Although we are still waiting to see if the insurance company will accept the breast reduction as medically necessary (which I really don't see how they could deny it) the date for the reduction has been scheduled: December 26th! Merry Christmas to me! What does this mean? This means I will have a pair of breasts that are finally proportionate with the rest of my body. This means I will have relief with my back pain. I will be more mobile and will no longer have to buy bras online only as that is the only place I can find them large enough. It means I no longer have to be self conscious about how one breast is still larger than my one year old daughter's head. I don't have to worry about extensive care of trying to keep these bad boys from sweating all year long. I no longer have to worry about buying shirts that are too big and don't fit in the arms, just so there is enough room for my boobs! It means, that because lasik isn't covered by insurance and will be out of pocket, that I can file after Christmas and start the new year right! It means I am one step closer to a new me and a divorce.
Having said all that, I am remembering the good mood I was in this morning when those plans were made, but am really struggling emotionally tonight. Stupid stuff seems to set me off and it takes forever to get control of myself again, only adding to the issues I have in the first place. Let me explain:
Tonight I planned on working on fondant pieces for a cake I am putting together soon. I have a deadline and have a lot that still needs to be done. I went to get my vanilla extract (the expensive kind I buy because it is clear and will not tint my icing as well as making it work as a glue that does not stain when sticking together pieces of fondant. I do not have the opportunity to work during the day as I am a single mom 24-7. I am up at 6 every morning and try to be in bed by 10 just to be able to function as both children still wake me up multiple times during the night. So I finally get the children asleep at 8 which gives me a two hour window to work, which makes it worth it just enough to pull everything out and work as long as I can before I have another two hour slot. Anyway, I go to get this vanilla, where I keep put it, along with the other baking/cake stuff I have. Well it wasn't there. after 15 minutes of searching the island and my room I finally ask my mom if she moved it, as I have nothing else in the house that will work. She casually mentioned she had moved it to the food storage as she had already informed me she had some and we didn't need more than one upstairs. The stuff my mom has is not clear, therefore would not work. I mumbled something under my breath and ran all the way to the basement to look for it. At which point my daughter starts screaming again and I waste another ten minutes looking for this vanilla and not finding it. My stress is through the roof, I am exhausted. I have such little time to myself to do anything and here I am spending this time trying to work and I can't even do that. I was mad. So mad because I was told where to put my stuff and even then my items are moved around. Reality of me being a visitor hits me hard and I scream. I scream because I am so stressed and mad because I will probably have to live here for years because my husband abandoned me. I don't have a space or time to call my own because my husband abandoned me. I return up to the second floor to ask my mom where in the food storage she put my vanilla and she went and got it. when she handed it to me she very nicely said, "I would appreciate it if you don't get so mad at me; I make mistakes too."
This fueled my anger. Not at her. Not even at Josh, but at myself. I always feel like I am not good enough. I can't be the mom I want because I am stretched so thin trying to be mom and dad. I can't be the person I want as I am still picking up pieces. I feel so inadequate ALL the time. I snap, I break down, I zone out, I am probably guilty of every vice because I don't know how to hold myself together after all of this. here my mom was just trying to keep her house orderly because it is HER house and I went and upset her because I can't keep myself together. Being the person she is, she has probably already forgotten about it, but for me, it is just another blinding reminder of how far I have to go to even just be a normal person and it kills me that I am going through this. That I never am enough for myself and how I feel I am still never enough for my children, or anyone else around me. I don't know how to make this better other than by doing what I am doing, but how is that enough when this is what I still am. I cried and mumbled to myself for close to half an hour only to come upstairs and write about it now, completely throwing any time meant for productivity out the window. I just hate it. I hate it all. I still hate parts of myself. I still hate my situation. I still hate Josh and I hate that I hate. I am just so tired. All the time tired. Tired of everything.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Lasik
I think I have pretty much decided I am going to go ahead and get lasik done. I went in and had my eyes checked (no change in at least two years) and I am the perfect candidate. I have an appointment set up for next week to do some more thorough testing, but if everything checks out, this is just one more thing I have decided to do for myself. I got a lot of great information, including that not only will they fix the eyesight, but my stigmatism as well. Doing it while young (indicating my age) was the perfect time to do it as it lasts 15-20 years. Lasik does not prevent degeneration of the eyes that comes with old age, meaning, by doing this now, I get the most out of it as hopefully I shouldn't need any sort of lenses or anything for years. It is expensive, $4,500. However, if I don't have to buy glasses or contacts for 10 years, well then Lasik is the better option. However, making my choice came down to this. Glasses are a pain, especially with children and contacts are expensive and uncomfortable. Now that I am losing weight, I prefer contacts to glasses, but if I have an option to better myself and promote the love I have for myself by getting lasik, as silly as that sounds, then I need to do it. For so long I put me off and I figure now is the best time to do the things I want. I am in a position to do this, while I am blessed to not have rent thanks to my parents, that come next year, I am hoping to have the Cherish 2.0 that I have been working so hard on. So hoorah to making the changes I want and starting new with confidence!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Today
Today my "husband" moved down to Fountain Colorado with his mistress and her daughter. I have been trying really hard to forget that fact and squelch the anger that begins to boil anew when I think of his betrayal and abandonment all over again. I feel a little sorry for myself, wishing I had the things I was promised: someone here by my side holding me; loving me, someone to help me upkeep the house and chores, and someone to help me raise the children. Instead, it is just me.
