Chapter Fifteen: New information

As soon as we got to Idaho Josh started searching online for job openings in Fort Collins.  We had six months to get a job before our tenants were out of the house, so we had a little leeway to find a job that would fit us.  Unfortunately, this was when the economy crashed and he was not finding any jobs he was qualified for, even with his new CDL license. Although we were worried, we did not fear seeing as Josh had never before had a trouble finding a job.  After the rough time we had in Pennsylvania, it was nice to be around family.  After a couple of weeks, I felt like Josh had paid his penance; he seemed contrite about his mistakes and apologized for the deceit that I was starting to warm towards him again.  I was saying as much to Shawna when she called me and once again she apologized for being the bearer of bad news, but suggested I confront Josh and demand he tell me everything.  I told her I had already done as much and I had not learned anything new.  She suggested I tried again because she wanted to give Josh the opportunity to tell me the truth. 

When I got off the phone my mind was racing with all the worst possible scenarios.  Had he indeed returned to drugs?  Had he cheated on me?  What wasn’t he telling me?  I confronted him and told him that people had been telling me he was still hiding things and that I needed the truth here and now.  If he couldn’t be honest with me then we didn’t have a relationship and he needed to choose what was more important to him.  I waited a couple minutes as I saw his mind processing what I was saying.  He then came clean that besides the drinking and smoking he had been viewing pornography.  Instantly my heart broke.  You see as of late we had been having issues in the bed room that were always explained away as low sex drive and fatigue.  Since this entire time I had been doing everything possible to get pregnant, this was a slap in the face.  To me it seemed as if he was deliberately choosing to not have kids.  Instantly, I was enraged.  The smoking and the drinking and the lying, I could kind of understand considering his past and not wanting to disappoint me, but the porn, that was self serving and selfish and I resented that he would do that to me when I was feeling low already.

Never had I felt so much anger and sadness towards my husband and it broke my heart, making me feel as if I didn’t really know the man I was married to.  Now that we were living in someone else’s house I didn’t feel comfortable sending my husband to the couch to sleep for the night, but for the first time, I didn’t want him in the same bed as me.  I didn’t want him touching me.  I asked him to sleep on the floor, which he did willingly, but I think that act alone awoke us both to the state our relationship was in seeing as before we always took every opportunity to be together and never went to bed upset with the other.  This night was very different though, because I knew this hurt and this anger would last a while as the betrayal ran hot in my veins.

I knew pornography is rampant in our society and many people don’t have an issue with it, but before we were married I confronted Josh on this issue letting him know that there would never be a place for it in our marriage.  Especially when it was replacing me in ways I needed to be fulfilled.  Although I was infuriated with Josh, I couldn’t help but ask why I wasn’t good enough.  Why did he have to turn to the porn?  Was it because I wasn’t good at sex?  After all he was my one and only, maybe I wasn’t any good.  Was it because I had gained so much weight since we had been married?  Was it because I wasn’t what he was attracted to?  After all I hated myself, why shouldn’t my husband hate me too.  I know this logic seems ridiculous, but at the time that’s the state of mind I was in and that was the only explanation that made sense to me. 

My depression continued on as I felt like such a victim throughout my life.  I turned to my greatest source of comfort: my religion and my relationship with the Lord.  Between trying to climb out of my depression and talks with my father in law he helped me see that the pornography was very similar to the other things Josh had been struggling with: they were all addictions.  Josh’s dad helped me see that Josh was feeling depressed himself and exhibited all the signs his other children with bipolar exhibited.  He explained how he had tried to reach out to Josh, but he felt that like before, I was the only one whose forgiveness was important to Josh, and therefore, I was the only one to help him through his hard time.  Although this made me feel like I was actually a valued part of Josh’s life it didn’t seem fair to me either.  Here I had been at a low for months and months, which I had vocalized to him yet I felt he had brushed aside and now I was supposed to help him out of his depression.  How could I do that when I didn’t know how to get out of bed myself some mornings? 

