Chapter Sixteen: Stronger and Confidant

Josh’s term of service started the day the he left for basic: June 8 2009.  I moved back in with my mom and dad after we had all our belongings moved into storage as we tried to sell the house.  Although I was surrounded by family I once again felt very alone.  Although we had been through the difficulty of long separations, I had still always been able to talk to Josh.  I would now have ten weeks of nothing but letters, which meant for the first time since I had been married, I was alone.  After being married almost three years it was surreal being back in my parent’s house.  Although they did not treat me in this way, I felt almost as if I was in high school again.  All the self doubts, depression, questioning where my life was going and what it was worth hit me hard all over again as I no longer had anyone to focus on other than myself.  However, unlike Pennsylvania, I planned on becoming stronger, better, so that I could be the best wife and person I could be.  I needed to learn to love myself, which in my eyes meant I needed to fix myself.  For me that started in the infertility clinic I began going to as soon as I had insurance. 

More tests were run, another ultra sound, a glucose test and a couple shots later I was given the same information.  I had PCOS and due to my irregularity, it would be difficult to conceive.  This doctor was much more aware of my condition and prescribed different medications that should help with many of the symptoms and hopefully making me more regular that I would have a higher probability at conception.  Seeing as Josh was away, my concern was no longer conception, it was now about gaining control over my body.  Most things I researched indicated diet was a big factor in helping regulate the body, but for me, even counting my calories and altering what I ate did little to no change in my symptoms and only made me feel more sour as I was seeing no results after all the effort I was putting in.  The medication also made me feel nauseated and moody which all seemed very counterproductive to what I was trying to do.  I needed to feel better about myself and in the end this was making me feel worse.  So after only three months of medication, I decided to go off all the medication I had been prescribed.  Especially after the accident and the hell I went through to get over the pain medication, I was now no longer a fan of putting chemicals into my body unless I knew for certain they were helping me. 

My mom was very supportive in my decision and recommended the diet and exercise rout.  At this point I wasn’t expecting any change, but since I now had someone to take walks and exercise with, it became more enjoyable and although it didn’t help with the PCOS, it did help me feel better as I became more active.  My mom and I talked everyday as I was the only child at home now and she became my friend and confidant as I pined for my husband and struggled with my inner demons.  We brought up a lot of old feelings and past hurts and for the first time in years I knew I really meant it when I told my mom I didn’t hold a grudge for the way she felt or acted as I hoped she had forgiven me for my selfishness and foolishness as well.  It was nice to have the relationship I once had with my mom again.  This rekindled connection reminded me that I was loved and that I didn’t always have to rely on my husband’s love to validate who I was.  Being able to talk with me mom helped me open my eyes as she communicated what she saw in me and it gave me hope and strength to always fight to be a better, stronger, more confident person as I fought my trials head on.  My mom reminded me of the strength I had in me as she saw it blossom while I struggled after the accident and although she was unaware of why we left Pennsylvania, she knew it had been hard and commented on how she was happy to see how Josh and I rallied together to get to where we were at.  It forced me to go back over the things I had been through and gave me the chance to see the progression I had made.  Although I did not enjoy the time separated from my husband, it taught me to find myself, and who and what I wanted to be so that I didn’t lose myself with my marriage.  I never felt as if I had lost myself until I didn’t know how to be without Josh by my side.  I could still be a good wife and support my husband, while still going after my dreams and goals as well and although it seems like such an obvious duh moment, it is one I somehow overlooked as I threw myself into the love I had for Josh.

The weeks crept by.  After one offer on the house fell through I was a little more hesitant in my excitement when another offer came in.  We had the house priced at about the same price we had purchased it for as a foreclosure in hopes of selling fast.  I was hopeful that we were getting as many offers as we were seeing as several friends of mine told me horror stories of houses sitting on the market for over a year due to the economy and mass amount of foreclosures in the area.  Yet miraculously, after only three months on the market our house sold, Overall, we didn’t lose any money but we didn’t make any either.  Although this was a blessing it was also another growing experience as I was in charge of making sure out house a hundred miles away had cut grass, and was in showing condition.  I then had the opportunity to exercise my POA (Power of Attorney) as I signed for both myself and Josh on the hundreds of papers that were required at closing.  I had a great realtor who made the process as easy for me as possible.  I was proud of myself though.  Josh had now been gone six weeks and I had sold the house.

