Chapter Thirteen: Year Two

Josh and I were ecstatic about getting into our new house and my parents were instrumental in making that happen.  My mom helped me find the right paint we would need in all the different rooms of the house and helped with input on what colors would look nice.  She then spent many a day in our work in progress paining room after room with me.  My dad helped up find a great price for wood flooring and he helped install it as he taught Josh how to continue in the work when my dad was no longer available to be there.  We all poured our sweat and time into our work and I was surprised at how quickly this house felt like my home.   I loved the colors that brightened the walls and the cherry hardwood floors that made it all feel classy.  I began placing each piece of furniture with care, taking into account aesthetics and comfort.  In just a couple months, this house was pretty much everything I could hope for.  Seeing as we were in no rush to finish the basement Josh and I lived upstairs and used the entire basement as storage and housing for the two cats we adopted: Sakura and Books.

In a matter of months, we practically flipped the state of our house and had it set up and functional before it was time for me to return to school as I started my last year of college.  Josh and I loved our house, but we soon realized that despite our research and preparation there were several things we forgot to account for.  After utilities, rent, tax and other daily expenses we realized that it was just a matter of time that we would be spending more than we were bringing in.  The thought terrified me.  I hated to ask Josh to try and find a different job since he enjoyed the one he had, but he realized he wanted a job where he could provide for me and our future family and hopefully find something more long term.  Although our solution wasn’t solved immediately, it wasn’t too long before a good friend of ours raved about his new job in the oil field.  He wasn’t bashful at all when he shared with us what he was earning and even offered to set Josh up with an interview.  Although neither one of us were very excited about the prospect, we decided it was worth looking into.

Josh went to the interview and was hired to begin schooling for his CDL (Commercial Driver’s License) to be able to drive a big rig (their fracking equipment) to all the different locations.  Although they let him know he would be traveling with the job, he would receive per diem and start off at an hourly rate that was double what he was making at the furniture warehouse.  Seeing what he could make, we were sold on the job as it was answer to our financial problems.  Plus the company was paying for him to learn to drive a big rig, a skill that he could carry with him the rest of his life.  We were excited for this new change. 

School continued to go very well for me as I excelled in my classes and felt fulfilled and enriched with what I learned.  I read on average four books a week and usually had to write two papers a week, but I loved the way it opened my eyes and taught me to think.  Josh too excelled at what he was doing.  Although he didn’t enjoy driving a semi, he did so safely.  He loved the fracking part of his job which required a learned skill and physical labor, which Josh has always enjoyed.  He came home proud now that we had double the income to live off of.  We both maintained busier schedules and sadly there were days we didn’t see each other at all, but we were both enriching ourselves and supporting the other as we advanced ourselves into the world.  We still made time to date and Josh still made it a priority that every chance we got, to take off in the car driving along, with the intention of getting lost.  We had many a great adventure this way as we viewed beautiful scenery, hiked hidden trails, and picnicked out in the middle of nowhere.  Life was good and although I didn’t think it was possible, I fell in love with my husband more and more as the days passed on. 

Our many trips to my parent’s house had helped things considerably as they had a change to get to know Josh the way I did.  They were able to see the way he treated me with love and respect, they could see the way he made me happy, and they could see how he provided for me.  Life really was looking up and although there was still many a day I struggled with back pain, I was so very thankful that my life had led me to where it was at. 

Although Josh and I had been married, we still believed that if we were sealed in God’s holy temple, our union would not be earthly, it would be eternal and we made it our goal to accomplish just that.  My life with Josh was going exactly how I had planned it and nothing made me happier than experiencing life together.  After a year and a half of marriage I was sealed to Josh for time and all eternity on March 21, 2007.  Since I never had a reception for my wedding, my mom took it upon herself to plan, pay and organize a reception that included family friends as well as our friends.  Especially now that we were newly settled into our new house she was very aware of how gifts and gift cards would come in handy.  She decorated and had finger foods, but what I was most excited about was the wedding cake we finally got.  It was beautiful and although I was never a fan of being in the spot light of functions such as these, I appreciated all the work my mom put into it when I saw all she had done for us.  To be quite honest, I was very rude about the whole thing though and I greatly regret how I behaved.  Here was my mother, going out of her way to help us out and show her love and support of us and sadly I saw it as an act of contrition for how things had played out before.  I know I hurt her feelings by downplaying and even snubbing some of these great acts of kindness she performed for me and I regret that what should have brought us closer together, now due to me, we seemed just as separated as before.  I want to say that I was trying to mend my hurt feelings, but pride got in the way and I had a hard time letting go of those feeling of rejection I had felt so deeply.  Despite my crappy attitude, the day was beautiful and we received many beautiful gifts and gift cards to further make our new house a home.

Now that we were eternally bound, had a home and a very reliable and substantial income, we decided I would go off of birth control seeing as I only had a couple months of school left.  The timing seemed perfect because our life together was so perfect and we wanted nothing more than to enter the world of parenthood.  Josh’s job called him away more and more, and my schedule became more hectic with graduation approaching that as the months slipped by I accounted our lack of conception to my body adjusting to its natural cycle, the stress I was under, as well as the spermatic attempts we had during those crazy months.  Despite it all though, every month I hoped with all my heart I would be blessed with the gift of a child.  My cycle was very sporadic that many times I would test believing this was the month that would change my life.  However, month after month I was disappointed.  I never voiced these disappointments as I knew I was probably over reacting.  I knew it took some women up to six months to get pregnant after going off birth control, so I tried to be as patient as possible.

As my graduation date approached, so did the stress of what I would do after graduation.  I had always considered the possibility of graduate school in the back of my mind, but now that the time was here, I felt ill prepared.  I vacillated back and forth as to what my next move should be.  By the time I made my decision I only had a month to take my GRE before my application was due.  This didn’t give me much time to study and I did what little preparation I could before I enrolled in the test.  I felt completely unprepared as I walked into the testing room.  You are given five hours for the test, but after two I had finished as best I could, knowing I had probably guessed on more questions than I had worked out.  I was disheartened, but was glad I had a high and steady GPA to help out my application.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure though and went in and talked to my advisor who assured me the GRE scores didn’t weigh into the application process at all unless it was a really good score that would set me apart from others, but it would not be detrimental at all.  This was a big relief.  The further I got in my application process the more aware of all the costs I would have and with the strength of my application I applied for a graduate teaching assistantship.  There were very few of these spots open, but if I could acquire this honor I would have the privilege of teaching a 100 or 200 level class while my tuition would be paid for.  I received several prestigious recommendations and I felt confident as I turned in my application for Graduate school. 

