Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

If you are reading this, then you are proof prayers are answered.  You are proof that good, just, honest men still exist.  You are proof that love is more than luck or a myth, but something that is real and that you are worthy and special enough that I have trusted you with my heart, my life, my eternity, and my children.

I want you to know that I have been through fire and brimstone, enduring the refiners fire to find you.  I have fought with every ounce of strength that I have ever had to be worthy and an equal as we strive to return to our kingdom in Heaven.

I know without a doubt that the Lord has always intended to have us in union that we may love, support, and strengthen one another as we make a family dedicated to him.  Despite all my trials and the disappointment and sorrow I have felt with the divorce I have been through, I have always known in my heart I would find you, someone of exceptional quality to give me the opportunity to serve the Lord in my role as mother and wife.

Although I do not apologize for my past, I am sorry it has taken me so long to find you: someone worthy and true enough to help propel me into being the Queen I know I am intended to be.  In return, I am sorry it has taken me so long to find you and hopefully provide the same opportunity for growth and support.

I have been tried and have proved true that I am honest, loyal and dedicated and if I have chosen to be sealed to you, then know there is NO end to everything I am and everything I hope to offer you.

I am daily working on being a better me so that I can prepare for YOU! It is the hope of finding you that gives me the courage to move on from my hurtful past, knowing you: greatness, awaits me.

I greatly undervalued my self worth when I married before.  A mistake I promised I would never duplicate.  Meaning, since you are the one reading this, then you are a choice son of our Father in Heaven and have proved to me your divine nature and pure heart.

I know if you have somehow won, or better yet, earned this battered heart, you are nothing short of a hero and I can genuinely say I love you.  Because when you read this it means I am happy.  I am safe.  I am loved and I am finally a part of something I have spent my entire life looking for. You have saved me from loneliness, from being a single mother and you have saved me from the constant worry that I might never be enough; whether for someone to love and accept me, or enough to fulfill all the needs of my children.

I am sure you are already aware of my needs, but always tell me you love me.  Hold my hand and kiss me every time the desire comes upon you.  Forgive my bossiness and set ways as I have been doing so much alone for so long.  Pray and read scriptures with me every day and more than anything, ALWAYS be the worthy priesthood holder you are as I have learned first hand that when we are both cemented to the Lord, we will forever be cemented to each other and that is what I want: A forever with you.

Mammoplasty

So today I met with the plastic surgeon about a breast reduction.  Before going in I was really nervous, but upon leaving I was more excited than I have been in a very long time. 
I developed early and was at a size C by 7th grade and a DD by freshman year of high school and have never been under a DD since. When breast feeding I reached a size J and my stretch marks around my breast became so thin, they broke open.  I have always hated my breast and seeing as I have 4 pounds of metal in my back, you can imagine how it only fuels the hate I have at all the extra weight.
I have been wanting a breast reduction for years, but was pregnant of breast feeding.  Seeing as I am divorcing and there is still a very good possibility I can still breast feed even after the surgery, I figure now is the time as I am working on being the me I have always wanted to be.  I talked with primary care doctors, chiropractors and my insurance and eventually ended up in the plastic surgeon's office to see if I qualified for a medically necessary mammoplasty.  After a consult and measurements it was found I qualified without even factoring in the back issues! He talked about how with a lot of other procedures there were some who regret the change, but when it came to a breast reduction, he had never had anyone who wasn't always thrilled with the choice they made.  He went over the different procedures and the one he preferred to use and why.  He explained how many of his other patients ended up losing body weight afterwards as the became more mobile, felt and looked younger, and no longer had the burden to constantly carry around.  Everything he was saying, were the unspoken truths I have wrestled with my whole life and I felt a strong personal affirmation that this was indeed what I was supposed to be doing and how great a change this will be for me.  For the first time ever I can imagine what it might be like to have smaller breast, that can actually hold themselves up.  He gave me comfort about the long lasting look they would have even after I age and the natural look they will have that to be honest I feel I have never experienced.  He explained the procedure and how it was a three hour procedure, and how 85% of his patients even went home the same day.  because there are no muscles or ligaments to cut through there is little pain and assured me this would be easier than the C-sections I have had to have.
I am working on getting my primary care and chiropractor to send letters stating the medical need of such an operation in hopes to streamline the necessity of this procedure to the insurance company (a process that will take 6-8 weeks) so they said there might be a chance to have it done before the end of the year, but to plan on the beginning of next year. 
I am so very excited to have this done and already the possibility of such a procedure gives me hope and encouragement and makes me want to keep pushing to be the best me I can be. 
I have been waiting to file for divorce as I am currently on my 'husband's' health insurance, but talking with both him and my dad tonight I should be able to stay on until Josh decides to take me off (which he even offered to sign something to assure me he would not do that to me at last until I am done with everything) I am verifying this information tomorrow, but if this is the case; then I get to finally file for divorce and start the process of starting over.  This new year has me so excited as I have so many things to look forward to!

