them developed after my car accident.  For those of you not aware, I broke my back and I now have four pounds of titanium in my spine.  It has been eight years since the accident, but back pain is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and as you can imagine two watermelons hanging off the front of me isn’t exactly back friendly.

After marriage I began to gain weight, and guess what, I gain weight first in my chest and it’s the last place I lose weight so my DD turned into a DDD (F) and then there is pregnancy.  All women are different.  Some never change cup size during pregnancy/nursing; some lose or gain cup sizes permanently after breastfeeding.  I gain size during breastfeeding and it takes a long time to lose the extra suppleness even after I wean.  I feel like that instead of being pregnant with one child I am having triplets with the three very large spheres hanging from my body!  When I nurse I have to buy my bras super expensive because I honestly reach a size I (I not L).  I hate these udders!  I feel it a blessing to breastfeed my children, don’t get me wrong, but I wish I had the average C cup!  I have talked this problem over and over with my husband and he has learned to see how much weight a size I breast filled with milk can be.  I swear I could cudgel someone to death with these swinging clubs!  I am too afraid to possibly damage something while I have children and I want the opportunity to breastfeed, but I have decided that as soon as I am done having children I am cutting these suckers off!  Not that we will be able to afford it…ha ha maybe I can do some sort of fundraiser.  Too bad it’s not like hair you can donate to cancer patients; otherwise some woman who had to lose her beloved womanhood would be well endowed with what I would be willing to offer.

Boys

As I have mentioned before, growing up I wished I was a boy.  I just never felt like a girl and I happened to relate a lot better to the boys as I played sports and generally was interested in the same things they were.  Even though puberty changed me emotionally and physically I always seemed to have more guy friends than I did girl friends.  To be honest, I never thought this would change.  After all I never seemed to have many female friends I could relate to other than a select few and grew to really cherish males as friends. However, something happened along the way.  In High school I had four male friends that I was very close to and each had a very special place in my heart.  They were the people I knew I could always count and depend on and I always knew I had a friend in these gentlemen.  Sadly, these relationships haven’t lasted the trial of time like I thought.  One friend gave me the cold shoulder after I married and hasn’t talked to me since.  Another is only there at random moments expecting more of my time and effort than he is willing to give.  I had recently written one about how I felt we no longer had a friendship and how he didn’t know me anymore and was never there for me and the reply I got was being unfriended on Facebook.  The last one I still consider a friend, but when we talk once ever year it’s hard to see the friendship we used to have.  Of course there are many others, but these were people I believed would be my friends for life and somehow the friendships have deteriorated because I was not meeting their needs in one way or another.   I can see how marriage and motherhood have changed me but that is no reason these men couldn’t make a friendship work.  In the end, I just wasn’t worth the time and the effort and although that stings, it has never bothered me before because I have always had my very best friend by my side, for what I thought was eternity.  However, with all the issues we have been going through I can’t help but feel like I somehow am just lacking again.  I know I am a good person and I don’t regret who I am, but I just thought I was done feeling like I just didn’t fit with that person or I just wasn’t what that person needed.  I know this is starting to get convoluted, but does anyone else ever feel this way with their own husband…as if you are being measured and somehow you just barely hit the mark?

I brought all these feelings and emotions up with my husband last night and he was very remorseful that he had made me feel that way and explained that to him it was the very opposite.  He feels like he isn’t good enough for me and that he doesn’t measure up therefore he felt the need to hide and lie about things he should have been honest with because he didn’t want me to see his weaknesses; he didn’t want me to think of him as anything less than he though I deserved.  This all sounds good and was a comfort to hear, but that doesn’t mean the hurt and rejection doesn’t still lie deep in my heart. 

I miss the friends I have lost because they were all very special to me, but I only have time and energy for one true friend and I only hope that he is willing to make this work because otherwise, what so I have?

relief

I was debating for a long time if I should cut my hair off or not.  I have been growing out for the last two years, but being pregnant through the hot TN summer months just did not sound appealing, especially since my hair doubles its thickness during pregnancy.  The last several months due to the extream heat and the high activity of chasing my 20 mo. around, I rarely do anything other than a ponytail or bun:

not very flattering as you can see for yourself. So I found a friend who cut hair and told her what I wanted and I am soooooo happy with the results!

