I still kept my relationship with
Josh under wraps. I justified it as
saying that there was no point in telling people because no one would
understand. I was so wrapped up in what
I felt and all I felt was love and I didn’t want anything to spoil it. I was tired of trying to defend Josh and my
feelings for him.
I finished finals and moved in with
my parent’s for the summer and began working at a medical billing company again. I was glad to get my job back for the summer
so that I could earn some money. It was
nice going back to a familiar environment and a familiar job. I quickly fell back into step with fellow
coworkers and friends. I hadn’t been
working there more than two weeks when a colleague and friend came to join me
for lunch. She was bubbling with
excitement as she shared the good news that her daughter was now engaged. Her daughter was actually my age so she knew
I would be able to relate and express the same excitement for her. Looking back, it was such a small incident,
but for me it was the incident that finally set things in motion. The whole day I stewed over my friend’s happy
news and instead of being happy like I should have been I was instead jealous
and upset. There was no reason to feel
that way, but I did because it was not me who had a fiancé. Although I had come so far in the last year
and a half, what did I have to show for it?
My whole life all I had ever wanted was to find someone who would
support and love me for all of my quirks and difficulties. All I had ever wanted to be was a wife and a
mother. In the last year and a half I
had lost so much, but this was something I knew I needed in my life and I knew
Josh was the only one who could make that happen. Now I am not saying that there weren’t other boys
out there who would love me and I am not saying no one else would be able to
let me be a wife and mother, but no one else could fill me the way Josh did. There was still no one else in my life that
connected with me on such a special level; and in my eyes, he was still the
only person who could truly see the me I kept hidden inside. The thought of being with anyone else sickened
me and hurt my heart at the prospect of having to give him up. After all we had been through together and
after all we had grown into, there was no way I could ever give up the man of
my dreams, for that is what he had truly become.
I finished off my day at work still upset that I had the best relationship I have ever had in my life, but that we were forced to be apart throughout it. I was tired of fighting the world alone. I was tired of having to explain every action when Josh just understood it all without any explanation. I was tired of longing for his hugs and kisses. I was tired of life without him. He made me feel like I was everything I had always wanted to be and I decided that day that I would never lose that. I would fight for Josh and all that he did for me.
As soon as Josh was home from work
I called him, ignoring the fact it was hours before our scheduled 9:00
conversation. He greeted me warmly as he
always did, excited to hear from me so soon.
He could tell I had a lot on my mind and kept prodding me to share what
I was thinking with him. All the
thoughts and feeling I had troubled myself with all day came out in the
simplest of phrases: “I want to get married.”
Although I had thought about everything that sentence entailed, I never once
thought about what his reaction might be and as soon as I said those words out
loud my stomach pulled itself into a knot and my throat went dry at the possibility
that he might not feel the same way, or the same urgency that I suddenly
did. However, only enough time for an
intake of breath passed before he calmed my fears, telling me he had been longing
for the same thing for months. I asked
him what that meant and his simple answer brought the reality of it all to me
as he said it meant we were engaged. I
asked him if he was serious or if he was just trying to agree with me. He laughed one of his light hearted laughs
and told me that he had been serious back in November when he had proposed to
me then. I don’t want to say I had
forgotten about that proposal, but for me it had never been real, at least not
until now. I asked him what we should do
and he suggested we told our parents.
Josh knew my parent’s had more than
just a dislike for him and he knew this would not be an easy task for me so he
stayed on the phone convincing me that from here on out I would never have to
do anything alone again because he would always be here for me. He even said he wished he was there to tell
them for me and finally explain himself.
I knew just saying those words scared him. After all they were my parents, his superiors,
who already knew him for his past and he knew there was little he could say to
make them change their mind. This is
what scared me too. How could I truly
explain to them the deep love I held for the boy they hated. I had already made up my mind though. It was time to finally confront them because
it was time to fight for Josh.
I knew my mother would be the
hardest to tell because she was the most vocal about her dislikes and fears so
I knew I had to try and explain things to her first, otherwise I would lose my
determination to try and explain things.
As soon as I felt emotionally prepared I hung up the phone with Josh and
walked with a loud beating heart up the stairs and into my mother’s room. She sat at her computer, her back to the door
and I watched her for a second trying to imagine all the things she could
possibly say. I had no idea what to
expect and facing the thought of her disapproval made me sick to my stomach,
but I already knew she didn’t approve. I
stepped further into her room standing more closely to her. It felt silly, but I was scared to disturb
the peace and quiet in the room because I knew it would not last long. As I passed her dresser and mirror, I glanced
at my expression and was shocked to see that I still held a smile on my
face. Although I was terrified of what
was to come I was happy and giddy at the fact that I finally had what I had
always wanted. It was a reminder to me
of why I said yes in the first place. I
said yes because I was in love with the least likely of men; a man who has seen
and endured more hardships than most have to endure. Because these hardships were most often self
inflicted, he gained a knowledge and understanding that gave him a sense of
maturity and responsibility as he learned from his past and the stupid mistakes
he had made. He says I was his guardian
angel. I was the one who saved his life
because I was able to love him for who he was, for the real him no one else
could see. I understood what he meant
for I too felt the exact same way about him and now finally after a year and a
half of off and on we were finally committed to each other in the most selfless
of ways.