After a couple days of Josh sleeping on the floor I let him know he was welcome to join me in the bed again.  I explained that there was nothing any of us could do to change the past and that I needed to know he was willing to work towards our future.  I let him know I expected complete honestly, as I had never given him a reason to lie to me and that much of this hurt and anger would have been bypassed completely had he only been open and honest with me about what he was struggling with.  I let him know that because I was willing to work towards the future did not mean I was willing to forgive him yet, as that was something he had to earn.  I felt like I was being cheated out of my anger, but I knew focusing on Josh was what would help me forgive him as well as allow me the chance to focus on someone other than myself and although I didn’t realize this would help me out of my depression, ironically enough, that’s exactly what it did.

I found that Josh was indeed in a very negative place and had a lot of self hatred for the mistakes he had made, which only fueled his desire to be more self destructive.  I forced him to communicate with me as I peppered him with questions and tried to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible.  It took a lot of hard work and a strong will to not let my pride and hurt take over.  I did everything I knew how to do to communicate my love and concern until Josh was finally open to seeing what he was doing to himself.  It was at about this point we realized the impossibility of finding a job in Colorado while in Idaho and made plans to move in with some of my relatives so we were close to Ft. Collins in hopes of being able to travel to interviews more easily.  I was able to get a part time job, but it didn’t pay much.  The savings we had in the bank were slowly draining away with every insurance payment or phone payment, etc.  It was hard not to get disheartened again as it felt as if everything was sinking around us.

Josh and I did all that we could to talk and try and fix the rift that had separated us, but it was hard getting past the fact that he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him by engaging in the activities that he did.  It was hard to move forward when I didn’t know if I could trust him and the hurt I felt always seemed to be so raw.  I couldn’t help but flinch, if not physically, mentally every time he touched me making me wonder what it was he was really thinking about. He seemed sincere in wanting to change the habits he had created and he seemed sincere in making me a priority like he once had.  It was a very slow process but we were healing as he reached out to me, showing me with his actions rather than his words that I was important to him.  I couldn’t help but think back on the horrid time I had in Pennsylvania and wonder if maybe the depression was me subconsciously aware of the gap separating us, which put me back in that same self hating negative space I had been in until I found his love.  The made me realize just how much I depended on Josh for my own self-worth which wasn’t fair to him or to me.  I needed to start working on loving myself and I needed to do so without his help; the only problem with that is that I had no idea how to go about making that happen. 

The months passed slowly and despite the countless number of resumes and applications Josh submitted, we weren’t getting any calls back, or the calls back he did receive, it was always the same news: Josh didn’t have enough experience.  I was thankful for all the money we had put into savings, which allowed us to keep our heads above water for the time being, but we were running out of time.  In a matter of a few short months we would no longer have renters, which meant we would once again be responsible for our mortgage.  The stress was eating us up as we tried desperately to find work.

I then became worried when after four consecutive months I still had not had a period and the multiple pregnancy tests I had taken kept coming up negative.  I kept hoping that maybe the tests were wrong, but deep down I had a fear that something was amiss.  It looked like we would have to once again dip into our savings so I could go to the doctor even though we had no insurance.  I was nervous, after all the speculation Josh and I had guessed and assumed that our lack of fertility had to do with him, but this opened my eyes to the reality that we had no idea what was going on and I prayed that we would finally have answers and the prospects of being parents.  After all we had now been trying over a year with no luck, and each month it became harder to stay positive.