I mean come on, how cute it the new style!  Every pregnant woman needs something to make her feel less gross and frumpy and this was just what I needed.  My head feel lighter, I have an easy upkeep style that will allow me to do a lot more with my hair and I feel young and flirty :)  Feeling good tonight!

Belated update

Someone pointed out that I never gave an update of Josh’s appointment.  To say it was a disappointment is a grave understatement.  His appointment was only with a physician’s assistant who after meeting with him twice (no more than an hour total) stated that he didn’t think my husband was bipolar because he didn’t exhibit the manic stages.  Of course this was based all on the little Josh told him.  To make matters worse this seemed to justify Josh that he didn’t have a problem which made him upset with me because he thought I was picking out flaws rather than pointing out symptoms.  My frustration was beyond words.  I let him know just how unsatisfied I was with the appointment and with him in his current state and that he needed to fight to be seen by a psychiatrist.  After a big argument and a slight breakthrough we reached an agreement: Josh would meet with the psychiatrist on post and if I feel he wasn’t given a fair analysis then we would look for someone off post who I feel would be more unbiased.  Josh’s appointment for the on post therapist is July 11^th; on his birthday.  So once again we are just waiting.

Amazing people

I am a realist and in many instances in my life I am sad to say, have taught me to distrust and be fairly critical of other people.  This negative and unfair view as humanity as a whole changed drastically after the fire.  Complete strangers reached out to us and gave us monetary and emotional support that surprised and impressed me and although there are still those people that make me shake my head and wonder what the world is coming to, I am sill happy to say that I am still continually touched and inspired by amazing people.  Today especially.  You see I have an acquaintance who I have only met a couple of times but have friended on Facebook.  This woman after several and I mean several years at failed attempts to conceive has decided to enter the world of foster parenthood.  First off, I think anyone who is willing to open their homes, hearts, and resources to these children are incredible, but this woman reaches a whole new level in my eyes.  First she went through the entire (difficult) process to be certified.  After months of paperwork and meetings and years of waiting to be the mother figure she was informed that she would have three kids placed in her care.  The kids’ ages are two weeks, fifteen months, and a three year old.  Here this woman has never had the chance of being a mom to suddenly being responsible for three children under the age of three.  I remember what an adjustment it was for me just dealing with my child when he was born and the shock and change that brought to my life and routine, let alone three children being added all at once and did I mention her husband deployed just days after she got the children.  So not only is this woman doing this all on her own, she is doing while dealing with the stresses and loss that comes during a deployment.  Not only has she taken the kids on, but everything that comes with them.  As I mentioned she never had children of her own so she doesn’t have the items necessary for everything the children required.  I donated what I could to her, but felt bad I wasn’t able to give more.

I was so impressed with this woman and her story that I was sharing it with one of my good friends who immediately started doing an inventory of what could be donated from her own personal stockpiles.  In one day she had a car load of items set up and ready to deliver to the new mom.  The generosity and compassion touches my heart and I can’t help but be thankful and grateful to have such amazing and inspiring people in my life.  Life is hard, really hard, and so when people are there to help us when it is needed most is the purest form of love I know.  I know these ladies have inspired me, so hopefully they can inspire you to pass on a good deed to someone in need.  (Warm fuzzies!)

Weekend

This weekend was very helpful.  I have to be honest and admit that I did not learn anything from the workshop, but I think it allowed both parties introspection that isn’t always achieved.  This introspection allowed for people to find their own short comings as they came to know themselves.  What was so great for me though was it allowed my husband and me one on one time we have been severely lacking in our relationship as of late.  We had time to talk about some of the more minor issues which allowed us to see the headway we can make and went out on a great date together.  We perused a Barnes and Noble, bought our first dress for our baby girl and then went to an amazing Tai restaurant for dinner.  Our son did so well with the child care they provided.  I don’t leave him very often and when I do it is with very few people who I trust so he doesn’t have a ton of experience in the day care setting, but my social butterfly thrived on it which gave both me and my husband peace of mind as we were able to fully focus on each other.  This by no means fixed or solved anything we have been dealing with, but it allowed us a change to begin the process needed to take the steps towards change and forgiveness.

