Woke Up In a Panic

This morning I woke up at six o’clock and realized besides my one trip to the bathroom I hadn’t woken up all night.  This is very unusual for me seeing as I am an incredibly light sleeper.  Turing onto my side or even my growing baby’s kicks often wake me up and innumerable amount of times throughout the night.  Well, I guess I looked the gift horse in the mouth because instead of being grateful, instantly I panicked.  Why hadn’t my baby girl moved all night?  I instantly began massaging my belly in hopes of making her kick to give me some sort of reassurance.  After a couple minutes, I still wasn’t feeling anything and my panic hit a whole new level.  I woke my husband up to have him help me massage my belly and expressed my fear. The two of us began rubbing my belly, despite the contractions and still we weren’t feeling anything.  My heart jumped to the worst possible scenarios and I started imagining my little girl all twisted and chocked in her umbilical cord.  I began crying, which sent Josh into a panic.  I told him I needed to use the restroom and then would need to go into the hospital.  After reliving myself I felt a little kick.  A kick so light I began to doubt I felt it.  Then I felt a swish, deep inside and I knew although they were little movements my little girl was moving.  Although I still feared something was wrong, relief washed over me I had memories of my past miscarriage rush into my mind and the complete devastation I would have felt had I needed to go through such a trial again.

Josh and I decided that since I had a doctor’s appointment that morning we would put off going to the hospital unless there was further concern.  From six in the morning to my visit to my doctor at eleven I had only felt my little girl move three times and expressed this concern to my doctor as well as recounting the contractions I was having.  My doctor was concerned and sent us over to labor and delivery after we scheduled my c-section for October 17 (a day after my son’s birthday as that was when my doctor is on call).  We spent two hours in labor and delivery where they monitored my baby’s heart rate and my contractions.  Although I was having contractions, they weren’t changing my cervix and the baby’s heart rate was strong that we were sent home with directions to come back if things got any worse.  It was such a relief to hear and feel my little girl move around after the scare she gave me this morning and I am so excited to meet her.  Six more weeks and I will have a sweet little girl in our family.

Busy, busy, busy

When I first became a mother I had a hard time managing my responsibilities from who I was a as a person.  I had thrown myself into motherhood, that in just a matter of months I felt like I had lost who I was.  At least I recognized what I was doing and decided to find the things I would have time for while being a mother that edified me.  That’s actually why I started this blog.  My spectrum has grown over the last year and half and I am amazed how much I love doing what I do because I still get to do what I enjoy.  This last month especially has been a burden, which sparked this crazy notion to start all these new projects and be in control of them all including:

Busy Bag Swap: A friend and I created a group where we got together a group of twelve women who wanted to participate.  We each chose a month and make busy bag (or activity bags) for children ages 2-3.  We built this group from the ground up; organizing and setting guidelines and even contributing the first couple moths so that the other women knew what to expect.  This means I am constantly sifting through people requesting to the group as well and keeping the group excited, answering questions and posting ideas.  I have always been a hands on crafty person and love the opportunity to do crafts, especially when it benefits my child and me as a source of entertainment.

Book Club:  While I was visiting home over the summer my siblings and I were talking books, which if you know me is always a conversation I enjoy.  We found many of us had been putting off books we have wanted to read and were astonished that we had several of the same books on our list.  I suggested the idea of a book club and instantly my siblings were interested although neither of them had the time nor desire to organize the task.  So once again, I took it upon myself to become team leader as I made a list of books that were on everyone’s list, while making sure to include a range of different literature.  Seeing as we all live in different cities we needed a way to communicate our ideas on our reads and decided that I should create a private blog and post questions that each participant would respond to.  On top of organizing the blog I will write the questions as well as send out information on the author, the book, and the time in which the book was written.  I am very excited to be able to discuss literature on a more intimate level while having the change to read new pieces of literature that I have not gotten around to.

As you can see, both of these are yearlong commitments and I am thrilled to be a part of and have organized both although there are days I feel I am taking just a little too much onto my plate.  However, it is through this stretching that I get to know myself in new ways while doing the things I enjoy.

What edifies you? What are your accomplishments?  Leave a comment so I can see just how awesome you are too J

A Full Heart

I cannot even put into words the happiness I am feeling right now!  As many of you know we have been faced with the reenlistment predicament for a while now.  Josh found out today that he has until September 30^th to decide.  As you can imagine this is a topic that has been discussed non-stop in our house as we try to decide what is best for our family.  For those of you who are regular readers, you are aware that my dad offered to help Josh get a job with his company, which would allow Josh to be doing the same thing he is doing for the Army.  I have been touched and encouraged that Josh and my father have shared many conversations with one another about this opportunity.  Josh has informed me for the last week that he has been leaning towards getting out, but that he still has not made up his mind.  This gave me such hope as I feel the Army has nothing left to offer us. 

During mine and Josh’s conversation last night he admitted that he feared leaving the army and that it would be easier for him to face another deployment than the prospects of getting out, even though that’s the choice he felt would be best for our family.  This is a huge break through as many times I pointed out this fear as a shackle, which he denied and usually got upset about.  I can only imagine as the Army is more than just a job or a career; it is a lifestyle and something we have known for the better part of our married life.  For the last three years we have gone through a lot and we both have changed, and it was in the Army that these changes were made that the civilian life seems impossible with all its uncertainties.  So much of him feels like a warrior and he doesn’t know how he can be a warrior and a civilian; making this choice a huge stress and burden on him as he is forced to decide what is right not only for him, but for his wife and kids as well.

When I talked to Josh today he brought up how those fears were making it hard for him to commit to the choice he felt was right, but deep down he had already decided: he thinks it would be in our best interest to get out of the Army and take the job with my father.  I am so happy that for the first time in months Josh and I agree on something and that this something is a big life changing something.  I am still fearful that the doubts he has might come again to the surface before September 30^th come around.  I would be devastated if Josh changes his mind now, knowing that we both feel this is the right choice.  However, faith and hope have carried me this far that I am confident in knowing the Lord will provide.  I am so excited and have so much to look forward to now, as come June I will no longer have to worry about impending deployments, months at JRTC, weeks in the field, and pay we scrape by on.  Instead we will be close to family, make double what we do now, have hours that would benefit our lives and relationships and give us the opportunity to grow in new ways as we try something new.

My heart is full that Josh put his family first in this decision and it validates the long hard nights of trying times and emotions on my part as I realized it was all for this: to bring our family closer together so we can once again work on common goals!