With a new found confidence and a
continued love in my heart I approached my mother telling her I had something
very important that I need to talk about with her. She typed a few more words before turning to
look at me, stress already painted across her face. She cocked her head indicating she was ready
to listen to whatever I had to say.
Without a moment pause I began a quick ramble of everything I needed to
say. I told her that Josh proposed to me
and that I had accepted. I addressed the
fact that she was not a fan of his, but he has really changed and that I love
him more than I loved life itself. Which
in my case was nothing less of an understatement as I thought back to all the
nights suicide played on my mind, willing to push pass the depression because
someone loved me. In a very terse, but
informative speech I shared with my mom my intentions and my feelings.
Time seemed to last forever as I
watched the expression on my mother’s face turn from stress to fear and disgust. She looked as if she were choking back the
urge to scream. Although she didn’t, I
could see the desire in her eyes to jump up and shake me as if that would
restore me to how I was before the accident: sweet and thoughtful of every decision,
always conscious and respectful of my parent’s wishes. In some ways that person was gone. It’s not that I didn’t care what my parents
thought; just my priorities had changed because now the only opinion that
really mattered was mine. I know it might
sound selfish and ungrateful, but who better to live my life than me? Finally
my mom replied with a sharp bitter tone that she did not approve. She then told me she could not deal with this
and that I needed to go and inform my father.
I think she was expecting my father to set me straight, but I was less
worried about this conversation.
Although my dad too did not like Josh he did not openly talk of his
dislike for him, so I had hope that he would come to see that the feelings I
had were real and that the changes Josh had made were real as well.
I moved slowly down the stairs
trying to once again build up my strength.
It’s hard when a parent tells you that they do not approve of your
choices or your future husband. It’s not
that I was insensitive to what they were feeling. Honestly if I had a friend dating someone who
had a past similar to Josh’s I too would be weary and advise caution, but my
parents weren’t cautioning me, they were rejecting me and my choices without so much as a second
glance past their own feelings, at least that’s how it seemed to me. Plus that’s not who Josh was anymore. He hadn’t been that person for a long time
and I had really hoped people would be open to seeing the positive changes and
encouraging him to continually be what he is capable of. As I walked down the stairs to the basement I
kept telling myself that this conversation would be different because how would
I survive two parents being against me?
As I reached the bottom of the
stairs I saw my dad with his work mask on. It was a replica of a doctor’s mask
that covered his mouth and nose to keep the dust out of his lungs while he
worked on the basement. He briefly
looked up when I came down the stairs and continued to stir a thick white paste
he was going to use to fill in the gaps between the drywall he had just
placed. When he saw me standing there
watching him he stopped what he was doing and removed his mask. Before he could say anything I jumped in,
telling him I had just told mom some news and she wanted me to tell him. I took in a deep breath and continued. I let him know Josh proposed to me and that I
had accepted, that I know that he didn’t like the idea of me marrying him, but
that I had thought this through and there was no one else I could imagine
spending my life with. My dad’s face,
although it wasn’t as drastic a change as my mother’s, turned to that of worry
and contemplation. He looked at me and
said that he did not know Josh and asked if I would be okay if I gave him some
time to think things over. He said he
wanted to talk to me about all of this, but needed time to process and mull
over the questions and concern he had.
He knew that if we had that talk now he would stumble over his words and
did not want to risk offending me and that this was too serious to be taken
lightly. I agreed that time was a good
idea. I told him I loved him and quickly
ran into my room, shutting my door and calling Josh back.
Josh answered the phone on the
first ring asking how it went. I told
him it went better than I had thought and described my brief encounter with
each parent. I knew this discussion was
in no way over, but at least they now knew the seriousness of our
relationship. They no longer could ignore
the fact that Josh was a big factor of my life.
Josh and I began making plans. I
asked him how soon he would want to be married.
I was more than surprised when he answered with all earnestness that we
should get married that week. I laughed
at him, feeling silly with myself for ever doubting his desire to marry me and
to do so quickly. I told him that such
an idea would just make matters worse and that although I would love to marry
him that night we needed to at least have time to plan things. Although we talked about everything we would
need to do, I still had a great fear that for some reason this would fall
through. After all it all seemed too
good to be true because I would finally have Josh in my life forever. We both said we would think things over and
try and pick a date later. The rest of
our conversation was about what life would be like when we finally got to be
together for more than a couple weeks at a time. We had already discussed important topics
like if we wanted kids, where we would spend our holidays, and what our pet
peeves were. After a year and a half of
talking I felt like I knew Josh better than most newlyweds knew each other.
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