Back to the beginning

I don’t know how it happened, but it seems Josh and I am right back where we started.  All the sudden he feels he has to revisit the choice of the Army or his family and once again I feel like I am not good enough for him.  He says with either way he will be giving up something and will be unhappy.  Why would I want him to stay and be a part of the family if he is going to be unhappy?    I am so sick of all the justifications and contradictions as he tries to navigate who he is and what he wants because he is a father and a husband so that selfish crap shouldn’t be an issue; his responsibilities should be what guides him to who and what he should want to have and become.  In his mind though, it just isn’t that simple.  I am so sick and exhausted of fighting for something he isn’t even sure he wants.  How long am I supposed to stay and put up with this when it seems like every month or so we are starting all over again?!  I just want to be loved.  I want my kids to be provided for and I don’t want to have to always be questioning if this is real or just another illusion.  I love my husband, but when he gets this way, I don’t want to be married to him.  I don’t deserve the way he treats me or makes me feel and I don’t deserve to be taken advantage of.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this crap when I am twenty six weeks pregnant with our second child!

When we got married he promised me so much.  He promised he would always love and care for me and would always strive to be the best person he could be.  He promised he would be a god fearing person who would keep peace and harmony in our home and I feel so stupid for believing this would be the case and I feel so betrayed because now I don’t have any of that.  I hate him for splitting up our family and I hate him for only thinking of him.  I guess divorce is still very much a possibility, but as always I have to wait and see what he wants.