My school year was coming to an end and along with it, the new that Josh’s yard he worked out of would be closing down.  Here we finally found a job that would support us and that he enjoyed and he was now faced with the decision of having to try and find a new job, or to move with the company to Pennsylvania.  Josh, knowing I had just applied to graduate school in Colorado asked what I thought he should do.  What were we to do?  We had a house and a mortgage payment; good jobs were hard to find seeing as Josh only had his GRE.  Even if we stayed, I would not be able to afford school without the income he was making now.  I told him we should think it over and weigh all our options as we still had a little over a month to decide, but deep down I already knew we would be leaving the town and the house that had become our home. 

I was very proud when I graduated with a 3.5 GPA.  I now had a BA in English literature with a concentration in both history and philosophy.  I was now a college graduate.  Although I had not received the teaching position, I had been accepted into the graduate program.  I think I took this for granted until I saw how many of my friends were not accepted and I took pride in the privilege I had  to work toward my dream job: to teach at a university. 

Here we were coming up on the end of our second year and I felt Josh needed to make the decision whether we stay and find a new job or whether we moved.  After all he had spent the last two years supporting me with my education, I felt as though it was time for me to return the favor and support him in what he wanted to do.  We spent the week of our honeymoon camping in Yellowstone with Josh’s family; it as during this beautiful week full of adventure that Josh decided we would move to Pennsylvania.  Once we got home we had two weeks before Josh had to report to work on the other side of the country.  We decided that we would move to Pennsylvania for a year, which would give us the opportunity to save up a lot of money while we rented out the house to some friends of mine.  After a year we would have a cushion were we could return to our home and allow Josh some time to find a job, while I reapplied to graduate school.  Everything seemed to fall into place, reassuring me that this was what needed to happen in our lives.  Never had I planned on moving outside of Colorado, and yet this whirlwind swept up away in a week time and planted us in Bentleyville, PA where we had three weeks of a paid hotel to aid us as we searched for a place to live. 

This year had been much more chaotic than the last, but my love for Josh only changed in that it had grown increasingly.  I thought after two complete years of marriage would know everything there was to know about my husband, but life is a fickle thing which stretches us into growth and I loved getting to know my soul mate each and every day, and although the next year was full of uncertainties, I looked forward to traveling through this new chaos with my best friend.

My milk must be coming in or something because today I have felt a total switch in hormones where all day I have been agitated and depressed. I hate feeling like I am so out of control when it comes to my own body and yet, because of the depression, I really don’t want to fight feeling the way I do.  Maybe a bubble bath and a good cry is what is needed tonight.  What do you do when you are feeling low?

Chapter Twelve: First Year of Marriage

I know for many the first year of marriage is one of the most difficult as the new couple strives to acclimate to the new person in their schedule and environment.  For us though, it was the opposite.  Having only lived with female roommates before I thought I would struggle sharing my space with a male, but the transition was effortless.  It helped that our long distance relationship had allowed us the time to discuss everything from standards of cleanliness to OCD habits, leaving us with very few surprises.  We lived in a quaint one bedroom apartment just off of campus, allowing me to walk to my classes while Josh drove to his work at a furniture store.  My parent’s wedding gift to us was my childhood furniture as well as their previous living room furniture and a dining table, which saved us a lot of money as we started out.  We set up a budget and planned our lunches and dinners around each others schedule, always making sure we spent as much time as we could with each other.

In short, life was bliss.  I watched Josh play the games that were important to him and in return he would accompany me to my study groups, helping quiz us as he met my friends.  It was a dream come true having him be by my side as we supported and were a part of each other’s lives.  We truly became one as we supported and helped stretch the other to grow.  Josh’s spontaneity was the solution to my over organized, stressful life and for the first time I felt a balance I had never had before.  For the first time in my life I was spontaneous and carefree, planning life only around school and spending all my free time with my new husband.  It seems like a weird thing, but I grew in confidence as I felt like I had my life in order and mapped out in front of me.  I took pleasure in my school work and was even asked to tutor ESL (English as a second language) students from South Korea, which became a profitable part time job, which pushed my skills as I learned to prepare lesson plans and work with a variety of kids one on one. 

My life was work, school, church and lots of play and looking back I would say that was the best year of my life as the responsibilities were low and Josh and I continued to grow our love for one another.  I never knew one could feel so attached and connected to another being as I learned to be with my husband that year.  Together we worked on ourselves and our relationship.  We tried to make it a point to hang out with my family at least once a month to give them the opportunity to finally get to know Josh and although things still seemed a little forced and strained it was nice being able to be with my husband and family without feeling like I had to choose on or the other.

During this year I got to know my husband better as I saw the days he struggled when he would wake up agitated and reclusive and upon prying would find that those days he mentally fought the temptations of his past that he could still experience with his senses through memory and the difficulty he had in not letting it take him over.  Although I knew these days were tough on him, I was so proud that in just a year he had gone from the drug taking lost boy to a husband and a man who refused even alcohol or cigarettes, wishing to rid his life of all addictive substances.  Although these days were hard, they made me fall in love with my husband more.

It was fun watching ourselves as we fell into our respective roles and responsibilities as we let our strengths guide our household upkeep.  We cooked together, did chores together, read together and at the end of most days we made love together and for the first time in my life I felt like I was an adult, like I was a person of value and that I had the greatest gift on Earth: my husband.  He was a great husband too.  He would go out of his way to encourage me to get the things I desired despite my intense frugality.  He would support me in all my classes and goals, encouraging me and validating me every step of the way.  He treated me like the queen he said I was, as I reveled in it.  Like a caterpillar gathering its strength in the cocoon for its first flight, I felt like I finally had spread my wings.

Once the New Year hit and Josh had a stable job and had put me on insurance I was ecstatic to finally become Mrs. Cherish Borland.  Although it was a hassle to change my name, it was worth it to have the name tie me to the man I was so proud of.  It was just one more thing that made me feel closer to my husband.

Josh and I found couple friends and became social, going out around town and to functions held at the school.  We were living life and we were both blissfully happy.  When the year lease on our apartment was coming up we were debating on whether we should renew our lease or not and kept debating back and forth since we knew the rent would be rising.  As we were trying to decide our apartment began flooding with sewer water from a clog in the city pipes.  We were blessed that very little was damaged as we did not have the foresight to have renters insurance and although it was a pain to go through our items and move things around so that all the carpet could be replaced, it was an answer to our debate.  We began looking for other places to rent, but some friends of ours were talking about buying a house and Josh and I both felt impressed to look into the idea of home ownership.