Remembering

Last night I stumbled across pictures we took the day after the fire.  I didn’t expect the pictures to affect me the way they did.  I know it was a highly traumatic and emotional experience, but the pictures struck a chord inside me and it was as if I was walking into our burned home for the first time all over again.  It is amazing how vivid our minds remember things because just looking at the photo, I could feel the dirty ask and soot all over my body as we stirred it all up walking around the wreckage.  I could smell the acrid, smothering smell of the smoke that had seeped into everything that we owned and that clung to the wall and sat heavy in the air.  The reality of the moment was relived in just a simple visual reminder and I was surprised to feel tears falling down my face.  I began to recount our lives before the fire and after the fire and to me it seemed like a pretty tragic ending to a life I loved, ushering in a new stage that has already tried me more than I thought possible.  I was remorseful that I would never again have the life I had before the fire. I would never again have those items I lost, I would never again live in the apartment I had made a home, and I would never again have the same marriage I thought I had.  Needless to say, last night the lose stung me deeply.

Don’t worry though; this was not a step backwards where it was a pity party counting the ways I had been wronged.  Instead, it was a change to deal with some of those emotions that had to be stored up for later.  Oddly, I felt better afterwards and I wish I could say I was more hopeful about things to come, but at the moment one day at a time is all I can muster, which is a goal that I have been accomplishing, so I think that’s what I will stick with for the time being. On that note, our family will be participating in a marriage retreat put on by the Army this weekend and although I don’t expect to take a lot of knowledge from it, I hope it will only do us good, so I may not post for a few days.  Love all my readers!

:)

The reality of having a baby girl is starting to hit.  I am super excited and can’t wait to budget so we can go out and start buying a couple of outfits.  She is also moving around a ton and I feel her often.  There is nothing comparable to the excitement of feeling you baby move and kick within you.   After the miscarriage we were referred to a genetic counselor because they were worried one of us might carry an abnormal chromosome due to our family history.  We were sent all the way to Vanderbilt in Nashville for screenings and we are relieved to report that not only does neither of us carry and abnormal chromosome, but this pregnancy looks healthy and normal.  This has been such a blessing to us both and if my body permits, I might be able to have a normal pregnancy rather than a high risk one.  The only way my status would change back to high risk if like with my son, I begin labor months early again.  So fingers crossed!

Beauty

What makes me feel beautiful?  It seems like a simple question right, but for me it has always been a tough one to answer.  You see, since I hit puberty I have always struggled with my weight.  The rest of my family members have always been thin and fit and despite my constant exercise and involvement with sports I have always been the chunky one.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me and through most of my adolescent life I felt little to no self worth for myself.  Although it was never more than just the title, I began jumping through boyfriends hoping to find someone who could give me that self worth I was looking for.  I would enter all relationships with hope and excitement that fizzled out in a matter of weeks when I realized I felt unchanged.  How could I continue to call these boys boyfriends when I still felt the same as I did when I was just friends with them.  Of course, at the time I never realized this is what I was doing and broke many hearts in my search of finding someone who could fix me. 

Then I met Josh and for some reason I was instantly bonded to him.  I guess because his life was in greater disarray than mine I felt I was the help he needed, so I was finally able to abandon my own selfish quest to actually care for a person on a lever deeper than I had ever felt before.  The help he offered fueled his need for me and I got high off of his need, in return making me feel desired and adequate for the first time in my life, but the insecurities still devoured within.  I needed to feel beautiful, wanted, desired and sexy.  I wanted to be all the things media tells us women we should be, but I felt as though I would never accomplish such identifier, but as Josh and I continued in our marriage, I found this was no longer as important as it once was because I had someone to love me despite my flaws.  

