Don't Judge Me: The Kiss

To preface this entry, I am sure this will all sound counter productive, but I feel it has propelled me into the next stage of moving on.  After replaying this incident in my head for the last couple of days I have decided it is something I need to write about, so without over analyzing, here is what happened:
I kissed Josh.  I asked fir him to kiss me, and we kissed; really kissed.  I know how ridiculous this is, but I needed to know certain things. I leaned a lot.
I learned that while we are still married he has had a relationship (he claims her his girlfriend) with this other woman; and not only did he not prove any sort of fidelity to me, he also did not give it to her.  Which, in all honesty, did make me feel a little better, knowing he was not offering her anything he had not offered me.
I also learned from the way his body and actions responded to our contact, that he is still physically attracted to me.  This might seem vain, but with all the intimacy problems we had with his arousal while we were married I always feared he was disgusted by my weight, especially sine the woman he is now choosing to be with is younger and thinner.  Being the stand up man that he is, he already made it clear to me that he found her more attractive, that the responses his body made were validation that I was attractive, even to him, the man who left me.
To elaborate this a little, I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever been in love with, making his opinion and actions more important than they probably should be.  However, that is what it was: this kiss made me feel desired by him and it helped my self esteem and my state of mind as I saw more clearly what he had been telling me: none of this was my fault; it was all due to him.
Another thing I learned was how good and comfortable it all felt.  It was a reminder that there were parts of our marriage that were real and that were good and while it may hurt too much now, it is still important to remember.  Despite what it seems like now, not everything was bad.
This kiss, if only temporary, fought off the desperate loneliness that had been burdening my heart and served as a reminder that I had been loved at one point and I could be loved again.
This kiss also taught me a couple other things, including the fact that while he was kissing me, I couldn't help but wonder where his lips and tongue had been and it disgusted me thinking of the possibilities.  This served as a very intimate reminder that this was not the married and that I deserved peace of mind when kissing someone rather than harboring disdain and disgust.
Another lesson was that we were both very aware of boundaries and just how far and where the kiss could progress and it saddened me to the very center of my soul that this is something I even had to contemplate while kissing my husband.  yet another stark reminder that this man was unfaithful and unworthy of all I had at one time given so bountifully.
Once again, I know it is an odd way to come to all these conclusions and I am very aware how many friends and family members would be against it, but it was the closure I needed for the time being and I now no longer desire to be on his lips or in his arms as I know first hand it is nothing more that kissing a stranger with a familiar touch.