 

What started as mere curiosity became a whirlwind of activity as we began viewing homes and talking with a broker to see what we could afford.  It was surreal to me that only after a year of marriage we were buying a house.  Why not though?  We didn’t plan on moving anywhere because Josh and I loved Fort Collins and I still had a year of school left, so to me it felt like a smart investment so we were paying towards equity rather than some landlord.  We were very aware of what we could afford monthly as our mortgage and were a little disheartened at first by many of our prospects.  However, it wasn’t long before we found a house that was perfect for us.  It was a house that had been foreclosed that needed a little loving care, but we knew we could make this house a home.  It was a bi-level house with two bedrooms a bath, kitchen and living/dining room upstairs and an unfinished basement with another two bedrooms, bath and a large room that would be perfect for a children’s play room.  It was a house we could grow into and I could see us living here for a very long time.  Josh and I both felt like this was the right things to do, so we made an offer and it was accepted.  We closed on the house just a week before our first anniversary.  In our first year of marriage I had completed another year of school, Josh had found a job he enjoyed and we had purchased our first home.  Life was good and I just assumed it would always be that way.

Oh politics

              So unless you have been living under a rock you all are aware of the chick-fil-la debate going on.  For those of you who do live under a rock the quick synopsis is that when the owner of chick-fil-la was asked if he supported gay marriage he replied essentially that he did not.  To be honest my husband and I are quite fed up with the topic because it does no one any good.  For starters EVERYONE knows that Chick-fil-la is owned by a Christian owner (hence the reason they do not do business on Sunday) so I don’t know why this came as such a surprise to people.  Second the owner does not refuse service to homosexuals or bisexuals, he stated his personal opinion which was reflected onto Chick-fil-la.  All of this aside though it sparked an interesting conversation between me and my husband.  We began talking about rights and equality (where if you know me it turned to female equality) and how I do not desire men and women to be treated the same as we do function and think differently, but I do desire women and other minorities to be treated equally. 

              Josh then posed this question: what if you could have that equality but hundreds of people had to die.  What if one person could make that possible, but he was viewed as a villain?  I told Josh that what he was proposing sounded more like a Hitler scenario where one person comes in and manipulates people and scenarios to what is the imagined benefit of few people.  Obviously, I would not be ok with that, but if it were more like the revolutionary war where people stood up together to defend their rights then I felt the deaths would be an acceptable price for what could be gained.  Unfortunately, I don’t ever see this happening.  I fear that we as a people are too self absorbed to be able to see a bigger purpose past ourselves.  As individuals we are too caught up in our own needs and desires that we have become complacent.  We can’t seem to see past ourselves to view ourselves at a social or national level, otherwise there would already be some sort of reform in action over where the state of this country is at.  This is where Josh and I began to disagree.  He thinks that people have in general become complacent and therefore abstain from making an issue of anything because overall it what they want; they want people to decide for them so they don’t have to worry themselves with the task.  That is why they will bemoan their situation but fail to initiate any change.  I however, do not feel that this is what people want, but as a society we haven’t really had the need to be taught how to fight such injustices and because of America’s have what you can now mentality, many people don’t understand the time or the work that is needed to invoke change.  What do you think?  Do you think a revolutionary war is possible with the blasé attitude most American’s have?


Clarification: It was pointed out to me by several people that I had not clearly expressed what I meant with women equality.  I do think men and women should be treated equal, but I do not believe this means treating women the exact same way we treat men.  For example, women bear children, they are granted maternity leave.  Although I agree men should have maternity leave as well it is obvious that women need a longer period to heal/adjust to her body and child.  This shows where men and women are treated differently, but still equally.

Finally…Progress!

              I have nothing but positive things to say! After calling and making an appointment for Josh at the end of August with the psychologist I wanted, she got him in due to a cancelation just three days after my initial call.  I went to the first appointment with Josh and his recommendation so that I could better vocalize some of things that were plaguing us.  I was so impressed with the doctor (because that is easier than writing psychologist every other word).  She was very good at explaining to Josh how she ran sessions, what she was there for, even down to the notes she took, making sure he felt comfortable and at ease with her and the therapeutic environment.  She made sure to reassure him that she would not share any of his information, not even with me unless he expressed otherwise.  Because we are doing the counseling the way that we are she is not obligated to repot his progress to anyone, making the only stipulation if he was a threat to national security. 

              She then asked what she could do to help Josh and he answered that he needed help with some behaviors that were bothering him and our marriage.  She asked Josh what the behaviors were he needed help with and after about two Josh went blank.  She then asked for my input and I was able to fill in the gaps Josh had forgotten.  He later said that he was grateful that I was there to fill in the blank spaces because they were all things he wanted to work on but had be unable to think of in the moment.  She was very good about voicing back what she thought Josh was saying to make sure she clarified just what he was feeling and where he was at.  She validated his feelings and addressed my concerns and I was so surprised at how open Josh was being as it took me years to get to that same level of openness and intimacy.  It made me happy that in just a short period of time the issues that have been plaguing us for months were finally being addressed!  She was so great at reassuring Josh that his feeling were not abnormal for the things he has been through, while explaining what he what he was communicating to me in a way that I understood.  She was confident and reassuring that everything he struggled with was something they could work through together.  It was the most hope I have felt in months.

After the session I was curious to see what Josh thought of the experience and he admitted to being shaken up because never before had he been that open with someone and the thought of that openness and vulnerability scared him.  I showed him that although it was a very scary process the fact that he could open up to her showed that she was a good match for him.  I asked how it compared to his experiences with the doctors on post and he said they were very different.   On post as soon as they found out he didn’t intend to kill himself or someone else, they were not concerned with him unless it affected his job.  He then continued to say that he felt like he could see how meeting with this doctor could be helpful.  This made my heart swell to hear his words because we are finally moving in the right direction to get him the help he needs.  Josh has an appointment with her every week for the next four weeks and I couldn’t be more excited for this answer to my prayer.  Both she and Josh mentioned that I was welcome to the appointments whenever Josh felt he wanted or needed me there and I so happy that I can be included and a support when I an needed.  I am now once again excited for what the future has to offer!

Chapter Eleven: A Day Come True

When I returned home things were awkward; at lest they were for me.  I began telling family and friends that I was engaged and when we planned on being married.  Everyone I knew was shocked and surprised.  In fact there were several rather blunt individuals who asked me if I was getting married because I was pregnant.  I assured everyone that was not the case, but after that it seemed people would speak their mind and then walk on egg shells around the issue.  I know that I am to blame for that with my hasty retreat to Idaho, but it seemed to further fuel the idea that my wedding was some tragedy not to be discussed. 