Get Away

In High school my insecurities dictated who I was, that many a time I feel I blended in with the crowd rather than standing out as I crafted who I was.  These insecurities and my adolescent depression often made me wonder who would care if I died?  Who would show up at my funeral?  Who would know who the real Cherish was?  Luckily I have had time to mature and my thoughts are now a lot less macabre.  I no longer wonder who would miss me; instead I wonder how the people I know and love would manage without me (see that switch from insecure to cocky).  I guess what really brought this thought to mind was the week I had last week.  Josh was out in the field for training all week so as many of you know I was stuck at home on mom duty 24 hours a day with my 22 mo old son, despite the fact I was on bed rest.  I was really worried that I would not be able to do everything myself and my physical limitations would cripple my ability to mother my son as I was the only one to provide for us.  I am happy to say that although it was a pretty awful week, I survived it and it reminded me of everything I can do and am willing to do to stretch myself.  I felt disappointed when my husband would call and say he understood how difficult this was for me.  I know he meant nothing by it, but it really frustrated me as one he would never know what it was like to be pregnant, but even more importantly, he had never spent one full bay with the child by himself, let alone a week.  He is used to the physical fatigue his job demands but I feel he is unaware of the emotional fatigue staying at home with a toddler can be day after day.  So this made me wonder: what would happen if I just disappeared for a weekend?

My son turns two in October and since his birth I have only left him overnight twice:  once to go out with my husband after he returned from deployment and once when I was in the hospital with my miscarriage.  After talking to my mom, I am thinking I might be due for a third night out before our new addition arrives.  I think this will allow Josh the personal one on one time with our son that our child just adores while giving Josh a little more of a taste of what life as a housewife is.  It is not that he is unappreciative of what I do, but I feel it will be a learning experience for him as well as a welcome break for me.  One issue…I have nowhere to go or nothing to do and as I stated earlier I have a lot of physical restraints.  So basically, I want a 1-2 day vacation that I could do on my own that would be the rejuvenation that I need.  I just have no idea what to do though!  What would be a dream come true for you?  If you had 1-2 days by yourself (away from the house) where would you go, what would you do?  Help me decide so that I can make this happen!

A Year Ago

A year ago, life was perfect.  Josh had now been home for four months and he was finally able to be the dad I knew he was.  It was pure bliss watching Josh and our son interact as they bonded instantly.  We began planning with excitement for Dorian’s first birthday and I felt so blessed that although Josh had missed the first six months of our son’s life because of deployment, he would be here for this milestone.  I was a domestic goddess as I came into the role of both motherhood and being a wife and homemaker.  I now took pride in cooking meals and experimenting with foods now that I had a husband to cook for.  I enjoyed my domestic abilities that sprung forth as I was always worried they were talents I lacked.  After a year I had my friend and companion back and I enjoyed the physical closeness we were finally able to share with each other again.  I knew that Josh was still struggling with anxiety and other bi-products of his deployment, but I felt like we were the power couple: dealing with it all and growing closer together as we accomplished our goals.  Although I knew there were things about Josh’s deployment I didn’t understand I always felt like we were just as close as ever.  I was finally a mom and a wife and I loved what I did.  I enjoyed having a clean apartment and a hot meal for Josh to come home to and I loved playing with my son all day and watching my two favorite men bond at night.  I felt like I finally had the life I had worked so hard for. 

A year later and things are in a very different frame.  We are in a new home, one of convenience, not of choice as this is where we were relocated after we lost everything in the fire.  I am going through another very difficult pregnancy that allows me to accomplish very little physically throughout the day, so my once immaculate apartment is typically in a small order of disarray and untidiness.  The meals I plan on cooking remain uncooked and unprepared in the fridge as I generally lose steam before dinner time rolls around and my friend and companion is now a housemate I am trying to reconnect with as I try to get to know the man he has become.  There is no intimacy.  There is no courtship.  There is no trust.  I hurt knowing that perfect imagine I lived a mere year ago was only an illusion as this is what my life and relationship really were; I was just blind to the stinging reality of its harshness. 

You probably think I am just feeling sorry for myself and to be honest, I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but the more important reason for writing this is not to spin a poor pitiful me story (although there are many days I feel that way).  Instead, this is to prove that we are the makers of our own happiness.  Life this year has been nothing short of hell as my entire life has been revealed in a new light and skeletons in closets were revealed that I never knew existed.  I was blissfully happy a year ago, but believe it or not, I am still happy although my days of toil wear me to the bone and even leave me crying.  I know that sounds contradictory, but I end the day happy with who I am and what I did.  I have no regrets in what I am or what I do, so how can I be unhappy when I am still blessed as I am a mother to a miracle.  And although our relationship is in tatters, Josh is at least now seeking help so that we can assess the damage that has been done and hopefully recover from the trials that have taken over our lives.  As long as we do all we are capable of doing, then that’s all there is; meaning pick yourself up and carry on.  It’s nice to know that I have control over that choice. 

Big Belly

I am thirty two weeks along in my pregnancy but the contractions are only getting worse.  It is now getting to the point that not only am I feeling their discomfort, but it has gotten to the point I can no longer walk through them.  I am confidant though that these contractions aren’t changing my cervix seeing as my discharge has not changed at all (meaning I am not effacing) and there has been no sign of me losing my mucus plug, so I see no reason to go into the hospital to waste the four hours to make them stop.  However, the consistency and length of the contractions are starting to worry me.  I have an appointment on Friday where I plan on sharing all of this with my doctor and if ever I feel I need it I will go to the hospital to make the contractions stop, but it is a very frustrating process all around.  For most women when they contract they have the peace of mind that the pain they are experiencing is at least doing something to work towards the birth of their baby.  For me, there is no sign it is doing any such thing, which I am happy about because I want a healthy happy baby and want to void a premature birth, but at the same time it is very frustrating knowing I have these limitations and pains, but for what?  I feel horrible because there are day I wish she would just come already and I can get my body back to “normal” which makes me feel selfish and weak. I only have seven weeks left until the c-section (as my doctor will not allow me to give birth naturally this time due to all the complications), but that is still a long seven weeks when I feel this baby wants out now.  It’s almost like constantly fighting against my body to try and keep in the child it is trying to spit out.  I am exhausted and worn out.  I went through this with my sin, but thought it was happen chance, but this proves that it was indicative of all my pregnancies and after the difficulties of this one, I wonder if my body can even support another pregnancy.  This breaks my heart as I always imagined myself with at least three children.  I know, only time will tell and miracles do happen.  I am just so tired.

Feeling Conflicted

So there is nothing like being on your own to remind yourself of all you can accomplish.  My husband is in the field all week and so despite my bed rest status I am home alone for a week at 31 weeks pregnant and with my 22 mo old son.  Needless to say there isn’t a lot of bed rest going on in this home, but I am listening to my body to make sure I am not putting my newborn child into any danger.  I bring all of this up because I was very upset about my husband having to leave during this difficult time for me and feared I would not be able to do it all.  I know it is through the Lord’s help that I am getting through every day, but it also has caused me to reflect.  As many of you know only two months ago my husband decided he would rather divorce me than go to church or leave the Army; although that is no longer the case and we have been working on things, this week has reminded me that I can do a lot of stuff on my own and has also shown me just how much I have been doing already.  It has also brought to my attention the needs I have that are still not being met. 

For example, my husband and I have not been on a date since February (which I planned).  I have told my husband over and over that since he pretty much rejected me, he needed to date me again and show me that he did in fact want me in his life.  I was pretty much told this was something he didn’t know he could do at the moment (so another rejection in and of itself).  Although things have gotten better, being here alone makes me wonder if would not just be easier to break away and do it on my own since I still do not feel I am wanted.  I know that this would be taking the easy way out and not at all what I plan on doing, but it is further proof that right now time apart for Josh and I is not a good idea as it only brings in to focus the things we have not had a chance to fix.