Then there was an issue with pornography and all those insecurities I had begun to lock up flooded my life in cancerous venom that ate me up on the inside for months and even years until I was able to see the pornography for what it was: an addiction.  This by no means solved any of my issues, but I was willing to ignore them to focus on the issues at hand to repair what had been broken.  It was soon after this that I learned I had PCOS, which finally gave me the explanation of my weight struggles as well as other symptoms I had wrestled with for more than a decade.  It was a comfort to know that there was a medical explanation, but it didn’t take away the fears of always feeling like I would always be less than I should be.  However, to fully understand my relationship with my body you need to understand that the PCOS not only explained my weight, but it explained my infertility.  Not only was I prone to always be fat, I was told I would never conceive a child.  The depression that hit me was debilitating and the year long absence of my husband as he joined the Army left me alone once again with all the inner negativity, there was nothing that made me feel beautiful.

After three years of trying, a miracle happened and I became pregnant.  This body I hated housed my miracle and I began to love every bulge and change it experienced as I progressed in my pregnancy.  After my son was born I didn’t matter anymore.  My world revolved around my sweet little man who changed my life forever.  It wasn’t until my husband’s return from his yearlong deployment approached that I began to consider my physical appearance once again, but this time it was a very different mentality.  I was getting healthy not to lose weight, but to feel better and be a better mother and spouse.  Although I got nowhere close to my goal weight, I was comfortable with my progress.  This was all abandoned when I miscarried as I filled my empty heart with fatty foods and caffeine.  Then the issues with my husband began and the inadequacies hit me hard in the face again.  Why must we always feel like we aren’t good enough?  I was feeling especially big, sweaty and uncomfortable this last weekend but for me it wasn’t worth the effort to do anything about it.  The day of pictures though hit me hard and I dreaded what the lens would see, or even worse how I would see myself when the pictures were developed.  I sought help from my older sister who did my hair and makeup making a fuss over my appearance and that act of kindness made me feel beautiful.  I knew I was in had other than my own and felt she was more capable of making me presentable.  I know I will fight these insecurities the rest of my life as many of us will, but I feel it is important to remember what helps us keep focus and make us feel better.  He is my list of what makes me feel better; hopefully it can grow in time:

·       Having someone else do my hair, makeup, or nails.

·       A new outfit that slims me.

·       A passionate kiss that lets me know I am desired.

·       A scale that reads a lower number than what I am expecting.

·       A love note that touches on physical beauty (shallow I know, but it true)

·       When I walk into a room full of strangers and don’t feel the need to compare myself to anyone.

Count your blessings

The last couple of month s I have been feeling alone, betrayed and abandoned, but after spending a week away and with family I have seen how many people are there to support and love me during this time.  What a blessing it was to receive guidance and inspiration through my father as he laid his hands on my head and gave me a blessing that has re-inspired me in my choices and a new found need to renew things with my husband, which in part means I really need to get over this pride that is holding onto the hurt I have felt I unjustly deserved.  Instead of focusing on that I instead need to focus on how to bind with my husband so we are once again on the same page.  What a promise and a blessing to be reminded that no matter my husband’s choices, I will be blessed according to how I live my life, so let’s take the focus off of him and put it back on me because I have found several flaws and weaknesses that could use some work and strengthening.  So for any who care to read this very self- reflective post, here are my goals to try and work toward both short term and long term.

·       Keep prayer and scripture reading ever present in my home

·       Keep peace and love in my home because that is the only thing the advisory cannot replicate

·       Be an influence through personal example rather than through words.

·       Teach my children knowledge, scripture and love so that they have the foundation they need to make their own choices.

·       Fill my own cup so that I can fulfill me needs, in order to continue serving those around me.

