Big Belly

I am thirty two weeks along in my pregnancy but the contractions are only getting worse.  It is now getting to the point that not only am I feeling their discomfort, but it has gotten to the point I can no longer walk through them.  I am confidant though that these contractions aren’t changing my cervix seeing as my discharge has not changed at all (meaning I am not effacing) and there has been no sign of me losing my mucus plug, so I see no reason to go into the hospital to waste the four hours to make them stop.  However, the consistency and length of the contractions are starting to worry me.  I have an appointment on Friday where I plan on sharing all of this with my doctor and if ever I feel I need it I will go to the hospital to make the contractions stop, but it is a very frustrating process all around.  For most women when they contract they have the peace of mind that the pain they are experiencing is at least doing something to work towards the birth of their baby.  For me, there is no sign it is doing any such thing, which I am happy about because I want a healthy happy baby and want to void a premature birth, but at the same time it is very frustrating knowing I have these limitations and pains, but for what?  I feel horrible because there are day I wish she would just come already and I can get my body back to “normal” which makes me feel selfish and weak. I only have seven weeks left until the c-section (as my doctor will not allow me to give birth naturally this time due to all the complications), but that is still a long seven weeks when I feel this baby wants out now.  It’s almost like constantly fighting against my body to try and keep in the child it is trying to spit out.  I am exhausted and worn out.  I went through this with my sin, but thought it was happen chance, but this proves that it was indicative of all my pregnancies and after the difficulties of this one, I wonder if my body can even support another pregnancy.  This breaks my heart as I always imagined myself with at least three children.  I know, only time will tell and miracles do happen.  I am just so tired.