2 Years

I just didn't have the heart to post last night, but last night two years ago is when I lost everything in my life except my son.  Hard to believe it has been two years since the fire and yet still many a day I still feel like I am quaking at all that was stripped from me.  It is like a black line that marks my timeline as now I refer to things as before the fire, or after the fire.  It is frustrating as well, as even two years later I can see an item I know I had and spend hours looking for said item, until I remember it was a pre fire item.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better.  Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground.  I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line.  Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down.  To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day.  It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though.  Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading.  When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.