I am working really hard on trying to be enough for myself and enough for my kids, while slowly finding the holes and stopping them from pouring out what little I have left. I am working really hard on trying to rely on myself and my Lord and not expecting or relying on others to give me what I "need." I am learning I need to find these "holes" and repair them myself so that when I am able and ready to date again, I do not just jump into something purely for the fact it fills up these holes that are draining me. I am trying to see that I can take full responsibility; I can be happy on my own and with myself. If I rely on the Lord, I can do it all. Much easier said than done, and everyday is a new fight, but this is what I am working on.
I look forward with great hope to my divorce as the last nine years have been nothing short of one trail after another and I honestly believe it was meant for the purpose of Josh. I agree something just happen, but I believe many of us are given trials to stretch our growth and humble us in remembrance of the Lord and the love and support he constantly offers us. Now I am not saying that I have not learned ad gain from the trials I have been through, but I feel I have been given insight that a lot of what I went through was given as an opportunity for Josh to return to the man he once was; he however chose differently, prolonging the hardships as he was given chance after chance. I say this and bring it up and I believe once I am can finally b done with him, and be to a point where I can move on, the my life will get easier. Now I am very aware I will still have trials and hardships, but I have been through the ringer and back and I truly believe there is a breath of fresh air, at the end of this. This is what I keep reminding myself today because although I know all of this in my heart to be true, I still hurt. It still hurts me so deeply that I have been treated the way I have. It hurts me so deeply that my husband "fell out of love with me" and then led me on for years. It hurts that when I am feeling utterly alone, I do not have warm arms to hold and comfort me; yet he does, because he is unfaithful. I remind myself how great it will be to be done with him, because despite it all, I still remember what it was that made me love him; choose him; fight for him.
I am working really hard on trying to be enough for myself and enough for my kids, while slowly finding the holes and stopping them from pouring out what little I have left. I am working really hard on trying to rely on myself and my Lord and not expecting or relying on others to give me what I "need." I am learning I need to find these "holes" and repair them myself so that when I am able and ready to date again, I do not just jump into something purely for the fact it fills up these holes that are draining me. I am trying to see that I can take full responsibility; I can be happy on my own and with myself. If I rely on the Lord, I can do it all. Much easier said than done, and everyday is a new fight, but this is what I am working on.
I look forward with great hope to my divorce as the last nine years have been nothing short of one trail after another and I honestly believe it was meant for the purpose of Josh. I agree something just happen, but I believe many of us are given trials to stretch our growth and humble us in remembrance of the Lord and the love and support he constantly offers us. Now I am not saying that I have not learned ad gain from the trials I have been through, but I feel I have been given insight that a lot of what I went through was given as an opportunity for Josh to return to the man he once was; he however chose differently, prolonging the hardships as he was given chance after chance. I say this and bring it up and I believe once I am can finally b done with him, and be to a point where I can move on, the my life will get easier. Now I am very aware I will still have trials and hardships, but I have been through the ringer and back and I truly believe there is a breath of fresh air, at the end of this. This is what I keep reminding myself today because although I know all of this in my heart to be true, I still hurt. It still hurts me so deeply that I have been treated the way I have. It hurts me so deeply that my husband "fell out of love with me" and then led me on for years. It hurts that when I am feeling utterly alone, I do not have warm arms to hold and comfort me; yet he does, because he is unfaithful. I remind myself how great it will be to be done with him, because despite it all, I still remember what it was that made me love him; choose him; fight for him.