I need to just focus on what is important: I have a beautiful family, and although Josh and I still have a lot to work through, he is now trying to make the changes needed to make him a healthier and happier person and in time will allow us to fix the things in our relationship that have been broken.  Time, patience, and faith are required.  I just miss the perfect life I thought I had.

In Another Life

I do not believe in reincarnation, it is just something that does not fit in with the way I see God’s plan.  However, I am a daydreamer and like to imagine myself in other lives, which would account for personality traits I have.  For example, I am very found of Russian literature during the 1800s and practically melt with envy when I view Victorian English furniture.  I like to imagine myself as a French or English noble woman filling her days reading novellas and sitting uncomfortably in the thickly layered and highly decorated garb of the century, resulting in today’s lack of concern for finery and fashion as I value comfort instead.  I would enjoy hosting dinner parties and commenting on social gossip and unrest in the community as I strived to be an active participant in the world around me.  I like to imagine that it was during this period that my flame for woman’s rights and equality was ignited as during the time in the 1800s I would have been forced to bite my tongue and hold a very specific place as lady in my household and group of friends.  I know I would covet cowboy stories from tales of the wild America as I secretly thrilled in freedom such chaos offered.  I probably would have been married off young to an older man whom I hardly knew, making us merely housemates and forced friends, which would explain my fight for love in this life. 

As I said this is all done in silliness, but I find such conjectures amusing.  So I encourage each of you to think about your “other life” when and where would you have been and how would that translate to your personality today?  Have fun thinking about it; I know I did J

Trying not to get my hopes up

As I posted earlier Josh has to make a decision about re-enlistment sometime soon. Josh was very against just getting out of the Army and going to school and insisted all he wanted to be was a soldier.  Although I don’t really understand his mode of thinking I have been trying to respect what he views himself as.  However, this last week my dad called and let Josh know he would be able to get Josh a job working with electronics (which is what Josh is doing for the Army now).  The job would pay more than double what we are making now and if Josh ever decided to go to school the company supports such goals and would work with him around his classes.  The job would be located just thirty minutes from where my parents live and it would give us the opportunity to live in Colorado again, both josh and I’s favorite state.  With my parent’s living so close I would have a build in support system and child care options that would give Josh and me the opportunity to start having date nights again.  If Josh is no longer in the military it won’t be difficult finding a therapist as we would be able to pick one that took our insurance and not what is assigned to him.  This seems like the option that has everything I am looking for: stability, support, timing, and something that would make us both happy. 

My fear however, is that Josh’s pull towards the Army will blind him to all this has to offer.  I am willing to follow and support Josh in his choice, but that does not mean it will be easy for me or fulfill me in any sort of way.  Essentially, I would follow Josh but that does not mean I agree with his choice which could possibly cause some strife down the road.  However, if that’s the only way I can work on fixing our marriage, I am willing to make that sacrifice.  I just hope it’s a sacrifice I don’t have to make now that we have a very reliable and plausible option that I feel fits us both.  Josh would be home more.

I fear another deployment, which if he stays in, is bound to happen and I have a feeling it will be sooner than later.  As things stand at the moment, I fear a deployment will nearly break us and I just feel our relationship and family do not need that strain at the moment.  Of course I am just over-contemplating everything again as in the end Josh has the final say in this choice.  I do not want to be held responsible for not allowing him to be himself and I know that whether or not Josh is listening or in tune, the Lord is still guiding us and I will keep my faith in that.  So once again, thanks for reading this long winded rant as I dare not to hope for what I want.

A Family Christmas?

For the first three years of our marriage Josh and I were without children that we never felt any great desire or need to put much celebration or tradition into the Christmas holiday.  Our fourth year of marriage Josh was deployed and Dorian and I celebrated our first Christmas together with my parents.  Our fifth year of marriage we were living off of donations after we lost all our personal possessions in an apartment fire.  I know it is still four months away, but after watching a Christmas special on a television program my heart aches that we have never really had a true family Christmas together.  Especially with my new little girl on the way I want this Christmas to be something special.  I want to start family traditions and have the house smell of baked goods all day long.  I want a tree full or lights and ornaments to give us as a family something to sit down and appreciate as we focus on the true meaning of the holiday.  I want to feel the Christmas spirit this year. 

Easily done right?  Except that we have no holiday decorations as we did not have the means to replace what we lost.  There is also the possibility we may be in a completely new state or even country and an extremely good chance we won’t even be unpacked by the time the holidays arrive.  Oh don’t think me superficial and reliant on petty bobbles to get me in the Christmas mood, but I guess I just want to be able to give my children the Christmas’ I remember and I hate that I feel inadequate in being able to provide the vision I wish for myself.  I know that such things are unimportant to the sweet little spirits of my children as they are always pleased with what they receive.  I just hate feeling as if I have to cut short my hopes or my dreams to meet reality.

I am aware I being ridiculous here, seeing as I am crying as I write this post, so we will totally blame this all on the pregnancy hormones, but do you ever feel like you are cutting yourself and your kids short based on the dreams you feel you cannot live up to?  How silly am I to be obsessing over Christmas in August! Since it seems we as a family are always starting over, what are some of your favorite holiday traditions?  My family might just borrow some of your ideas this year.

Feeling a Need to Start Over

I feel as if my life has been in a limbo since March as we have struggled to find Josh the help that he needs.  Due to the situation I feel a lot of my life has been very dependent on his choices.  Seeing as we have only recently found someone who has been able to help him, both Josh and our relationship have been stagnant as we tried to just survive the days.  With all this in mind Josh just found out he has 40 days left to re-enlist.  As of right now Josh is a 94E a MOS (job) that will not allow people to rank up due to the high amount of people in the MOS at the moment.  When Josh re-enlists he has two options.  He can pick and new MOS and go through training all over again and then be moved wherever he is needed or he can extend his contract and stay in the MOS he has, which will also allow us to stay here for the next three years. 

Here is the predicament.  If Josh stays in the MOS he has, he will continue to be a 94E (a job he hardly gets to do anyway) and will be stuck at the E4 pay grade which is a whopping 30,000 a year (so as you can see, not much at all and yes that includes Base Allowance Housing) We are blessed that at the moment we don’t have any real debt, but even with that blessing it is hard to make that money stretch to buy all the things we need, especially as we are still trying to replace a lot of items we lost in the fire.  With a second child on the way this pay grade for the next three years just seems unacceptable for me when he could be working towards a higher rank in a different MOS.  However, the opportunity to stay here would give Josh the additional time and resources he needs to work through the PTSD and depression he is dealing with at the moment that might not be available if we are moved somewhere else.  Plus here in Clarksville I have friends and family close to help support me.