What I want to teach my daughter

As many of you know having read my memoir 1. I have always struggled with my self worth and 2. my parents were very against my marriage to Josh.  As you also know for the last four months, I have been working really hard on my growth physically, mentally, and spiritually, putting me in a place where I am finally feeling comfortable inside my own skin, sadly I cannot even remember the last time I have felt this way: empowered, successful, beautiful and special. 
When I met Josh I was nineteen and lost.  I didn't realize just how lost I was, but I desperately sought approval from anyone who would give it to me.  Everyone warned that I was so much better than him and it hurt me as it all seemed so judgmental.  I mean if people were assessing his worth, how many people found me lacking? Because I felt so insecure with who I was, I set the bar low, so that when those standards were met, I was elated. I was accepted. I was loved.
The cautions never ended and I brushed them all away thinking I was so Christ like loving everyone, especially the most unlikely of boys.  I believed in change.  I believed in his words.  I believed in the way he made me feel. I didn't think it was possible to set the bar too low as long as they did not compromise my standards. Seven very painful years later, I look back and see how naïve and blind I was.  I committed to a lifetime of love to him all on his words and his ability to be sober for eight months.  I believed if he could do that, what was one more day, one more week, one more year, one more lifetime. I knew where my bar was set and rather than watching for him to prove he could reach it, I took his word for it. 
So to my daughter there really is such a thing as setting the bar too low because you may think you are helping this person, you aren't.  It is no different than the different degrees of heaven.  You are put where you are comfortable.  Where you don't shrink away in sorrow or inadequacy, and that is what happened in my marriage.  Josh decided a long time ago that he would and could never meet my standard; my bar.  So instead, he pushed me away with his words and his actions, destroying me bit my bit, until I was able to see for myself just how low his bar was. 
Those seven years I did all that I thought I could.  I was the best person I knew how to be.  I thought I was the best person I could be.  However, after finally separating and having only myself to worry about; after I was able to let go of Josh and all his choices, did I see just how much I had been held back as I sacrificed my growth to try and stay as close to him as possible.  That is not a sacrifice anyone should have to make.
Sometimes we are called into peoples lives to be a guide and to help teach them truth and love and the gospel, and because of that there is a connection.  I KNOW for a fact that I was meant to be a part of Josh's life.  The pull I felt towards him, the patience, the love it had to be Christ-like and looking back I feel I was an answer to his parent's prayers as they begged with the lord to find a way to save  him.  I think I was that tool.  I gave him what he needed and I gave him that opportunity, but I feel I might have confused this purpose with the need to be married to him.  I don't think the Lord would want me paired with someone so unbalanced.  This imbalance made it near impossible for us to ever be a functioning couple or team as the inadequacy felt led to deception and then to a complete falling away.
Know your worth! Know that you are God's precious soul and daughter and he wants you to come back to him a queen.  So don't look for someone who just makes you happy or makes you feel loved.  Look for someone who can reach your bar.  Look for someone who can lead you into the kingdom of God to be crowned a king with you, a beautiful queen on his arm.  Never doubt your beauty: physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.  You are you.  You are beautiful and you deserve only the best.  Do not make my mistake of contentment.  Know what you are.  Know what you want and never deviate.  Don't lower your bar.  If you are faithful, someday someone worthy will be able to reach it.

