I have a gym membership and have been going regularly and I feel good. I no longer ask the question why? how come? how could he? and instead focus on when? How am I going to accomplish? What can I become? Although I am still working on this, I am trying to curb my tongue and no longer lash out with the mean biting remarks when she is brought up or when his actions and words do not match up. I am finally to the point where I feel I am not living hour to hour and making plans for the next day does not throw me into a frenzy anymore as I wonder: how can I do all of this, as now although not always well, I know I can do it. I do not need him. For years I have micromanaged and pulled all the strings so why is it so scary now that I don't have him to hide behind?
Sadly, after talking with insurance as soon as the divorce is final, the company will boot me and deny me insurance regardless of what Josh and I decide; meaning, I will continue to be married and cheated on until I get my breast reduction as it is worth that extra endurance. I wish I could just have a fresh start come the new year, but to be safe I will file when I now I am ready to be without insurance while I work on setting up Medicaid, or something.
I still have a ton of crap to sell so if anyone is looking at purchasing ANYTHING for their home I am selling EVETYTHING!!!!! at a great price. I want it gone, so it is only priced to help me and the kids as sometimes the money coming in from Josh is unreliable. Almost all is in NEW condition as it was bought to replace everything we lost in the fire (2 years ago come the 9th)
So all in all I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this huge hole my marriage seemed to sink me into. I sometimes still get hurt and angry, but I those are no longer the only two emotions I feel as many a night it is good riddance, and he isn't worth my time. ok enough for tonight. Maybe sometime soon I can actually post something for me and no longer Josh related :)
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