Chapter Eleven: A Day Come True

When I returned home things were awkward; at lest they were for me.  I began telling family and friends that I was engaged and when we planned on being married.  Everyone I knew was shocked and surprised.  In fact there were several rather blunt individuals who asked me if I was getting married because I was pregnant.  I assured everyone that was not the case, but after that it seemed people would speak their mind and then walk on egg shells around the issue.  I know that I am to blame for that with my hasty retreat to Idaho, but it seemed to further fuel the idea that my wedding was some tragedy not to be discussed. 

Soon after I returned home my dad sat me down and said that while he did not agree with my choice to marry he wanted to support me and asked what I needed help with.  I admitted that I really had no idea and together we sat down and made out a calendar of events and a timeline by which to get things done.  I began viewing apartments up in Fort Collins where I was attending school and where Josh and I would be living after marriage.  My dad and I discussed health insurance and bank accounts and we both agreed that since Josh wouldn’t have a job right away it would be best to keep my maiden name until the end of the year so that I had insurance and a separate bank account to ease the worries of those so concerned for my well being.  Once I had my timeline worked out, the possibility of life married to Josh seemed doable and I was nervous with excitement for this new life I was mapping out.

My mom offered to take me dress shopping which I was very grateful for since I had very little knowledge about shape designs and body types.  Although there was still a lot of tension I could tell my family was making an effort and that’s all I wanted from them.  It was a comfort having my mom help me and comment on each dress I tried on until I found one that fit my budget and was ready to wear since the wedding was just a short time away.  It was beautifully beaded in the corset with a long billowy skirt.  In it, I felt like a queen.  I went and ordered a bouquet of Iris’ and white roses with a friend and even found the perfect apartment that would let us move in as soon as our honeymoon was over at a very agreeable rent.  Things were falling into place as the bishop agreed to officiate over the service and my sisters volunteered to do the music as well as my hair and makeup. 

The month until my wedding dragged on and flew by all at the same time as my life became a whirlwind of opportunities.  I couldn’t help but reflect on who I had been when I met josh and I couldn’t help but be proud as I tracked his progress over the last year and a half.  We had both struggled to regain control of our lives and the fight was exhausting, but I felt like I got through it because of his companionship and I considered myself nothing short of blessed as we embarked on being united legally as husband and wife after our long hard journeys.  I looked forward to being a wife; to be able to care for and confide in my best friend.  I looked forward to the no longer waking up alone wondering if love was a myth.  I looked forward to starting a new chapter of my life as I left single college student and entered into womanhood and marriage.  I guess I viewed my marriage as a coming of age milestone as I would now be so much more than just myself.

The day got closer and Josh and I decided to forgo any sort of get together after the ceremony and planned on leaving right after we were pronounced husband and wife to head up to Estes Park where we would celebrate our honeymoon.  I found a box of decorations in the crawl space left over from my sister’s marriage and decided to use what little was in there and call it good, after all I could care less about how things looked as long as in the end Josh and I were finally husband and wife.    

Josh and I met at the church an hour before the service was supposed to start and we decorated the little room with what we had before we went and changed into our wedding regalia.  My heart jumped into my throat as I self consciously stepped out of the bathroom and looked for Josh.  When I saw him there was a moment, and I knew this was all I would ever want: this man beside me for the rest of my life.  His tux was nothing less than flattering and I could tell he felt good in his finery.  It was a pure pleasure to see his eyes light up and warm as he viewed me in my entire splendor.  He came up and embraced me with a smile reaching from ear to ear and I knew Josh was feeling the same things I was.  We parted only to begin greeting the few guests we had invited to our special day. 

Once the ceremony started I knew this was one of the happiest moments of my life and despite the hardships we had to go through to get to this moment, it all seemed worth it as we stood looking into each other’s eyes as we anxiously awaited to say I do.  Tears began to mist at my eyes and this time it wasn’t because of pain or sorrow, I finally got to experience tears of pure joy and it touched my heart to the very center to see the same tears swelling in Josh’s eyes as well. When we finally presented as man and wife my elation was indescribable.  We shook hands with our guests and cleaned up the decorations before we changed and headed to Estes for our Honeymoon.  On July 29, 2006 I was married to my best friend; I was happy and I was starting a new adventure in life.

Our three days in Estes passed quickly and we took pleasure in calling each other spouse, husband or wife every chance we got.  I know that to many people marriage is certificate that makes things legal, but with my beliefs it felt as if I was righting a wrong. When Josh and I were intimate as a married couple it was a totally different experience for me as I no longer felt the guilt that weighed so heavy on my heart.  It was more than just passion or experience; it was a joining that was pure and communicative.  Although I felt remorse for losing my virginity early, I was proud to give my husband the gift of knowing he was the only one I had ever desired to be with and that I had saved myself for him.  There was such comfort in knowing that after our time in Estes we no longer had to say goodbyes, but would be by each other’s side for the rest of our lives. 

Although we knew things were still rocky with relations, we decided we would make sure and communicate openly with each other, to always be honest, and to make an effort to mend relationships that had been strained while keeping each other as our priority as we began our life together.  I was so happy and giddy and even though I was sad our short honeymoon was coming to an end, I was excited to move into my first apartment as a wife.