I wish I could say my parents were
willing to compromise and see what I saw in Josh, but that would be a lie. In fact there wasn’t any compromise at all.
For the next couple of days I could hear my mother crying loudly in her
bathroom screaming, wanting to know what she had done to deserve this. Why had her daughter done something so
hateful to her and the family, hadn’t she taught her better than that? For hours each day I could hear her wailing
and lamenting my loss to my father as if I had passed away, shaming their name
in the process.
At times my mother would approach
me making comments about Josh as if he weren’t any better than the gum that
stuck to her shoe. She begged me to
reconsider. She tried to convince me
that Josh was only after the money I had received from the insurance
settlement. She kept telling me that
Josh left me in the hospital without even finding out if I would live or not
and asked how I could do this to her after all she had done to help me through
the accident. That one really hurt me
because I never asked for her help, it was something she offered because she
loved me and I guess she thought if I loved her I would marry someone she
approved of, but couldn’t she see it was because of the accident that I had
learned to finally live for myself; to live life and not feel guilty for
living.
I did understand her major concern:
I would not be married in the temple, which is where a husband and wife are
sealed for eternity. I let her know that
Josh and I did not meet all the moral obligations and so we planned on being
married and going to the temple a year later.
I wanted her to know that my faith had not ever been shaken, but that I
had made some mistakes. I fear this only
made things worse because now she saw Josh as the one who had defiled her
daughter. I had never given her details
so I was hurt when she told me that I was only getting married because all I
wanted to do was to keep having sex. I
didn’t validate her remark with a response, but that was the comment that
pushed me over the line. Although Josh
and I had done things that were crossing lines and lowering standards making us
unworthy of entering the temple, Josh and I had still not had intercourse. I probably should have made such a fact
clear, but I was ashamed at having done what I had done already that I didn’t
feel comfortable discussing the matter with her, especially since she already
was hurting and not in control of her emotions.
I guess I had hoped to have support.
I knew they wouldn’t support the marriage, but couldn’t they at least
support me? Did they not see the pain I
was in at having to go through all of this alone?
This all seemed like too much to
bear and I talked things over with Josh, coming to the conclusion that the
sooner we got married the better. We
decided to get married at the end of July, so we had time to move into an
apartment and get settled before I started school for my junior year of
college. That meant we would have a
month long engagement.
My mom and dad were leaving for a
few days to take my younger sister to a viola workshop in Utah and so they
would be gone a couple of days. I hate
to say it, but I looked forward to their departure hoping to finally have some
time to sort out the pieces of my life that lay shattered and broken. Since we got engaged, Josh had been trying to
get time off so that he could come and visit me and so we could go and get me
an engagement ring; fortuitously, he got time off during the weekend my parents
were gone. We both figured this would be
for the best since feeling were still so raw.
When Josh got into town we got him
a room at a motel six. It wasn’t a great
place, but it wasn’t old and gross either, plus we both wanted to conserve
money as we started working out a balance of combined funds. It was so nice being able to be with
Josh. It seemed that every time we
separated the harder it became to wait until next time. He would only be in town for a short period
of time and I shared with him my worries about him leaving because while I was
in his arms, I didn’t care what my family said or did because I knew I was making
the right decision for me. I told him
only a few of the things that were going on in the house, but he could tell how
much it was weighing on me. However,
Josh made sure to take my mind of the matter as we went and got my engagement
ring.
I was excited as the reality of
marriage hit me. I looked into each case
imagining the different rings on my finger, wondering if that would be the ring
I would wear for the rest of my life as a symbol of love. Although Josh had little money, he offered to
get me any ring I wanted and I know with all of my heart he would have sold the
shirt off of his back as long as he knew he could make me happy. Lucky for him though I am a fairly simple
girl and was attracted to a simple marquee cut.
The ring was in our price range and even came as a set, allowing us to
buy mine and his wedding band at the same time for a low price. Josh wanted to hold onto the ring so that he
could propose to me again since we didn’t really have an official proposal, but
I was too excited and demanded to wear the ring. The elation I felt as he slipped the ring on
my finger was indescribable. It was as
if the last year and a half had all been in preparation for this one
moment. Every pain, every tear, every
laugh, every smile; it was all leading us to each other. My heart was full and for the first time in
my life I could think of nothing else in the world I could want more than what
I had right in front of me. In that
moment it didn’t matter what my family thought all that mattered was that I was
happy and I was in love.