Friday, November 22, 2013
goals update
These goals are to be accomplished by July 11, 2014 (one full year from the time I made them)
I am currently 141/365 days into this.
Concrete Results:
1. Lose 20-25 lbs ACCOMPLISHED
2. Start a Bunco group. (still haven't made an effort yet, but I still plan on making this happen).
3. Finish all four caked decorating classes ACCOMPLISHED
4.Read the BOM, D&C, POGP (I have read and finished both the BOM and the POGP and am currently on section 42 of D&C)
5. Read at least four religious books this year (I am 60 pages away from finishing my first book)
6. Learn a new crochet stitch. (Have not even attempted this yet, but I did just make four minion hats, all different with no pattern. Will work on this as some point though).
7. Cut back on Chipotle/Subway to only 1-2 times a month. (well not sure I will ever accomplish this goal).
8. Make $200 this year from stuff I have made. (so far I have received $130 and already have $150 commissioned, and am just waiting for the event and to be paid).
9. Run a 5K for fun ACCOMPLISHED
10. Get a job (may not accomplish this goal as in the end I will do what is best for my children. I had thought I would have Josh watch the kids half of the time, but that will not happen).
Ethereal Results:
1. Get to a point where I never yell at my kids. (still failing at this on a consistent basis, but I am working on reminding myself, there is no need to raise my voice at all).
2. Give service to others more frequently. (Lets be honest, I have been very focused on myself and my children. I have been failing at this one, but I hope to get to a point where I can do this more).
3. Eat healthier ACCOMPLISHED (I am eating better than I have in years, which is helping with the weight lose goal above.
4. Be more active ACCOMPLISHED (I go to the gym six days a week; no exceptions).
5. Write more ACCOMPLISHED (between my journal and this blog I am writing on a regular basis, although I do hope to eventually get back to my memoir).
6. Know where I stand with Josh ACCOMPLISHED (Him cheating on me pretty much summed it up).
7. Attend the temple more (haven't been since July sadly. Want to make this a priority and find a way to work out child care that I can make this happen.
8. Get Dorian ready for kindergarten' help inspire a love to learn (some days I am really good an doing activities and teaching him the way in which he learns, but there are still a lot of TV days as we pick ourselves up, so I am still working on this one).
9. meditate frequently (not sure if this counts, but I reflect on my scripture reading everyday and the time in which I journal, but I do not allow myself time to just stop and feel. I will work on this more).
10. Learn more about photography (haven't even touched this one yet, but hope to expand my knowledge on the subject).
I am currently 141/365 days into this.
Concrete Results:
1. Lose 20-25 lbs ACCOMPLISHED
2. Start a Bunco group. (still haven't made an effort yet, but I still plan on making this happen).
3. Finish all four caked decorating classes ACCOMPLISHED
4.Read the BOM, D&C, POGP (I have read and finished both the BOM and the POGP and am currently on section 42 of D&C)
5. Read at least four religious books this year (I am 60 pages away from finishing my first book)
6. Learn a new crochet stitch. (Have not even attempted this yet, but I did just make four minion hats, all different with no pattern. Will work on this as some point though).
7. Cut back on Chipotle/Subway to only 1-2 times a month. (well not sure I will ever accomplish this goal).
8. Make $200 this year from stuff I have made. (so far I have received $130 and already have $150 commissioned, and am just waiting for the event and to be paid).
9. Run a 5K for fun ACCOMPLISHED
10. Get a job (may not accomplish this goal as in the end I will do what is best for my children. I had thought I would have Josh watch the kids half of the time, but that will not happen).
Ethereal Results:
1. Get to a point where I never yell at my kids. (still failing at this on a consistent basis, but I am working on reminding myself, there is no need to raise my voice at all).
2. Give service to others more frequently. (Lets be honest, I have been very focused on myself and my children. I have been failing at this one, but I hope to get to a point where I can do this more).
3. Eat healthier ACCOMPLISHED (I am eating better than I have in years, which is helping with the weight lose goal above.
4. Be more active ACCOMPLISHED (I go to the gym six days a week; no exceptions).
5. Write more ACCOMPLISHED (between my journal and this blog I am writing on a regular basis, although I do hope to eventually get back to my memoir).