Soon after I returned home my dad sat me down and said that while he did not agree with my choice to marry he wanted to support me and asked what I needed help with.  I admitted that I really had no idea and together we sat down and made out a calendar of events and a timeline by which to get things done.  I began viewing apartments up in Fort Collins where I was attending school and where Josh and I would be living after marriage.  My dad and I discussed health insurance and bank accounts and we both agreed that since Josh wouldn’t have a job right away it would be best to keep my maiden name until the end of the year so that I had insurance and a separate bank account to ease the worries of those so concerned for my well being.  Once I had my timeline worked out, the possibility of life married to Josh seemed doable and I was nervous with excitement for this new life I was mapping out.

My mom offered to take me dress shopping which I was very grateful for since I had very little knowledge about shape designs and body types.  Although there was still a lot of tension I could tell my family was making an effort and that’s all I wanted from them.  It was a comfort having my mom help me and comment on each dress I tried on until I found one that fit my budget and was ready to wear since the wedding was just a short time away.  It was beautifully beaded in the corset with a long billowy skirt.  In it, I felt like a queen.  I went and ordered a bouquet of Iris’ and white roses with a friend and even found the perfect apartment that would let us move in as soon as our honeymoon was over at a very agreeable rent.  Things were falling into place as the bishop agreed to officiate over the service and my sisters volunteered to do the music as well as my hair and makeup. 

The month until my wedding dragged on and flew by all at the same time as my life became a whirlwind of opportunities.  I couldn’t help but reflect on who I had been when I met josh and I couldn’t help but be proud as I tracked his progress over the last year and a half.  We had both struggled to regain control of our lives and the fight was exhausting, but I felt like I got through it because of his companionship and I considered myself nothing short of blessed as we embarked on being united legally as husband and wife after our long hard journeys.  I looked forward to being a wife; to be able to care for and confide in my best friend.  I looked forward to the no longer waking up alone wondering if love was a myth.  I looked forward to starting a new chapter of my life as I left single college student and entered into womanhood and marriage.  I guess I viewed my marriage as a coming of age milestone as I would now be so much more than just myself.

The day got closer and Josh and I decided to forgo any sort of get together after the ceremony and planned on leaving right after we were pronounced husband and wife to head up to Estes Park where we would celebrate our honeymoon.  I found a box of decorations in the crawl space left over from my sister’s marriage and decided to use what little was in there and call it good, after all I could care less about how things looked as long as in the end Josh and I were finally husband and wife.    

Josh and I met at the church an hour before the service was supposed to start and we decorated the little room with what we had before we went and changed into our wedding regalia.  My heart jumped into my throat as I self consciously stepped out of the bathroom and looked for Josh.  When I saw him there was a moment, and I knew this was all I would ever want: this man beside me for the rest of my life.  His tux was nothing less than flattering and I could tell he felt good in his finery.  It was a pure pleasure to see his eyes light up and warm as he viewed me in my entire splendor.  He came up and embraced me with a smile reaching from ear to ear and I knew Josh was feeling the same things I was.  We parted only to begin greeting the few guests we had invited to our special day. 

Once the ceremony started I knew this was one of the happiest moments of my life and despite the hardships we had to go through to get to this moment, it all seemed worth it as we stood looking into each other’s eyes as we anxiously awaited to say I do.  Tears began to mist at my eyes and this time it wasn’t because of pain or sorrow, I finally got to experience tears of pure joy and it touched my heart to the very center to see the same tears swelling in Josh’s eyes as well. When we finally presented as man and wife my elation was indescribable.  We shook hands with our guests and cleaned up the decorations before we changed and headed to Estes for our Honeymoon.  On July 29, 2006 I was married to my best friend; I was happy and I was starting a new adventure in life.

Our three days in Estes passed quickly and we took pleasure in calling each other spouse, husband or wife every chance we got.  I know that to many people marriage is certificate that makes things legal, but with my beliefs it felt as if I was righting a wrong. When Josh and I were intimate as a married couple it was a totally different experience for me as I no longer felt the guilt that weighed so heavy on my heart.  It was more than just passion or experience; it was a joining that was pure and communicative.  Although I felt remorse for losing my virginity early, I was proud to give my husband the gift of knowing he was the only one I had ever desired to be with and that I had saved myself for him.  There was such comfort in knowing that after our time in Estes we no longer had to say goodbyes, but would be by each other’s side for the rest of our lives. 

Although we knew things were still rocky with relations, we decided we would make sure and communicate openly with each other, to always be honest, and to make an effort to mend relationships that had been strained while keeping each other as our priority as we began our life together.  I was so happy and giddy and even though I was sad our short honeymoon was coming to an end, I was excited to move into my first apartment as a wife.

Penis VS. Vagina

              Ha ha, so if the title didn’t interest you, I don’t know what will.  You see last night my husband and I were talking about my changing body as I enter my third trimester.  For those of you who have ever been pregnant you understand all the changes that occur with your lady parts.  For those of you reading who haven’t been pregnant let’s just say there is a lot more you have to deal with.  For example at every appointment I have to pee in a cup and make sure I don’t have a UTI (urinary tract infection).  I was talking about UTI and yeast infections with my husband and said, “You certainly have it easy having a penis” My husband without waiting a beat, replied “I like my penis…I have never complained about having one.” And this got me to thinking.  I don’t think I have ever heard a woman say oh I like my vagina.  I made this comment to my husband and he agreed that anytime he heard a woman talking about her vagina she was usually complaining about it.  We then started talking about how many men refer to their penis as some sort of entity by naming it or personifying it.  Now I am not saying there aren’t any women who name their parts because I am sure there are, but it’s no common as it is with the make and he coveted appendage.  I was teasing my husband and said maybe Freud had it right about the whole penis envy theory.  However, all of this led to further contemplation (surprise, surprise).  Why don’t women feel the same sort of confidence and appreciation for their sexual parts?  Does it go back to how society and how women are viewed or is it simply because we don’t have our hanging on the outside of us to make it the extra appendage that it is for our male counterparts?  Is it because the female vagina does take more care and concern to avoid discomfort?  Or is it because our sexual exploits don’t help the way we are viewed, unlike with males, that we have no need to take pride in our sexual organs?  I would love to hear your inputs!

Moving in the right direction?