When we got back to Josh’s hotel
room we began making plans concerning who we would have marry us and
where. Since my parents were so against
the whole thing I knew I couldn’t count on any financial support from them so we
decided to have the ceremony at our church and be married by the bishop since
it would be free to us and also allow us to be married by someone who would
touch upon the things we felt and believed in.
We began to consider who we would invite to the wedding and came up with
a tiny list of family and close personal friends. Since the wedding would be in a month, we had
little time to plan and wanted to share our day with only those who were
closest to us. Small and simple, just
how I had always wanted it. Growing up I
was always considered a tom boy and found no pleasure in the things my older
sister did. While she was interested in
makeup, dances, and boys I played with batman figurines and matchbox cars along
side my younger brother. Although I
outgrew playing with cars I had never gained an appreciation for the frilly
complicated things I found female peers around me coveting. So in many ways I was excited to have the
planning all to myself because in this sense I knew I would get exactly what I
wanted without all the stress and pressure of planning and performing.
As Josh and I were discussing these things I
received a call from my mother. I stood
watching the caller ID debating whether or not I should answer it. I decided I should and my mother spoke more
pleasantly than she had in a while. She
went on and on about my sisters performance and how good the camp has been for
her; she then politely asked where I was and I truthfully answered that we were
in Josh’s hotel room talking. She told
me that we should probably leave so we wouldn’t be tempted to repeat any of our
transgressions. I told her I would and
hung up the phone. Looking back on it I
see how silly it was to be so upset when she was only expressing her concern
for me, but I was enraged. I was tired
of everyone thinking that I had already had sex. No one would ask me, but everyone assumed and
made comments as such. I guess that’s what
finally set me over the edge. All of
these months I had tried so hard to hold to my beliefs, clinging to my
virginity, but why resist? Why fight so
hard to keep something everyone else thinks you have carelessly tossed aside? Yes,
it was still important to me, but shouldn’t I at least be able to enjoy what
everyone thinks we had done already?
Plus, now that we were engaged I was giving my love to my husband. He would be my first and only and honestly
there was no other person I would want to give such a gift to. Josh let me stew to myself for a while before
he asked what she had said this time that had made me so mad. I know Josh wasn’t expecting the answer I
gave him because the surprised expression that shocked his face when I told him
I wanted to have sex seemed funny to me.
I don’t know what I expected. I
guess I imagined that he would jump up, run over to me and well, I don’t know,
just have sex with me. Instead though he
motioned me to come over and sit next to him on the bed and he held me for
several minutes. I felt like I wanted to
cry and scream because I was sick and tired and just fed up with all the
negative and all the judgments. I also
felt safe and secure now that Josh was there and all I wanted was to melt into
him and finally be with him forever, to be one; to be a part of him.
We began kissing and I knew if I were
to tell him to stop he would. He always
did. This time though, I didn’t want to
stop. I knew I should. I had spent my whole life cherishing my
virginity and all that it meant, but I wanted it and I wanted him. I was now just a couple weeks away from my
twenty first birthday and I justified things to myself by saying that most
girls lose their virginity in high school and even middle school. I was now a sophomore in college I was ready
for this experience. Plus it’s not like
I am jumping into bed with anyone. I am
giving this gift to my fiancée. Josh
continued to kiss me and I knew he wasn’t going to initiate it; Josh had
already felt like he had corrupted me and I know taking my virginity would too
much if he felt like he has coerced me into that. Recently he had tried so hard to protect me;
I think it was him trying to make surviving until the wedding seem more
hopeful. Believing that if he could
protect the bubble in which I had lived my life then everything would be
okay. For me though, I was growing and
that bubble was now too small. There was
so much life to live and I wanted to live it all through Josh. I needed to let him know I was ready for
life. I was ready for him. I was ready
for sex.
