“Those Lovein’ Feelings”

So as many of you know, this last weekend my little sister was married for time and all eternity in the Nashville Tennessee temple.  It was such an honor to be a part of her special day and to be able to feel through her the emotions of being so madly in love as one makes the commitment to share their life with another.  Of course, attending a wedding make you reflect on your own and I was burdened once again as I viewed the immense struggles Josh and I have gone through this year to still be feeling just as distant and unresolved as ever.   I shared once again all my concerns and reservations with my husband, only to have the same rhetoric repeated and although I was elated my sister was feeling as high as she was for finding her mate, I was on the other hand remorse at where my marriage had taken me.  How could I feel elated at my own marriage when my husband could not even sit beside me at the sealing or participate in the sacred endowment?  How can I be strong enough for my whole family?  Of course I tried to keep these feelings within me so as to not take from my sister’s special day, so instead I tried my hardest to feel the love she had for her new husband to try and remind me why I was bonded to the man I am.  It was throughout this same weekend I lost my wedding ring.  Needless to say I was devastated.  If ever there was a ring that fit me, it was that ring and there is no way we can replace it as one it is discontinued and two we could never afford a ring like that again.  I began feeling sorry for myself all over again: just another thing in my life lost.  It felt awfully symbolic.  However, I feel I am finally seeing an effort in my husband’s part and so while he tries, I will continue to try.  I truly believe I am here in life and situation for a reason; I am just trying to maintain the strength needed to continue to traverse it.  I still love my husband, sometimes I just have a hard time feeling it because the hurt numbs the love.