After a brief interview and an ultra sounds it was determined that I has PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I had no idea what that even meant and I was stunned and at a loss for words as the doctor explained that it was the leading cause in infertility in women.  Basically it meant that my ovaries are covered with cysts.  This changes the hormone balance and makes it very difficult for women to conceive as many women with this diagnosis don’t ovulate.  She went on to explain that I fit a lot of the symptoms including high testosterone, rapid weight gain, depression, and many other symptoms.  She pretty much said that I was a text book example.  I asked her what this all meant.  She replied on a very terse matter that it meant I needed to go on medication to induce a period and then go back on birth control to balance my hormones, I could try and get pregnant after I had regulated, she said I needed to lose weight and recommended I only at 500 calories a day and informed me that although it was not impossible, it was unlikely I would get pregnant.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  It seemed as if life was just throwing me one huge curve ball after another.  My heart broke because all I had ever wanted to be was a mother and now I may not have that opportunity?  What would Josh say or think knowing I most likely couldn’t give him children?  Here we were struggling to fix what had been broken and I would have to drop this bomb.  I hated that this was happening to me.  I already felt broken due to my continued limitations with my back and then the one thing my body should be able to do it was now unable to do!  This just wasn’t fair.  I understood that due to our situation and station in life it was not a good time to have a child at the moment, but to be faced with the knowledge that I would never get that gift made me feel robbed and cheated.  I already struggled with my body limitations and body image that this just made me hate my body, what good had it done me?  Despite all this anger and frustration there was some relief too.  I had fought my weight and depression for as long as I could remember and now there was a valid medical reason as to why that was.  I had always been the chunky one in my family and a lot of times I felt I was looked down on as having no self control or something as my frame always seemed to pudge up despite what I ate or how many sports I participated in.  So although it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, at least I had some answers. 

As soon as I got home I told Josh the news.  I could see the sadness in his eyes as the reality of what I was telling him sunk in but he held me in his arms and whispered over and over that it was okay we would have kids whether I birthed them or not.  I asked him what he meant by that and he reminded me that we had talked about adoption before and he still would love to adopt and he would love to be a father any way we could.  This softened my heart as he gave me hope that despite my body’s short comings, we still had a lot to be hopeful for.  After all the months of holding Josh up, it was nice to let him emotionally support me.  Even though it was yet another trial, this one was bringing us closer together.  It seemed that since we left Fort Collins our lives had been flipped completely upside down, and despite the past I was grateful to have a husband to help me through the nights and days I didn’t think I could face alone.

Josh and I pulled together as the date for taking over our mortgage crept closer.  My mom informed us of a CDL fair going on in Denver where businesses looking for CDL driver would be set up.  We were confident and went down with high hopes, thinking this might be the answer to our prayer and the end of our five months of unemployment.  There were a couple of booths set up as literally thousands of people milled about picking up applications.  It did not take us long to find that we were at a loss.  Seeing as so many people were out of work like we were, businesses were able to be picky and every business we looked into required ten years experience.  Seeing as Josh was only 23 he obviously didn’t qualify.  We were disheartened and as we were leaving Josh took notice of the Army booth set up in the corner.  He went over and asked a couple of questions and we left soon afterwards.  I noticed Josh was unusually quiet as we headed back home and asked him what he was thinking about.  He told me that he felt very strongly that we should look into the Army.  My gut reaction was to reject the idea.  My sister’s first husband had been military and I knew what a difficult life that was and wanted no part of it.  Josh however, had grown up military.  His dad was retired Air Force, so I could see how that would be a possibility for him.  I tried to not be too negative, but dismissed the idea. After all it didn’t seem like a real idea.  I mean, we had a house and a life we were trying to get back in order, what we needed was a stable job, not more chaos.  At least that’s what I thought anyway.

Josh however, had a hard time letting the idea go.  I found him looking up information that night and as the days passed, the more and more I heard about the Army.  Obviously, this was a real proposition to my husband and one I needed to take seriously.  We sat down and talked about it and I let him know that if and I stressed the word if; if we were to join the military I would prefer the Air Force as I knew their deployments were shorter and tended to be known as more family friendly.  Josh agreed that was his first choice as well, but since he only had his GED and no high school diploma he did not qualify.  I hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but he pressed me further as he brought reality to my attention.  We had less than a month before our tenants left, we had been unemployed for over five months and our savings was close to depleted.  After all the time of trying to find a job we were both very aware of the state the economy was in and Josh expressed his need to be able to take care of me and he knew in his heart this is something he could do and would enjoy doing.  I still wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but I was now open to listening.  Josh suggested we talk to a recruiter together so we could get the information we needed.  I agreed that if he was serious about this, then I would support him in visiting the recruiter.  We planned on going the very next day.

