Boys

As I have mentioned before, growing up I wished I was a boy.  I just never felt like a girl and I happened to relate a lot better to the boys as I played sports and generally was interested in the same things they were.  Even though puberty changed me emotionally and physically I always seemed to have more guy friends than I did girl friends.  To be honest, I never thought this would change.  After all I never seemed to have many female friends I could relate to other than a select few and grew to really cherish males as friends. However, something happened along the way.  In High school I had four male friends that I was very close to and each had a very special place in my heart.  They were the people I knew I could always count and depend on and I always knew I had a friend in these gentlemen.  Sadly, these relationships haven’t lasted the trial of time like I thought.  One friend gave me the cold shoulder after I married and hasn’t talked to me since.  Another is only there at random moments expecting more of my time and effort than he is willing to give.  I had recently written one about how I felt we no longer had a friendship and how he didn’t know me anymore and was never there for me and the reply I got was being unfriended on Facebook.  The last one I still consider a friend, but when we talk once ever year it’s hard to see the friendship we used to have.  Of course there are many others, but these were people I believed would be my friends for life and somehow the friendships have deteriorated because I was not meeting their needs in one way or another.   I can see how marriage and motherhood have changed me but that is no reason these men couldn’t make a friendship work.  In the end, I just wasn’t worth the time and the effort and although that stings, it has never bothered me before because I have always had my very best friend by my side, for what I thought was eternity.  However, with all the issues we have been going through I can’t help but feel like I somehow am just lacking again.  I know I am a good person and I don’t regret who I am, but I just thought I was done feeling like I just didn’t fit with that person or I just wasn’t what that person needed.  I know this is starting to get convoluted, but does anyone else ever feel this way with their own husband…as if you are being measured and somehow you just barely hit the mark?

I brought all these feelings and emotions up with my husband last night and he was very remorseful that he had made me feel that way and explained that to him it was the very opposite.  He feels like he isn’t good enough for me and that he doesn’t measure up therefore he felt the need to hide and lie about things he should have been honest with because he didn’t want me to see his weaknesses; he didn’t want me to think of him as anything less than he though I deserved.  This all sounds good and was a comfort to hear, but that doesn’t mean the hurt and rejection doesn’t still lie deep in my heart. 

I miss the friends I have lost because they were all very special to me, but I only have time and energy for one true friend and I only hope that he is willing to make this work because otherwise, what so I have?