I know I have said this before, but I am pretty sure my
marriage is over now. I plan on leaving
with the kids on Monday (a week from today) and going to Colorado at which time
my husband can decided what he wants in his life. There were several things this weekend that
initiated this process, but the straw that broke my proverbial back was last
night when he called me by the name of the woman he had an emotional affair
with in his sleep. So today I plan on
making list and organizing and deciding what will fit in my car and what I will
take with us. That gives me the rest of
the week to prepare and get things in order so that I can make the two day
drive with two very young kids done as smoothly as possibly. This also means Josh has one more week. Not that I expect it to do any good. He isn’t one to fight for what he wants, so
he won’t fight for me. I imagine it will
be the same pacifist attitude of standing by watching me do all the work; watching
me walk away. This is a stupid move of
action because despite all the bitterness, anger and sorrow I feel towards him,
I still am having a hard time walking away.
That’s the difference too, I am not ending my marriage, I am walking
away to distance myself from his constant stupidity (in term of his choices and
actions, not him as a person). I am
walking away in hopes of gaining perspective or in hopes of finding some sort
of answer because I cannot live a life like this. I have tried not for over a year and there is
just nothing left to give. I hate to
admit, but he could still change my mind, but he would have to actually
try. He would have to write me love
letters and apologies, give me the words of affirmation I have been seeking for
so long. Give me time. He would have to curl up in bed with me and
hold me the way he once did. In essence
he would have to show me he loved me the way I have been asking him to show me
for the last year. However, he seems to
have already given up, so maybe it is time for me to accept the inevitable and
finally do the same.
Oh, Cherish, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how difficult this decision must be. My prayers will be with you and the kids. If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask. I work from home and my time is usually my own. Have you had a blessing? My husband is really good at them and I'll volunteer him. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Beverly, I had my father in town last week and received one then, but I will certainly keep that offer in mind as there is always use for the spirit and guidance the blessings offer. Thank you so much for your prayers right now, that is what will help us the most at the moment.
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