I am so excited I finally made an appointment with the psychologist I want Josh to see.  It is all set up and we have an appointment for the end of August but we were also put on a cancelation list so he might even be seen sooner.  As of right now Josh ran out of the medication he was on (prescribed by the Army) and on talking with him about it he has agreed to try something new to see if it will help.  Maybe between the two we might be able to find a balance that works for him.  As of right now things are still very hit or miss.  For example on my birthday I was very specific about all I wanted for my birthday was a date and to be intimate.  Sadly he failed on both accounts and although my birthday isn’t that important to me and neither are gifts I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for him to show me that I did in fact mean something to him.  I didn’t receive anything from my husband and I was deeply hurt by this because once again it makes me feel like I am fighting for something that may not even exist.  Then there was tomorrow.  For those of you who missed my facebook post I spent much of the morning in the hospital trying to stop contractions and early labor (which sadly is common for my pregnancies).  They got my contractions to stop and sent me home to stay in bed all day.  Well that’s near impossible with a 21 month old son.  My husband on his own initiative made it possible to stay home and take care of me and the kid.  He was attentive and caring and sweet as he made sure I was resting, comfortable and even entertained all the while trying to lasso the kid around the house.  This only indicates that once again he is still all over the place weather he sees it or not.  I am not asking for an immediate fix as I know that is impossible, but I am ready to start seeing improvement. 

Chapter Ten: Running Away

Disclaimer:  Yup another one...this chapter is a very emotional and person self exposure.  It include details of my loss of verginity (nothing vulger) that I hope can be viewed at by how I describe it, meaning please do not judge me or anyone else for our mistakes.  If you feel this is something you do not want to read about, feel free to skip this post, but I hope  you are willing to read about my life and what has made me who I am today.  I am open to critiques on my writing, but not my life.  Thank you for your respect!

I wish I could say my parents were willing to compromise and see what I saw in Josh, but that would be a lie.  In fact there wasn’t any compromise at all. For the next couple of days I could hear my mother crying loudly in her bathroom screaming, wanting to know what she had done to deserve this.  Why had her daughter done something so hateful to her and the family, hadn’t she taught her better than that?  For hours each day I could hear her wailing and lamenting my loss to my father as if I had passed away, shaming their name in the process. 

At times my mother would approach me making comments about Josh as if he weren’t any better than the gum that stuck to her shoe.  She begged me to reconsider.  She tried to convince me that Josh was only after the money I had received from the insurance settlement.  She kept telling me that Josh left me in the hospital without even finding out if I would live or not and asked how I could do this to her after all she had done to help me through the accident.  That one really hurt me because I never asked for her help, it was something she offered because she loved me and I guess she thought if I loved her I would marry someone she approved of, but couldn’t she see it was because of the accident that I had learned to finally live for myself; to live life and not feel guilty for living. 

I did understand her major concern: I would not be married in the temple, which is where a husband and wife are sealed for eternity.  I let her know that Josh and I did not meet all the moral obligations and so we planned on being married and going to the temple a year later.  I wanted her to know that my faith had not ever been shaken, but that I had made some mistakes.  I fear this only made things worse because now she saw Josh as the one who had defiled her daughter.  I had never given her details so I was hurt when she told me that I was only getting married because all I wanted to do was to keep having sex.  I didn’t validate her remark with a response, but that was the comment that pushed me over the line.  Although Josh and I had done things that were crossing lines and lowering standards making us unworthy of entering the temple, Josh and I had still not had intercourse.  I probably should have made such a fact clear, but I was ashamed at having done what I had done already that I didn’t feel comfortable discussing the matter with her, especially since she already was hurting and not in control of her emotions.  I guess I had hoped to have support.  I knew they wouldn’t support the marriage, but couldn’t they at least support me?  Did they not see the pain I was in at having to go through all of this alone?

This all seemed like too much to bear and I talked things over with Josh, coming to the conclusion that the sooner we got married the better.  We decided to get married at the end of July, so we had time to move into an apartment and get settled before I started school for my junior year of college.  That meant we would have a month long engagement.

My mom and dad were leaving for a few days to take my younger sister to a viola workshop in Utah and so they would be gone a couple of days.  I hate to say it, but I looked forward to their departure hoping to finally have some time to sort out the pieces of my life that lay shattered and broken.  Since we got engaged, Josh had been trying to get time off so that he could come and visit me and so we could go and get me an engagement ring; fortuitously, he got time off during the weekend my parents were gone.  We both figured this would be for the best since feeling were still so raw. 

When Josh got into town we got him a room at a motel six.  It wasn’t a great place, but it wasn’t old and gross either, plus we both wanted to conserve money as we started working out a balance of combined funds.  It was so nice being able to be with Josh.  It seemed that every time we separated the harder it became to wait until next time.  He would only be in town for a short period of time and I shared with him my worries about him leaving because while I was in his arms, I didn’t care what my family said or did because I knew I was making the right decision for me.  I told him only a few of the things that were going on in the house, but he could tell how much it was weighing on me.  However, Josh made sure to take my mind of the matter as we went and got my engagement ring.

I was excited as the reality of marriage hit me.  I looked into each case imagining the different rings on my finger, wondering if that would be the ring I would wear for the rest of my life as a symbol of love.  Although Josh had little money, he offered to get me any ring I wanted and I know with all of my heart he would have sold the shirt off of his back as long as he knew he could make me happy.  Lucky for him though I am a fairly simple girl and was attracted to a simple marquee cut.  The ring was in our price range and even came as a set, allowing us to buy mine and his wedding band at the same time for a low price.  Josh wanted to hold onto the ring so that he could propose to me again since we didn’t really have an official proposal, but I was too excited and demanded to wear the ring.  The elation I felt as he slipped the ring on my finger was indescribable.  It was as if the last year and a half had all been in preparation for this one moment.  Every pain, every tear, every laugh, every smile; it was all leading us to each other.  My heart was full and for the first time in my life I could think of nothing else in the world I could want more than what I had right in front of me.  In that moment it didn’t matter what my family thought all that mattered was that I was happy and I was in love. 

When we got back to Josh’s hotel room we began making plans concerning who we would have marry us and where.  Since my parents were so against the whole thing I knew I couldn’t count on any financial support from them so we decided to have the ceremony at our church and be married by the bishop since it would be free to us and also allow us to be married by someone who would touch upon the things we felt and believed in.  We began to consider who we would invite to the wedding and came up with a tiny list of family and close personal friends.  Since the wedding would be in a month, we had little time to plan and wanted to share our day with only those who were closest to us.  Small and simple, just how I had always wanted it.  Growing up I was always considered a tom boy and found no pleasure in the things my older sister did.  While she was interested in makeup, dances, and boys I played with batman figurines and matchbox cars along side my younger brother.  Although I outgrew playing with cars I had never gained an appreciation for the frilly complicated things I found female peers around me coveting.  So in many ways I was excited to have the planning all to myself because in this sense I knew I would get exactly what I wanted without all the stress and pressure of planning and performing.

