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I am so hurt and upset right now.  Never before have I felt so unwanted and unloved by the person I thought would love me forever.  The emotions and reality of all of this are catching up with me and my heart aches with worry and loneliness.  My entire marriage I have given nothing less than everything that I have and despite all my husband’s issues I feel as if I am the one who comes out lacking because he didn’t want me as much as he wanted other things.  Please don’t take this as wallowing or self pity or even lack of strength; it’s just a bleeding heart that is feeling the pangs of rejection.  I always thought I was enough; that I made him happy, but I guess I just wasn’t what he needed.  So can I be someone a person needs?  Can I be enough for someone other than my children?  I always thought that he was the only one who knew how to love me and in the end I feel as if that love has run out.  I don’t want to be a divorcee or a single mom to two.  I just want to be loved and taken care of.  I don’t want to let this jade me, but how can you not take it personal?  How can you not wonder if there is even a person out there in the world who knows how to love you?  How can you not be scared of rejection that makes you doubt your being?.........

While I was writing the above portion my husband was reading over my shoulder and watching my cry as I finally let out some of the pent up hurt.   He watched me cry and wrote for probably about half an hour before he joined me on the floor and began sobbing into my shoulder apologizing over and over for what he was doing.  He said he could never choose the Army over me.  He wasn’t willing to give up his wife and kids.  We sat in each other’s arms and cried for what we almost lost.  I told him of my feelings of betrayal while he described to me his mixed confused emotions of how he saw himself.  Although my husband feels the Army is still a large part of his life and doesn’t want to let it go, he is now willing to do so to try and focus on our marriage and our children.  I think we are both looking forward to answers as we continue to fight the Army to get the proper testing done that he needs.  As of right now he has an appointment scheduled for Thursday.  We both feel that his issues need to be fixed before we can begin to repair the damage between us.  We will still continue marriage counseling, but we both have a renewed hope now that we are both willing to make this work.  This really is an answer to prayers.