I didn’t think that I would still be here, but I am.  I didn’t think I would allow myself to take the continual torture of each new revelation or admittance while I stay and bleed inside at all the hurt I feel.  No, I am not trying to make myself the martyr.  However, I made a covenant with my Father in Heaven and with my husband and despite his lack of respect for these covenants, I choose to honor mine.  I choose to stay and fulfill my duty.  At the moment I don’t know how to do this duty.  There is just so much anger and hurt over the newest revelations and I want to run.  I want to run away and wipe my hands clean saying I tried all I could, but in my heart I know I am supposed to stay.  Am I supposed to mend my broken heart and his too?  That hardly seems fair when he is the one who cheated on me.  How, how do I get over this pride of claiming the victim?  How do I mend when I feel there is nothing left inside of me to give away? 

Breathe.  Just breathe.

I am not alone; it just feels that way.  Focus on me.  I am the only one who can control me: my actions and reactions.  Focus on my children to teach them the principles that carry me during this time.  Focus on my home as a majority of the time it is I who set the spirit within these walls.  Kneel. Pray.  Seek. Breathe.

A Little Longer

I know I have been very back and forth as to what would happen in the next couple of days, but as you are aware this is a big decision and one I have thought on and prayed about.  Despite the night I wrote about, my husband has made an effort to show me he does not want me to leave and that he is willing to work and change some areas in order show me how he values our marriage.  As you know I was ready to walk out on Monday, but since there has been a change I will extend my timeline by a few weeks to see if this behavior continues.  In order to stay for good, I need him to continue to do all that he has done for me this week, plus more.  I need some of the things I have listed in previous posts as I very much doubt the love and relationship we have after the incident of him calling me the wrong name.  Otherwise, I will leave in a couple of weeks when my mom can help me move cross country with my two children.  I am happy and touched that an effort is being made; I just think it is sad that it had to get to this point in order to initiate action.  I will be here a tad bit longer and I ask again for your prayers to help give me guidance and strength.  Of course I will keep everyone updated.

Lost

Last night was a disappointment.  I had been leaning towards staying as I saw he was clearly doing all that he knew how to try and put me first, but last night that was not the case.  I shouldn’t be hurt as this has happened time and time again, but I don’t understand it.  If I had done something to make my souse want to leave me I would do EVERYTHING in the world possible to try and convince them I am sorry and to stay with me. Wouldn’t you go above and beyond?  Wouldn’t you give 200%?  I thought I would have an answer today as to whether I was for sure leaving Monday or not and as of right now I really feel like it could go either way, and now I am honestly more set on leaving Monday now as I feel three days of dedication to me were too much.  I really am not asking for that much and if he did the simple tasks of reading my blog in trying to get to know me, he would know what I need (although I have shared all of this with him a million times before).  Look at me up and down, back and forth.  Yesterday I was gaining hope and today I am losing it.

Two days

For two days there has been an effort made.  Sadly, at this point it isn’t enough, but it has caught my attention enough to possibly alter my plans a little.  My mom when hearing I was coming home said that if I could wait a couple of weeks until she was back in town, she would be able to fly out and help me drive home so as not having to do so with two kids under the age of two by myself.  At first I dismissed this idea as I told my husband I was leaving Monday and I wanted him to know I was serious, I wanted him to know I plan to follow through.  However, if he continues to try for the rest of the week the way he has I will take my mom up on her offer and give him and extra week or two to show him that I notice the effort and he has a little bit more time to try and start fixing what has been destroyed.  This also I hope will help him see that I am not walking out on him, instead it is his actions that determine what happens to our family.  To be honest I have not expected what I have been receiving and it gives me hope that the man I married does still exist within the man I am currently sharing a house with.  I am just scared to hope with all the disappointment I have felt for the last little while.  He is meeting the terms and conditions I laid out to him, I guess now I am just hoping he gives the extra.  I hope that even when I tell him to leave me alone he still chooses to come and hold me.  I hope he will try and express either through word or letter what I mean to him and why I should stay yet again.  I hope he apologies over and over until I can let it go, knowing with a surety is remorseful of his actions and no longer justifying them.  I hope he puts time and thought into finding a way to make me feel special after tearing me down for so long.  I hope he finds ways to show me that there is still love there…not for my kids, or for the family as a while as I have never doubted his love for them, but proof that he loves me.  These are the things I need to making staying worth it for me.  So for now, I leave Monday unless he continues on the path he is on, in which case I will extend my stay out here another couple weeks in hopes he can meet the things listed above, otherwise I will go home with my mom and wait for him to decide what he wants.