If Josh were to pick a new MOS he could pick one that had low points, allowing him to rank up quickly.  There is the risk he will not enjoy his job as much though.  This also sets us up to be at the Army’s mercy as they decide when he goes to AIT and where we would then be moved afterwards.  As you know I am due in nine weeks and would rather not have to pack up and move within a month of giving birth, but that is a very good possibility if we choose this option.  However, I feel a move and a change of scenery will force us both to rely on each other and less on the people around us giving us an opportunity to grow a little closer.  I feel it might also be the change that Josh needs as he will no longer be associated with the same people and therefore forced to start over, which always causes a person to have a little more self reflection and judgment as they introduce who they are to new colleagues.  I guess I am just ready for a chance to start over and hopefully advance our relationship and his career that lately I have been dreading the thought of staying here another three years despite all the pros it offers and at the moment I am having a hard time separating my own feeling from inspiration, making this decision very difficult. 

As of right now Josh is inclined to extend and stay and I am feeling the need to re-class and move.  We are running out of time and as always, I am feeling very lost in knowing how to make this choice.  I wish I knew what to do, but in reality neither Josh nor I know what he needs most.  Please keep us in your prayers as once again we are forced to face another life altering decision that will weigh greatly on our lives.

Heads up

As you all know I just finished chapter 16.  Having posted my story to my blog has been a great motivator for me to continue on in my story even though there are some memories and emotions I rather not remember, but it has been a purging and cathartic experience as I have gone over those past emotions and compared them with what I am currently going through.  Having said that, I have decided to take a break from writing new material for the following reasons:

1.       Chapters 10-16 are in their very roughest form (hence the voice change and lack of description) The way I write is to get out the structure and then go back and fill it in with the details and emotion that make my voice.  So before I add new material I would like to go back and add to what I have already started.

2.       The chapter I am working on discusses the difficulties of my pregnancy with my son, the deployment we went through and the injury Josh sustained while deployed.  As you can imagine these are emotionally heavy memories that I rather no revisit while in my already emotional third trimester, I fear I will have a hard time separating emotions from then and now.

This does not mean that I will not be working on my story; it just means it will probably be several weeks before I post a new chapter.  I hope that you will continue to check my blog as I still plan on posting daily (weekends excluded).  It has been such a rush, validation and encouragement to see how many people have been following my story and who have taken interest in it.  As you can see I hide nothing and lay everything out there as I viewed it, which leaves me very vulnerable and you as readers have been very respectful and helpful as I deal with these emotions and insecurities as I strive to work on my goal of being published.  To those of you who have read every chapter so far, congratulations; you have read 73 typed pages (single space) of my crazy life!  I can’t express enough how much I love you all and will keep everyone updated on the changes I plan on making.  If I feel I revisit a chapter and make enough changes I will probably repost a chapter and as always I would love your feedback.  Thanks again for all your awesomeness!

Chapter Sixteen: Stronger and Confidant

Josh’s term of service started the day the he left for basic: June 8 2009.  I moved back in with my mom and dad after we had all our belongings moved into storage as we tried to sell the house.  Although I was surrounded by family I once again felt very alone.  Although we had been through the difficulty of long separations, I had still always been able to talk to Josh.  I would now have ten weeks of nothing but letters, which meant for the first time since I had been married, I was alone.  After being married almost three years it was surreal being back in my parent’s house.  Although they did not treat me in this way, I felt almost as if I was in high school again.  All the self doubts, depression, questioning where my life was going and what it was worth hit me hard all over again as I no longer had anyone to focus on other than myself.  However, unlike Pennsylvania, I planned on becoming stronger, better, so that I could be the best wife and person I could be.  I needed to learn to love myself, which in my eyes meant I needed to fix myself.  For me that started in the infertility clinic I began going to as soon as I had insurance. 

More tests were run, another ultra sound, a glucose test and a couple shots later I was given the same information.  I had PCOS and due to my irregularity, it would be difficult to conceive.  This doctor was much more aware of my condition and prescribed different medications that should help with many of the symptoms and hopefully making me more regular that I would have a higher probability at conception.  Seeing as Josh was away, my concern was no longer conception, it was now about gaining control over my body.  Most things I researched indicated diet was a big factor in helping regulate the body, but for me, even counting my calories and altering what I ate did little to no change in my symptoms and only made me feel more sour as I was seeing no results after all the effort I was putting in.  The medication also made me feel nauseated and moody which all seemed very counterproductive to what I was trying to do.  I needed to feel better about myself and in the end this was making me feel worse.  So after only three months of medication, I decided to go off all the medication I had been prescribed.  Especially after the accident and the hell I went through to get over the pain medication, I was now no longer a fan of putting chemicals into my body unless I knew for certain they were helping me. 

My mom was very supportive in my decision and recommended the diet and exercise rout.  At this point I wasn’t expecting any change, but since I now had someone to take walks and exercise with, it became more enjoyable and although it didn’t help with the PCOS, it did help me feel better as I became more active.  My mom and I talked everyday as I was the only child at home now and she became my friend and confidant as I pined for my husband and struggled with my inner demons.  We brought up a lot of old feelings and past hurts and for the first time in years I knew I really meant it when I told my mom I didn’t hold a grudge for the way she felt or acted as I hoped she had forgiven me for my selfishness and foolishness as well.  It was nice to have the relationship I once had with my mom again.  This rekindled connection reminded me that I was loved and that I didn’t always have to rely on my husband’s love to validate who I was.  Being able to talk with me mom helped me open my eyes as she communicated what she saw in me and it gave me hope and strength to always fight to be a better, stronger, more confident person as I fought my trials head on.  My mom reminded me of the strength I had in me as she saw it blossom while I struggled after the accident and although she was unaware of why we left Pennsylvania, she knew it had been hard and commented on how she was happy to see how Josh and I rallied together to get to where we were at.  It forced me to go back over the things I had been through and gave me the chance to see the progression I had made.  Although I did not enjoy the time separated from my husband, it taught me to find myself, and who and what I wanted to be so that I didn’t lose myself with my marriage.  I never felt as if I had lost myself until I didn’t know how to be without Josh by my side.  I could still be a good wife and support my husband, while still going after my dreams and goals as well and although it seems like such an obvious duh moment, it is one I somehow overlooked as I threw myself into the love I had for Josh.

The weeks crept by.  After one offer on the house fell through I was a little more hesitant in my excitement when another offer came in.  We had the house priced at about the same price we had purchased it for as a foreclosure in hopes of selling fast.  I was hopeful that we were getting as many offers as we were seeing as several friends of mine told me horror stories of houses sitting on the market for over a year due to the economy and mass amount of foreclosures in the area.  Yet miraculously, after only three months on the market our house sold, Overall, we didn’t lose any money but we didn’t make any either.  Although this was a blessing it was also another growing experience as I was in charge of making sure out house a hundred miles away had cut grass, and was in showing condition.  I then had the opportunity to exercise my POA (Power of Attorney) as I signed for both myself and Josh on the hundreds of papers that were required at closing.  I had a great realtor who made the process as easy for me as possible.  I was proud of myself though.  Josh had now been gone six weeks and I had sold the house.

