Wow

The last two days I have not posted and I have literally been writhing in anger.  It was hard to not continually snap and yell at my kids and every time I thought of anything concerning Josh, this red gaze would blur my sight and all I could think, see or say was hate. I read my scriptures, prayed, ran and still I was just angry.  So much so there were things said that I regret as it did not make me feel any better and it did not help the situation.  I was tart enough to tell Josh I wish he had died in Afghanistan because at least then I would have the insurance money to support me and the kids and he would no longer be able to hurt us.  As I said I am not proud and it was a darker day or two for me, but I feel like I am finally coming out on the other side. I feel like playing with my kids.  I feel love and hope again.  I am not feeling the need to call at curse at my husband for all his selfish choices.  Today, I am back to myself.  I am focusing on my needs as well as the needs of my children.  I wish his choices didn't affect us the way they do, but I can decide how I choose to overcome all of that.  Part of the reason I tried so hard to save my marriage in the first place as for the children.  I wanted them to see I was not giving up, that I was enduring to the end.  I just need to remember that I will always have to teach that lesson, except now it is personal mastery over myself and not just patience with another.  I need to pick myself up every day and remember that I am an example.  I can cry and I can hurt, but I need to show my children how we deal with things that hurt and lashing back is not the way.  I need to show them that we endure to the end by being faithful and always trying to have and show the true love of Christ.  I am not to the point where I feel any love or forgiveness towards Josh, but I feel the love of Christ for myself enough to know that I don't deserve to feel all the hate because of his choices.  I can feel the love of Christ and the love of motherhood for my children to continue being the best I can.  Ahhh this is so hard, always trying to be the better person when sometimes al I want is to just go crazy on him. Every minute of every day I am having to withhold sending a text explaining just how crappy of a person he is by telling myself he isn't worth my time or the words I have to say and he rejected all of that a long time ago. How though can I not be so hurt and conflicted when this is the man I bet everything on, just to have him betray, deceive, and retract everything that was important to me.  He is not worth it though and I know this. Tomorrow will be the two week point that I found out he was an adulterer. 
me.  Just focus on me.  I am down another pound putting me at 172.  My overall goal weight is 135 (for now).  I went to the doctor and was tested to make sure I wasn't given an STD and everything came out clean, so I was blessed in that aspect.  My kids are having a hard time with all this change and I am trying as best as I can to meet all of their needs.  I am blessed to be living with mom and dad where that can step in and give me the moment or two I need to get on my knees and push again until bedtime.  I feel like I am treading water and sinking slowly, yet at the same time I can see the shore line and feel hope that at least I can maybe make it. 
sorry, I know I am all over the place.  Another big breath and time to quickly eat lunch while the kids nap for 30 min or so then my goal is the zoo.  I love you all!