6. Know where I stand with Josh ACCOMPLISHED (Him cheating on me pretty much summed it up).
7. Attend the temple more (haven't been since July sadly. Want to make this a priority and find a way to work out child care that I can make this happen.
8. Get Dorian ready for kindergarten' help inspire a love to learn (some days I am really good an doing activities and teaching him the way in which he learns, but there are still a lot of TV days as we pick ourselves up, so I am still working on this one).
9. meditate frequently (not sure if this counts, but I reflect on my scripture reading everyday and the time in which I journal, but I do not allow myself time to just stop and feel. I will work on this more).
10. Learn more about photography (haven't even touched this one yet, but hope to expand my knowledge on the subject).
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The Kids
Last night Josh came over, played with the kids for about two hours and then left, before Dorian had fallen asleep all the way. I comforted him to sleep around 8:45. He then woke up screaming and crying at 10:15 asking for his dad, and why did his dad leave him, and his dad needed to come home. My mom and I tried to explain that dad chose to leave. Although dad did not live here anymore mom, mama Shea, and papa Greg did and e all loved him very much and we would never leave him. After about forty five minutes of calming and snuggling I finally got him back to sleep (in my bed). It kills me! It tears my soul in two to watch the destruction Josh's selfishness is having on our children. Although I am broken and hurt and dying over the rejection I would rather he abandon me a million times over than have to watch my children go through this because he has abandoned them too. Not once has he been over more then 3 times a week. A three and one year old don't understand that, especially when it is inconsistent. I beg and beg for Josh to either be all in or all out because he is confusing and hurting our children, but yet week after week, it always seems to go however Josh wants it to go, with promises of more visits and being a better dad and the children always left with disappointment.
Did I mention this stand up guy also has decided to move to Fountain (80 miles away) because his mistress wants to? He promises he will still commute to work (over a 2 hour drive one way) and promises he will still provide health care as he doesn't plan on loosing his job. He swears up and down he will still see the kids and I can't keep them from him.
How dare he?!!! Why is she more important than his children? The ONLY thing he contributes at all is the little bit of money we do get as well as the health care and he is risking it all for his own selfish desires and it makes me furious. I want to scream and cry and beat some sense into him because NOTHING is worth more than these two sweet miracles he has just tossed aside. My whole heart is heavy and grieves in agony as I know without a doubt his employment is ending soon and all I can do is pray he can keep his job long enough for me to get my surgery done as well as give me time to at least get me and the kids on Medicaid as he obviously cannot be trusted to follow through on anything.
I feel so helpless; so alone, so overwhelmed all due to his selfishness and I hurt so much that he would treat our kids with this injustice and care so little about their welfare. My heart turns against me, hating myself a little on nights like these that this is who I picked to be their father. We all have given everything we have had to him and loved him unceasingly and to have him treat us all with such little worth is insulting and degrading and hurtful to us all. Oh how I wish I could shield my babies from his stupidity and selfishness. He is not a father. He is nothing more than the man who walked away and it breaks me in two that my three year old has had to discover this.
Oh how I look forward to the day I will no longer be legally tied to this and finally be able to hope for a love that is pure and true and worthy of the three of us.
Tonight, I hate him with everything that I have.
Did I mention this stand up guy also has decided to move to Fountain (80 miles away) because his mistress wants to? He promises he will still commute to work (over a 2 hour drive one way) and promises he will still provide health care as he doesn't plan on loosing his job. He swears up and down he will still see the kids and I can't keep them from him.
How dare he?!!! Why is she more important than his children? The ONLY thing he contributes at all is the little bit of money we do get as well as the health care and he is risking it all for his own selfish desires and it makes me furious. I want to scream and cry and beat some sense into him because NOTHING is worth more than these two sweet miracles he has just tossed aside. My whole heart is heavy and grieves in agony as I know without a doubt his employment is ending soon and all I can do is pray he can keep his job long enough for me to get my surgery done as well as give me time to at least get me and the kids on Medicaid as he obviously cannot be trusted to follow through on anything.
I feel so helpless; so alone, so overwhelmed all due to his selfishness and I hurt so much that he would treat our kids with this injustice and care so little about their welfare. My heart turns against me, hating myself a little on nights like these that this is who I picked to be their father. We all have given everything we have had to him and loved him unceasingly and to have him treat us all with such little worth is insulting and degrading and hurtful to us all. Oh how I wish I could shield my babies from his stupidity and selfishness. He is not a father. He is nothing more than the man who walked away and it breaks me in two that my three year old has had to discover this.