Next Monday

I know I have said this before, but I am pretty sure my marriage is over now.  I plan on leaving with the kids on Monday (a week from today) and going to Colorado at which time my husband can decided what he wants in his life.  There were several things this weekend that initiated this process, but the straw that broke my proverbial back was last night when he called me by the name of the woman he had an emotional affair with in his sleep.  So today I plan on making list and organizing and deciding what will fit in my car and what I will take with us.  That gives me the rest of the week to prepare and get things in order so that I can make the two day drive with two very young kids done as smoothly as possibly.  This also means Josh has one more week.  Not that I expect it to do any good.  He isn’t one to fight for what he wants, so he won’t fight for me.  I imagine it will be the same pacifist attitude of standing by watching me do all the work; watching me walk away.   This is a stupid move of action because despite all the bitterness, anger and sorrow I feel towards him, I still am having a hard time walking away.  That’s the difference too, I am not ending my marriage, I am walking away to distance myself from his constant stupidity (in term of his choices and actions, not him as a person).  I am walking away in hopes of gaining perspective or in hopes of finding some sort of answer because I cannot live a life like this.  I have tried not for over a year and there is just nothing left to give.  I hate to admit, but he could still change my mind, but he would have to actually try.  He would have to write me love letters and apologies, give me the words of affirmation I have been seeking for so long.  Give me time.  He would have to curl up in bed with me and hold me the way he once did.  In essence he would have to show me he loved me the way I have been asking him to show me for the last year.  However, he seems to have already given up, so maybe it is time for me to accept the inevitable and finally do the same.

Through the Years

The candle light dances and flickers across my wall.  Every time I adjust my position of the bed I get a small whiff of the vanilla fragrance, warming the cold dark room.  The large white comforter rustles beneath me as I roll over onto my back in order to more fully belt out the lyrics to the long song playing on my boom box.  Life is lonely, and the lonely lovesick songs make me feel better.  The dancing shadows of the flame ignite the emotions I try to hide within myself throughout the day.  Now is my time to let go; to feel.  I close my eyes and feel the darkness, I smell the vanilla, and I feel the fluff of the down comforter beneath me.  It is only in this moment that I feel alive.  Everything else throughout the day are tasks meant to be completed, a person I am supposed to be, expectations to be met, but here in the darkness, in my solitude, I am me. 

Life is a busy whir around me; always reading, always a paper, always learning.  Although I enjoy school, it wears me thin and I become lost in everything I learn.  The heavy backpack pulls at my back and the knowledge of tests in the near future causes me panic.  I am a well balanced working machine, scheduling out classes, meals, work, homework and even sleep.  I thought I would find myself in my school work, but instead I found how much I lacked, so I push and push. I am a student by day, a tutor in the evening and a wife at night.  I wear several different faces and I am not sure which one is the “real” me.  Yet late at night, when my husband is asleep and I am wrapped in his arms, I close my eyes and feel the darkness.  I feel his love.  I feel me.