Josh and I continued to make out
and I was slightly nervous about how I should begin initiating things. I was throwing myself outside of my comfort
zone, but I knew Josh would catch me. I
unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. The
hot caress of Josh’s breath tickled my ear and neck as he asked if I was
sure. I nodded my head yes. Earlier on in our relationship I had been
intimidated and apprehensive about him having more experience than me because
for me Josh had been the first for almost everything, but I was now glad for
his experience because I felt as if I were safe because he knew how things were
supposed to be and I was ready for him to teach me.
I wish I could say it was
magical. I wish I could say I had a good
story to go with it. I wish I could say
I felt sexy. I wish I could say I didn’t
regret it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t
regret having sex with Josh; I just regretted the time, place, and
circumstances. I guess I just assumed
being with Josh in and of itself would make it magical, but just as soon as we
began I realized I was in fact not ready for this. I had been silly to think I could go against
what I truly believed in and I was ashamed with myself for being so foolish and
weak. Almost immediately I began crying
and pulled away. I got up from the bed
and went into the bathroom; luckily I was still fully clothes due to my
apprehensions, making this dash for the bathroom less awkward. At least that’s how I saw it. I went straight for the toilet because I knew
that when one lost their virginity they bled and since Josh and I hadn’t been
at it long, maybe I could redeem myself, but If I was bleeding I would for sure
know if I was no longer a virgin.
Although I was terrified I was also perplexed with the fact that I was
twenty years old; a college student and I didn’t know for sure whether I was a
virgin or not. How could I have so
little information and the information I did have was mostly from Josh. Growing up I had always opted out of health
classes and looking back on it I could remember several conversations on what
was moral and appropriate when dating, but for the life of me, I couldn’t
recount one talk on sex, other than that before marriage it was wrong. I took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves,
after all I just told Josh I wanted to do this, and then I burst into tears and
run into the bathroom. I wanted to be
able to walk out and tell its all ok and play the situation off, but as I
realized I was bleeding I was disgusted; disgusted with myself for being so
stupid. I knew better. Now I really was shamed. I fell to the cold tile floor and wept,
lamenting my loss of virginity. The
blood that dripped out of me, staining my underwear, felt symbolic of how I
felt. Draining and stained. I was mad at myself, but not at Josh. I had asked for this. How could I blame him when he had respected
my wishes for the last year and a half?
I had thought I was ready and I had asked him to comply. I knew people already thought of him as
defiling me, but this just further fueled my disgust with everyone, because
couldn’t they feel what my heart was feeling now, didn’t they understand that
he didn’t shame or defile me? I did
these things to myself. How is it my
calm balanced ordered life had become such a mess and so quickly! Everything that used to make sense didn’t
anymore. I felt as if I was trapped in
the center of some swirling vortex, just pulling everything in and down on top
of myself, forcing me to carry more with every step I took. Here I was on the floor on a motel six
bathroom crying to myself. How had I
gotten to this point? Depression and
despair were tearing at my heart and I was tired. Tired of everything. Things would have been so much better had I
died in the accident because then I wouldn’t always be making a fool out of
myself and my life.
Just as my head was spiraling into
those dark crevices of my depression I heard a faint knock on the door. I knew he would come in eventually and I had
hoped I could have gotten myself under control first. I took a deep breath, trying to slacken the
stream of emotion still drizzling out of my eyes as I answered come in, but
those two words sent me into a new hysteria of chocking sobs and I slumped
further on the floor, pressing my burning cheek to the cold salmon tiles. I
couldn’t look Josh in the face. I didn’t
want him to think I was ashamed of him.
I didn’t want him to have to see my pain. I couldn’t stop the tears long enough to
explain, but he didn’t need an explanation.
He sat on the hard tile next to me and put my head in his lap and let me
cry. His hand played in my hair and
rubbed my cold exposed arms. I don’t
think he realized what his touch was doing for me, but the longer I lie there
crying and feeling his touch the easier it was to realize that I was not alone. I had sex.