Josh was nervous and asked if I would help him pick out his outfit, a rarity within our marriage, which I gladly obliged to.  I was nervous as we drove into town.  My mind was spinning with questions and concerns.  Life had become such a whirlwind and I didn’t know how to keep my feet on the ground.  As we stepped into the recruiter’s office and they saw Josh’s interest they began with a barrage of information and questions.  They were a little skeptical of his past misdemeanor charges, but after Josh scored as high as he did on the practice ASVAB, the test to determine their intelligence in different areas, they let him know they wanted him.  I asked all my questions and voiced all my concerns and by the time we walked out I wasn’t any more comfortable with the idea, but Josh was now determined to make this happen.  We sat down and talked again, but I let him know I didn’t know how I could support him in this when the whole situation made me very uncomfortable.  This wasn’t the life I wanted.  I wanted to live in Colorado.  I wanted to be close to family, I wanted him to have a nine to five job and until we had the opportunity to be parents, I wanted to do graduate school.  If Josh joined the Army, I wouldn’t have any of that. Yet, it was more than just me being unwilling to give up what I wanted, the situation was scary.  I had heard story after story of how after people joined the military they changed and I didn’t want Josh to change.  Despite his short comings, I loved who he was.  I didn’t want to have to go through basic, AIT, and deployments without him.  I had just experienced a life without him and it nearly broke both of us. 

It was also at this point I realized that although I still thought leaving our situation in Pennsylvania was the best option, it was also an attempt to run from our problems and in the Army we would be stuck for eight years.  It took a lot of reflection and although I did not want to be military, I knew in the end Josh was right.  We were running out of options and this fell in our lap and despite all my fears, it felt right.  When I told Josh I was willing to support him in his choice to join the Army, I saw his face light up; there was no mistaking the desire he had to be a soldier.  We began making a list of things that needed to be done, such as putting our house on the market, getting Josh into shape so basic would be more bearable for him, and deciding what we should do with all our household items and myself while he went through basic and AIT.  The whirlwind of our life sped up as we had only a month to complete this before he left for basic.

I was able to go with Josh to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) where he took his APVAB and then met with a counselor to pick his MOS (Military Occupation Specialty), in other words to choose the job he would do for the Army.  Josh was a little nervous about his test but came in proud with the score of 93/100.  Seeing as he only needed 40 to qualify, he was proud of himself and hopeful that he would have more job options open to him with his scores.  I was glad Josh valued my opinion enough to allow me to visit the counselor with him, as this did indeed affect the both of us.  The counselor we had was open and very honest and let Josh know that because of the time of year he was enlisting a lot options were already filled up, but because of his scores he did have more options than many others.  With that being said he began to go over the jobs and security clearances Josh qualified for.  I could tell the information and lists the counselor was dribbling out to Josh was overwhelming him.  After a few questions we determined that out of the list there were only two MOS’ that would challenge Josh’s intelligence: communication security repair or a surgeon.

We asked what the communication security repair entailed and basically it was someone who could repair the high tech radios the Army used for communication.  Mostly it was electrical knowledge.  It would require a medium security clearance and came with a $15,000 bonus.  As soon as he explained the job details, I knew it was a fit for Josh and the bonus would be helpful as we now had very little money to our names.  With the economy the way it was, we didn’t expect to get out of our house what we had put into it, so this seemed like the best and only option.  Josh was excited and chose the 94E (Communication Security Repair).  I watched as Josh was sworn it and although it scared me that we were now contracted for eight years (four years active four year inactive) my heart swelled with pride as I watched my husband salute the flag and make a vow to serve and protect our country.  Who would have thought that my stoner boyfriend would turn into my soldier husband?  He had come so far, despite the small setback, but where was I?