If I thought life was busy before, it doesn’t hold a candle to this woman who surprisingly has two little children pulling at her pants and playing at her feet.  My life is a continuation of the day before, always the same thing.  Always tired.  The things I attached myself to earlier in life have changed are either no longer important or have lost value.  It is a struggle to get through each day as I feel I no longer have the support and love of my husband, but I am still here.  I watch my children explore and grow and my heart swells with love, pride and joy despite my circumstances and I know for a fact who I am.  I am mom.  Even in the couple quiet moments to myself, I am still most satisfied when thinking on my children.  I still feel the sorrow and loneliness as I did when a teenager and I still feel like I am nothing more than a machine meant to complete tasks, but now I know who I am.  It keeps me strong when I want to give up and gives me hope of brighter days.  That is why I go out of my way to orchestrate activities.  That is why my entire life and schedule revolve around these two little beings sleeping close to me.  I still find other things to validate my existence and accomplishments, but that is not who I am, only what I can do. I am mom, hear me roar.

Anger and Relief

I plan on being brief as I am still not sure how to process this, but here is where I am at: my husband for the last six months has had his very own checking account, in which he has been selling plasma to put money into.  Then recently he took family money to put into this checking account unknown to me.  When I confronted him about the missing money I was lied to, until finally the truth of the secret bank account came out.  To be honest, I don’t care that he has an account of his own, what bothers me is the continual lying and sneaking around my back.  I was angered and at my wits end, literally willing and wanting to walk out of my house and my marriage as there doesn’t seem to be a point in trying when even now I am not treated as an equal in this relationship if I do not know the truth.  It was at this point that I found my wedding ring.  There is no explanation as to why my wedding ring was in my daughter’s car seat as I remember exactly where it was at in the hotel when I thought I lost it.  I know that finding the ring was an answer to my prayer and if I took the losing it as a bad omen, I needed to take finding it as a good one.  I was still very enraged and hurt by my husband but later that night when my son threw up on my husband he still let my son crawl into his lap.  My son vomited four times and three of those times were directly on my husband and yet he still always allowed our son to crawl back onto his lap so that he could get the comfort and love he was seeking for from his father.  It was a comfort to watch this man I don’t know anymore still be the very best father and my heart was softened.  Honestly, I still have no idea where my marriage is at and I do feel as if I am ready to give up.  I continue to pray for answers, strength and guidance, but feel I am still coming up short.  I am open to advice and seek for your prayers to help strengthen me through all of this.  I know I have been asking that a lot as of late, but I know it is really the only thing anyone can do to help me out and I admit I am in desperate need of help.

Blast to the Past

The other day I was driving down the road on my way to a baby shower when I remembered I had a new pack of gum in the car that I wanted to try.  As I opened the pack of gum I was instantly transported to my sophomore year of high school as I pulled the light blue berry smackers from the top pocket of my navy blue backpack and applied the glittery wax to my lips.  Then in another instant I was back in my car still driving to a baby shower.  It’s amazing to me how smells trigger a memory so intensely when obviously it was not even a memory that was important.  For an instant I was remiss that the memory ended just as quickly as it came as I thought back to being fifteen again with few responsibilities.  Then I remembered the awkward insecurities of self doubt and depression and preferred my task of going to a baby shower.  Sometime I wonder if these memories are significant, if only to remind us of how far we have come in life, or if it is just a trick of the body and mind.  What do you think?

“Those Lovein’ Feelings”

So as many of you know, this last weekend my little sister was married for time and all eternity in the Nashville Tennessee temple.  It was such an honor to be a part of her special day and to be able to feel through her the emotions of being so madly in love as one makes the commitment to share their life with another.  Of course, attending a wedding make you reflect on your own and I was burdened once again as I viewed the immense struggles Josh and I have gone through this year to still be feeling just as distant and unresolved as ever.   I shared once again all my concerns and reservations with my husband, only to have the same rhetoric repeated and although I was elated my sister was feeling as high as she was for finding her mate, I was on the other hand remorse at where my marriage had taken me.  How could I feel elated at my own marriage when my husband could not even sit beside me at the sealing or participate in the sacred endowment?  How can I be strong enough for my whole family?  Of course I tried to keep these feelings within me so as to not take from my sister’s special day, so instead I tried my hardest to feel the love she had for her new husband to try and remind me why I was bonded to the man I am.  It was throughout this same weekend I lost my wedding ring.  Needless to say I was devastated.  If ever there was a ring that fit me, it was that ring and there is no way we can replace it as one it is discontinued and two we could never afford a ring like that again.  I began feeling sorry for myself all over again: just another thing in my life lost.  It felt awfully symbolic.  However, I feel I am finally seeing an effort in my husband’s part and so while he tries, I will continue to try.  I truly believe I am here in life and situation for a reason; I am just trying to maintain the strength needed to continue to traverse it.  I still love my husband, sometimes I just have a hard time feeling it because the hurt numbs the love. 