Completed

I have officially completed all of the cake courses offered at Michaels.  What does this mean?  It means that from here on out I have all the skills I need to make a decent cake and I either need to figure things out through practice as I continue on or take culinary classes, (which at this point I have no desire to do). So yea for a goal completed!

As for me and my situation, here is where I stand: I used to really fear divorce. How would I care for myself, my kids, healthcare, parenting, etc, etc. I feel however, I have spent weeks in turmoil over the wrongs done to me.  Replaying years of our lives together trying to find clues, seeing how I was the only one invested.  Recognizing just how much I gave to someone who did not want it.  It ate at me.  It cut me to the center, as I doubted my worth and divine nature.  It made me feel weak and victimized and I counted the lies and deceits, but now, now I no longer feel the need to do all of that.  I gave %150 and he did not want me, that is his issue, not mine.  He has affected my life for long enough and I now have the control and the disgust I have with him and his choices has made it easy to give up on a love that was so very real for me. I now look forward to divorce.  To no longer be tied to someone I feel I am always pulling along.  I look forward to being able to find myself again and grow at my pace and speed without wondering how I can keep a healthy relationship with my spouse who fears my growth.  I look forward to meeting new people and seeing what is like to be with a real man (weather through friendship or eventually dating) as the one I have been tied to the last 7 years never gave me the honesty I deserved.  I look forward to moving on and directing my own life instead of allowing someone else to lead and guide us, when hindsight their vision was blindness.  I look forward to dating and hoping and loving and just being.

Cleaning out and moving on

Since Josh and I moved here all our stuff was put in storage.  I have been having a hard time getting the money Josh owes me and recently found out he was late on the storage payment.  This greatly upset me as half of that stuff is mine too and I would hate to lose things that are important to me, like pictures of the kids.  So after making sure the unit was paid, I made sure to start the huge project of splitting our possessions.  As I am living with my parents and probably will be for a long time, I have very little need for most of the stuff.  I thought about getting the few things I want and just being done with it, giving the rest to Josh, but the mortal, selfish side of me cringes and is sick at the thought of him and his mistress using some of the things that were special or important to me, that I no longer have use for.  So I am now in a mad dash to try and sell what I can in hopes of helping someone else out as well as supplementing what Josh does pay me in hopes of getting what is owed to me. I am soooo overwhelmed, but at the same time, feel this is something I should be doing. 
I did however, finally get my Colorado drivers license so officially all I need to do is get the paperwork notarized and I can file (I even have a friend who is willing to serve Josh).  After I file (which I will do after my appointment with the plastic surgeon) I have several more forms I need to get in order, but it will start the process that Colorado requires to take at least 90 days). Tomorrow is my last dentist appointment, I have the appointment with the plastic surgeon on the 30th and need to make an eye appointment and then I should be good to lose insurance when the divorce is finalized.  I also have a friend who has offered to help me with the whole Medicaid process, so everywhere I turn, I have people in my corner and that has really helped with the scariness of it all.  SO much left to do, but the ball is rolling.

Cake x3!

I made three cakes in two days and I am proud of them all! I would say three months of cake classes has paid off! (Why yes, I am tooting my own horn)

My son turned three and had a bulldozer themed party, so here is the cake I made for him:

My daughter turned one and as you know most one year old are pretty much good with anything, but my daughter loves her rubber ducks and seeing "duck" if one of like three words she says, I figured I would make that her theme:

by the way, I did the ducks as well. They are made from gum paste, ie sugar

Last, but not least, today is one of my best friend's birthday and so I made him a Monty Python themed cake:

So I did the voice bubble last minute, otherwise I could have made that look better, and as you can see my birthday didn't fit in as nicely as I wanted, so still lots of room for improvement, but I am proud of how it came out none-the-less!

Here is a trial for a trial

This last general conference there was a talk in how sometimes our trials prepare us for future trials and looking back on the many I have had in the past several years I was able to make a list of how they have all prepared me for this: my husband leaving me, becoming a single mom to a one and three year old.