I began finding things that interested me and filled my days with reading, crochet and writing which gave me a sense of fulfillment as I worked on the talents I felt I had.  Although I was once again home all day, I found ways to encourage my interests and stretch my abilities.  I was beginning to remember the person I wanted to be and became confidant that I could accomplish my goals.  I also began tutoring again and enjoyed the time I spent making up lesson plans and incentives to encourage my students.  I was doing what I loved and felt like I was once again making a difference in the lives of others.  Since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be getting pregnant anytime soon, I began looking into graduate schools all over the country, depending on where we were stationed.  Now that we had the deposit back that we put down on the house, I could now afford to go back to school.  I continued in my new diet and exercise and was still disappointed that I wasn’t losing any weight or regulating.  I did however start to feel better about myself as I was working towards being healthier. 

Josh was days away from graduating basic and I booked a flight to be there for his ceremony at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.  I was giddy with anticipation and couldn’t help but wondering what the past two and half months had done for Josh.  I wondered if I would recognize him in the sea of uniforms.  I would only be able to spend one day with him before he would travel to Fort Gordon, Georgia for AIT (which is where he would be trained for his job).  I felt like I had done a complete 180 as I finally had my emotions and goals in order and I hoped Josh would be able to see how much happier I was now that I was becoming comfortable in my own skin.  Before I knew it, my trip arrived and it brought back the dame giddy agitation and butterflies I remembered feeling the time I would travel to visit Josh while we were dating.  It also made me sad that even now that we were married we were still doing the long distance relationship more times than naught.  I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever have the normal life I had envisioned while love struck and imagining our future together.  I needed to just come to grips with the fact that my life would always be a swirling mess, but rather than letting the events control me, I needed to control how I dealt with the situation.  I had no idea how I would handle being an Army wife, but I knew I loved my husband and would support him any way I could.

The ceremony was excruciatingly long in the middle of a South Carolina heat wave.  The blob of uniforms below the bleachers made everyone autonomous and I quickly realized there was no way to recognize my husband in the crowd.  I waited while they went through their chants and flag ceremonies, waiting while one person talked after another and the desperate grapple as the crowed dissipated as everyone was in a mad rush to find their soldier and get off post.   After half an hour I finally found Josh and I have to admit he was unrecognizable as he had lost a substantial amount of weight.  He looked so good in his uniform and I melted instantly.  My heart swelled with pride as I saw his new discipline and composure.  Maybe he was right; maybe the Army was exactly what he needed.  After nearly three months it was bliss to be able to touch him, smell him, and see him again.  I felt as if my senses were overloaded and on fire as I viewed this man in front of me and I realized in that moment that’s what he was: a man.  We were no longer newlyweds or college students; we were adults now.  It seemed like such a fight to get to that point and yet, looking back I couldn’t tell you when or where it happened.  I had hope that this new beginning in the Army was exactly what we needed.  We had a new start and I planned on making the most out of it.

It was bliss spending that day with my husband and bitter sweet knowing I would lose him for another seven months the very next day, but we flooded each other with love and attention and soaked in all we had changed and become the short time we had been apart.  I was proud of my husband for his choices and I was proud of myself for mine.  We really were starting over.  Now I just had to make it through the next seven months before we would finally be reunited. 

After another three months at home with my parents I was going crazy that the only communication I had with my husband was a phone call every night.  We had now been separated for nearly six months and my body and heart longed to be with him again. After calling three different people I was told every time that the Army would not pay to move me and our belongings to Georgia and that I would have to wait until Josh was stationed somewhere more permanent.  Josh and I talked about it though and since I had been living with my parent’s I had saved up some money that I could afford taking some basics with m and getting an apartment in Augusta, Georgia next to post so that we could spend what little free time Josh did get with one another.  We were both so home sick for each other that it was planned out quickly.  I left at the end of September and moved into the cheapest apartment I could find that allowed me to rent furniture.

Seeing as I only had a car load of items, the move in was quick and I was please that I was only fifteen minutes from post.  Seeing Josh again brightened my spirit and reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place: he knew me, he loved me and he filled me up.  I thought I had come so far with my depression the last several months, but now that I got to see him daily again it was almost the same sort of bliss we had as newlyweds.  We snuck in kisses whenever we had a chance as if we were both trying to keep the physical contact we had missed so much over the last six months.  Although I still had fears and concerns that the issues in the past would crop up again, our marriage felt different.  It was new and fresh and we showed one another how much we valued the other.  After three years of marriage my husband still gave me butterflies and twisted up my insides when he looked at me with his deep penetrating eyes and I felt the connection I feared we had lost.  I felt like I knew who I was, I knew who Josh was and knew what our relationship was.  I felt healthy and happy and even though I still couldn’t live with my husband and only got a couple hours with him a day, it was still a gift as we relearned who we were and how well we fit together. 

