Divorce?

As you know I gave my husband a list of five things I needed to see improvement on before our next session to prove that he loved me and to show that our marriage was worth the little work I asked him to do.  He agreed to all the things on my list and he stated that he thought they were all fair.  Yesterday was our appointment and our deadline.  We began our session my sharing how these things were accomplished and it was very clear that only minimal effort was put in on the items that were worked on and there were a couple of items that hadn’t been attempted at all.  The therapist asked my husband if he had agreed to the terms and if he thought they were fair.  My husband replied that he thought they were fair at the time, but no longer thought so.  The therapist then asked why he changed his mind.  My husband responded that if I accepted who he was I shouldn’t expect him to complete the items on the list.  The therapist then asked my husband what it was that I was not accepting about him and he listed two items: that he was a soldier and that he was not a member of the church.  The therapist then made the observation that he felt (but could be wrong) that Josh was subconsciously and passively trying to sabotage our marriage because deep down it wasn’t what he wanted or he would make every effort to try and same it and the therapist felt he was giving a take it or leave it sort of attitude.  He broke down our session to the simplest terms by saying that it we didn’t seem to have anything to bind us together; we didn’t have a common goal or desire and we seemed to be going in two very separate directions and that the “hang ups” we kept stumbling upon were the church and the military.  He then said that he advocated for families to try and stay together, but if there wasn’t an agreeable compromise to the both of us then we would both be miserable and resentful.  He said we could both try and negotiate terms to make our marriage work and continue trying or if we were unable to compromise on what we needed then accept we no longer could make a marriage work and seek a divorce.

Essentially it was church against army.  I have always believed very strongly in my religion and it is more than just a religion, it is a way I live my life, but in the long term I would rather my children have an inactive father who doesn’t believe in God than to have them grow up without a father at all.  I am willing to compromise that if he is willing to compromise the Army because I can’t give up both.  Since my husband has left the church I no longer feel he is inspired, protected and in honest since he no longer holds the same values as me I do not trust him.  I just don’t see how we can make our marriage work if he stays in service.  I offered my husband my proposal, but he did not find it suitable.  I asked if he could think of any other compromise we would both be happy with.  He responded that he could not.  He then announced that he thought divorce was our only option.

We split ways for an hour or two so we could process the reality of what was said but upon returning home I brought up all the things that were still bothering me.  I demanded that he at least admitted that the Army was more important to him since that was what he had chosen.  He kept arguing that, that wasn’t the case.  I asked him to explain himself and he said that he felt like we would be better off on our own since he couldn’t be the husband we needed him to be.  I let him know that this argument didn’t make sense because it would be better for our children to have him for a father than no father at all.  He then went on to say that I deserved the chance to find a husband who did believe in the church.  It was at this point that I pretty much broke down and said to him I had no intention of dating.  How could I date with a toddler and a newborn?  Plus if he didn’t want me, what makes him think anyone else would with two children in tow?  How would it be better if I had to get a job to support our children, so they no longer had a dad or a stay at home mom?  How would it be better for them when I would have to move in with my parents and they wouldn’t be able to have a house or place to even call their own?  How would it be better for him to miss his children’s lives?  I told him that I felt his depression was once again talking and he needed to be very clear on what exactly he was saying and thinking before we made this permanent.  He said it was a hard decision and he knows it shouldn’t but he needed a couple days to decide over the Army or us.  I told him I would need to know before my family reunion because I would need the time away with my family to make plans if I needed to, so my husband has until Monday to decide what he wants in his life.  At this point I can’t help but prepare for the worst and I am trying not to get overwhelmed with plans of moving and divorcing while pregnant and with two little children.  I am not angry but I feel it is incredibly unfair, especially to my children and I feel it is all very selfish.  I love my children with all my heart and I have the support if my family as well as his, so I take comfort in knowing I have help through this trying time.  Please keep us in your prayers!