Oh how I look forward to the day I will no longer be legally tied to this and finally be able to hope for a love that is pure and true and worthy of the three of us.
Tonight, I hate him with everything that I have.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Don't Judge Me: The Kiss
To preface this entry, I am sure this will all sound counter productive, but I feel it has propelled me into the next stage of moving on. After replaying this incident in my head for the last couple of days I have decided it is something I need to write about, so without over analyzing, here is what happened:
I kissed Josh. I asked fir him to kiss me, and we kissed; really kissed. I know how ridiculous this is, but I needed to know certain things. I leaned a lot.
I learned that while we are still married he has had a relationship (he claims her his girlfriend) with this other woman; and not only did he not prove any sort of fidelity to me, he also did not give it to her. Which, in all honesty, did make me feel a little better, knowing he was not offering her anything he had not offered me.
I also learned from the way his body and actions responded to our contact, that he is still physically attracted to me. This might seem vain, but with all the intimacy problems we had with his arousal while we were married I always feared he was disgusted by my weight, especially sine the woman he is now choosing to be with is younger and thinner. Being the stand up man that he is, he already made it clear to me that he found her more attractive, that the responses his body made were validation that I was attractive, even to him, the man who left me.
To elaborate this a little, I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever been in love with, making his opinion and actions more important than they probably should be. However, that is what it was: this kiss made me feel desired by him and it helped my self esteem and my state of mind as I saw more clearly what he had been telling me: none of this was my fault; it was all due to him.
Another thing I learned was how good and comfortable it all felt. It was a reminder that there were parts of our marriage that were real and that were good and while it may hurt too much now, it is still important to remember. Despite what it seems like now, not everything was bad.
This kiss, if only temporary, fought off the desperate loneliness that had been burdening my heart and served as a reminder that I had been loved at one point and I could be loved again.
This kiss also taught me a couple other things, including the fact that while he was kissing me, I couldn't help but wonder where his lips and tongue had been and it disgusted me thinking of the possibilities. This served as a very intimate reminder that this was not the married and that I deserved peace of mind when kissing someone rather than harboring disdain and disgust.
Another lesson was that we were both very aware of boundaries and just how far and where the kiss could progress and it saddened me to the very center of my soul that this is something I even had to contemplate while kissing my husband. yet another stark reminder that this man was unfaithful and unworthy of all I had at one time given so bountifully.
Once again, I know it is an odd way to come to all these conclusions and I am very aware how many friends and family members would be against it, but it was the closure I needed for the time being and I now no longer desire to be on his lips or in his arms as I know first hand it is nothing more that kissing a stranger with a familiar touch.
I kissed Josh. I asked fir him to kiss me, and we kissed; really kissed. I know how ridiculous this is, but I needed to know certain things. I leaned a lot.
I learned that while we are still married he has had a relationship (he claims her his girlfriend) with this other woman; and not only did he not prove any sort of fidelity to me, he also did not give it to her. Which, in all honesty, did make me feel a little better, knowing he was not offering her anything he had not offered me.
I also learned from the way his body and actions responded to our contact, that he is still physically attracted to me. This might seem vain, but with all the intimacy problems we had with his arousal while we were married I always feared he was disgusted by my weight, especially sine the woman he is now choosing to be with is younger and thinner. Being the stand up man that he is, he already made it clear to me that he found her more attractive, that the responses his body made were validation that I was attractive, even to him, the man who left me.
To elaborate this a little, I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever been in love with, making his opinion and actions more important than they probably should be. However, that is what it was: this kiss made me feel desired by him and it helped my self esteem and my state of mind as I saw more clearly what he had been telling me: none of this was my fault; it was all due to him.
Another thing I learned was how good and comfortable it all felt. It was a reminder that there were parts of our marriage that were real and that were good and while it may hurt too much now, it is still important to remember. Despite what it seems like now, not everything was bad.
This kiss, if only temporary, fought off the desperate loneliness that had been burdening my heart and served as a reminder that I had been loved at one point and I could be loved again.
This kiss also taught me a couple other things, including the fact that while he was kissing me, I couldn't help but wonder where his lips and tongue had been and it disgusted me thinking of the possibilities. This served as a very intimate reminder that this was not the married and that I deserved peace of mind when kissing someone rather than harboring disdain and disgust.