It was a new experience as I began traveling on and off post as I soon found military life really was that; a completely different life and lifestyle.  I couldn’t help but think of Orwell’s 1984 every time my car was searched, or I was questioned as to what my purpose on post was.  I learned quickly that my military identification was more important than gold seeing as you needed to prove your identity at every building.  I learned the ranks to know who was “important” and learned just how fickle information was as it slowly leaked from a million different sources.  It was a frustrating education as I learned through trial and error what was expected and what was reprehensible.  It was a completely different world, but I was glad I had Josh there to help me navigate through the things that didn’t make sense.  I was surprised when one day I found myself talking in acronyms the way the Army teaches.  It’s funny, because it wasn’t really a life I chose willingly, but it was one that sucks you in quickly, forcing you to acclimate to the new surroundings and information.

There were a lot of things I instantly did not enjoy including the power trip driven leaders, wrong information passed out all the time, last minute changes, and even the way my husband was treat as he was “only and E2 or a private.”  Josh still loved it though, and he pushed himself to show why he was the best at what he did.  I saw him slowly start to come out of his shell as he gained more confidence and acceptance with who he was because he was a soldier and for some reason, that made perfect sense to him.  Josh has always had a very intoxicating personality and it’s hard not to feel what he is feeling; so this new burst of confidence and energy somehow fueled and energized me as well.  We did everything we could find to do.  We made friends. We fell in love as we dated again.  It was a weird sensation as now I finally felt like an adult, yet at the same time everything was so new, it made me feel helpless and young like a child.  Rather than over analyzing my situation or fretting over the rift, I enjoyed both sides.  Josh and I played around as we went for walks through abandoned trails and we classed it up as we saved up for nice nights out on the town and talked of things we both enjoyed.  Because I knew myself better and was more loving toward who I was, I was able to love Josh more because his love was an added bonus, not something I needed to function.

Josh and I in our new found closeness tried again to conceive a child.  I was put on fertility medications and we counted days and ovulation in hopes of increasing our chances.  Sadly, month after month we were disappointed time and time again.  At least now we didn’t go into every month thinking this was the month; instead we hoped but never really believed in the miracle we were hoping for.  It was at about this point that my doctor told me that I was not ovulating and if I was not ovulating, it was pretty much impossible for me to get pregnant.  What hope we had, quickly dissipated.  Josh and I instead started talking more seriously about adoption and foster parenting.  I wasn’t sure how that would work within the confines of the military but we were willing to give everything we had to become parents.  We had now been trying for just over two years.  It was at this point that my mom called and informed me she had a hormone test and was very low on progesterone and had begun using a topical progesterone ointment that had done wonders for her.  She strongly suggested I try it myself.  I was very sceptical, i had been on anf off medications for over a year now and nothing had helped or even improved my situation, how then could some lotion change my life?  I knew my mother was only concerned and wanted to help so I agreed to try; what the harm in trying, right? I began using the progesterone cream in November of 2009 as I decided once agin to go off the other medicatiosn that were not helping us conceive. 

My three and half months in Georgia passed quickly and before I knew it, graduation was upon us.  We waited impatiently for our orders hoping to get one of the three places we chose as our top picks.  These orders would change our lives as it would decide where we would be living for the next three to four years.  People were getting their orders months in advance and we were frustrated and disappointed that we got our orders a week before graduation, giving us a total of two weeks to get everything lined up to move our stuff from Colorado, find housing, and look for a school I could do my graduate work before Josh started work full time. Although we had very little timing, we were granted one of our choices; we were headed to Fort Campbell Kentucky.

We heard rumors that Josh would deploy soon after we got to Fort Campbell which made me feel even more blessed that we have been stationed where we had.  I had an uncle who live and hour north of there and a sister who lived and hour south, so even though it would be a new place, I still had some family close to me. 

Josh’s graduation from AIT was a day both Josh and I were proud of.  After ten months of training, Josh was now an official soldier and I was officially an Army wife.  Life was changing for us again as we were about to start all over in a new place.  We packed up what little I had brought with me and headed for our new home.  I had high hopes that despite the rumored deployment, we would still be able to spend some time together seeing as this would be the first time I lived with my husband in almost a year.  We hoped to start adoption papers as soon as we were settled so that we could start the long process we knew was coming.  With a new career and a new plan for the future we were both happy and in love and ready to face what life had to offer us.