step back or break through?

It amazing how even though we feel we are over something, the emotions can still seep into reality and crush us in an instant.  For me this instant was last night.  As many of you know I miscarried my last pregnancy.  When the baby died inside of me I was fourteen weeks and two days.  I found out two days later.  Well yesterday I was fourteen weeks and two days along in my current pregnancy.  Needless to say the fear was debilitating and the sorrow crushing at remembering what I had lost just a short period ago.  Instead of being fourteen weeks I should have been thirty seven weeks along.  As awful as it all is, I still believe it was better for the child to pass, but last night I sat in my closet sobbing on the floor as I looked at the one and only picture I have of the son I lost.  His due date was to be May 13^th and I fear that the same debilitating feelings will overwhelm me again.  I feel guilty that I am still mourning although I have already been blessed with a new blessing.  I know all of this is natural and that my feelings are slightly irrational, but the guilt is still there.  Guilt too that I haven’t thought of baby Borland in weeks and I feel as if because of my new pregnancy I am already forgetting the child I lost.  The memories of holding the two ounce child in my hand as I examined his little arm with fingers and his little legs with toes.  He was too small to hug, so I sat there awkwardly with him in my hands as I took in my son. 

My husband found me in the closet racked with tears.  He sat on the floor next to me and cried with me as we looked at the beautiful gift we had for such a short time.  I know in my heart he is in a better place and will not have to live a life with a disability, so now I need to look forward to this new pregnancy.  I have enough love to give to all my children that I know I shouldn’t feel shame in loving the new miracle in our lives.  I am so blessed to have an ultra sound on Friday and if everything still looks good, I plan on announcing on Facebook our sweet announcement along with pictures of all three ultra sounds.  I am so blessed to have an eternal family!