I am...

I am strong.  I am hurting.  I am achieving.  I am turning into a runner.

Since I have ben so honest in everything, why start hiding facts now.  When I moved to Colorado I was post delivery, breastfeeding and weighing 190lbs at only 5 feet tall.  I was obese.  I was fat. I was unhappy.  My marriage was falling apart and somehow I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know what I could do.  I didn't know who I was.  It is so easy to lose oneself being a mom and a wife and although I knew what I believed in and what I stood for, all my wants and needs somehow got lost in the list of to do items.  Moving to Colorado was a very obvious new start.  Starting, however, is hard.  I started walking.  Every once in a while I would do some 15 minute cardio workout feeling like I was so healthy now that I was working on being active, but the weight wasn't coming off the way I had hoped.  A pound here, a couple weeks and maybe another pound or two.  I wasn't giving up though.
The walking turned to fast walking, and then to a couple of quick sprints, for the enjoyment of my two year old, but something was happening.  I was starting to track my progress by how much further I could walk or run.  I found a dear friend who went running with me, going my pace, but encouraging me to push as much as possible and it sucked.  I hate running I have always hated running, but somehow I was doing it.  I was accomplishing it and took so much pride the first time I went around the track (1/4 a mile) without stopping.  I dropped another few pounds and another inch or two and although I wasn't really seeing a difference, I was feeling better about myself.  so I ran so more.
I still run with this friend, but then I started running on my own at nights after the kids were in bed.  Running in the dark, alone with the thoughts that drag me down during the day and some how running went from something I hated to something that made me feel good.  Something that was therapeutic. 
Today was really difficult for me as Josh was over here to be with the kids for four hours.  The longest amount of time we have had to spend in the same area since I found out he has been unfaithful.  It was hard.  The emotions plague me and I feel the need to ask these questions that I know the answers will only hurt, but I ask anyway and I hurt.  I hurt.  I boil. I cry: all on the inside and tonight I needed out. I needed anything to calm everything, so I ran. Tonight I ran and I achieved the goal I have been working for all along.  Tonight I ran a mile without stopping! I know that may sound so small to those who are used to this sort of thing, but remember three months ago I was 190 lbs and unable to run to save my life and tonight, tonight I ran a mile and weighed in at 173 lbs.
I am finding myself.  I am focusing on myself and I am becoming what I should have been all along.  I am rediscovering my worth and I am achieving things I had only hoped for.  Tonight, I win.  Tonight I am a runner.