Chapter Fourteen: Regrets and Mistakes

Our third year of marriage started out in a Best Western.  Josh would get up and leave early for work while I tried to find things to entertain myself while he was gone all day.  As a result most of my time consisted of watching TV or writing seeing as Bentleyville was such a small town their only fast food options were McDonalds and Subway.  Anything else required a forty minute trip into Washington PA.  Never in my life had I been anywhere so secluded.  Growing up in the suburbs of Denver, this lifestyle of living in a place where people have known each other for their whole lives was foreign to me.  I felt like I was at an impasse because for the first time in my life I had absolutely nothing to do.  Now that school was over I felt lost as I had nothing to accomplish.  There wasn’t much hope of getting a job because the only thing that I could do with my degree was to teach, and I wouldn’t be able to get state certified before the school year and there was no desire to drive the forty minutes to Washington for some minimum wage job.  After the first three weeks, I already hated life in Pennsylvania.

We were able to find a really good deal on a duplex in some burrow known as Cokeburg, PA.  The “town” and I use that term loosely, consisted of three streets of houses, a general store that was so old I didn’t trust any of the food they sold and post office.  That’s it.  My parent’s subdivision was bigger than this “town” was.  Our duplex used to be a house that had been split in two.  Our land lord told us how the house was built in 1903 and that the town sits on top of an old mine.  That’s where the town got its name.  The houses were built for the workers in the mine and the runoff from the coal they mines was called coke; hence, Cokeburg.  Almost all of the miners were Italian immigrants, meaning most of Cokeburg is still a mass majority of descendants from that early time.  He went on and on about the quaint charm of the neighborhood, but all I saw was depression.  There were some houses that were literally falling apart and condemned while other houses should have been condemned, yet still housed families.  Our house had been renovated and we were excited to get the deal we got for this spacious two bedroom duplex, but I was less than thrilled with the location.  Cokeburg is literally out in the middle of nowhere.  If I wanted McDonalds, I would have to drive fifteen minutes back to Bentleyville.   There was nowhere to go and nothing to do.  My cell phone didn’t even have reception within my little burrow.  I felt utterly lost and alone. 

When Josh was away at work I felt uneasy.  I had never had trouble being by myself before and honestly I usually cherished the personal time I had, but in that house I felt on edge.  I always had that weird sensation that someone was watching me.  I was terrified to do my laundry in the basement and I chastised myself time and time again for being so silly as I had never been scared of anything, but I couldn’t shake the heaviness I always seemed to feel.  The cats were nice to have as companions, but even their behavior made me weary and uncomfortable as one cat in particular would always puff up and hiss at one particular spot in the basement.  I felt like I was going crazy when I would hear footprint upstairs even though I was the only one home and the cats would be sleeping.  Overall I felt I was always at a high state of awareness and it took its toll on my nerves.  I communicated these fears to Josh, but rather than dispel them, he agreed that he had experienced similar occurrences, which only fueled my agitation.

On top of this heightened anxiety, I had absolutely nothing to do for the first time I could ever remember.  We didn’t have TV or cable, and we didn’t have internet as our main goal to coming to PA was to save up as much money as we could.  So I literally wondered around the empty house all day by myself hoping to find something to capture my attention.  I was blessed that the family that lived in the other half of the house were part of the same company Josh was and on top of that they were also members of the same church we were.  I was soon introduced and this sweet vibrant woman reached out to me with open arms.  You see, all that confidence I had gained in Fort Collins, seemed to evaporate as soon as I left the small comfort zone I had established for myself.   Now that I was here in PA I second guessed everything.  I started getting down on myself because here I was in a house with nothing to do.  I didn’t have many skills to speak of; what was I doing with my life?  I closed off into myself for fear of making a fool of myself to the few people I had met, but Shawna, the sweet woman next door, did not let that hinder her desire to get to know me.  Instantly she made me feel like I was a part of her family.  Seeing as our husbands were often times putting in over a hundred hours a week, we were each other’s family as we turned to each other when in need of comfort or entertainment.

The longer we were in PA the less I saw of my husband.  He would often have to travel out of town for weeks at a time and even when he was in town he worked so many hours he only came home to pass out then wake up and leave again.  I was miserable and felt like I was living all by myself, well and with the invisible eyes that seemed to follow me everywhere.  Overall, the longer I was in PA, the worse my depression got.  Over the last two years I had gained a substantial amount of weight that no matter what I did, never seemed to come off and after eight months of actively trying I still was no closer to conceiving. 

I spent most of my time doing puzzles or crocheting with NPR or classical music on seeing as those were the only stations that seemed to work in Cokeburg.  When I could no longer stand the time by myself I would often walk over to Shawna’s and spent many a day shadowing her and playing with her two little girls.  As the time wore on the though the less and less I wanted to go out even though I hated staying in.  It seemed as if my back took horrible turn for the worse and I spent many a day just lying aimlessly on my heat pad, cursing the state my life was in.  I began writing more frequently and was surprised when I realized many of my thought had darkened and seemed to return me to that very negative space in my head I had been at when I went of the pain killers.  I had similar thoughts of trying to make the pain end and I began to be worried about the state I was in.  When Josh was home I tried to initiate outings hoping this would dispel the horrible funk I was in, but every moment we spent together, just intensified the negative I felt when we were apart, which at this point was very often.  Yet, we were doing exactly what we came to do: we were making lots of money and we were saving it up. 

Shawna was a true friend during this time as she wouldn’t allow me to hole up in my house for days at a time.  She invited me over and was always there to listen as I tried to learn who I was and what was going on with me.  She leant me videos and movies to help pass the time and would come over and do puzzles with me, keeping me company when I was the most alone.  I still don’t think this sweet friend knows just how much she saved my life that year by keeping me active and allowing mw time where I could focus on someone other than myself.

