Date Set

Although we are still waiting to see if the insurance company will accept the breast reduction as medically necessary (which I really don't see how they could deny it) the date for the reduction has been scheduled: December 26th!  Merry Christmas to me!  What does this mean?  This means I will have a pair of breasts that are finally proportionate with the rest of my body.  This means I will have relief with my back pain.  I will be more mobile and will no longer have to buy bras online only as that is the only place I can find them large enough.  It means I no longer have to be self conscious about how one breast is still larger than my one year old daughter's head.  I don't have to worry about extensive care of trying to keep these bad boys from sweating all year long.  I no longer have to worry about buying shirts that are too big and don't fit in the arms, just so there is enough room for my boobs! It means, that because lasik isn't covered by insurance and will be out of pocket, that I can file after Christmas and start the new year right!  It means I am one step closer to a new me and a divorce.

Having said all that, I am remembering the good mood I was in this morning when those plans were made, but am really struggling emotionally tonight.  Stupid stuff seems to set me off and it takes forever to get control of myself again, only adding to the issues I have in the first place.  Let me explain:
Tonight I planned on working on fondant pieces for a cake I am putting together soon. I have a deadline and have a lot that still needs to be done.  I went to get my vanilla extract (the expensive kind I buy because it is clear and will not tint my icing as well as making it work as a glue that does not stain when sticking together pieces of fondant.  I do not have the opportunity to work during the day as I am a single mom 24-7.  I am up at 6 every morning and try to be in bed by 10 just to be able to function as both children still wake me up multiple times during the night.  So I finally get the children asleep at 8 which gives me a two hour window to work, which makes it worth it just enough to pull everything out and work as long as I can before I have another two hour slot.  Anyway, I go to get this vanilla, where I keep put it, along with the other baking/cake stuff I have.  Well it wasn't there.  after 15 minutes of searching the island and my room I finally ask my mom if she moved it, as I have nothing else in the house that will work.  She casually mentioned she had moved it to the food storage as she had already informed me she had some and we didn't need more than one upstairs.  The stuff my mom has is not clear, therefore would not work.  I mumbled something under my breath and ran all the way to the basement to look for it.  At which point my daughter starts screaming again and I waste another ten minutes looking for this vanilla and not finding it.  My stress is through the roof, I am exhausted.  I have such little time to myself to do anything and here I am spending this time trying to work and I can't even do that. I was mad. So mad because I was told where to put my stuff and even then my items are moved around.  Reality of me being a visitor hits me hard and I scream.  I scream because I am so stressed and mad because I will probably have to live here for years because my husband abandoned me.  I don't have a space or time to call my own because my husband abandoned me.  I return up to the second floor to ask my mom where in the food storage she put my vanilla and she went and got it.  when she handed it to me she very nicely said, "I would appreciate it if you don't get so mad at me; I make mistakes too."
This fueled my anger.  Not at her.  Not even at Josh, but at myself.  I always feel like I am not good enough.  I can't be the mom I want because I am stretched so thin trying to be mom and dad.  I can't be the person I want as I am still picking up pieces.  I feel so inadequate ALL the time.  I snap, I break down, I zone out, I am probably guilty of every vice because I don't know how to hold myself together after all of this.  here my mom was just trying to keep her house orderly because it is HER house and I went and upset her because I can't keep myself together.  Being the person she is, she has probably already forgotten about it, but for me, it is just another blinding reminder of how far I have to go to even just be a normal person and it kills me that I am going through this.  That I never am enough for myself and how I feel I am still never enough for my children, or anyone else around me.  I don't know how to make this better other than by doing what I am doing, but how is that enough when this is what I still am.  I cried and mumbled to myself for close to half an hour only to come upstairs and write about it now, completely throwing any time meant for productivity out the window.  I just hate it.  I hate it all.  I still hate parts of myself.  I still hate my situation.  I still hate Josh and I hate that I hate. I am just so tired.  All the time tired. Tired of everything.