*With my car accident, when going through serious bought of depression I prayed day and night to find an answer as to why I had survived and I received an answer.  I had survived because I was meant to be a mom; I found my sense of purpose.

*Then I was told I would never have kids; this devastating trial of trying to conceive year after year, only magnified the blessing that children were and gave me years of preparation to come to an understanding of the divinity and task children were.  Due to this trial, I learned to put children and their importance first.

*I finally get pregnant and then Josh deployed.  I raised my son all by myself as a first time mother for the first six months of his life, proving to me I can be a single mother and while not the optimal solution, I did not need a partner to meet the needs of and raise my children.  It also taught me what life was like without a constant companion, and while difficult, I managed.

*When we lost everything in the fire I didn’t see how anything positive could come from that, but with the insurance money, I paid off my car, which is a huge blessing as otherwise I would have already had to have sold it by now with the little income I receive from my estranged husband.

Stressed

The crazy busy is starting to get to me now.  Not only and I the sole provider for my two young kids 24-7, but I am also trying to line things up so I can get all my dental, health, and vision done before I lose insurance, as well as start the process to change my residency to Colorado and file for divorce.  I am so overwhelmed, that anymore, I feel like I am constantly in the brink of overload!  However, progress is being made and I am so excited to announce that I meet with a plastic surgeon Oct 30 to see if I will be considered for a medically necessary breast reduction (which I am confident I will based on the guidelines the insurance company gave me).  I have been wanting a breast reduction for years and hope to be able to have this opportunity while I am insured.  However, I feel like I am juggling a million things, making sure everything is in place at the right time.

Surprise!

this afternoon my two year old asked if we could go to McDonalds.  I agreed and then he asked if daddy could come.  I texted Josh and we worked it out to meet up there.  For the last four months Josh has been growing out his  facial hair (and I do not like facial hair, especially with Josh).  Well last night he had shaved and I saw his face for the first time in months today.  Seeing his face, my first thought was how attractive he was and instantly, I was disgusted with myself for finding this man attractive after all the hurt and destruction he has caused.  I felt like me finding him attractive was somehow betraying myself, disrespecting myself and my situation.  Why? How? How could I even think a positive thing toward the man who used me for so much and so long?  My stomach turned inside of me as he sat there talking to me, admitting his unfaithfulness while participating in oral sex and all the while I still couldn't stop my eyes from sliding over his body and I hated myself for it.  My mind was twisting in on itself when finally the answer hit me, taking me by surprise, although I am sure it is obvious to all of you.
A friend of mine who has been the listening ear through all of this process one night said simply, "you still love him."  I rejected this right away, denying such an accusation as how could anyone love someone who had become such a monster?  How could I love a man who willfully lied, deceived and cheated on me for years?  The truth of this hit me tonight though as I viewed my soon to be ex husband.  I found him attractive not just for the physical.  I found him attractive because despite the difficulty of all we have been through, I have been genuine and steadfast for my love of him for the last nine years and no matter the hurt or how much you try, it isn't something you just turn off.  I hate myself for loving him still as he does not deserve it, and I do not want to give him my love, but seven years ago I bound myself to him. I gave him my heart, my love, my life and now in a matter of two weeks I am doing all that I can to try and rewire all those feelings and memories and hopes.
He gave up on us.  He rejected me. Yet I never gave up on him.  I never rejected him; just the choices he made and now it is just over.  All over because that is what he wanted.  And here I am trying to hold myself together.  Trying to be a single mom.  trying to be a civil human being and I am dying inside because I still love the man who has wronged me so badly.
Then you turn the tables and it all makes sense though.  That is why he was no longer attracted to me: he stopped loving me.  He gave up our love long ago so while I sit here thinking on this attraction I have for him, I know his heart and his feelings and I am rejected all over again without him even having to whisper a word.  I feel so foolish.  I feel so alone.  I feel so mistreated and abused and all I can do at the moment is hope that maybe, just maybe there is someone out there who might one day, some day respect the love I have to offer them

weight update

So back in July I posted pictures of myself and where I was at before I started working out and making life changes.  It has been 2 1/2 months, so I figured it was time for some new pictures as well as the old ones as a reminder of how far I have come. 171.1 this morning from the 190 I was at.    