I have been blessed with so much and I know that like the car accident, the fire and the miscarriage, I will be a better, a stronger and a more compassionate person for having gone through these times I feel I am at my weakest.  This week was just what I needed and I hope I can maintain this focus and I continue on.  So if you feel I get too negative or lose track of these goals, just remind me of my blessings, for I have nothing to feel sorry about.

kick

Josh got to feel the baby kick for the first time last night.  That was very exciting for both of us and it was nice to have that bonding moment.  I hope that solidified the realness of this pregnancy for him.  I know what a relief it is to me to feel movement.  The last day or so has gone pretty well.  Last night we began to outline our expectations.  For example, I will no longer expect Josh to read his scriptures or even believe in God, but since I am willing to compromise on National Guard or the Reserves Josh is willing to compromise coming to church with us on Sundays to help me out with the kids and if I plan Family home evenings he will participate with the kids.  I know we have a long way to go, but I feel like my husband actually sees us again.  Maybe the thought of actually losing us was the wakeup call he needed, but now I feel as if we are both trying to fix our marriage.

I won’t be posting for a couple of days since we will be attending a family reunion and I have never been so excited!  My entire family (immediate) will all be there so this will be the first time we have all been together in two years.  It will also be such a relief to have mom and dad there so if maybe for an hour or two I can feel like I am the one being taken care of and worry free.  I also can’t wait to show off my growing belly.  Hugs to  you all, the prayers have been blessing our lives and I can’t thank you enough!

anxious

I am starting to get anxious for my husband’s upcoming psych evaluation on Thursday.  Although the Army says that the mental stability of their soldiers is their number one priority, I feel that is only true to a certain degree. If you mention the word suicide, they are high risk and concern until the soldier says he is not at risk of suicide and then all the concern seems to dissipate.  Seeing as my husband at the moment is showing signs of 4/6 symptoms of suicide I am beyond frustrated that we have had to wait a week to even get in and see a doctor, and this doctor may not even be the right doctor for bipolar testing which means there is a high possibility we may have to wait for yet another appointment.  I just want what is best for my husband and not another list of excuses and justification that may result in a trained soldier being med boarded (which the Army is always more than reluctant to do with a soldier they value).  For brief moments I feel like the husband I married is still there, but there is so much hurt and fogginess clouding his eyes that it sometimes if hard to see the love I know he has for us.  I just want him back and I feel and am hoping that medication will help him stabilize the difficulties he is going through.  If anyone is bipolar or has someone close who suffers with this I would love any advice you have to offer because I want to support him, but that’s hard when he pushes me away.  Hope.  Hope.  Hope.

Keep Reading

I am so hurt and upset right now.  Never before have I felt so unwanted and unloved by the person I thought would love me forever.  The emotions and reality of all of this are catching up with me and my heart aches with worry and loneliness.  My entire marriage I have given nothing less than everything that I have and despite all my husband’s issues I feel as if I am the one who comes out lacking because he didn’t want me as much as he wanted other things.  Please don’t take this as wallowing or self pity or even lack of strength; it’s just a bleeding heart that is feeling the pangs of rejection.  I always thought I was enough; that I made him happy, but I guess I just wasn’t what he needed.  So can I be someone a person needs?  Can I be enough for someone other than my children?  I always thought that he was the only one who knew how to love me and in the end I feel as if that love has run out.  I don’t want to be a divorcee or a single mom to two.  I just want to be loved and taken care of.  I don’t want to let this jade me, but how can you not take it personal?  How can you not wonder if there is even a person out there in the world who knows how to love you?  How can you not be scared of rejection that makes you doubt your being?.........

While I was writing the above portion my husband was reading over my shoulder and watching my cry as I finally let out some of the pent up hurt.   He watched me cry and wrote for probably about half an hour before he joined me on the floor and began sobbing into my shoulder apologizing over and over for what he was doing.  He said he could never choose the Army over me.  He wasn’t willing to give up his wife and kids.  We sat in each other’s arms and cried for what we almost lost.  I told him of my feelings of betrayal while he described to me his mixed confused emotions of how he saw himself.  Although my husband feels the Army is still a large part of his life and doesn’t want to let it go, he is now willing to do so to try and focus on our marriage and our children.  I think we are both looking forward to answers as we continue to fight the Army to get the proper testing done that he needs.  As of right now he has an appointment scheduled for Thursday.  We both feel that his issues need to be fixed before we can begin to repair the damage between us.  We will still continue marriage counseling, but we both have a renewed hope now that we are both willing to make this work.  This really is an answer to prayers.

