The Kids

Last night Josh came over, played with the kids for about two hours and then left, before Dorian had fallen asleep all the way. I comforted him to sleep around 8:45.  He then woke up screaming and crying at 10:15 asking for his dad, and why did his dad leave him, and his dad needed to come home.  My mom and I tried to explain that dad chose to leave. Although dad did not live here anymore mom, mama Shea, and papa Greg did and e all loved him very much and we would never leave him.  After about forty five minutes of calming and snuggling I finally got him back to sleep (in my bed).  It kills me! It tears my soul in two to watch the destruction Josh's selfishness is having on our children.  Although I am broken and hurt and dying over the rejection I would rather he abandon me a million times over than have to watch my children go through this because he has abandoned them too.  Not once has he been over more then 3 times a week.  A three and one year old don't understand that, especially when it is inconsistent.  I beg and beg for Josh to either be all in or all out because he is confusing and hurting our children, but yet week after week, it always seems to go however Josh wants it to go, with promises of more visits and being a better dad and the children always left with disappointment. 
Did I mention this stand up guy also has decided to move to Fountain (80 miles away) because his mistress wants to?  He promises he will still commute to work (over a 2 hour drive one way) and promises he will still provide health care as he doesn't plan on loosing his job.  He swears up and down he will still see the kids and I can't keep them from him. 
How dare he?!!! Why is she more important than his children? The ONLY thing he contributes at all is the little bit of money we do get as well as the health care and he is risking it all for his own selfish desires and it makes me furious.  I want to scream and cry and beat some sense into him because NOTHING is worth more than these two sweet miracles he has just tossed aside.  My whole heart is heavy and grieves in agony as I know without a doubt his employment is ending soon and all I can do is pray he can keep his job long enough for me to get my surgery done as well as give me time to at least get me and the kids on Medicaid as he obviously cannot be trusted to follow through on anything.
I feel so helpless; so alone, so overwhelmed all due to his selfishness and I hurt so much that he would treat our kids with this injustice and care so little about their welfare.  My heart turns against me, hating myself a little on nights like these that this is who I picked to be their father.  We all have given everything we have had to him and loved him unceasingly and to have him treat us all with such little worth is insulting and degrading and hurtful to us all. Oh how I wish I could shield my babies from his stupidity and selfishness.  He is not a father.  He is nothing more than the man who walked away and it breaks me in two that my three year old has had to discover this.
Oh how I look forward to the day I will no longer be legally tied to this and finally be able to hope for a love that is pure and true and worthy of the three of us.
Tonight, I hate him with everything that I have.