 

Looking forward to the next couple months as I continue to push.  I refuse to let winter slow me down!  Thanks for all the comments and encouragement.  It really does help.  It has been a HARD summer, but I feel like I am finally finding myself and loving her too :)

Emotional

Today I just want to cry and really it is not because I upset or angry or hurt.  I just want to cry and I was having a hard time wanting to do so when I feel I have no sad prompting to do so, but my mom said it best when she was trying to explain my tears to my two year old by saying, "mommy is just stressed and tired and this is how her body is getting it out"
Even though Josh s the one who cheated on me and is now living with another woman, he still has not done anything to perpetuate the divorce (as I figured would be the case) so basically, if I want a divorce, which I do, then I once again have to do all the work (as if I didn't have enough going on with my two babies). I have a near and dear friend though who has done a lot of the leg work for me so that I have finally started on the paperwork needed so that I can file!!!! I am doing all of this myself as I cannot afford the $5,000 most lawyers would charge. which should work as long as Josh stays cooperative.  I am going for full custody and at the moment Josh has agreed to that.  I am trying to push this divorce through as soon as possible for a couple of reasons 1. I do not like being cheated on 2. The law will get me the money that is owed to me 3. I can finally start over and possible find someone who appreciates all I have to offer.  This is going to be A LOT of work and kind of difficult as I fill out these forms, make sure I have all the right forms, hit all the deadlines, etc.  So prayers would be great and maybe a miracle to just guide me through this as I still feel very lost at the moment.  Once again, it just doesn't seem fair, I am the one stuck doing all of this, when none of this was brought to pass by my choices.  Although, I will claim as being indigent, which will helpfully keep the costs low, as well as insure what is owed to me as support from Josh. Ah, but I apologize, I am sure you all are sick of reading all of this Josh stuff, just as much as I am sick of talking about it over and over again.
I am looking forward to my cake decorating class as it is the once night A week I get 2 hours all to myself.  My parent's have been kind enough to watch the kids as I finish out my course (this is class 2 of the last course) and I am almost done! I am looking forward to decorating both Amellia's and Dorian's cakes for their birthday as well as a Halloween cake I have been commissioned to do.  I am down 1 more pound putting me at 172 and I ran a mile in 11.49 minutes (my best time).  It feels like a crawl, but it is progress! My next short term goal is to try and work out child care and stuff so that I can take a trip to the temple soon and do a session. 

Wow

The last two days I have not posted and I have literally been writhing in anger.  It was hard to not continually snap and yell at my kids and every time I thought of anything concerning Josh, this red gaze would blur my sight and all I could think, see or say was hate. I read my scriptures, prayed, ran and still I was just angry.  So much so there were things said that I regret as it did not make me feel any better and it did not help the situation.  I was tart enough to tell Josh I wish he had died in Afghanistan because at least then I would have the insurance money to support me and the kids and he would no longer be able to hurt us.  As I said I am not proud and it was a darker day or two for me, but I feel like I am finally coming out on the other side. I feel like playing with my kids.  I feel love and hope again.  I am not feeling the need to call at curse at my husband for all his selfish choices.  Today, I am back to myself.  I am focusing on my needs as well as the needs of my children.  I wish his choices didn't affect us the way they do, but I can decide how I choose to overcome all of that.  Part of the reason I tried so hard to save my marriage in the first place as for the children.  I wanted them to see I was not giving up, that I was enduring to the end.  I just need to remember that I will always have to teach that lesson, except now it is personal mastery over myself and not just patience with another.  I need to pick myself up every day and remember that I am an example.  I can cry and I can hurt, but I need to show my children how we deal with things that hurt and lashing back is not the way.  I need to show them that we endure to the end by being faithful and always trying to have and show the true love of Christ.  I am not to the point where I feel any love or forgiveness towards Josh, but I feel the love of Christ for myself enough to know that I don't deserve to feel all the hate because of his choices.  I can feel the love of Christ and the love of motherhood for my children to continue being the best I can.  Ahhh this is so hard, always trying to be the better person when sometimes al I want is to just go crazy on him. Every minute of every day I am having to withhold sending a text explaining just how crappy of a person he is by telling myself he isn't worth my time or the words I have to say and he rejected all of that a long time ago. How though can I not be so hurt and conflicted when this is the man I bet everything on, just to have him betray, deceive, and retract everything that was important to me.  He is not worth it though and I know this. Tomorrow will be the two week point that I found out he was an adulterer. 
me.  Just focus on me.  I am down another pound putting me at 172.  My overall goal weight is 135 (for now).  I went to the doctor and was tested to make sure I wasn't given an STD and everything came out clean, so I was blessed in that aspect.  My kids are having a hard time with all this change and I am trying as best as I can to meet all of their needs.  I am blessed to be living with mom and dad where that can step in and give me the moment or two I need to get on my knees and push again until bedtime.  I feel like I am treading water and sinking slowly, yet at the same time I can see the shore line and feel hope that at least I can maybe make it. 
sorry, I know I am all over the place.  Another big breath and time to quickly eat lunch while the kids nap for 30 min or so then my goal is the zoo.  I love you all!