not much of an update

Tomorrow Josh tells me for sure whether or not he wants a divorce or if he is willing to continue to try and work on our marriage but after talking last night he let me know he was leaning more towards divorce.  So I am pretty confident that will be the outcome.  I will stay in TN until the baby is born since all my pregnancies are so high risk and I have a great doctor who is aware of everything that it wouldn’t be fair or comfortable to try and start over mid pregnancy with someone else.  Once Josh finally verbalized divorce is the option he wants then we will probably put in paper work for separation.  He will go live on post while I remain living here in Clarksville and at that point we can begin the process of separating bank accounts, titles, etc.  Plus, if Josh chooses divorce, being Army he will probably only see his children once, maybe twice a year that this time of separation will help me transition our son into the absence of his father.  After I deliver we will then file for divorce and start our lives over apart, living the separate lives I guess we have been trying to live together. 

Bipolar II

This morning I called my mom to let her know about the possible divorce.  Of course she was heartbroken and began asking questions.  My mom is only aware that Josh has a depression issue and post traumatic stress, but I had never before shared with her my concerns of the bipolar that runs in his family.  You see since we have been married both myself and my father in law have been trying to convince my husband that he should be tested seeing as he exhibits all the classic signs of bipolar depression.  So I was shocked when after about an hour of talking my mom instead of berating my husband as I thought she would, she paused and said that it sounded like my husband was bipolar.  I then voiced my concerns on the issue and how I have been begging him for years to be tested for it and shared some of the things he had shared with me the night before.  She said that she felt he sounded suicidal and that I might want to do more research on the subject.  I asked her if she thought that would be pointless seeing as at this point I wasn’t looking for much of a change in his actions or decisions.  She said that she thought there was a point because all the things I had been feeling so rejected and disheartened about sounded like symptoms rather than personality and if he refused to be tested then I should contact his superior officers to make sure he got the help that he needed.  To preface this a little, my mom is a psychologist and her calm concerned reaction took me back a little making me stop to re-assess this issue that has always been present in our marriage.

As soon as I got off the phone with her I found a great sight that gave me the information I was looking for (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm) My husband has always exhibited the signs of bipolar depression, but never the mania aspect of it and was comforted in knowing that there seemed to be an answer to all the things he was struggling with and that my husband very much fit the bipolar II.  I went through the checklist of symptoms and felt my husband fit 8/10 symptoms.  I then went through the signs of suicide was astonished and terrified that he fit 4/6 warning signs.  The reality of the situation hit me hard as I recounted the conversation I had had the night before where my husband admitted that he had thought about suicide more in the last two months than he had ever before.  Then the worry hit.  If my husband was willing to give up me and our children, suicide didn’t seem like impossibility.  I knew talking to him would do no good, it hasn’t for the last year plus and began calling members in the Family Readiness Group to try and get numbers for my husband’s SGTs.  I left a couple of messages and after about half an hour had received the number for his 1^st SGT.  I wrote out what I was going to say when I called and picked up my phone to make the call when my phone started ringing.  I guess word had spread faster than I had anticipated and was relieved when my husband called me to talk about my concerns and comfort me that although he admitted his depression was bad he never would consider following through with suicide.  I read to him the page I had found and he agreed to all the same symptoms I had felt he related with.  I also went over the signs of suicide and he agreed to showing those signs and although he had been thinking of suicide he would never do that to me and the kids.  We talked for about half an hour and his SGT even got on the phone to reassure me that she would make sure my husband got the help that he needed.  Josh then told me his plan of action was to read what I had found and would print off the symptoms and take them with him to his therapy session on Monday and ask to be tested for bipolar II. 

When my husband got home he read over the article and he admitted that he felt as if his symptoms did match bipolar II.  I asked him if he felt that maybe his feeling he had changed in the last year could be attributed to a long time low.  He admitted that it might be a possibility.  So this still does not solve anything but once again the issue has at least been addressed and I feel the people who need to be there to help and support him can be now.  I have a little bit of hope that all this selfishness and self destruction is all chemical and can be improved with medication, but I still feel as if things have reached a certain level that this won’t exactly change anything unless my husband decided he really wants me and the children, otherwise I feel as if things will still progress and I mentioned earlier, but here is hoping?

