Spalding

For those of you who have read my memoir, you might remember the birds I purchased after I finished physical therapy after my car accident. I bought them as they were very symbolic.  They stood for something.  It was a symbol of flying on, hope, beauty, life, etc.  Over the years three of the four bird died and Spalding, the last one standing has lived in solitude for the last four years.  Because of this, he was me.  He was my fighter, my friend, my bird.  He moved from my bedroom into my very first apartment with Josh.  He moved into the first house we purchased.  He moved to Pennsylvania and then back to Colorado to Georgia to Tennessee and then back to Colorado again.  This bird may have been in a cage, but he saw the country.  He kept me company when Josh was deployed and would sing to me when I cried.  He was around when both my babies were born and it has been joy watching my children get so excited about this sweet little bird that lives in mommy’s room.

I am sure you all know where this is going.  Last night when I went to dress for the gym, I noticed him in his food dish, which is unusual.  I went to shake him out so I could add more seed, but he didn’t move.  My heart fell as something else I loved had been stripped from me.

I went in and shared the news with my mom as she understood exactly what his death meant to me.  As always, my mommy knew the best things to say as she said Spalding was always something symbolic to me and she didn’t find it coincidental that his chapter ended the same time my marriage has.  Spalding was my symbol for starting over, which I did, but that chapter is over and his passing is indication that this chapter of my life is over too and it is time to start over again.

I recounted this conversation to a friend when sharing the news with her.  She said she agreed and then asked what my new symbol for starting over was.  I was at a loss.  Then she piped in, “you. You are your symbol with all the changes you are making FOR you.  YOU!” So I am the symbol of what I stand for and what I am and hope for and wish to be.  I am my own symbol for starting over (AGAIN).