I began finding things that interested me and filled my days with reading, crochet and writing which gave me a sense of fulfillment as I worked on the talents I felt I had.  Although I was once again home all day, I found ways to encourage my interests and stretch my abilities.  I was beginning to remember the person I wanted to be and became confidant that I could accomplish my goals.  I also began tutoring again and enjoyed the time I spent making up lesson plans and incentives to encourage my students.  I was doing what I loved and felt like I was once again making a difference in the lives of others.  Since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be getting pregnant anytime soon, I began looking into graduate schools all over the country, depending on where we were stationed.  Now that we had the deposit back that we put down on the house, I could now afford to go back to school.  I continued in my new diet and exercise and was still disappointed that I wasn’t losing any weight or regulating.  I did however start to feel better about myself as I was working towards being healthier. 

Josh was days away from graduating basic and I booked a flight to be there for his ceremony at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.  I was giddy with anticipation and couldn’t help but wondering what the past two and half months had done for Josh.  I wondered if I would recognize him in the sea of uniforms.  I would only be able to spend one day with him before he would travel to Fort Gordon, Georgia for AIT (which is where he would be trained for his job).  I felt like I had done a complete 180 as I finally had my emotions and goals in order and I hoped Josh would be able to see how much happier I was now that I was becoming comfortable in my own skin.  Before I knew it, my trip arrived and it brought back the dame giddy agitation and butterflies I remembered feeling the time I would travel to visit Josh while we were dating.  It also made me sad that even now that we were married we were still doing the long distance relationship more times than naught.  I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever have the normal life I had envisioned while love struck and imagining our future together.  I needed to just come to grips with the fact that my life would always be a swirling mess, but rather than letting the events control me, I needed to control how I dealt with the situation.  I had no idea how I would handle being an Army wife, but I knew I loved my husband and would support him any way I could.

The ceremony was excruciatingly long in the middle of a South Carolina heat wave.  The blob of uniforms below the bleachers made everyone autonomous and I quickly realized there was no way to recognize my husband in the crowd.  I waited while they went through their chants and flag ceremonies, waiting while one person talked after another and the desperate grapple as the crowed dissipated as everyone was in a mad rush to find their soldier and get off post.   After half an hour I finally found Josh and I have to admit he was unrecognizable as he had lost a substantial amount of weight.  He looked so good in his uniform and I melted instantly.  My heart swelled with pride as I saw his new discipline and composure.  Maybe he was right; maybe the Army was exactly what he needed.  After nearly three months it was bliss to be able to touch him, smell him, and see him again.  I felt as if my senses were overloaded and on fire as I viewed this man in front of me and I realized in that moment that’s what he was: a man.  We were no longer newlyweds or college students; we were adults now.  It seemed like such a fight to get to that point and yet, looking back I couldn’t tell you when or where it happened.  I had hope that this new beginning in the Army was exactly what we needed.  We had a new start and I planned on making the most out of it.

It was bliss spending that day with my husband and bitter sweet knowing I would lose him for another seven months the very next day, but we flooded each other with love and attention and soaked in all we had changed and become the short time we had been apart.  I was proud of my husband for his choices and I was proud of myself for mine.  We really were starting over.  Now I just had to make it through the next seven months before we would finally be reunited. 

After another three months at home with my parents I was going crazy that the only communication I had with my husband was a phone call every night.  We had now been separated for nearly six months and my body and heart longed to be with him again. After calling three different people I was told every time that the Army would not pay to move me and our belongings to Georgia and that I would have to wait until Josh was stationed somewhere more permanent.  Josh and I talked about it though and since I had been living with my parent’s I had saved up some money that I could afford taking some basics with m and getting an apartment in Augusta, Georgia next to post so that we could spend what little free time Josh did get with one another.  We were both so home sick for each other that it was planned out quickly.  I left at the end of September and moved into the cheapest apartment I could find that allowed me to rent furniture.

Seeing as I only had a car load of items, the move in was quick and I was please that I was only fifteen minutes from post.  Seeing Josh again brightened my spirit and reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place: he knew me, he loved me and he filled me up.  I thought I had come so far with my depression the last several months, but now that I got to see him daily again it was almost the same sort of bliss we had as newlyweds.  We snuck in kisses whenever we had a chance as if we were both trying to keep the physical contact we had missed so much over the last six months.  Although I still had fears and concerns that the issues in the past would crop up again, our marriage felt different.  It was new and fresh and we showed one another how much we valued the other.  After three years of marriage my husband still gave me butterflies and twisted up my insides when he looked at me with his deep penetrating eyes and I felt the connection I feared we had lost.  I felt like I knew who I was, I knew who Josh was and knew what our relationship was.  I felt healthy and happy and even though I still couldn’t live with my husband and only got a couple hours with him a day, it was still a gift as we relearned who we were and how well we fit together. 

It was a new experience as I began traveling on and off post as I soon found military life really was that; a completely different life and lifestyle.  I couldn’t help but think of Orwell’s 1984 every time my car was searched, or I was questioned as to what my purpose on post was.  I learned quickly that my military identification was more important than gold seeing as you needed to prove your identity at every building.  I learned the ranks to know who was “important” and learned just how fickle information was as it slowly leaked from a million different sources.  It was a frustrating education as I learned through trial and error what was expected and what was reprehensible.  It was a completely different world, but I was glad I had Josh there to help me navigate through the things that didn’t make sense.  I was surprised when one day I found myself talking in acronyms the way the Army teaches.  It’s funny, because it wasn’t really a life I chose willingly, but it was one that sucks you in quickly, forcing you to acclimate to the new surroundings and information.

There were a lot of things I instantly did not enjoy including the power trip driven leaders, wrong information passed out all the time, last minute changes, and even the way my husband was treat as he was “only and E2 or a private.”  Josh still loved it though, and he pushed himself to show why he was the best at what he did.  I saw him slowly start to come out of his shell as he gained more confidence and acceptance with who he was because he was a soldier and for some reason, that made perfect sense to him.  Josh has always had a very intoxicating personality and it’s hard not to feel what he is feeling; so this new burst of confidence and energy somehow fueled and energized me as well.  We did everything we could find to do.  We made friends. We fell in love as we dated again.  It was a weird sensation as now I finally felt like an adult, yet at the same time everything was so new, it made me feel helpless and young like a child.  Rather than over analyzing my situation or fretting over the rift, I enjoyed both sides.  Josh and I played around as we went for walks through abandoned trails and we classed it up as we saved up for nice nights out on the town and talked of things we both enjoyed.  Because I knew myself better and was more loving toward who I was, I was able to love Josh more because his love was an added bonus, not something I needed to function.