*Deep breath*

It has been a very rough morning.  Patience is all gone, I am running on empty and am still expected to give to two sick, grumpy children.  I want to scream.  I want to yell.  So I did.  Josh texted me this morning asking how the kids were and I let him know just how difficult they had been.  At this point he offered to take them for the evening and I can't even begin to explain the seething anger that rolled through and shook my entire body.  He knew (as I had told him a year ago) if he ever ended up with this woman, our children would NEVER be allowed near her. So Josh leaves me and the kids for this woman and her child and then tries to take them over there to all be together?!  I was livid and let him know as much via text.  he said he only wanted to take care of his kids and something inside of my snapped.  I finally broke or gave in to the anger because I called him up and let him have it:
"you want to take care of the kids?  Then you shouldn't have moved in with HER!" You want to take care of the kids? Then you shouldn't have left them! You want to take care of the kids? then how about you pay me the child support you owe me! You want to take care of the kids? Then how about you man up and grow a pair, and talk to my parents or apologize or do something to show contrition so you are at least allowed over her once in a while! You do not want to take care of the kids, or you would have made some very different choices." I admit I had yelled all of this, and while I was in another room, my children still heard me yelling.  I hung up and walked back into the kitchen where my children were eating their breakfasts when my sweet little two year old looked up and chastised me by saying, "no yell at dad, mommy."  It had felt good to yell.  to cream at him for once, but that simple phrase broke my heart and I remembered why I try so hard to put my pride away.  I can feel hurt and broken without having to return it, despite the desire to do so.  This whole growing, trying, stretching thing is sooooo hard when all I want to do is punch him in the face, scream, cry and say all the mean hurtful things that I feel.
However, I already know the growth and the endurance is worth it.  What a great reminder with all the talks given in General Conference.  I felt so many of the talks were directed specifically at me, but overall there was the feeling of hope, endurance, reward.  Oh how I love my religion and my God.  The very thing I was rejected for (my religion and motherhood) are the very things that make me great.  That help me be even greater than I thought possible and what puts me in contact with greatness.  Last night a member of my church came over with ice cream and sat and talked with me.  I did not really know this lady beforehand, but like me, she is striving to be Christ-like and that is exactly what she was as she sat and listened and talked and got to know me, a fellow sister in Zion.  I love my religion for all that is blesses me with, despite the trials that strain me. 
Last night when I went running, I met a lady on the track who said hello asked how I was and of course I repeated the same inquiry.  I loved her answer when I asked her how she was she responded with "blessed."  That is exactly it.  No one wants to hear how crappy your life is and honestly, it isn't something I want to dwell on and I certainly wouldn't admit to being good, well, or great.  So like my fellow runner, I plan on using that as my answer as a reminder of everything I do have, and great is the number of my blessings!

I am...

I am strong.  I am hurting.  I am achieving.  I am turning into a runner.