Divorce?

As you know I gave my husband a list of five things I needed to see improvement on before our next session to prove that he loved me and to show that our marriage was worth the little work I asked him to do.  He agreed to all the things on my list and he stated that he thought they were all fair.  Yesterday was our appointment and our deadline.  We began our session my sharing how these things were accomplished and it was very clear that only minimal effort was put in on the items that were worked on and there were a couple of items that hadn’t been attempted at all.  The therapist asked my husband if he had agreed to the terms and if he thought they were fair.  My husband replied that he thought they were fair at the time, but no longer thought so.  The therapist then asked why he changed his mind.  My husband responded that if I accepted who he was I shouldn’t expect him to complete the items on the list.  The therapist then asked my husband what it was that I was not accepting about him and he listed two items: that he was a soldier and that he was not a member of the church.  The therapist then made the observation that he felt (but could be wrong) that Josh was subconsciously and passively trying to sabotage our marriage because deep down it wasn’t what he wanted or he would make every effort to try and same it and the therapist felt he was giving a take it or leave it sort of attitude.  He broke down our session to the simplest terms by saying that it we didn’t seem to have anything to bind us together; we didn’t have a common goal or desire and we seemed to be going in two very separate directions and that the “hang ups” we kept stumbling upon were the church and the military.  He then said that he advocated for families to try and stay together, but if there wasn’t an agreeable compromise to the both of us then we would both be miserable and resentful.  He said we could both try and negotiate terms to make our marriage work and continue trying or if we were unable to compromise on what we needed then accept we no longer could make a marriage work and seek a divorce.

Essentially it was church against army.  I have always believed very strongly in my religion and it is more than just a religion, it is a way I live my life, but in the long term I would rather my children have an inactive father who doesn’t believe in God than to have them grow up without a father at all.  I am willing to compromise that if he is willing to compromise the Army because I can’t give up both.  Since my husband has left the church I no longer feel he is inspired, protected and in honest since he no longer holds the same values as me I do not trust him.  I just don’t see how we can make our marriage work if he stays in service.  I offered my husband my proposal, but he did not find it suitable.  I asked if he could think of any other compromise we would both be happy with.  He responded that he could not.  He then announced that he thought divorce was our only option.

We split ways for an hour or two so we could process the reality of what was said but upon returning home I brought up all the things that were still bothering me.  I demanded that he at least admitted that the Army was more important to him since that was what he had chosen.  He kept arguing that, that wasn’t the case.  I asked him to explain himself and he said that he felt like we would be better off on our own since he couldn’t be the husband we needed him to be.  I let him know that this argument didn’t make sense because it would be better for our children to have him for a father than no father at all.  He then went on to say that I deserved the chance to find a husband who did believe in the church.  It was at this point that I pretty much broke down and said to him I had no intention of dating.  How could I date with a toddler and a newborn?  Plus if he didn’t want me, what makes him think anyone else would with two children in tow?  How would it be better if I had to get a job to support our children, so they no longer had a dad or a stay at home mom?  How would it be better for them when I would have to move in with my parents and they wouldn’t be able to have a house or place to even call their own?  How would it be better for him to miss his children’s lives?  I told him that I felt his depression was once again talking and he needed to be very clear on what exactly he was saying and thinking before we made this permanent.  He said it was a hard decision and he knows it shouldn’t but he needed a couple days to decide over the Army or us.  I told him I would need to know before my family reunion because I would need the time away with my family to make plans if I needed to, so my husband has until Monday to decide what he wants in his life.  At this point I can’t help but prepare for the worst and I am trying not to get overwhelmed with plans of moving and divorcing while pregnant and with two little children.  I am not angry but I feel it is incredibly unfair, especially to my children and I feel it is all very selfish.  I love my children with all my heart and I have the support if my family as well as his, so I take comfort in knowing I have help through this trying time.  Please keep us in your prayers!