Josh and I in our new found closeness tried again to conceive a child.  I was put on fertility medications and we counted days and ovulation in hopes of increasing our chances.  Sadly, month after month we were disappointed time and time again.  At least now we didn’t go into every month thinking this was the month; instead we hoped but never really believed in the miracle we were hoping for.  It was at about this point that my doctor told me that I was not ovulating and if I was not ovulating, it was pretty much impossible for me to get pregnant.  What hope we had, quickly dissipated.  Josh and I instead started talking more seriously about adoption and foster parenting.  I wasn’t sure how that would work within the confines of the military but we were willing to give everything we had to become parents.  We had now been trying for just over two years.  It was at this point that my mom called and informed me she had a hormone test and was very low on progesterone and had begun using a topical progesterone ointment that had done wonders for her.  She strongly suggested I try it myself.  I was very sceptical, i had been on anf off medications for over a year now and nothing had helped or even improved my situation, how then could some lotion change my life?  I knew my mother was only concerned and wanted to help so I agreed to try; what the harm in trying, right? I began using the progesterone cream in November of 2009 as I decided once agin to go off the other medicatiosn that were not helping us conceive. 

My three and half months in Georgia passed quickly and before I knew it, graduation was upon us.  We waited impatiently for our orders hoping to get one of the three places we chose as our top picks.  These orders would change our lives as it would decide where we would be living for the next three to four years.  People were getting their orders months in advance and we were frustrated and disappointed that we got our orders a week before graduation, giving us a total of two weeks to get everything lined up to move our stuff from Colorado, find housing, and look for a school I could do my graduate work before Josh started work full time. Although we had very little timing, we were granted one of our choices; we were headed to Fort Campbell Kentucky.

We heard rumors that Josh would deploy soon after we got to Fort Campbell which made me feel even more blessed that we have been stationed where we had.  I had an uncle who live and hour north of there and a sister who lived and hour south, so even though it would be a new place, I still had some family close to me. 

Josh’s graduation from AIT was a day both Josh and I were proud of.  After ten months of training, Josh was now an official soldier and I was officially an Army wife.  Life was changing for us again as we were about to start all over in a new place.  We packed up what little I had brought with me and headed for our new home.  I had high hopes that despite the rumored deployment, we would still be able to spend some time together seeing as this would be the first time I lived with my husband in almost a year.  We hoped to start adoption papers as soon as we were settled so that we could start the long process we knew was coming.  With a new career and a new plan for the future we were both happy and in love and ready to face what life had to offer us.

Rough

Have you ever cried hard enough and long enough that when the purging is over, even the act of sitting up seems to be too difficult sue to the lack of energy left in your body?  That is where I am at.  It was a pretty rough day today between my husband and I, but things were addressed and talked about that although draining, I think gave us both a little more clarity if for no other reason that those stale emotions are no longer clogging our vision.  I guess I still just don’t understand how this is what my life became.  How did I end up here? 

I am one of those overly obnoxious people who try and plan out their entire life, always waiting for the worst to happen so that I might in some way be prepared for it.  I guess this time I didn’t imagine the worst and life has caught me so off guard that these last six months have been utter hell as I am trying with all my might to keep my footing and still be the support and beacon I need to be for my son and my daughter who is growing within me.  How do you keep walking when you don’t know where you are going and you are thoroughly worn out? Sigh.

I have made it this far, and we are still working on things and walking together, so that is something.  I just hate not having any control.  I hate not knowing what to expect, or what is going to happen and I hate when I have no way of preparing myself or my family for what is ahead.  I am thankful tomorrow is Sunday so I can get go to church and fill my cup.

Stair step VS Collage

                So I have been working on this theory for a while now and it boils down to this:  There are two types of people in the world in the sense that this category helps distinguish (typically) how a person deals with the events and people in their lives in comparison with their past.  Ok, give me a second I know that was convoluted, but this is worth the read so hang in there while I explain. 

Stair step:  This is the type of person who is usually a goal or task oriented person.  In their lives they seem to categorize and compartmentalize where in the life cycle they are at.  For example steps in life include high school, college, marriage, children and other main events that happened during the individual’s life.  While past experiences and people influenced the person they are, once they hit a new level or a new step they see little to no need to go back and reflect on the past in rehashing old emotions or events that can’t help them on their current prospects in life.  This does not mean these individuals do not have times of nostalgia; it means they are content in their station in life or working to reach the next step, the “what if” game is more infuriating than fun as they have no control over changing the past, so why reflect on it. 

              These individuals although they make strong friendships and connections, have no need to think back on people from their past who are no longer active participants in their life (with the exception of Facebook).   Meaning this type of person has no need to reflect on their best friend from kindergarten as once again there is no point in rehashing old emotions or events when it has no bearing on their life at the moment.  That typically means these people are less likely to hold long term grudges and have an easier time at starting over in new places and new surroundings. 

Collage:  This is the type of person who is a masterpiece of every even and every person they have ever been in contact with.  They recall with ease memories from long past and can often times remember in acute detail conversation, photos, outfits people wore, and other seemingly unimportant things that somehow influenced them.  Typically (but not always) these types of people are more self reflective and are typically more aware of themselves and the needs of those around them as they have a wider range of focus.  This also means however, these individuals tend to lack a direct focus and tend to live life off the cuff.  These individuals are more prone to being overwhelmed as their current event/relationship is compared with dozens of others in their past. 

              These individuals have a very hard time letting go of people and events from their past.  These are typically people who enjoy scrapbooking as they enjoy going over their photos time and time again to remember both the good and bad that made them who they are.  These individuals typically choose emotions over logic.

              I would love to hear your thoughts on this and which type you think you are.  I am definitely a stair step person, which is why writing my story has taken me three years as it takes me time to focus and remember emotions and details I thought I had left behind.  Although it is therapeutic, it is also very difficult for me.

Chapter Fifteen: New information

As soon as we got to Idaho Josh started searching online for job openings in Fort Collins.  We had six months to get a job before our tenants were out of the house, so we had a little leeway to find a job that would fit us.  Unfortunately, this was when the economy crashed and he was not finding any jobs he was qualified for, even with his new CDL license. Although we were worried, we did not fear seeing as Josh had never before had a trouble finding a job.  After the rough time we had in Pennsylvania, it was nice to be around family.  After a couple of weeks, I felt like Josh had paid his penance; he seemed contrite about his mistakes and apologized for the deceit that I was starting to warm towards him again.  I was saying as much to Shawna when she called me and once again she apologized for being the bearer of bad news, but suggested I confront Josh and demand he tell me everything.  I told her I had already done as much and I had not learned anything new.  She suggested I tried again because she wanted to give Josh the opportunity to tell me the truth. 

When I got off the phone my mind was racing with all the worst possible scenarios.  Had he indeed returned to drugs?  Had he cheated on me?  What wasn’t he telling me?  I confronted him and told him that people had been telling me he was still hiding things and that I needed the truth here and now.  If he couldn’t be honest with me then we didn’t have a relationship and he needed to choose what was more important to him.  I waited a couple minutes as I saw his mind processing what I was saying.  He then came clean that besides the drinking and smoking he had been viewing pornography.  Instantly my heart broke.  You see as of late we had been having issues in the bed room that were always explained away as low sex drive and fatigue.  Since this entire time I had been doing everything possible to get pregnant, this was a slap in the face.  To me it seemed as if he was deliberately choosing to not have kids.  Instantly, I was enraged.  The smoking and the drinking and the lying, I could kind of understand considering his past and not wanting to disappoint me, but the porn, that was self serving and selfish and I resented that he would do that to me when I was feeling low already.