 As Josh and I were discussing these things I received a call from my mother.  I stood watching the caller ID debating whether or not I should answer it.  I decided I should and my mother spoke more pleasantly than she had in a while.  She went on and on about my sisters performance and how good the camp has been for her; she then politely asked where I was and I truthfully answered that we were in Josh’s hotel room talking.  She told me that we should probably leave so we wouldn’t be tempted to repeat any of our transgressions.  I told her I would and hung up the phone.  Looking back on it I see how silly it was to be so upset when she was only expressing her concern for me, but I was enraged.  I was tired of everyone thinking that I had already had sex.  No one would ask me, but everyone assumed and made comments as such.  I guess that’s what finally set me over the edge.  All of these months I had tried so hard to hold to my beliefs, clinging to my virginity, but why resist?  Why fight so hard to keep something everyone else thinks you have carelessly tossed aside? Yes, it was still important to me, but shouldn’t I at least be able to enjoy what everyone thinks we had done already?  Plus, now that we were engaged I was giving my love to my husband.  He would be my first and only and honestly there was no other person I would want to give such a gift to.  Josh let me stew to myself for a while before he asked what she had said this time that had made me so mad.  I know Josh wasn’t expecting the answer I gave him because the surprised expression that shocked his face when I told him I wanted to have sex seemed funny to me.  I don’t know what I expected.  I guess I imagined that he would jump up, run over to me and well, I don’t know, just have sex with me.  Instead though he motioned me to come over and sit next to him on the bed and he held me for several minutes.  I felt like I wanted to cry and scream because I was sick and tired and just fed up with all the negative and all the judgments.  I also felt safe and secure now that Josh was there and all I wanted was to melt into him and finally be with him forever, to be one; to be a part of him. 

We began kissing and I knew if I were to tell him to stop he would.  He always did.  This time though, I didn’t want to stop.  I knew I should.  I had spent my whole life cherishing my virginity and all that it meant, but I wanted it and I wanted him.  I was now just a couple weeks away from my twenty first birthday and I justified things to myself by saying that most girls lose their virginity in high school and even middle school.  I was now a sophomore in college I was ready for this experience.  Plus it’s not like I am jumping into bed with anyone.  I am giving this gift to my fiancée.  Josh continued to kiss me and I knew he wasn’t going to initiate it; Josh had already felt like he had corrupted me and I know taking my virginity would too much if he felt like he has coerced me into that.  Recently he had tried so hard to protect me; I think it was him trying to make surviving until the wedding seem more hopeful.  Believing that if he could protect the bubble in which I had lived my life then everything would be okay.  For me though, I was growing and that bubble was now too small.  There was so much life to live and I wanted to live it all through Josh.  I needed to let him know I was ready for life.  I was ready for him. I was ready for sex.

Josh and I continued to make out and I was slightly nervous about how I should begin initiating things.  I was throwing myself outside of my comfort zone, but I knew Josh would catch me.  I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.  The hot caress of Josh’s breath tickled my ear and neck as he asked if I was sure.  I nodded my head yes.  Earlier on in our relationship I had been intimidated and apprehensive about him having more experience than me because for me Josh had been the first for almost everything, but I was now glad for his experience because I felt as if I were safe because he knew how things were supposed to be and I was ready for him to teach me. 

I wish I could say it was magical.  I wish I could say I had a good story to go with it.  I wish I could say I felt sexy.  I wish I could say I didn’t regret it.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t regret having sex with Josh; I just regretted the time, place, and circumstances.  I guess I just assumed being with Josh in and of itself would make it magical, but just as soon as we began I realized I was in fact not ready for this.  I had been silly to think I could go against what I truly believed in and I was ashamed with myself for being so foolish and weak.  Almost immediately I began crying and pulled away.  I got up from the bed and went into the bathroom; luckily I was still fully clothes due to my apprehensions, making this dash for the bathroom less awkward.  At least that’s how I saw it.  I went straight for the toilet because I knew that when one lost their virginity they bled and since Josh and I hadn’t been at it long, maybe I could redeem myself, but If I was bleeding I would for sure know if I was no longer a virgin.  Although I was terrified I was also perplexed with the fact that I was twenty years old; a college student and I didn’t know for sure whether I was a virgin or not.  How could I have so little information and the information I did have was mostly from Josh.  Growing up I had always opted out of health classes and looking back on it I could remember several conversations on what was moral and appropriate when dating, but for the life of me, I couldn’t recount one talk on sex, other than that before marriage it was wrong.  I took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves, after all I just told Josh I wanted to do this, and then I burst into tears and run into the bathroom.  I wanted to be able to walk out and tell its all ok and play the situation off, but as I realized I was bleeding I was disgusted; disgusted with myself for being so stupid.  I knew better.  Now I really was shamed.  I fell to the cold tile floor and wept, lamenting my loss of virginity.  The blood that dripped out of me, staining my underwear, felt symbolic of how I felt.  Draining and stained.  I was mad at myself, but not at Josh.  I had asked for this.  How could I blame him when he had respected my wishes for the last year and a half?  I had thought I was ready and I had asked him to comply.  I knew people already thought of him as defiling me, but this just further fueled my disgust with everyone, because couldn’t they feel what my heart was feeling now, didn’t they understand that he didn’t shame or defile me?  I did these things to myself.  How is it my calm balanced ordered life had become such a mess and so quickly!  Everything that used to make sense didn’t anymore.  I felt as if I was trapped in the center of some swirling vortex, just pulling everything in and down on top of myself, forcing me to carry more with every step I took.  Here I was on the floor on a motel six bathroom crying to myself.  How had I gotten to this point?  Depression and despair were tearing at my heart and I was tired. Tired of everything.  Things would have been so much better had I died in the accident because then I wouldn’t always be making a fool out of myself and my life.