I did it and there was nothing I could do to undo it and although I wish
it had been under different circumstances I would never change the person I had
experienced it with. Josh was the only
person I had ever considered doing such things with and I would do it all over
again. I sat up and tried to come up
with words to explain everything but nothing was escaping the jumbled mess in
my head. Josh looking lovingly into my
eyes and stroked my cheeks and I knew then in that moment everything was okay
because despite my freak out Josh still loved me and I still loved him. Although we had sex, nothing else had changed
and there was so much comfort in the way he looked at me because it was the
same way he had always looked at me. I
couldn’t help but smile up at him, giving him the courage to ask if I was
okay. When I replied that I was he
seemed happy to know I was happy. I
picked myself up off of the floor and kissed Josh asking him to forgive me for
my silly fit. Josh slouched his
shoulders as if he didn’t know what I was talking about, indicating that he had
already forgotten about it. We were
together and we were going to make the best of it.
We went to dinner and a movie
before Josh took me home for the evening, deciding it would be best to spend
the night apart. I know this was Josh’s
way of saying that he wasn’t expecting anything and that he was okay waiting
before we tried being intimate again.
Before he dropped me off though we talked of how difficult my life at
home was. Josh kept trying to convince
me that I should go to Idaho with him because his family was excited and
accepting of our marriage. I told him I
would think about it and for me the possibility was real. How could I live another day listening to all
of the negative? How could I pretend to
be happy with planning a wedding when my heart was breaking inside because of
the hate and back-biting I knew was going on?
All I wanted was to be happy and for people to see that I was
happy. How could I stay here in my house
when I had lost my virginity? I felt
ashamed and was scared people would feel my shame. How could I face another day in a home I did
not feel understood? Yet, on the other
hand it was my home. I was getting
married in three weeks and I wanted my family to be a part of it. Despite the time that had past, I still felt
inside as if I were just emerging from the accident and the memories tied me to
my room and my parents for all the comfort they offered. After all this whole growing up and getting
married was scary. I know I had
researched stuff and always tried to make an informed decision, but I had never
been married before so all of this was new and I wanted a little help and
guidance, but such things would never be offered with the feeling my family had
and I knew that. After I kissed Josh goodbye
on the porch I went inside and started packing.
I wasn’t sure how long I would be
gone. I wasn’t sure how my family would
react, but really at this point I figured it couldn’t get any worse. I wasn’t sure if Josh’s family really
wouldn’t mind having me and I wasn’t sure how I would tell my siblings, but I
was sure of my love and that was reason enough.
I was exhausted and I had nothing left to give except my love and it
seemed as if even that was being rejected.
I knew I should have called my parents and let them know what I was
thinking, but I was scared to ruin my sister’s concert and my parent’s good
time. Plus I knew the phone call would
consist of arguments and anger, and I just didn’t have the energy for it. Yes, it was very selfish of me, but this is
what I wanted, what I needed and I had already fought so much to keep Josh that
it didn’t make sense to give up on him now.
I was going to have what I wanted and I was going to get married. After I had packed a suitcase with my
necessities I sat down at the computer and wrote an e-mail to my younger
brother and sister trying to defend and explain why I was leaving. I knew they wouldn’t understand though. They were both young and automatically took
what my mother said as truth, but I didn’t want them to think I was running
away or abandoning them, although in truth I was running away. I couldn’t see any other option. I wanted them to know I would not be
answering my phone or e-mail for a while, but that I loved them both very
much. My older sister stayed in town to
work so for her I wrote a similar letter and printed it off, placing it where she would see it first thing in the
morning. I wrote a letter addressed to
both my mom and my dad apologizing for the drama I had brought into their
lives. I let them know that the
continual rejection of the marriage had become too much for me to take and that
I would be staying with Josh and him family where I would continue to plan
things for Josh and I’s life together. I
let them know as well that I feared they would try and talk me out of it and
that I had, had enough negative so if they needed to call, leave a message and
I would get back to them when I deemed it appropriate. I felt like I was betraying my family and my
upbringing by leaving, but really what else was there to do? Plus this option gave me what I wanted most:
Josh.
Josh picked me up early the next
morning as we had planned. I felt
exhilarated as I stepped into his car, trying to leave the heavy burden of
stress and rejection in Colorado. I
still could not explain what possessed me to all that I did to be with
Josh. I just knew that with or without a
marriage certificate, we were linked internally and I wanted to be by his side
forever. On our drive Josh kept trying
to sell me on what a great idea this was because now my parents would know they
were pushing me away. Now I would be
able to be happy in my choices and now we could plan our wedding together. The car ride flew by as we laughed and talked
the whole way, just basking in each other’s warmth and in that moment I
realized that this was in fact reality.