When Josh and I did talk, it never seemed to be about anything substantial, usually it was about how much he now hated his job.  The work out here wasn’t organized and run like the yard in Colorado and he hated the people he worked for and the increasing dangers his job presented.  He hated the hours and he hated the travel, but when I confronted him about quitting, there were always excuses as to why that option wasn’t feasible.  Life ticked away at a horribly slow pace and I struggled to just get through one more day.  It was on one of these eventless, lifeless days that I struggled to find something that I could do that would actually mean something to me.  It was then that I decided I wanted to share my story.  I started off writing about the accident and my recovery, but it soon turned into a love story as I recounted how and why I fell in love with Josh.  I was once again excited about something, but that didn’t last long.  You see, just a few short days after beginning this task I got a call from my husband who had once again been out of town for quite a while.  In a very terse phone conversation he let me know he has been out drinking and then quickly hung up.

I know for most people this is not a big deal at all, but Josh had worked so hard to eliminate all substances from his life that this came as a shock to me.  I instantly went into panic mode as I tried to access where my husband was at to lead him to old habits, mostly because when Josh did drink, it was always more than just a casual drink.  How could I not have seen this?  Was there anything else I did not know?  I felt betrayed because we committed to each other to never partake of harmful or addictive substances and I hated that not only did he do so, but he did so without me.  Without consulting me, or thinking of what that might mean to me.  I was hurt and went over to Shawna’s to try and calm myself of hurt and anger I felt weren’t necessary for the situation.  As I opened up my heart to herm I could see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes that I only assumed was her concern for me.  As I finished my little tirade she apologized over and over because she had know for a long time and threatened Josh that he needed to tell me or she would.  It seems as though my husband had been smoking and drinking for months and the whole time I had been unaware. 

The betrayal and hurt deepened as he had kept these things secretive and hidden from me.  I didn’t think it was fair that despite all my difficulties I had at least been honest about all of them with him and in return I find out about his habits from my friend?  Once again I worried that maybe these habits had escalated past what people were aware.  My mind automatically jumped to the worst possibilities.  Seeing as Josh and I had both spiraled downhill since our move I felt like we needed to get out of this situation.  There was no point in staying on in a job he hated and which required him to travel when I did not trust my husband’s weaknesses and why should I stay in a empty house by myself when it was only feeing into negative emotions.  I decided I was going to drive the five hours to Williamsport where the job site was located and insist Josh quit.  I didn’t care about having another job lined up or the fact that we still had renters in our house; I knew with all of my heart that we needed out of Pennsylvania. 

How had our perfect life gone so awry?  My mind raced a mile a minute as I drove the unfamiliar highways to go and pick up my husband.  What if he refused to quit?  What if I had to go search for him in some bar in a city I didn’t know?  What would I even say to him?  Did he even care how this was affecting me?  How could he lie to me, by hiding all of this?  Did he not respect me enough to tell me?  Did he not trust me enough?  All these questions spiraled around and around in my head until I was pulling up in front of the hotel he was staying in.  He didn’t see me park and he didn’t see me approaching him and his friend as they worked on a cigarette.  I thought he would be shocked and ashamed when he saw me; instead he was surprised, but wrapped me in a hug.  I told him I needed to talk to him in private so we walked outside of earshot of his coworker.  I let Josh know that I was not happy with him, I was not happy with myself and we both hated it here in PA.  I let him know that I had come to collect him and asked who he needed to talk to in order to quit so I could take him home.  He didn’t argue as I had anticipated he would he just told me to follow him.  We went to his room and collected his things and happened to run into his boss in the hallway where he apologized, but let his boss know this was his last day.  We walked to the car and started our long drive back to Cokeburg. 

It was during this drive that I expressed all my concerns and hurt feelings.  I remembered incidents of how I had smelt smoke on him and confronted him about it, but he had always explained it away as being in a van full of people smoking. I addressed the deception, the lying, the hiding, and the overall way I felt that he was pulling away from me.  Why would he lie and push me away when never before have I been judgmental of his choices?  He explained how he had been having a lot of highs and lows and he always felt the lowest when he was away on his out of town trips.  It was during these lows that it was more alluring to return to what he felt was always a part of him: his old habits.  Although this time he reassured me it was only drinking and cigarettes, nothing more.  Although I was hurt I tried to be as calm and level headed about all of this as I could be, but I felt as if my husband was regretting his choice to clean up his life; he was regretting choosing me.  I didn’t understand any of this.  I felt that out of everything in life our relationship was the one thing I could always trust; it was the one thing that had always stood true, so why risk it by lying to me?

I tried to continue our conversation, but Josh was already half asleep as we climbed the stairs to our room.  He was out in a matter of minutes while I lay there next to him feeling rejected because my husband lied to me.  He was pushing me away and the depression that still gripped my heart made me feel weak and worthless and despite his actions, I was taking the blame for his choices.  I made him drink because I wanted him to keep this job that made us so much money, and it was the job that stressed him to that point.  It was my fault he lied to me because obviously he didn’t feel he could open up to me.  I was feeling anger and resentment at him and myself and for the first time in our married life, I chose to sleep in another bed than the one my husband was in.

The next morning we began making plans as to what we should do with our lives now that we had no job.  Josh found someone who had recently joined the company who was willing to take over our lease and adopt the cats from us as we were unable to take them with us as we housed with other people.  Josh’s parents let us know we were welcome to stay with them while we looked for a job; my parents had offered the same thing, but with everything I had just found out about Josh, I didn’t think it was a good idea to move in with my parents while I felt discord with my husband.  We started packing things up and within a week we were on the road back west.