I left
early the next day avoiding my sister and my parent’s questions, grabbing what
I needed for school. I felt as if from
then on out I had to hide my relationship because no matter what I said or did,
it was lost on hardened hearts and predetermined prejudices. It’s not that I couldn’t see what they saw; I
did, but shouldn’t they also see what I saw.
I understand Josh had a colorful past and had hurt me and many other
people in his selfish acts, but couldn’t they also admit that people have the
ability to change? After all it had now
been one year and four months since my accident and I was a very different
person. Josh had gone through the
accident too and although he didn’t suffer the physical injuries, he suffered
many emotional ones, changing him in many of the same ways. Josh shared with me the horror he felt when
he came to as the car stopped spinning, trying to nudge me to see if I was
okay. He told me of his agonizing fear
as he realized my active body that had been clinging to him was now limp and
lifeless. He talked of how he had to
carefully pull himself out from under my bloodied body, staring down at me
knowing all of this had been his fault.
You see as we had left to take Josh to the airport he made us turn
around because he had forgotten his flight information. As he looked at me, calling my name he said
he realized then had he not turned us around, we would have been on our journey
five minutes sooner and the car wouldn’t have pulled out in front of us,
causing me to be in the condition I was. He felt utterly helpless as they drove
off with my still unconscious body. I
asked him if he was scared I would die.
He said he was terrified, but he knew in his heart I would make it. I had to make it because without me he really
had nothing. I know I had to endure my
pains, but I don’t have those graphic memories that haunt me at night. I have never had to pull the lifeless body of
a best friend off of me and I can only imagine what the scene looked like. My parents just didn’t understand and I was
tired of trying to explain it.
I was
excited to see Josh and to have him see my dorm and the life I had been living. We met up in Fort Collins and decided that
the weather through Wyoming would still be too dangerous for an inexperienced
snow driver like Josh. It was nice
taking Josh around campus, showing him the buildings I felt like I lived in on
some days. Life was perfect; it was how
it should be: me here in Colorado, working on finishing my degree and Josh here
at my side with no concern or worries in the world, just knowing we had each
other. Probably a naive look on life,
but it felt good walking around together, with his arm around me, an outward
showing that I was in fact loved. Oh,
and I loved him. I was still amazed as
Josh continued to stay sober, despite the tempting addictions that still pulled
at him. I could see his strength and his
determination and I felt safe and comfortable in his arms knowing that now we
finally had a real, healthy relationship.
I also knew Josh would never let me go again. I saw in his eyes the intense need for me,
the same need and pull I had always felt for him and for once it felt as if we
could really have everything we wanted. I was so excited with every second I spent
with him because I always learned so much more about him. I felt like for the first time, I could truly
see the boy who had been hiding behind the smoke; I had gained a great
understand of who he really was and I loved him more than I thought possible. When the accident had taken place I believed
I loved Josh; at the time I could say I did, but the feeling that were starting
to grow for him now, surpassed old feelings making them seem simple and
trite. What we were developing was real. This was a love I had never known before and
although I dreamed of such a special connection, I always felt it impossible.
I wished
Josh could stay longer, but he needed to leave the next morning so he could
make it back to work. I also knew his parents
were worried he was jeopardizing his job and weren’t so keen on our
unsupervised companionship. They had
nothing to worry about though for that night followed similar to the nights at
his house. I made a bed for him across
the room and said goodnight, yet halfway through the night I was pleasantly
surprised as he joined me, taking me in his arms so that we may sleep and wake
together. When my alarm woke me for
classes, it was sweet to wake in his arms, seeing once again the care free boy
that slept. Watching him sleep, touched
my heart and broke it at the same time, never knowing when I would have his
companionship again. I hated being
separated from him. We had spent most of
our relationship in different states and I was sick of it. I had to try and remember the feel of his
hugs and kisses for months before he could remind me again what it was like to
be in his arms. It was hurting me so
much to love him the way I did, but to still feel so disconnected. Yes we talked over the phone, but I could
never read the expression in his eyes or the curl of his lips and those things
were precious as we spent such little time with one another.
Unfortunately,
our short time together was up. We both
had schedules and demands that needed to take us once again away from each
other. Josh talked of visiting soon and
although I hoped for it I didn’t expect it to happen; after all that would just
be too good to be true. We continued to
talk every night and Josh began talking more and more of long term plans. I was impressed because his live life in the
moment attitude usually never took into consideration plans for the
future. Josh now had his GED and a good
job that he was happy with. He continued
to mention his desire to be married and have a family. I was so enamored with this change because
for the first time, Josh really was the man who was worthy of marrying me. I know that sounds pretentious, but before he
too felt as if he never deserved my love.