I could be happy and I deserved it.
I know people feared for me. I
was only twenty and hadn’t seen much of the world, but I wasn’t stupid or
irrational. This was not a whim, none of
it ever had been. In fact I had tried
for weeks on end to try and quit him before he had turned his life around, but
always there was a voice in my mind and warmth in my heart that would never
allow me to let go of him. I admit that
often times I felt foolish for falling prey to such romantic clichés, but now
that I had felt it I knew there was no way to let it go. Watching the sun come in the car window
lighting up his hair and features, I had a reaffirming knowledge that despite
the consequences I had made the right choice in choosing him.
Josh had given his parents a call
explaining the situation so that when we got there I was once again welcomed
with open arms. His parents made sure to
explain once again the house rules which we promised we would follow. Although I felt like I was intruding into
their home, I felt oddly comfortable as if it too were my home and I realized
that soon that would be the case. These
wonderful people I loved would soon be family and I was even more elated at
being here to try and learn each member more personally. The phone I had nestled into the bottom
corner of my purse weighed like a brick, continually bringing attention to the
weight I was carrying around by having it with me. Although it was off I could already imagine
the plethora of messages piling up and chocking my voicemail. Once I was shown to the room I would be
staying in I took the phone from my purse and placed it on the window sill as
if the fact that I had run away would no longer be weighing so heavily on me
now that my phone wouldn’t remind me of that fact. I tried to push thoughts of home from my
mind, trying to focus only on the wedding because I now had a positive
environment to draw from.
Since Josh had taken time off to
come to Colorado he reluctantly went back to work in order to save money for
our upcoming life together. While Josh
was at work I tried to start planning things, but I wasn’t sure what needed to
be done. I wasn’t sure how long I would
be here in Idaho and Josh and I had both considered staying here the month
until we were married. He even tried to
convince me that we should have the wedding in Idaho, but I refused to do that
because then I knew no one in my family would attend and even though they were
against the wedding they were still my family and I wanted them there. The short sight of my departure hit home when
I realized it would be difficult to plan a Colorado wedding in Idaho. Plus I had never planned a wedding before and
had no idea where to begin. Since we
planned on getting married in a month we knew there would not be time to get
pictures taken and announcements sent out so I wasn’t going to worry about
that. I knew I would still need to call
and inform family members like grandparents, but until my parents were more
okay with the idea, I didn’t see the point in getting others involved when I
knew they would side with my parents purely out of obligation; seeing as other
family members had never met Josh. In
the end I decided that I would start with trying to find a dress.
That night after Josh got home from
work, we drove to a dress shop so that I could begin looking for what I
liked. I could tell Josh was jittery
with excitement and apprehensive about dress shopping and to be honest, I felt
the same way. In fact I was nervous and
completely out of my element when we walked into the dress shop. There were wire stands covering every inch of
the wall with glistening white fabric hanging from them in splendor and glory
at if enticing the looker to try and challenge their splendor by adding
themselves to the sequence and embroidery.
At least that’s what the tom-boy in me was thinking. How could I ever try on one of these large,
princess dresses? I didn’t even know
where to begin. The sea of white that
covered the wall looked like a ski slope, white and drifting together into a
spinning uncontrollable mass and at the same time I could see distinct
differences in dresses as if they were trying to escape the blinding white that
surrounded them. Lucky for me a sales
representative quickly approached me because I honestly think I would have
changed my mind about getting a dress if left to my own survival. The vibrant sales associate introduced
herself and began congratulating us on our engagement. I soaked in her sincere congratulations and
felt instantly a little more at ease because now I knew she wanted me to
succeed at finding a dress, getting married, and being happy. Honestly, I had forgotten that people should
feel happy for us and I was excited to find a dress for me. She asked me questions like how big or small I
wanted the dress to be; whether I wanted a lot or embroidery or a little; a
long train or a short one. Before I was
fully aware of what was going on I was in a dressing room with several dresses. The sales associate explained how to put on
the slip and dresses and left me to try on my first pick.