Never had I felt so much anger and sadness towards my husband and it broke my heart, making me feel as if I didn’t really know the man I was married to.  Now that we were living in someone else’s house I didn’t feel comfortable sending my husband to the couch to sleep for the night, but for the first time, I didn’t want him in the same bed as me.  I didn’t want him touching me.  I asked him to sleep on the floor, which he did willingly, but I think that act alone awoke us both to the state our relationship was in seeing as before we always took every opportunity to be together and never went to bed upset with the other.  This night was very different though, because I knew this hurt and this anger would last a while as the betrayal ran hot in my veins.

I knew pornography is rampant in our society and many people don’t have an issue with it, but before we were married I confronted Josh on this issue letting him know that there would never be a place for it in our marriage.  Especially when it was replacing me in ways I needed to be fulfilled.  Although I was infuriated with Josh, I couldn’t help but ask why I wasn’t good enough.  Why did he have to turn to the porn?  Was it because I wasn’t good at sex?  After all he was my one and only, maybe I wasn’t any good.  Was it because I had gained so much weight since we had been married?  Was it because I wasn’t what he was attracted to?  After all I hated myself, why shouldn’t my husband hate me too.  I know this logic seems ridiculous, but at the time that’s the state of mind I was in and that was the only explanation that made sense to me. 

My depression continued on as I felt like such a victim throughout my life.  I turned to my greatest source of comfort: my religion and my relationship with the Lord.  Between trying to climb out of my depression and talks with my father in law he helped me see that the pornography was very similar to the other things Josh had been struggling with: they were all addictions.  Josh’s dad helped me see that Josh was feeling depressed himself and exhibited all the signs his other children with bipolar exhibited.  He explained how he had tried to reach out to Josh, but he felt that like before, I was the only one whose forgiveness was important to Josh, and therefore, I was the only one to help him through his hard time.  Although this made me feel like I was actually a valued part of Josh’s life it didn’t seem fair to me either.  Here I had been at a low for months and months, which I had vocalized to him yet I felt he had brushed aside and now I was supposed to help him out of his depression.  How could I do that when I didn’t know how to get out of bed myself some mornings? 

After a couple days of Josh sleeping on the floor I let him know he was welcome to join me in the bed again.  I explained that there was nothing any of us could do to change the past and that I needed to know he was willing to work towards our future.  I let him know I expected complete honestly, as I had never given him a reason to lie to me and that much of this hurt and anger would have been bypassed completely had he only been open and honest with me about what he was struggling with.  I let him know that because I was willing to work towards the future did not mean I was willing to forgive him yet, as that was something he had to earn.  I felt like I was being cheated out of my anger, but I knew focusing on Josh was what would help me forgive him as well as allow me the chance to focus on someone other than myself and although I didn’t realize this would help me out of my depression, ironically enough, that’s exactly what it did.

I found that Josh was indeed in a very negative place and had a lot of self hatred for the mistakes he had made, which only fueled his desire to be more self destructive.  I forced him to communicate with me as I peppered him with questions and tried to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible.  It took a lot of hard work and a strong will to not let my pride and hurt take over.  I did everything I knew how to do to communicate my love and concern until Josh was finally open to seeing what he was doing to himself.  It was at about this point we realized the impossibility of finding a job in Colorado while in Idaho and made plans to move in with some of my relatives so we were close to Ft. Collins in hopes of being able to travel to interviews more easily.  I was able to get a part time job, but it didn’t pay much.  The savings we had in the bank were slowly draining away with every insurance payment or phone payment, etc.  It was hard not to get disheartened again as it felt as if everything was sinking around us.

Josh and I did all that we could to talk and try and fix the rift that had separated us, but it was hard getting past the fact that he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him by engaging in the activities that he did.  It was hard to move forward when I didn’t know if I could trust him and the hurt I felt always seemed to be so raw.  I couldn’t help but flinch, if not physically, mentally every time he touched me making me wonder what it was he was really thinking about. He seemed sincere in wanting to change the habits he had created and he seemed sincere in making me a priority like he once had.  It was a very slow process but we were healing as he reached out to me, showing me with his actions rather than his words that I was important to him.  I couldn’t help but think back on the horrid time I had in Pennsylvania and wonder if maybe the depression was me subconsciously aware of the gap separating us, which put me back in that same self hating negative space I had been in until I found his love.  The made me realize just how much I depended on Josh for my own self-worth which wasn’t fair to him or to me.  I needed to start working on loving myself and I needed to do so without his help; the only problem with that is that I had no idea how to go about making that happen. 

The months passed slowly and despite the countless number of resumes and applications Josh submitted, we weren’t getting any calls back, or the calls back he did receive, it was always the same news: Josh didn’t have enough experience.  I was thankful for all the money we had put into savings, which allowed us to keep our heads above water for the time being, but we were running out of time.  In a matter of a few short months we would no longer have renters, which meant we would once again be responsible for our mortgage.  The stress was eating us up as we tried desperately to find work.

I then became worried when after four consecutive months I still had not had a period and the multiple pregnancy tests I had taken kept coming up negative.  I kept hoping that maybe the tests were wrong, but deep down I had a fear that something was amiss.  It looked like we would have to once again dip into our savings so I could go to the doctor even though we had no insurance.  I was nervous, after all the speculation Josh and I had guessed and assumed that our lack of fertility had to do with him, but this opened my eyes to the reality that we had no idea what was going on and I prayed that we would finally have answers and the prospects of being parents.  After all we had now been trying over a year with no luck, and each month it became harder to stay positive.

After a brief interview and an ultra sounds it was determined that I has PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I had no idea what that even meant and I was stunned and at a loss for words as the doctor explained that it was the leading cause in infertility in women.  Basically it meant that my ovaries are covered with cysts.  This changes the hormone balance and makes it very difficult for women to conceive as many women with this diagnosis don’t ovulate.  She went on to explain that I fit a lot of the symptoms including high testosterone, rapid weight gain, depression, and many other symptoms.  She pretty much said that I was a text book example.  I asked her what this all meant.  She replied on a very terse matter that it meant I needed to go on medication to induce a period and then go back on birth control to balance my hormones, I could try and get pregnant after I had regulated, she said I needed to lose weight and recommended I only at 500 calories a day and informed me that although it was not impossible, it was unlikely I would get pregnant.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  It seemed as if life was just throwing me one huge curve ball after another.  My heart broke because all I had ever wanted to be was a mother and now I may not have that opportunity?  What would Josh say or think knowing I most likely couldn’t give him children?  Here we were struggling to fix what had been broken and I would have to drop this bomb.  I hated that this was happening to me.  I already felt broken due to my continued limitations with my back and then the one thing my body should be able to do it was now unable to do!  This just wasn’t fair.  I understood that due to our situation and station in life it was not a good time to have a child at the moment, but to be faced with the knowledge that I would never get that gift made me feel robbed and cheated.  I already struggled with my body limitations and body image that this just made me hate my body, what good had it done me?  Despite all this anger and frustration there was some relief too.  I had fought my weight and depression for as long as I could remember and now there was a valid medical reason as to why that was.  I had always been the chunky one in my family and a lot of times I felt I was looked down on as having no self control or something as my frame always seemed to pudge up despite what I ate or how many sports I participated in.  So although it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, at least I had some answers. 