Honestly, he probably didn’t, but I never left because I had always been
able to see what he could be and seeing him grow into his divine responsibility
and spirituality made me really start to contemplate the reality of marriage
with Joshua. Yes we had talked about it
several times before, but this time it wasn’t me looking into the future. It was me admitting that I loved Josh and I
was ready to marry him. Of course such
bold words were never talked about out loud.
How could they be when I still had school and Josh still had my parents
who were still very much against him?
We did
however talk of the reality of him visiting me and a date was set for the end
of April. It would be perfect because it
was finals week so I had several days off and several half days. School and church kept me busy until his
arrival which appeared sooner than I thought it would.
Once again, as we were reunited we
clicked instantly, as if we had never been apart. Josh would be able to stay the week and we
decided that since he didn’t know anyone in Fort Collins it would just make sense
for him to sleep on the extra bed in my dorm room again. I was thrilled to have him once again in my
day to day life. Everything felt so
perfect when I could look up and see the man I loved. He made me feel whole, and emptiness I never
realized I had until he was there to fill it up. He was my reason to succeed and my reason to
continue to get better. He was my
inspiration in how I lived my life and inspiration for the stories I
wrote. He knew how to touch and
strengthen my thoughts and my confidence; essentially he was everything I
needed and wanted. Although I had been a
skeptic of love and romance, I had always secretly wish for my prince charming
to come find me and wake me from my monotonous life and Josh was exactly
that. Yes though most of our
relationship had not been perfect, it had turned into more than I thought I
would ever find and more than I thought I ever deserved. He treated me like a queen and always gave me
that due respect. His trip out to see me put me on top of the world because he
made me understand that I was worth visiting;
I was worth the time and the money and I was worth the trouble so long
as he could be with me.
My joy was indescribable as he fell
in step with my routine. That week was
bliss as every night he fell asleep in his bed, yet every morning he would
awake in mine. He filled my time and my
heart and although I loved every second, I dreaded the horrid separation and
the pain that would bring. It seemed the
more time we spent together, the harder it was to separate again. Josh and I again began talking of marriage
and decided on December of 2006.
December 6 would be our two year anniversary from the time we first got
together. We picked this, so that we
would have plenty of time to allow our parent’s to get comfortable with the
idea. This way it also gave us time to
plan and prepare a wedding. We still
never alluded to the earlier proposal, but Josh demanded that I give him
pictures of rings I liked and I knew that this time it was very real.
My parents had no idea Josh was in
town and honestly I was tired of trying to explain my relationship to
them. They knew we talked every night
and I assumed they knew we were dating; after all I had sent my mom that
heartfelt e-mail about my feeling for Joshua and it’s not like we were rushing
into anything. Although our relationship
had been on and off for a little while, we dated for the better part of a year
and a half. I knew I was still young, but when we got married I would be half
way through my twenty first year. I
wasn’t naive and we both had thought this through. I was excited about our new proposed plan and
although we didn’t set plans in motion right away, I knew with all my heart
that Josh was the only one for me. I
knew for sure this time marriage was in our future. I had felt it from those first weeks in
Colorado before the accident, although both of us and our lives had changed
drastically, our feelings had not, except for the room in which they grew. Even after all this time, he was still the
only person who could see me for me when he looked into my eyes and I enjoyed
that naked truth with him.
Unfortunately, his week with me
ended too soon as I was forced to finish my semester and he was forced to
return to work. The world pulled us
apart again and although it hurt, because it always hurt, this time it wasn’t
so bad because I knew that in seven months I would never have to leave his side
again. Our conversations became more
intense as we started talking about our future together. We discussed where we would live, who we
would visit for holidays, how we would discipline our children, what our goals
were, and how we would work out our problems.
Although we had long discussions on several of these topics, we were
both open and saw eye to eye. I am a
planner by nature and feel the need to know where I will be and for the first
time since the accident, I wasn’t scared of what my future held because I knew
with Josh I could accomplish anything.
However, there was still a huge
hurdle to overcome and I had no idea how I would accomplish the task of making
my family see what I did. I kept
brushing the idea aside trying to convince myself that they would be able to
see who he really was. I made myself
believe that when I did get engaged they would warm to the idea and support me
in my choice. Once they understood the
true feeling of love my heart felt as if they would have to accept him into the
family. After all, it was my
choice…right?
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