Another lesson was that we were both very aware of boundaries and just how far and where the kiss could progress and it saddened me to the very center of my soul that this is something I even had to contemplate while kissing my husband. yet another stark reminder that this man was unfaithful and unworthy of all I had at one time given so bountifully.
Once again, I know it is an odd way to come to all these conclusions and I am very aware how many friends and family members would be against it, but it was the closure I needed for the time being and I now no longer desire to be on his lips or in his arms as I know first hand it is nothing more that kissing a stranger with a familiar touch.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Emotional vomit in the form of rushed poetry
What use are wings to a flightless bird,
A promise of hope, yet held back?
or a world of beautiful color-
to a dog who sees only white and black.
Push upon the boulder-
yet the boulder never moves.
A test, a trial:
all for one to prove?
Shed these chains and limitations.
Let my feet move free!
Until that blessed moment,
I will never be more than what I be.
Demons drag, the past haunts,
and anger fills my soul.
How else can it be;
when we never cam be whole?
Always a trial, a new step to take,
and we simply label it: life.
yet in reality it is a curse.
A never ending bout of strife.
Yes, we grow, some even come off conquer.
Others, slowly fall, lost to the pain.
Just set me free, I have no more,
when the fight is more than the gain.
Dark, Despair, Sorrow too,
follow me around.
Yet deep inside, this broken heart,
I Do know there is solid ground.
The gain, my salvation.
Priceless when I prove myself true.
yet, how, how and I to achieve this,
when I can't seem to get over you?
Forgiveness? Compassion?
None of these have you earned.
Still, my heart whispers-
This is the lesson to learn.
So go your way, away from me,
and I will conquer still.
because despite what you took from me,
I will always have my will.
Maybe one day I can wish you happiness,
but today is not that day.
Instead I pray for y our soul,
That you may feel and then pay.
Feel the destruction that you left in your wake;
let it seep, burning into your heart
That from this. we might both learn and fix
In hopes of earning a new start.
A promise of hope, yet held back?
or a world of beautiful color-
to a dog who sees only white and black.
Push upon the boulder-
yet the boulder never moves.
A test, a trial:
all for one to prove?
Shed these chains and limitations.
Let my feet move free!
Until that blessed moment,
I will never be more than what I be.
Demons drag, the past haunts,
and anger fills my soul.
How else can it be;
when we never cam be whole?
Always a trial, a new step to take,
and we simply label it: life.
yet in reality it is a curse.
A never ending bout of strife.
Yes, we grow, some even come off conquer.
Others, slowly fall, lost to the pain.
Just set me free, I have no more,
when the fight is more than the gain.
Dark, Despair, Sorrow too,
follow me around.
Yet deep inside, this broken heart,
I Do know there is solid ground.
The gain, my salvation.
Priceless when I prove myself true.
yet, how, how and I to achieve this,
when I can't seem to get over you?
Forgiveness? Compassion?
None of these have you earned.
Still, my heart whispers-
This is the lesson to learn.
So go your way, away from me,
and I will conquer still.
because despite what you took from me,
I will always have my will.
Maybe one day I can wish you happiness,
but today is not that day.
Instead I pray for y our soul,
That you may feel and then pay.
Feel the destruction that you left in your wake;
let it seep, burning into your heart
That from this. we might both learn and fix
In hopes of earning a new start.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
ME
Tonight I went out and treated myself. I spent $100 on myself and I cannot even tell you the last time I indulged like that. As I am now down another pant size (went from 18 to 14 now) I bought a new pair of jeans, a new pair of workout clothes, new eye shadow and new eye liner. I feel good. I feel attractive. I feel like more than just a mom.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Hello, did you miss me?
Today I found a part of myself I forgot about. It is interesting to me that as I shed the pounds and let go of the seven years of marriage that has been weighing so heavy on me, how I start to see this new, and yet familiar Cherish I thought died in the car accident. I am still struggling to find her and unbury her from all the weight and faces she has hid behind for comforts sake for so long, but I am finding her.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
2 Years
I just didn't have the heart to post last night, but last night two years ago is when I lost everything in my life except my son. Hard to believe it has been two years since the fire and yet still many a day I still feel like I am quaking at all that was stripped from me. It is like a black line that marks my timeline as now I refer to things as before the fire, or after the fire. It is frustrating as well, as even two years later I can see an item I know I had and spend hours looking for said item, until I remember it was a pre fire item.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Some of my favorite things