Just as my head was spiraling into those dark crevices of my depression I heard a faint knock on the door.  I knew he would come in eventually and I had hoped I could have gotten myself under control first.  I took a deep breath, trying to slacken the stream of emotion still drizzling out of my eyes as I answered come in, but those two words sent me into a new hysteria of chocking sobs and I slumped further on the floor, pressing my burning cheek to the cold salmon tiles. I couldn’t look Josh in the face.  I didn’t want him to think I was ashamed of him.  I didn’t want him to have to see my pain.  I couldn’t stop the tears long enough to explain, but he didn’t need an explanation.  He sat on the hard tile next to me and put my head in his lap and let me cry.  His hand played in my hair and rubbed my cold exposed arms.  I don’t think he realized what his touch was doing for me, but the longer I lie there crying and feeling his touch the easier it was to realize that I was not alone.  I had sex.  I did it and there was nothing I could do to undo it and although I wish it had been under different circumstances I would never change the person I had experienced it with.  Josh was the only person I had ever considered doing such things with and I would do it all over again.  I sat up and tried to come up with words to explain everything but nothing was escaping the jumbled mess in my head.  Josh looking lovingly into my eyes and stroked my cheeks and I knew then in that moment everything was okay because despite my freak out Josh still loved me and I still loved him.  Although we had sex, nothing else had changed and there was so much comfort in the way he looked at me because it was the same way he had always looked at me.  I couldn’t help but smile up at him, giving him the courage to ask if I was okay.  When I replied that I was he seemed happy to know I was happy.  I picked myself up off of the floor and kissed Josh asking him to forgive me for my silly fit.  Josh slouched his shoulders as if he didn’t know what I was talking about, indicating that he had already forgotten about it.  We were together and we were going to make the best of it.

We went to dinner and a movie before Josh took me home for the evening, deciding it would be best to spend the night apart.  I know this was Josh’s way of saying that he wasn’t expecting anything and that he was okay waiting before we tried being intimate again.  Before he dropped me off though we talked of how difficult my life at home was.  Josh kept trying to convince me that I should go to Idaho with him because his family was excited and accepting of our marriage.  I told him I would think about it and for me the possibility was real.  How could I live another day listening to all of the negative?  How could I pretend to be happy with planning a wedding when my heart was breaking inside because of the hate and back-biting I knew was going on?  All I wanted was to be happy and for people to see that I was happy.  How could I stay here in my house when I had lost my virginity?  I felt ashamed and was scared people would feel my shame.  How could I face another day in a home I did not feel understood?  Yet, on the other hand it was my home.  I was getting married in three weeks and I wanted my family to be a part of it.  Despite the time that had past, I still felt inside as if I were just emerging from the accident and the memories tied me to my room and my parents for all the comfort they offered.  After all this whole growing up and getting married was scary.  I know I had researched stuff and always tried to make an informed decision, but I had never been married before so all of this was new and I wanted a little help and guidance, but such things would never be offered with the feeling my family had and I knew that.  After I kissed Josh goodbye on the porch I went inside and started packing. 

I wasn’t sure how long I would be gone.  I wasn’t sure how my family would react, but really at this point I figured it couldn’t get any worse.  I wasn’t sure if Josh’s family really wouldn’t mind having me and I wasn’t sure how I would tell my siblings, but I was sure of my love and that was reason enough.  I was exhausted and I had nothing left to give except my love and it seemed as if even that was being rejected.  I knew I should have called my parents and let them know what I was thinking, but I was scared to ruin my sister’s concert and my parent’s good time.  Plus I knew the phone call would consist of arguments and anger, and I just didn’t have the energy for it.  Yes, it was very selfish of me, but this is what I wanted, what I needed and I had already fought so much to keep Josh that it didn’t make sense to give up on him now.  I was going to have what I wanted and I was going to get married.  After I had packed a suitcase with my necessities I sat down at the computer and wrote an e-mail to my younger brother and sister trying to defend and explain why I was leaving.  I knew they wouldn’t understand though.  They were both young and automatically took what my mother said as truth, but I didn’t want them to think I was running away or abandoning them, although in truth I was running away.  I couldn’t see any other option.  I wanted them to know I would not be answering my phone or e-mail for a while, but that I loved them both very much.  My older sister stayed in town to work so for her I wrote a similar letter and printed it off, placing it  where she would see it first thing in the morning.  I wrote a letter addressed to both my mom and my dad apologizing for the drama I had brought into their lives.  I let them know that the continual rejection of the marriage had become too much for me to take and that I would be staying with Josh and him family where I would continue to plan things for Josh and I’s life together.  I let them know as well that I feared they would try and talk me out of it and that I had, had enough negative so if they needed to call, leave a message and I would get back to them when I deemed it appropriate.  I felt like I was betraying my family and my upbringing by leaving, but really what else was there to do?  Plus this option gave me what I wanted most: Josh.

Josh picked me up early the next morning as we had planned.  I felt exhilarated as I stepped into his car, trying to leave the heavy burden of stress and rejection in Colorado.  I still could not explain what possessed me to all that I did to be with Josh.  I just knew that with or without a marriage certificate, we were linked internally and I wanted to be by his side forever.  On our drive Josh kept trying to sell me on what a great idea this was because now my parents would know they were pushing me away.  Now I would be able to be happy in my choices and now we could plan our wedding together.  The car ride flew by as we laughed and talked the whole way, just basking in each other’s warmth and in that moment I realized that this was in fact reality.  I could be happy and I deserved it.  I know people feared for me.  I was only twenty and hadn’t seen much of the world, but I wasn’t stupid or irrational.  This was not a whim, none of it ever had been.  In fact I had tried for weeks on end to try and quit him before he had turned his life around, but always there was a voice in my mind and warmth in my heart that would never allow me to let go of him.  I admit that often times I felt foolish for falling prey to such romantic clichés, but now that I had felt it I knew there was no way to let it go.  Watching the sun come in the car window lighting up his hair and features, I had a reaffirming knowledge that despite the consequences I had made the right choice in choosing him.

Josh had given his parents a call explaining the situation so that when we got there I was once again welcomed with open arms.  His parents made sure to explain once again the house rules which we promised we would follow.  Although I felt like I was intruding into their home, I felt oddly comfortable as if it too were my home and I realized that soon that would be the case.  These wonderful people I loved would soon be family and I was even more elated at being here to try and learn each member more personally.  The phone I had nestled into the bottom corner of my purse weighed like a brick, continually bringing attention to the weight I was carrying around by having it with me.  Although it was off I could already imagine the plethora of messages piling up and chocking my voicemail.  Once I was shown to the room I would be staying in I took the phone from my purse and placed it on the window sill as if the fact that I had run away would no longer be weighing so heavily on me now that my phone wouldn’t remind me of that fact.  I tried to push thoughts of home from my mind, trying to focus only on the wedding because I now had a positive environment to draw from.