I struggled a little with the slip
despite my quick tutorial and the dress seemed heavy and burdensome, but once
it was on I was shocked at how quickly one piece of clothing could transform a
person. I barely recognized my pale face
in the reflection. Growing up my sister
always wanted to be a princess and I had always equated that with being a weak
woman who cared only for frills and had shared this with Josh, warning him
never to refer to me as a princess. Josh
in response only smiled a genuine smile and replied, “Of course not. You are so much more that a princess; you are
a queen.” As I looked at myself in the
mirror I felt like a queen; royalty that deserved happiness and splendor that
had always been promised to me. I would
finally be a queen and my king would make sure I always felt as one. I know; I know cheesy right? Yet, isn’t it
what we all desire? To be given some
royal birthright that for most of our lives we can almost taste, yet it feels
as if it is just ever so slightly eluding our fingertips? I know I had always dreamt of a world where I
would be valued and respected; a world where I wouldn’t have to feel as if I
had to hide parts of myself just to fit in; a world where I could be loved
truly and fully for who I was and revered for it and a world where I could be
loved perfectly and as I gazed at myself in the mirror, I realized that my
imagined world wasn’t as imagined as I had thought. I walked out of the room and watched the
expression on Josh’s face as he viewed me in the first gown. I could tell he was pleased and there was no
covering the grin that slammed across his cheeks as if his smile were merely an
arrow drawing attention to his dimples. I probably blushed as I did a little twirl for
him before I got up the courage to ask what he thought of it. He said that it was pretty and that I looked
very beautiful in it. Honestly, I was
more impressed with the smile than I had been with his response. I wanted something that would wow him so I
went back in to try on the next dress.
All of the sudden the wedding seemed more real to me than it ever had
before as I viewed my glowing countenance with every dress I tried on. I didn’t buy a dress that day, but I now had
the confidence and excitement to continue my search.
After my fourth day in Idaho I
gained the courage to check my e-mail and as expected I had several from my
mother expressing her disappointment and hurt in how I had handled things by
leaving. She begged me to call her
because she had something serious she needed to discuss with me. I told Josh about the e-mail and he dissuaded
me from contacting her, telling me she was only trying to get me to come back
home. I knew he was right, but there was
still the empty sucking hole in the bottom of my stomach that churned every
time I thought about my family and what I was doing by picking up and
leaving. I knew I couldn’t ignore the
issue forever and that eventually I would need to talk to them, but I still
wasn’t ready to yet.
Josh and I made the most of the
time we had together. It was nice
because every night Josh took me out on a date as if he was trying to make up
for all the months and weeks we had spent apart. I could tell he enjoyed spoiling me and
making me happy, especially now that he was physically and financially able to
do so. He took pride in buying me books
I wanted to read, or taking me out to dinner, or even sitting in each other’s
arms as we dipped our feet into the water coming down the falls. He knew what would bring a smile to my face
and he did everything he could to keep one there. A
couple more days passed, but the sinking feeling in my stomach got worse rather
than better. I knew I finally needed to
confront the issue.
All day I paced the house trying to
anticipate what my mother would say. I
tried to imagine how the conversation would go and tried to come up with words
to vocalize the feelings I was having. I
nervously began to dial the number for home several times before I was finally
able to push the call button. Although I
still felt more than justified in my leaving a wave of guilt washed over me as
my mom answered the phone and asked me to come home. She reminded me that my aunt and uncle were
in town and that I needed to be home to try and work through the issues I had
addressed in the letter I had left for my parents. I agreed that I should not have left in the
way that I had and that I would be home soon.
As I hung up the phone the negative biting hole in my belly felt just a
little lighter, indicating to me that I was making the right choice in returning
home although I feared what might face me.
You see despite my I need to do what right for me crusade, I still
greatly valued my parent’s opinions and I hated that they were so disappointed in
me. Here I felt justified that they had
pushed me away, but in reality I was too scared of hearing their concern or censor
that I had pushed them away.
I told Josh that I needed to return
home to try and make things right while trying to explain that this too was the
only way I could obtain us an apartment and prepare things the way they needed
to be prepared. Josh was reluctant, but
was understanding as ever. I packed up
my suitcase and planned on leaving for Colorado the very next morning.
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