As soon as I got home I told Josh the news.  I could see the sadness in his eyes as the reality of what I was telling him sunk in but he held me in his arms and whispered over and over that it was okay we would have kids whether I birthed them or not.  I asked him what he meant by that and he reminded me that we had talked about adoption before and he still would love to adopt and he would love to be a father any way we could.  This softened my heart as he gave me hope that despite my body’s short comings, we still had a lot to be hopeful for.  After all the months of holding Josh up, it was nice to let him emotionally support me.  Even though it was yet another trial, this one was bringing us closer together.  It seemed that since we left Fort Collins our lives had been flipped completely upside down, and despite the past I was grateful to have a husband to help me through the nights and days I didn’t think I could face alone.

Josh and I pulled together as the date for taking over our mortgage crept closer.  My mom informed us of a CDL fair going on in Denver where businesses looking for CDL driver would be set up.  We were confident and went down with high hopes, thinking this might be the answer to our prayer and the end of our five months of unemployment.  There were a couple of booths set up as literally thousands of people milled about picking up applications.  It did not take us long to find that we were at a loss.  Seeing as so many people were out of work like we were, businesses were able to be picky and every business we looked into required ten years experience.  Seeing as Josh was only 23 he obviously didn’t qualify.  We were disheartened and as we were leaving Josh took notice of the Army booth set up in the corner.  He went over and asked a couple of questions and we left soon afterwards.  I noticed Josh was unusually quiet as we headed back home and asked him what he was thinking about.  He told me that he felt very strongly that we should look into the Army.  My gut reaction was to reject the idea.  My sister’s first husband had been military and I knew what a difficult life that was and wanted no part of it.  Josh however, had grown up military.  His dad was retired Air Force, so I could see how that would be a possibility for him.  I tried to not be too negative, but dismissed the idea. After all it didn’t seem like a real idea.  I mean, we had a house and a life we were trying to get back in order, what we needed was a stable job, not more chaos.  At least that’s what I thought anyway.

Josh however, had a hard time letting the idea go.  I found him looking up information that night and as the days passed, the more and more I heard about the Army.  Obviously, this was a real proposition to my husband and one I needed to take seriously.  We sat down and talked about it and I let him know that if and I stressed the word if; if we were to join the military I would prefer the Air Force as I knew their deployments were shorter and tended to be known as more family friendly.  Josh agreed that was his first choice as well, but since he only had his GED and no high school diploma he did not qualify.  I hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but he pressed me further as he brought reality to my attention.  We had less than a month before our tenants left, we had been unemployed for over five months and our savings was close to depleted.  After all the time of trying to find a job we were both very aware of the state the economy was in and Josh expressed his need to be able to take care of me and he knew in his heart this is something he could do and would enjoy doing.  I still wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but I was now open to listening.  Josh suggested we talk to a recruiter together so we could get the information we needed.  I agreed that if he was serious about this, then I would support him in visiting the recruiter.  We planned on going the very next day.

Josh was nervous and asked if I would help him pick out his outfit, a rarity within our marriage, which I gladly obliged to.  I was nervous as we drove into town.  My mind was spinning with questions and concerns.  Life had become such a whirlwind and I didn’t know how to keep my feet on the ground.  As we stepped into the recruiter’s office and they saw Josh’s interest they began with a barrage of information and questions.  They were a little skeptical of his past misdemeanor charges, but after Josh scored as high as he did on the practice ASVAB, the test to determine their intelligence in different areas, they let him know they wanted him.  I asked all my questions and voiced all my concerns and by the time we walked out I wasn’t any more comfortable with the idea, but Josh was now determined to make this happen.  We sat down and talked again, but I let him know I didn’t know how I could support him in this when the whole situation made me very uncomfortable.  This wasn’t the life I wanted.  I wanted to live in Colorado.  I wanted to be close to family, I wanted him to have a nine to five job and until we had the opportunity to be parents, I wanted to do graduate school.  If Josh joined the Army, I wouldn’t have any of that. Yet, it was more than just me being unwilling to give up what I wanted, the situation was scary.  I had heard story after story of how after people joined the military they changed and I didn’t want Josh to change.  Despite his short comings, I loved who he was.  I didn’t want to have to go through basic, AIT, and deployments without him.  I had just experienced a life without him and it nearly broke both of us. 

It was also at this point I realized that although I still thought leaving our situation in Pennsylvania was the best option, it was also an attempt to run from our problems and in the Army we would be stuck for eight years.  It took a lot of reflection and although I did not want to be military, I knew in the end Josh was right.  We were running out of options and this fell in our lap and despite all my fears, it felt right.  When I told Josh I was willing to support him in his choice to join the Army, I saw his face light up; there was no mistaking the desire he had to be a soldier.  We began making a list of things that needed to be done, such as putting our house on the market, getting Josh into shape so basic would be more bearable for him, and deciding what we should do with all our household items and myself while he went through basic and AIT.  The whirlwind of our life sped up as we had only a month to complete this before he left for basic.

I was able to go with Josh to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) where he took his APVAB and then met with a counselor to pick his MOS (Military Occupation Specialty), in other words to choose the job he would do for the Army.  Josh was a little nervous about his test but came in proud with the score of 93/100.  Seeing as he only needed 40 to qualify, he was proud of himself and hopeful that he would have more job options open to him with his scores.  I was glad Josh valued my opinion enough to allow me to visit the counselor with him, as this did indeed affect the both of us.  The counselor we had was open and very honest and let Josh know that because of the time of year he was enlisting a lot options were already filled up, but because of his scores he did have more options than many others.  With that being said he began to go over the jobs and security clearances Josh qualified for.  I could tell the information and lists the counselor was dribbling out to Josh was overwhelming him.  After a few questions we determined that out of the list there were only two MOS’ that would challenge Josh’s intelligence: communication security repair or a surgeon.

We asked what the communication security repair entailed and basically it was someone who could repair the high tech radios the Army used for communication.  Mostly it was electrical knowledge.  It would require a medium security clearance and came with a $15,000 bonus.  As soon as he explained the job details, I knew it was a fit for Josh and the bonus would be helpful as we now had very little money to our names.  With the economy the way it was, we didn’t expect to get out of our house what we had put into it, so this seemed like the best and only option.  Josh was excited and chose the 94E (Communication Security Repair).  I watched as Josh was sworn it and although it scared me that we were now contracted for eight years (four years active four year inactive) my heart swelled with pride as I watched my husband salute the flag and make a vow to serve and protect our country.  Who would have thought that my stoner boyfriend would turn into my soldier husband?  He had come so far, despite the small setback, but where was I?