1. The smell of an old book
2. The smell of a new book
3. A fleece blanket on a snow day
4. The feel of my hair hitting my bare back when I take my shirt off.
5. The smell of vanilla on my hands after making a cake.
6. The giggle of my child.
7. Climbing into a bed that has just been made.
8. Putting on clothes that come straight out of the dryer.
9. Hearing a song on the radio that compels me to sing along.
10. Seeing the numbers on the scale getting lower.
11. Having my child hold my hand.
12. A frosty ice cold Diet Coke.
13. Chipotle
14. The smell of bread baking.
15. A tight hug.
16. The feel of yarn moving through my fingers as I crochet.
17. The smell of lavender.
18. Writing on a blank page in a new journal.
19. Soaking in a hot bath with candles going.
20. The paradox of both fatigue and energy after a good workout.
Of course there are many more. Feel free to add your own to the comments; I would love to hear them!
2. The smell of a new book
3. A fleece blanket on a snow day
4. The feel of my hair hitting my bare back when I take my shirt off.
5. The smell of vanilla on my hands after making a cake.
6. The giggle of my child.
7. Climbing into a bed that has just been made.
8. Putting on clothes that come straight out of the dryer.
9. Hearing a song on the radio that compels me to sing along.
10. Seeing the numbers on the scale getting lower.
11. Having my child hold my hand.
12. A frosty ice cold Diet Coke.
13. Chipotle
14. The smell of bread baking.
15. A tight hug.
16. The feel of yarn moving through my fingers as I crochet.
17. The smell of lavender.
18. Writing on a blank page in a new journal.
19. Soaking in a hot bath with candles going.
20. The paradox of both fatigue and energy after a good workout.
Of course there are many more. Feel free to add your own to the comments; I would love to hear them!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Moving in the right direction
I have a gym membership and have been going regularly and I feel good. I no longer ask the question why? how come? how could he? and instead focus on when? How am I going to accomplish? What can I become? Although I am still working on this, I am trying to curb my tongue and no longer lash out with the mean biting remarks when she is brought up or when his actions and words do not match up. I am finally to the point where I feel I am not living hour to hour and making plans for the next day does not throw me into a frenzy anymore as I wonder: how can I do all of this, as now although not always well, I know I can do it. I do not need him. For years I have micromanaged and pulled all the strings so why is it so scary now that I don't have him to hide behind?
Sadly, after talking with insurance as soon as the divorce is final, the company will boot me and deny me insurance regardless of what Josh and I decide; meaning, I will continue to be married and cheated on until I get my breast reduction as it is worth that extra endurance. I wish I could just have a fresh start come the new year, but to be safe I will file when I now I am ready to be without insurance while I work on setting up Medicaid, or something.
I still have a ton of crap to sell so if anyone is looking at purchasing ANYTHING for their home I am selling EVETYTHING!!!!! at a great price. I want it gone, so it is only priced to help me and the kids as sometimes the money coming in from Josh is unreliable. Almost all is in NEW condition as it was bought to replace everything we lost in the fire (2 years ago come the 9th)
So all in all I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this huge hole my marriage seemed to sink me into. I sometimes still get hurt and angry, but I those are no longer the only two emotions I feel as many a night it is good riddance, and he isn't worth my time. ok enough for tonight. Maybe sometime soon I can actually post something for me and no longer Josh related :)
Sadly, after talking with insurance as soon as the divorce is final, the company will boot me and deny me insurance regardless of what Josh and I decide; meaning, I will continue to be married and cheated on until I get my breast reduction as it is worth that extra endurance. I wish I could just have a fresh start come the new year, but to be safe I will file when I now I am ready to be without insurance while I work on setting up Medicaid, or something.
I still have a ton of crap to sell so if anyone is looking at purchasing ANYTHING for their home I am selling EVETYTHING!!!!! at a great price. I want it gone, so it is only priced to help me and the kids as sometimes the money coming in from Josh is unreliable. Almost all is in NEW condition as it was bought to replace everything we lost in the fire (2 years ago come the 9th)
So all in all I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this huge hole my marriage seemed to sink me into. I sometimes still get hurt and angry, but I those are no longer the only two emotions I feel as many a night it is good riddance, and he isn't worth my time. ok enough for tonight. Maybe sometime soon I can actually post something for me and no longer Josh related :)
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