Surprise!

this afternoon my two year old asked if we could go to McDonalds.  I agreed and then he asked if daddy could come.  I texted Josh and we worked it out to meet up there.  For the last four months Josh has been growing out his  facial hair (and I do not like facial hair, especially with Josh).  Well last night he had shaved and I saw his face for the first time in months today.  Seeing his face, my first thought was how attractive he was and instantly, I was disgusted with myself for finding this man attractive after all the hurt and destruction he has caused.  I felt like me finding him attractive was somehow betraying myself, disrespecting myself and my situation.  Why? How? How could I even think a positive thing toward the man who used me for so much and so long?  My stomach turned inside of me as he sat there talking to me, admitting his unfaithfulness while participating in oral sex and all the while I still couldn't stop my eyes from sliding over his body and I hated myself for it.  My mind was twisting in on itself when finally the answer hit me, taking me by surprise, although I am sure it is obvious to all of you.
A friend of mine who has been the listening ear through all of this process one night said simply, "you still love him."  I rejected this right away, denying such an accusation as how could anyone love someone who had become such a monster?  How could I love a man who willfully lied, deceived and cheated on me for years?  The truth of this hit me tonight though as I viewed my soon to be ex husband.  I found him attractive not just for the physical.  I found him attractive because despite the difficulty of all we have been through, I have been genuine and steadfast for my love of him for the last nine years and no matter the hurt or how much you try, it isn't something you just turn off.  I hate myself for loving him still as he does not deserve it, and I do not want to give him my love, but seven years ago I bound myself to him. I gave him my heart, my love, my life and now in a matter of two weeks I am doing all that I can to try and rewire all those feelings and memories and hopes.
He gave up on us.  He rejected me. Yet I never gave up on him.  I never rejected him; just the choices he made and now it is just over.  All over because that is what he wanted.  And here I am trying to hold myself together.  Trying to be a single mom.  trying to be a civil human being and I am dying inside because I still love the man who has wronged me so badly.
Then you turn the tables and it all makes sense though.  That is why he was no longer attracted to me: he stopped loving me.  He gave up our love long ago so while I sit here thinking on this attraction I have for him, I know his heart and his feelings and I am rejected all over again without him even having to whisper a word.  I feel so foolish.  I feel so alone.  I feel so mistreated and abused and all I can do at the moment is hope that maybe, just maybe there is someone out there who might one day, some day respect the love I have to offer them