Since Josh had taken time off to come to Colorado he reluctantly went back to work in order to save money for our upcoming life together.  While Josh was at work I tried to start planning things, but I wasn’t sure what needed to be done.  I wasn’t sure how long I would be here in Idaho and Josh and I had both considered staying here the month until we were married.  He even tried to convince me that we should have the wedding in Idaho, but I refused to do that because then I knew no one in my family would attend and even though they were against the wedding they were still my family and I wanted them there.  The short sight of my departure hit home when I realized it would be difficult to plan a Colorado wedding in Idaho.  Plus I had never planned a wedding before and had no idea where to begin.  Since we planned on getting married in a month we knew there would not be time to get pictures taken and announcements sent out so I wasn’t going to worry about that.  I knew I would still need to call and inform family members like grandparents, but until my parents were more okay with the idea, I didn’t see the point in getting others involved when I knew they would side with my parents purely out of obligation; seeing as other family members had never met Josh.  In the end I decided that I would start with trying to find a dress.

That night after Josh got home from work, we drove to a dress shop so that I could begin looking for what I liked.  I could tell Josh was jittery with excitement and apprehensive about dress shopping and to be honest, I felt the same way.  In fact I was nervous and completely out of my element when we walked into the dress shop.  There were wire stands covering every inch of the wall with glistening white fabric hanging from them in splendor and glory at if enticing the looker to try and challenge their splendor by adding themselves to the sequence and embroidery.  At least that’s what the tom-boy in me was thinking.  How could I ever try on one of these large, princess dresses?  I didn’t even know where to begin.  The sea of white that covered the wall looked like a ski slope, white and drifting together into a spinning uncontrollable mass and at the same time I could see distinct differences in dresses as if they were trying to escape the blinding white that surrounded them.  Lucky for me a sales representative quickly approached me because I honestly think I would have changed my mind about getting a dress if left to my own survival.  The vibrant sales associate introduced herself and began congratulating us on our engagement.  I soaked in her sincere congratulations and felt instantly a little more at ease because now I knew she wanted me to succeed at finding a dress, getting married, and being happy.  Honestly, I had forgotten that people should feel happy for us and I was excited to find a dress for me.  She asked me questions like how big or small I wanted the dress to be; whether I wanted a lot or embroidery or a little; a long train or a short one.  Before I was fully aware of what was going on I was in a dressing room with several dresses.  The sales associate explained how to put on the slip and dresses and left me to try on my first pick. 

I struggled a little with the slip despite my quick tutorial and the dress seemed heavy and burdensome, but once it was on I was shocked at how quickly one piece of clothing could transform a person.  I barely recognized my pale face in the reflection.  Growing up my sister always wanted to be a princess and I had always equated that with being a weak woman who cared only for frills and had shared this with Josh, warning him never to refer to me as a princess.  Josh in response only smiled a genuine smile and replied, “Of course not.  You are so much more that a princess; you are a queen.”  As I looked at myself in the mirror I felt like a queen; royalty that deserved happiness and splendor that had always been promised to me.  I would finally be a queen and my king would make sure I always felt as one.  I know; I know cheesy right? Yet, isn’t it what we all desire?  To be given some royal birthright that for most of our lives we can almost taste, yet it feels as if it is just ever so slightly eluding our fingertips?  I know I had always dreamt of a world where I would be valued and respected; a world where I wouldn’t have to feel as if I had to hide parts of myself just to fit in; a world where I could be loved truly and fully for who I was and revered for it and a world where I could be loved perfectly and as I gazed at myself in the mirror, I realized that my imagined world wasn’t as imagined as I had thought.  I walked out of the room and watched the expression on Josh’s face as he viewed me in the first gown.  I could tell he was pleased and there was no covering the grin that slammed across his cheeks as if his smile were merely an arrow drawing attention to his dimples.  I probably blushed as I did a little twirl for him before I got up the courage to ask what he thought of it.  He said that it was pretty and that I looked very beautiful in it.  Honestly, I was more impressed with the smile than I had been with his response.  I wanted something that would wow him so I went back in to try on the next dress.  All of the sudden the wedding seemed more real to me than it ever had before as I viewed my glowing countenance with every dress I tried on.  I didn’t buy a dress that day, but I now had the confidence and excitement to continue my search.

After my fourth day in Idaho I gained the courage to check my e-mail and as expected I had several from my mother expressing her disappointment and hurt in how I had handled things by leaving.  She begged me to call her because she had something serious she needed to discuss with me.  I told Josh about the e-mail and he dissuaded me from contacting her, telling me she was only trying to get me to come back home.  I knew he was right, but there was still the empty sucking hole in the bottom of my stomach that churned every time I thought about my family and what I was doing by picking up and leaving.  I knew I couldn’t ignore the issue forever and that eventually I would need to talk to them, but I still wasn’t ready to yet.

Josh and I made the most of the time we had together.  It was nice because every night Josh took me out on a date as if he was trying to make up for all the months and weeks we had spent apart.  I could tell he enjoyed spoiling me and making me happy, especially now that he was physically and financially able to do so.  He took pride in buying me books I wanted to read, or taking me out to dinner, or even sitting in each other’s arms as we dipped our feet into the water coming down the falls.  He knew what would bring a smile to my face and he did everything he could to keep one there.   A couple more days passed, but the sinking feeling in my stomach got worse rather than better.  I knew I finally needed to confront the issue.

All day I paced the house trying to anticipate what my mother would say.  I tried to imagine how the conversation would go and tried to come up with words to vocalize the feelings I was having.  I nervously began to dial the number for home several times before I was finally able to push the call button.  Although I still felt more than justified in my leaving a wave of guilt washed over me as my mom answered the phone and asked me to come home.  She reminded me that my aunt and uncle were in town and that I needed to be home to try and work through the issues I had addressed in the letter I had left for my parents.  I agreed that I should not have left in the way that I had and that I would be home soon.  As I hung up the phone the negative biting hole in my belly felt just a little lighter, indicating to me that I was making the right choice in returning home although I feared what might face me.  You see despite my I need to do what right for me crusade, I still greatly valued my parent’s opinions and I hated that they were so disappointed in me.  Here I felt justified that they had pushed me away, but in reality I was too scared of hearing their concern or censor that I had pushed them away.

I told Josh that I needed to return home to try and make things right while trying to explain that this too was the only way I could obtain us an apartment and prepare things the way they needed to be prepared.  Josh was reluctant, but was understanding as ever.  I packed up my suitcase and planned on leaving for Colorado the very next morning.