Today my "husband" moved down to Fountain Colorado with his mistress and her daughter. I have been trying really hard to forget that fact and squelch the anger that begins to boil anew when I think of his betrayal and abandonment all over again. I feel a little sorry for myself, wishing I had the things I was promised: someone here by my side holding me; loving me, someone to help me upkeep the house and chores, and someone to help me raise the children. Instead, it is just me.
I am working really hard on trying to be enough for myself and enough for my kids, while slowly finding the holes and stopping them from pouring out what little I have left. I am working really hard on trying to rely on myself and my Lord and not expecting or relying on others to give me what I "need." I am learning I need to find these "holes" and repair them myself so that when I am able and ready to date again, I do not just jump into something purely for the fact it fills up these holes that are draining me. I am trying to see that I can take full responsibility; I can be happy on my own and with myself. If I rely on the Lord, I can do it all. Much easier said than done, and everyday is a new fight, but this is what I am working on.
I look forward with great hope to my divorce as the last nine years have been nothing short of one trail after another and I honestly believe it was meant for the purpose of Josh. I agree something just happen, but I believe many of us are given trials to stretch our growth and humble us in remembrance of the Lord and the love and support he constantly offers us. Now I am not saying that I have not learned ad gain from the trials I have been through, but I feel I have been given insight that a lot of what I went through was given as an opportunity for Josh to return to the man he once was; he however chose differently, prolonging the hardships as he was given chance after chance. I say this and bring it up and I believe once I am can finally b done with him, and be to a point where I can move on, the my life will get easier. Now I am very aware I will still have trials and hardships, but I have been through the ringer and back and I truly believe there is a breath of fresh air, at the end of this. This is what I keep reminding myself today because although I know all of this in my heart to be true, I still hurt. It still hurts me so deeply that I have been treated the way I have. It hurts me so deeply that my husband "fell out of love with me" and then led me on for years. It hurts that when I am feeling utterly alone, I do not have warm arms to hold and comfort me; yet he does, because he is unfaithful. I remind myself how great it will be to be done with him, because despite it all, I still remember what it was that made me love him; choose him; fight for him.
I am sure you hurt still about this, but feel good about the fact that you tried with everything you had in you to make it work. You put 100% effort into it..tried to get him help, help together..but it comes down to the fact if he didn't want it to work no matter how much you put into it..it wasn't going to work. So yes the hurt is there, but take pride in the fact that you were not the one to give it up and you were not the one that did not try.
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