Since I have ben so honest in everything, why start hiding facts now.  When I moved to Colorado I was post delivery, breastfeeding and weighing 190lbs at only 5 feet tall.  I was obese.  I was fat. I was unhappy.  My marriage was falling apart and somehow I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know what I could do.  I didn't know who I was.  It is so easy to lose oneself being a mom and a wife and although I knew what I believed in and what I stood for, all my wants and needs somehow got lost in the list of to do items.  Moving to Colorado was a very obvious new start.  Starting, however, is hard.  I started walking.  Every once in a while I would do some 15 minute cardio workout feeling like I was so healthy now that I was working on being active, but the weight wasn't coming off the way I had hoped.  A pound here, a couple weeks and maybe another pound or two.  I wasn't giving up though.
The walking turned to fast walking, and then to a couple of quick sprints, for the enjoyment of my two year old, but something was happening.  I was starting to track my progress by how much further I could walk or run.  I found a dear friend who went running with me, going my pace, but encouraging me to push as much as possible and it sucked.  I hate running I have always hated running, but somehow I was doing it.  I was accomplishing it and took so much pride the first time I went around the track (1/4 a mile) without stopping.  I dropped another few pounds and another inch or two and although I wasn't really seeing a difference, I was feeling better about myself.  so I ran so more.
I still run with this friend, but then I started running on my own at nights after the kids were in bed.  Running in the dark, alone with the thoughts that drag me down during the day and some how running went from something I hated to something that made me feel good.  Something that was therapeutic. 
Today was really difficult for me as Josh was over here to be with the kids for four hours.  The longest amount of time we have had to spend in the same area since I found out he has been unfaithful.  It was hard.  The emotions plague me and I feel the need to ask these questions that I know the answers will only hurt, but I ask anyway and I hurt.  I hurt.  I boil. I cry: all on the inside and tonight I needed out. I needed anything to calm everything, so I ran. Tonight I ran and I achieved the goal I have been working for all along.  Tonight I ran a mile without stopping! I know that may sound so small to those who are used to this sort of thing, but remember three months ago I was 190 lbs and unable to run to save my life and tonight, tonight I ran a mile and weighed in at 173 lbs.
I am finding myself.  I am focusing on myself and I am becoming what I should have been all along.  I am rediscovering my worth and I am achieving things I had only hoped for.  Tonight, I win.  Tonight I am a runner.

FInally some truth!!!

So the purpose of this post it to not only update you, but to be my journal.  For me the act of writing it down, helps me process and let go.  I am not trying to make anyone take sides or feel a certain way, but these are my feelings so realize I am sure they are biased.  I am really working on trying to 1. not feel angry as that does not benefit anyone, especially not the children and 2. not allow the choices of other people to shape or direct the direction of my life, so after that long prelude, here is a recap of a conversation Josh and I had last night:

I called because everything still felt left open ended and I needed answers to feel closure.  The thing that bothered me the most was feeling a need to know when my husband decided he no longer wanted me as a spouse.  I needed to know a time frame, if there was anything I had done, or anything I could have done more.  I got a lot of I don't knows and it isn't that simple, but after a bit of discussion Josh gave me this explanation: It happened in Afghanistan (3 1/2 years ago).  After he was wounded and nearly died (his third of fourth near death experience) he felt this was some sort of wake up call or indication he needed to change something in his life as once again he had faced death and lived.  (Now this is what I think, but I feel that because Josh felt inadequate with being LDS because of the habits he failed to break, he decided the religion overall was the thing making him unhappy) so he began looking into different religions and belief systems. He came across Thelema and decided this was the "religion" for him.  Here is a description because I had no idea what it was:

Thelema (/θəˈliːmə/; Koine Greek: [θélima]) is a religion^[1] that was developed by Aleister Crowley, the early 20th-century British writer and ceremonial magician.^[2] He believed himself to be the prophet of a new age, the Æon of Horus,^[3] based upon a spiritual experience that he and his wife, Rose Edith, had in Egypt in 1904.^[1] By his account, a possibly non-corporeal or "praeterhuman" being that called itself Aiwass contacted him and dictated a text known as The Book of the Law or Liber AL vel Legis, which outlined the principles of Thelema.^[1][4] An adherent of Thelema is a Thelemite.
The Thelemic pantheon includes a number of deities, primarily a trinity adapted from ancient Egyptian religion, who are the three speakers of The Book of the Law: Nuit, Hadit and Ra-Hoor-Khuit. The religion is founded upon the idea that the 20th century marked the beginning of the Aeon of Horus, in which a new ethical code would be followed; "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law". This statement indicates that adherents, who are known as Thelemites, should seek out and follow their own true path in life, known as their True Will^[5] rather than their egotistic desires.^[6] The philosophy also emphasizes the ritual practice of Magick.
The word "thelema" is the English transliteration of the Koine Greek noun θέλημα: "will", from the verb θέλω: to will, wish, purpose. In the New Testament as well as the works of Plato, thelema includes the ideas of will, choice, inclination, desire, including sexual desire, and pleasure.^{[citation needed]} As Crowley developed the religion, he wrote widely on the topic, producing what are collectively termed the Holy Books of Thelema. He also included ideas from occultism, Yoga and both Eastern and Western mysticism, especially the Qabalah.^[7]


Josh then said that when he found this belief system he just knew we had no future and no longer had a desire to be married to me.  I begged and pleaded for an answer as to why and all I got was "I don't know" so this is what I think, I truly believe that this is so against the very essence of what I AM and what I believe in that Josh knew it would never work, so then and there he decided he was done.  This "religion" made him feel better about himself because it justified all the actions he chose in selfishness. (Just called Josh and confronted him on this and he admitted this was in fact the reason.  he rejected me due to my religion; the same one he knew I have always stood for when he married me, and he admitted that is was due to his religion that he justified having sex with another woman while married)

Josh eventually came home.  When he left I was a wife.  When he came home he felt he needed to be a husband, a dad, a soldier, a provider and he said he couldn't do it all and I had changed.  I was a mother and that was all he could see me as.  Since he had already decided he did not want me before he came home and since he saw me in this new role, that is all I became: a mom to his child.

I have known these last 3 1/2 years something has been wrong and off and the ENTIRE time I have been fighting to get help for Josh as well as fight tooth and nail for the relationship I thought we had; for the person I thought I had married. A large part of me wishes I had not wasted that time and wishes I had no fought and held on and even that I was a fool for doing so.  However, there is another part of me that knows I have grown through this stretch in trial.  I know I have two beautiful kids because I was so loyal.  I have the knowledge that despite his cowardice in being honest about anything, I worked hard and I endured to the end.

Although this information was horribly painful to hear and digest, it has given what I needed. I will not sacrifice my religion for anyone and if that is the reason he did not want me, then he did NOT deserve me.  My beliefs are EVETYTHING and they make me the BEST person I can possibly be.  I will NEVER apologize for my religion or my beliefs and it makes me sick that he chose to throw everything that was valuable in his life away.  He is a coward, he is a fool, and I will try to pity his damned soul rather than damn mine, with unneeded anger.

Reasons I Am Enough: (part one)

*No matter how I feel, or what I am going through, I can and will ALWAYS put my children's needs first.

*Despite the extra pounds, I am beautiful and if someone actually knew me as a person they would know that too.

*Although I may need someone to lean on, I always pick myself up and never need to be carried.

*I am ALWAYS faithful.

*I am honest.

*When I love, I give everything that I am, holding nothing back.

*I am loyal.

*I am forever trying to be a better version of myself.

*I am GREAT at managing and budgeting money.

*I am determined and self driven.

*I am organized.

*I am a leader.

*I value knowledge and try to continue in educating myself on a variety of different topics.

*I am creative, allowing myself and my children activities that promote education, experience, and achievement.

*I enjoy being active and doing things that push me physically, especially when I have a partner or encouragement.

*I keep a clean and cozy home.

*I am a pretty good cook and am diligent about having a mean on the table by the time everyone gets home.

*because I am religious, and put the Lord, my God first in all things, which only allows me to be a more loving, less judgmental, more forgiving person.