Today I just want to cry and really it is not because I upset or angry or hurt. I just want to cry and I was having a hard time wanting to do so when I feel I have no sad prompting to do so, but my mom said it best when she was trying to explain my tears to my two year old by saying, "mommy is just stressed and tired and this is how her body is getting it out"
Even though Josh s the one who cheated on me and is now living with another woman, he still has not done anything to perpetuate the divorce (as I figured would be the case) so basically, if I want a divorce, which I do, then I once again have to do all the work (as if I didn't have enough going on with my two babies). I have a near and dear friend though who has done a lot of the leg work for me so that I have finally started on the paperwork needed so that I can file!!!! I am doing all of this myself as I cannot afford the $5,000 most lawyers would charge. which should work as long as Josh stays cooperative. I am going for full custody and at the moment Josh has agreed to that. I am trying to push this divorce through as soon as possible for a couple of reasons 1. I do not like being cheated on 2. The law will get me the money that is owed to me 3. I can finally start over and possible find someone who appreciates all I have to offer. This is going to be A LOT of work and kind of difficult as I fill out these forms, make sure I have all the right forms, hit all the deadlines, etc. So prayers would be great and maybe a miracle to just guide me through this as I still feel very lost at the moment. Once again, it just doesn't seem fair, I am the one stuck doing all of this, when none of this was brought to pass by my choices. Although, I will claim as being indigent, which will helpfully keep the costs low, as well as insure what is owed to me as support from Josh. Ah, but I apologize, I am sure you all are sick of reading all of this Josh stuff, just as much as I am sick of talking about it over and over again.
I am looking forward to my cake decorating class as it is the once night A week I get 2 hours all to myself. My parent's have been kind enough to watch the kids as I finish out my course (this is class 2 of the last course) and I am almost done! I am looking forward to decorating both Amellia's and Dorian's cakes for their birthday as well as a Halloween cake I have been commissioned to do. I am down 1 more pound putting me at 172 and I ran a mile in 11.49 minutes (my best time). It feels like a crawl, but it is progress! My next short term goal is to try and work out child care and stuff so that I can take a trip to the temple soon and do a session.
I thought about you all through conference and how fortunate I have been to know you through this ordeal. Your example has been astounding! This reminds me of my husbands raising and how his parents basicaly didn't help him with anything after he turned 16. He had to work, pay his own I surance, they wouldn't consign on anything he needed help with. It just didn't seem fair, but looking back, he can be proud of doing it all on his own. I know the comparison is different, but you'll be proud of all your accomplishments! Happiness is the best revenge! Love you!!
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