Feeling Conflicted

So there is nothing like being on your own to remind yourself of all you can accomplish.  My husband is in the field all week and so despite my bed rest status I am home alone for a week at 31 weeks pregnant and with my 22 mo old son.  Needless to say there isn’t a lot of bed rest going on in this home, but I am listening to my body to make sure I am not putting my newborn child into any danger.  I bring all of this up because I was very upset about my husband having to leave during this difficult time for me and feared I would not be able to do it all.  I know it is through the Lord’s help that I am getting through every day, but it also has caused me to reflect.  As many of you know only two months ago my husband decided he would rather divorce me than go to church or leave the Army; although that is no longer the case and we have been working on things, this week has reminded me that I can do a lot of stuff on my own and has also shown me just how much I have been doing already.  It has also brought to my attention the needs I have that are still not being met. 

For example, my husband and I have not been on a date since February (which I planned).  I have told my husband over and over that since he pretty much rejected me, he needed to date me again and show me that he did in fact want me in his life.  I was pretty much told this was something he didn’t know he could do at the moment (so another rejection in and of itself).  Although things have gotten better, being here alone makes me wonder if would not just be easier to break away and do it on my own since I still do not feel I am wanted.  I know that this would be taking the easy way out and not at all what I plan on doing, but it is further proof that right now time apart for Josh and I is not a good idea as it only brings in to focus the things we have not had a chance to fix.

I need to just focus on what is important: I have a beautiful family, and although Josh and I still have a lot to work through, he is now trying to make the changes needed to make him a healthier and happier person and in time will allow us to fix the things in our relationship that have been broken.  Time, patience, and faith are required.  I just miss the perfect life I thought I had.