"Just like me"

This last week I have had my family in town which of course is always fun, but something that my mom kept saying to me over and over in regards to my son was, “he does that just like you did.”  Obviously I don’t have any recollection of myself at two to compare, but I found myself claiming traits in my son that I feel I possess.  For example, my son is very stubborn and strong willed, a trait I also have in myself.  My mom and I were talking about how this was a necessary trait for a leader and I was proud to take credit for this in my son’s personality.  Then I stopped and thought about it and felt silly for claiming my son’s personality traits.  I noticed however, I am not the only one who does this as I have encountered countless couples who claim, oh that’s so and so child, etc, etc. and it made me wonder why we as parents feel the need to claim possession of the traits we admire in our children.  This is what I came up with: raising children without a doubt is a full time job.  24-7 we are putting all we have into raising our children, but parenthood is also very different from other jobs or occupations as we are not paid a salary and many days our hard work goes unnoticed.  I think we encourage ourselves with a job well done when our children make us proud and we can see something substantial and positive come from our child as a result of this hard work.  What are your thoughts on this?

Body is a Drug

My husband and I were talking about the veil a little while ago and how our carnal bodies are the restraint on our spirits, limiting our vision and even our understanding as we traverse this life.  That’s when this analogy hit me.  Our bodies are like a drug for the spirit.  Think about it this way: our carnal bodies literally bind our spirit, limiting the things it can process as it is overwhelmed as our bodies block most everything except the senses.  Life is the “high” and “low” as we experience this quite literal, “other world” sensation.  Now I don’t have much experience at all with drugs other than narcotics I tool after my car accident, but I remember how they dulled my mind, separating my mind from my experiences in order to deal with the pain I was experiencing.  My other little knowledge comes from my loved one who experimented with several different varieties and shared with me a few situations where he would be having a conversation and feel like the things they were discussing were the most insightful, intelligent things man could think up when in reality it was often no more than trivial talk.  I feel that can also translate in my analogy as our carnal minds try their hardest to grasp spiritual matters.  I know I have this high elation when I finally understand, or gain a new understand of a gospel principal I have been struggling with.  I feel like I finally have the understanding I need when in truth we still only understand the very basics of the gospel that is offered us on the other side of the veil. 

My favorite part of the day

As a mother I often times get overwhelmed with the tasks that are expected of me.  I feel like I am always in mommy mode as my day consists of feedings, diapers, cleaning and teachings.  After the children are asleep (if they happen to be sleeping at the same time) I get an hour or so before I head to bed myself.  So for an hour a day I am able to be a me that doesn’t involve “mom” duty, though to be honest most of this time is also dedicated to my children as I prep for the next day or scrapbook the events in my children life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the calling of mother, but as you know it can become exhausting.  My son is in the habit of waking up at the five o’clock hour and rather than starting my day at such a ridiculous hour I instead welcome him to join me in bed for the extra hour of sleep.  My son although loving, likes his space and hugs and kisses are asked for if I want to receive them.  However, in his lethargic state he always request to hold my hand as he falls back to sleep.  This is my favorite time of day as I am allowed the opportunity to be a mom (physically, emotionally, etc) without disrupting my routine or needs.  What a blessing it is to share this quiet moment every morning with my son.